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>>> WELCOME TO "RED EYE."
I'M GREG GUTFELD.
OR AS I AM KNOWN ON THE NEW
JERSEY TURNPIKE, THE SONOCO
STRANGLER.
NOW TO ANDY LEVY WITH A PRE
GAME REPORT.
>> BYOB, AMERICA.
GOP DEBATE NUMBER 20 IS IN THE
BOOKS.
WHO WON?
WHO LOST?
WHO CARES?
AND SHOULD YOU BE SUBSIDIZING
A FEDERAL PROGRAM THAT GIVES
CELL PHONES TO POOR PEOPLE?
THE STORY WE HAVE HAD IN THE
RUN DOWN FOR OVER A WEEK AND
HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO, BUT WILL
DEFINITELY GET TO TONIGHT.
AND IS AN ADORABLE
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BRITISH AD A
RACIST?
STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT HOW
MUCH I OVER SOLD THIS STORY.
GREG?
>> THANK YOU, ANDY.
>> WELL I GUESS I WILL CAN
SELL NEXT WEEK'S GREG IS COOL
DAY THEN.
>> YOU WERE PLANNING A GREG IS
COOL DAY?
>> I WAS, BUT AS USUAL YOU
RUINED SOMETHING I NICE I WAS
PLANNING FOR YOU.
>> I LOVE HOW YOU SAY YOU WERE
PLANNING IT, BUT NOW YOU ARE
NOT PLANNING.
IF I WERE A COW YOU WOULD MAKE
ALL OF MY STOMACH SICK.
>> I WAS PICKING UP THE
INVITES FROM THE PRINTER AND
NOW I AM OUT THAT MONEY.
PLUS THE DEPOSIT I PUT ON THE
CLUB.
>> YOU PUT A LOT OF DEPOSITS
ON THE CLUB WHICH IS WHY IT IS
NOT WORKING OUT BETWEEN US.
BY THE WAY, IT IS EXPRU A
JERK.
>> ENJOY YOUR CURLING DAY.
>>> LET'S WELCOME OUR GUESTS.
I DO CARE, ACTUALLY.
SHE IS CUTER THAN A BABY PANDA
RIDING A TRICYCLE MADE OF
KITTENS.
SOUNDS CRUEL, BUT IT IS CUTE.
I AM HERE WITH FOX NEWSCHANNEL
ANCHOR AS SOBER AS ALWAYS.
AND WHAT IS BIG, BLACK AND
FUNNY ALL OVER?
SINBAD SO HE COULDN'T MAKE
IT.
>> THAT SAME JOKE?
>>> HIS OTHER CAR IS A
GURNEY.
IT IS BILL SCHULZ.
AND ALWAYS A RESERVATION FOR
ONE WHEN SERVING BEEF CAKE
LIKE HIM.
SITTING NEXT TO ME, RICK
LEVENTHALL.
AND EVERYONE IS WISE TO HIS
BIAS AND LIES.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, PINCH.
>> IN OUR OSCAR COVERAGE WE
WILL LEARN HOW TO PULL OFF A
TUX LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.
THAT IS EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
BUT WE WOULD ALSO NEED LEGS,
ARMS AND A TORSO TO FOLLOW
THAT ININSTRUCTION.
YOU, SIR, ARE FROM THE FIRST
ORDER.
>> THERE IS SOME HAND CLAPPING
ON TOP OF MY HEAD.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE WAS CHASING BY JASON.
ALEXZANDER THAT IS.
DURING WEDNESDAY NIGHT'S
DEBATE, MITT ROMNEY DARED
QUOTE A LINE FROM SEINFIELD
AND WHEN THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED
GEORGE HEARD HE QUIT HE
FLIPPED.
FIRST HERE IS THE NOT AT ALL
OUTDATED REFERENCE.
>> I WANT TO RESTORE AMERICA'S
PROMISE AND I AM GOING TO DO
THAT TONIGHT.
AS GEORGE CAW STAN SWRAW WOULD
SAY, THEY ARE PLOTTING A
STOP.
>> A FEW HOURS LATER HE
RESPONDED ON TWITTER WRITING,
QUOTE, HE ENJOYED MY OLD
CHARACTER.
I ENJOY THE CHARACTER HE USED
TO BE.
>> MR. SMARTY PANTS FOLLOWS IT
NOW.
HE MESSED UP THE LINE.
IT WAS ACTUALLY JERRY WHO SAYS
TO GEORGE, QUOTE, SHOW MAN
SHIP, GEORGE.
WHEN YOU HIT THE HIGH NOTE YOU
SAY GOOD NIGHT AND WALK OFF.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE CLIP
FROM SEINFIELD.
>> IS THAT OKAY?
MASSAGE MY BACK, OKAY?
IT FEELS GOOD.
COME ON, IT FEELS GOOD.
OH MAN, GREAT MASSAGE.
>> NO HAPPY ENDINGS,
THANKFULLY.
SHERROD, WELCOME TO THE
PROGRAM.
JASON ALEXZANDER HAS NOT DONE
MUCH AFTER SEINFIELD.
YOU MUST PITY HIM AND HIS
ENORMOUS SUM OF MONEY.
>> I THOUGHT MAYBE HE CAME OUT
AND SETTED N-WORD.
AT LEAST MAKE IT EXCITING LIKE
KRAMER DID.
I GUESS HE DON'T LIKE MITT
ROMNEY.
>> YOU ARE INSIGHTFUL.
WHY IS JASON ALEXZANDER
GETTING IT FOR THIS?
>> IT IS THE ONLY THING HE HAS
DONE.
THE LAST THING THAT ALEXZANDER
HAS DONE SUBSTANTIALLY ARE THE
COMMERCIALS FOR WEIGHT
WATCHERS.
>> THAT DON'T MEAN YOUR CAREER
IS OVER, RIGHT 1234* I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET ONE OF THOSE
COMMERCIALS.
MY CAREER IS JUST GETTING
STARTED.
>> JUDGING BY YOUR PHYSIQUE,
YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.
>> ROMNEY ATTRIBUTED THAT LINE
TO GEORGE BEFORE.
HOW CAN HE BE PRESIDENT IF HE
IS BOTCHING THE SEINFIELD
JOKES?
>> IT IS FUNNY HOW SERIOUS
GEORGE TAKES HIMSELF.
AND HE IS SHORTER THAN YOU.
>> YES, HE IS.
THAT'S BECAUSE I AM TALL.
>> RIGHT.
I APPRECIATE THEY LIKE TO END
CONVERSATIONS ON HIGH NOTES
BOTH MITT ROMNEY AND JERRY
SEINFIELD WHICH IS WHAT I DO.
THE LAUGHTER STARTS, GOOD
NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
>> GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
>> YOU PROVED YOUR POINT BY
ILLUSTRATING THE OPPOSITE.
HOW AWKWARD AND SAD IT WAS AND
THEY SAAB BOUGH TAJED THE
SEGMENT.
YOU WERE MARRIED TO JASON
ALEXZANDER IN THE 1980s.
>> THAT WAS A DIFFERENT
JASON.
WELL, MAYBE IT WAS HIM.
THE 1980s WAS A LONGTIME
AGO.
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL THEN.
WHY IS EVERYONE LAUGHING?
>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?
JASON ALEXZANDER IS A WHINEY
BABY WHO IS JEALOUS OF HIS
GOOD LOOKS?
>> THANK YOU FOR STEALING MY
LINE.
I ACTUALLY DIDN'T THINK HE WAS
TOTALLY RUDE TO MITT ROMNEY.
HE SAID I AM THRILLED.
HE USED TO BE A GOOD GUY.
HE ACKNOWLEDGED -- THAT WAS A
STAB.
HE STABBED HIM.
THAT WAS AN OPEN STAB.
>> I PREFER TO SEE THINGS
POSITIVELY.
>> YOU WILL FIND OUT LATER
TONIGHT.
>> BILL, THERE IS ALMOST
NOTHING TO THIS STORY.
IT IS AS THIN AS YOUR
DISCARDED UNDERWEAR.
AND THE DEBATE WAS BORING.
TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING
SUBSTANTIAL OUT OF THIS.
HE USED THIS JOKE THREE
TIMES.
THAT WORKS IF YOU ARE MY UNCLE
NED.
BUT IT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU
ARE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
>> AND THE REAL STORY IS MITT
ROMNEY IS NOT GOING TO HIT THE
HIGH NOTE.
HE WILL LOSE THE CONTEST WITH
OBAMA.
THAT'S WHAT HE WILL END IT
ON.
JAY YOU ARE SO RIGHT THAT
OBAMA IS GOING TO WIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE --
>> I AM VOTING TWICE.
>> AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT WILL BE A LANDSLIDE.
DON'T VOTE.
>> I'M SERIOUS.
>> I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS
BEATING.
>> SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S
NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE
SAID THAT.
>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS OVER.
ARE YOUR DOLLARS PAYING FOR
CALLERS?
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PAID
OUT $1.6 BILLION TO COVER FREE
CELL PHONES AND THE BILLS OF
12 MILLION WIRELESS ACCOUNTS.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE IT
TAKES 3 MILLION AND MULTIPLY
IT BY EIGHT AND TAKE OFF YOUR
PANTS AND WALK THROUGH THE
WINDOW AND WAVE AT ME.
I AM RIGHT THERE.
THE SO-CALLED LIFELINE PROGRAM
PROVIDES PHONES TO -- FREE TO
150 MINUTES.
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T DOING THIS.
AND PARTICIPATION SINCE 2008.
I BELIEVE THAT'S WHEN OBAMA
WAS ELECTED.
CRITICS CONTEND THE PROGRAM IS
POORLY RUN OFFERING PHONES TO
THOSE WHO DO NOT QUALIFY AND
THOSE WHO DO QUALIFY WITH MORE
THAN ONE PHONE.
WHAT IS MORE, THEY BILL THEIR
CUSTOMERS FOR THIS.
"RED EYE" PLACED AN INTERVIEW
REQUEST, BUT WE WERE TOLD HE
WAS ON VACATION.
>> MY WIFE AND I TOOK LESSONS
ON THE BEACH.
IT WAS FANTASTIC.
I WOKE UP AND SHE WAS GONE.
I DON'T REMEMBER, BUT IT WAS A
GREAT GUY ALL-AROUND.
>> IS IT A HUMAN RIGHT?
>> I WANT YOU TO TELL ME ONE
PROGRAM THAT DOESN'T HAVE
ABUSE.
THERE ISN'T ONE.
>> THAT IS TRUE.
>> I DON'T WANT THEY WILL
TEXTING ON THE GOVERNMENT'S
DIME AND I DON'T WANT THEM
SENDING OUT PICTURES OF THE
STIMULUS PACKAGE.
>> IT IS A FAMILY SHOW.
>> DO YOU PAY FOR YOUR PHONE?
>> NO, I HAVEN'T PAID FOR A
CELL PHONE IN 15 YEARS.
BUT I DO PAY MY DAUGHTER'S
CELL PHONE BILL.
>> THAT'S THE BIG PAY BACK.
>> MAYBE SHE CAN GET IT DONE.
>> MAYBE SHE CAN.
JOY HERE IS THE THING.
I TOTALLY BUY IT EVEN THOUGH I
KNOW IT IS RIPE WITH FRAUD
LIKE YOU SAY.
HOW CAN THEY FIND JOBS IF THEY
DON'T HAVE A PHONE YOU CAN
CALL ABOUT A JOB?
JAY HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU GO AND
GET OUT AND WATCH -- WALK TO A
PAY PHONE.
BARROW ONE.
THAT'S NOT THE REASON THEY
GIVE THEM PHONES.
THAT'S THE PROGRAM.
IT IS A LIFELINE.
IF YOU ARE DYING OF
SOMETHING -- IT SHOULD BE USED
FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.
>> IF YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED AND
ON WELFARE IF YOU ARE LOOKING
FOR A JOB --
>> BUT IT CAN BE A LIFE SAVING
DEVICE.
IT IS AN IMPORTANT THING TO
HAVE.
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A CELL
PHONE IN THIS DAY AND AGE.
>> I DON'T THINK PEOPLE SHOULD
GET ANGRY ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T THINK THE GOVERNMENT
IS GIVEN THE BEST PHONES.
THEY HAVE MOTOR ROLL LAW FLIPS
FLIPS -- MOTOROLA FLIPS.
THEY HAVE THE BAD PHONE, BUT
IT WORKS.
>> BUT DOES IT UPSET YOU YOU
HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR PHONE?
>> NO, I PICK A PHONE EVERY
WEEK OUT OF SOMEBODY'S
POCKET.
I KEEP PROMISING TO RETURN IT,
BUT I NEVER DO, JUST SO THEY
KEEP IT ON.
>> BILL, YOU RECEIVED A FREE
SOUP CAN AT A LOCAL SHELTER.
AREN'T YOU PART OF THE
PROBLEM?
>> NO, I DIDN'T GET A CELL
PHONE.
THE FDC ARE GOING TO
INVESTIGATE THIS, BUT THEY RUN
THE PROGRAM.
WE KNOW HOW THAT WORKS.
AND I AM FINE IF BOXCAR BILLY
WANTS TO PLAY ANGRY BIRDS, BUT
I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE
TWO PHONES.
I HAVE ONE PHONE.TAKE THE PHONES
AWAY, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO
CALL YOUR DEALER?
>> THEY ARE MY DEALER.
THAT'S WHY I FORWARD THE
PROGRAM.
WHAT WILL I DO, SMOKE
SIGNALS?
>> EVEN IN LIKE INDIA WHERE
HALF OF THE POPULATION DOESN'T
HAVE TOILETS, BUT 99% OF THE
PEOPLE HAVE CELL PHONES.
>> IS THAT TRUE?
>> SOMEBODY WATCHED "SLUM DOG
MILLIONAIRE."
>> I THINK IT IS ANOTHER
AVENUE TO SCAM AMERICA.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FREE IT
BECOMES A SCAM.
WHAT IS NEXT, GO CARTS?
IT IS BUILT INTO THE
MENTALITY.
NOBODY WANTS TO WORK FOR
ANYTHING ANYMORE.
FROM DEPENDANCY TO INDEPENDENT
SEE.
ACCORDING TO THE HOUSING DATA,
MY FAVORITE IPPED COULD, ONE
IN -- ONE IN EVERY FOUR
HOUSEHOLDS IS OCCUPIED BY A
SINGLE PERSON.
THAT'S 80%.
IT IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE
OVER.
THE NEW YORK TIMES THROWS A
BONE TO THOSE WHO LIVE ALONE
DESCRIBING THE BENEFIT OF A
SOLO EXISTENCE.
IN PARTICULAR THE FREEDOM TO
BE QUIRKY.
HE NO DOUBT JUST GOT DUMPED.
IN A SENSE, LIVING ALONE
REPRESENTS THE SELF LET LOOSE
IN THE ABSENCE OF SUR VEILING
EYES.
HE IS FREE TO INDULGE HIS OR
HER OUTER HABITS WHAT IS
SINGLE BEHAVIOR.
HE INTERVIEWED THOSE WHO WERE
HAPPIER LIKE A WOMAN WHO RUNS
IN PLACE DURING COMMERCIALS
AND ANOTHER WHO IS FOND OF
WEARING PAN TAU LOONS AND A
BLOGGER WHO DECLARED, QUOTE, I
NEVER, EVER CLOSE THE BATHROOM
DOOR AND WHY SHOULD YOU?
HE SAYS, FEEL LIKE STANDING
NAKED AT 2 A.M. IN FRONT OF
THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR?
AS ANDY LEVY WILL TELL YOU,
YOU ARE NEVER REALLY ALONE.
CAN WE SEE THAT TAPE OF HIM AT
HOME?
>> I KNEW HE WORE THE TIGHTY
WHITEYS.
I KNEW IT.
>> AND HE DOESN'T EVEN TAKE
HIS SOCKS OFF.
WHEN SOMEBODY COMES THROUGH
THE DOOR TO BRING YOUR EGG
McMUFFIN IT IS DISGUSTING.
>> WOULDN'T EVERYONE INTEREST
-- INTERVIEWED FOR THE STORY
DROP THE ACT WHEN THEY FIND A
GUY WHO WANTS TO LIVE WITH
THEM?
>> OH MY GOSH, ARE YOU KIDDING
ME?
>> LISTEN, I WEAR PANTALOONS
AT HOME.
I DON'T THINK IT IS WEIRD OR
QUIRKY.
>> I DON'T I DON'T THINK YOU
ARE ALONE ON PURPOSE.
>> IT IS LIKE COST AND
AFFECT.
>> COULD IT BE A WEIRD THING
THAT CAUSES YOU TO LIVE
ALONE.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE ALONE