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>>> WELCOME TO "RED EYE."
IT IS LIKE FROM HERE TO
ETERNITY IF BY ETERNITY YOU
MEAN THE ROTATING BED IN MY
BASEMENT.
ANDY LEVY IS OFF TONIGHT.
TO FILL IN IS JESSE JOYCE.
JESSE, WHAT IS COMING UP ON
TONIGHT'S SHOW?
>> GOOD EVENING, "RED EYE"
VIEWS.
ANDY LEVY WILL BE OUT ALL WEEK
SPENDING TIME WITH HIS
FAMILY.
WITH FAMILY HE MEANS 9 CATS, A
MIRROR AND A NEATLY FOLDED
SOCK DRAWER.
JIM CARREY IS CATCHING SLACK
ABOUT A VIDEO WHERE HE MAKES A
JOKE.
NO WORD ON WHETHER THE BLOW
BACK WILL SHELF PLANS FOR HIS
UPCOMING VIDEO ABOUT JANE
FONDA AND A MERV GRIFFIN
SKETCH.
AND YOU DO WANT TO LIVE LIKE A
HOMELESS PERSON, BUT DON'T
WANT BILL SCHULZ'S JOB?
THEY ARE OFFERING FEELING LIKE
A HOMELESS PERSON FOR A
NIGHT.
THEY WILL EVEN THROW IN A JAR
OF URINE TO TOSS AT
PASSERSBY.
AND FINALLY, THE BILL AND
MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION WILL
GIVE A MILLION DOLLARS FOR A
MORE EFFECTIVE ***.
SOMEBODY TELL BILL GETTING
NERDS TO CREATE A BETTER
*** IS LIKE GETTING BILL TO
CREATE BETTER BASKETBALL
SHOES.
I DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW SO I
DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WORE.
>> IT IS NICE YOU COULD MUG
AED FROM GWYNN MAN GNAW -- A
FRED GWYNN MAN MANNEQUIN FOR
YOUR CLOTHES.
WHEN YOU ARE DONE YOU CAN BE
THE MATER DE AT THE OLIVE DWAR
DEN IN TIMES SQUARE.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THE BABY GAP
OFFERED OUTFITS FOR KIDS WHO
WANTED TO DRESS LIKE THEIR
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER.
>> GO AWAY.
I WILL SEE YOU LATER.
>>> SHE IS SO HOT THAT SPRING
BREAKERS FLOCK TO HER.
I AM HERE WITH AUTHOR,
COLUMNIST AND CONTRIBUTOR
JEDEDIAH BILA.
AND IF HILARITY WAS A POSTCARD
HE WOULD COME IN A BOX.
AND IN NORTH DAKOTA HE IS
CONSIDERED A VIRUS, BILL
SCHULZ. AND IF FIERCE
COMMENTARY WAS A BUSTED SODA
MACHINE I WOULD *** HIM FOR A
DIET COKE.
NEXT TO ME, JAIME
McGUINNESS, THAT'S GAVIN'S
DAD.
HIS SON IS A WRITER FOR STREET
CARNAGE.COM.
HE SHOULD BE PROUD.
>> A BLOCK.
THE LEDE.
THAT'S THE FIRST STORY.
NOW LET ME OUT OF HERE, GREG.
>> AN OLD SAW MEETS HEE-HAW.
JIM CARREY'S NEW VIDEO TALKS
ABOUT BIG GUNS AND SMALL
PENISES AND BLAMES A DEAD
MOVIE STAR FOR VIOLENCE IN
AMERICA.
THE ACTOR SAID IN A STATEMENT,
QUOTE, I FIND THE GUN PROBLEM
FRUSTRATING AND COLD DEAD HAND
IS MY FUN LITTLE WAY OF
EXPRESSING THAT FRUSTRATION.
TAKE A
WILL BYWAY MORE GUNS THAN
YOU ♪
>> ON SUNDAY CARRIE TWEETED --
CARREY TWEETED FOLKS ARE
WORRIED AND THEIR NERVOUSNESS
IS MORE THAN THE SAFETY OF OUR
CHILDREN.
AND IT IS ABOUT YOU HEART LESS
[BLEEP] UNWILLING TO BEND FOR
THE SAFETY OF OUR KIDS.
MEAN -- MEANWHILE, A PREVIEW
OF CARREY'S LATEST MOVIE.
>> I'M SORRY, BUT I HAD TO DO
THAT.
I APOLOGIZE.
>> THAT WAS YOU?
>> THAT WAS ME.
IT WAS A MARVELOUS, FURRY
COSTUMES.
YOU ARE AN ACCOMPLISHED
COMEDIAN.
HE MAKES JOKES ABOUT GUNS AND
*** SIZE.
ISN'T THAT GAG STALER THAN
JENNI McCARTHY'S IMPLANTS?
>> IT IS FUNNY.
I AM STILL LAUGHING.
THIS WAS WEIRD.
THIS IS A WEIRD THING FOR ME
BECAUSE I GREW UP LOVING JIM
CARREY AND NOW IT IS LIKE
WATCHING WHEN A HEAVYWEIGHT
FIGHTER GETS FAT AND CAN'T
THROW A PUNCH AND THEY ARE
JUST DOING RIB STORE
OPENINGS.
YOU ARE LIKE, COME ON, MAN,
PLEASE JUST RETIRE TO YOUR BIG
MANSION.
>> EXACTLY.
IT IS NOT ENOUGH THOUGH.
IT IS NEVER ENOUGH.
HE HAS TO BE CONSIDERED
POLITICALLY RELEVANT OR HE IS
A NOBODY.
JIMMY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT A GUY
WHO PICKS A FIGHT WITH
SOMEBODY WHO IS DEAD LIKE
CHARELTONHESTON?
>> THAT'S A [BLEEP] MAN.
I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
THE FACE STUFF, CON TORTING
YOUR FACE.
DOES HE KNOW -- HE IS FAMOUS,
RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> DOES HE NOT HAVE A
BODYGUARD?
>> YES.
>> DOES THAT BODYGUARD NOT
HAVE A GUN?
>> PROBABLY.
>> IS THAT NOT HAVING A GUN BY
PROXY IF THAT PERSON HAS A GUN
ON YOUR BEHALF?
>> EXACTLY.
AND I IMAGINE HE MUST HAVE
EXTENSIVE SECURITY LIKE A
FENCE AROUND HIS HOUSE.
>> AND HE TALKS ABOUT BEING
SEQUESTERED IN THE WEE KINGDOM
AND MEANWHILE HIS THEORIES
HAVE NOT BEEN TRUSTED IN THE
REAL WORLD BECAUSE HE IS
TALKING ABOUT LOOK AT SOUND OF
SOUND OF THE GUNS.
94% OF BLACKS ARE KILLED BY
BLACKS ON THE STREETS.
IT IS NOT NEWTOWN.
IF YOU REALLY CARE, HOW ABOUT
NOT GOOGLE IT FIRST?
>> NO RESEARCH WHATSOEVER
BEHIND --
>> TWO MINUTES ON GOOGLE.
GOOGLE IS FREE.
>> IT IS FREE.
JEDEDIAH YOU CALL IT SOCIAL
COMMENTARY.
I WAS SHOCKED.
>> IT IS AMAZING HOW
CELEBRITIES THINK THEY WILL
REEXCITE THEIR CAREERS BY
MAKING THESE KINDS OF
POLITICAL STATEMENTS.
AND HE DID TWEET ABOUT A
BODYGUARD, ACTUALLY.
HE SAID MY BODYGUARD -- HE
SAID MY BODYGUARD DIDN'T HAVE
A GUN THAT COULD FIRE X AMOUNT
OF ROUNDS.
IT IS AMAZING THE CELEBRITIES
CAN TELL US WHAT TO DO AND
THEY CAN AFFORD A BODYGUARD
WITH A GUN.
THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN'T HIRE
SOMEBODY TO WALK AROUND AND
PROTECT THEM.
THEY HAVE TO PROTECT
THEMSELVES.
>> THAT'S WHY THE MEMBERSHIP
TO MA -- TO MY MILITIA IS OPEN
AND GROWING.
>> I HAVE HUNG OUT WITH YOUR
MILITIA.
>> THEY ARE FUN.
>> THEY ARE A DOUBLE BARREL OF
LAUGHS.
>> BILL, EVEN YOU WHO HATES
GUNS AND GUN OWNERS HAS TO
AGREE THAT CARREY'S OPINIONS
ARE AS EDGY AS A TOILET SEAT.
>> AND I HAVE SHOT WAY MORE
THAN YOU EVER HAVE.
IF IT IS NOT FUNNY IT GETS TO
DIE.
THE PROBLEM WITH GETTING UPSET
ABOUT THIS AND TWEETING HOW
UPSET YOU ARE AND GOING
ON-LINE AND DISCUSSING HOW
UPSET YOU ARE, YOU ARE GIVING
THIS GUY HITS.
IT IS GOING TO BE A HUGE HIT
THIS YEAR.
AND ALL OF THOSE HITS ON-LINE,
THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHETHER OR
NOT IT IS PEOPLE WE ARE ANGRY
AT OR PEOPLE THAT THOUGHT IT
WAS THE FUNNIEST EVER.
IF YOU WANT STUFF LIKE THIS TO
DIE, WE SHOULDN'T START OUR I
BLOCK WITH IT.
>> LOOK, IT IS HELPING THEM
FEEL GREAT WHICH I DON'T SEE.
>> IF YOU SEE SOMETHING IT IS
DON'T TALK ABOUT IT?
THEN I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
>> IT IT IS WORTH TALKING
ABOUT, TALK ABOUT IT.
THIS I DON'T THINK IS WORTH
IT.
>> REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT VACCINATIONS?
I HAVE SEEN THAT VIDEO OF HIM
BEING A FOOL.
>> THAT'S MY POINT.
>> THE THING IS -- YOU THINK
IT IS NOT WORTH TALKING
ABOUT.
>> IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU
SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
>> THE THING IS, WHETHER THEY
GET HITS OR NOT DOES NOT
CONCERN ME.
THE FACT IS I HAVE TO RESPOND
TO WHAT I BELIEVE IS
INACCURATE, POORLY RESEARCHED
AND ACTUALLY I THINK BIGOTED.
I THINK THAT IS A BIGOTED
VIDEO.
HE DOES NOT LIKE WHOIT
AMERICANS.
>> OR HEE-HAW.
THAT'S THE POINT.
WITHOUT HEE-HAW HOW WOULD I
KNOW ABOUT CONWAY TWITTY.
JAY AND WHO IS THE LADY WITH
THE PRICE TAG?
>> MINI PEARL.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW MINNIE
PEARL?
JEDEDIAH, THE OTHER THING I
THINK IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE IS
EXACTLY WHAT JIMMY SAID ABOUT
THE OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF GUN
VIOLENCE DONE BY GANGS.
WHY IS IT SO EASY TO MOCK A
WHILE RURAL PERSON AND NOT A
GANG?
IS IT BECAUSE HE IS A COWARD?
IS HE AFRAID HE WILL UPSET HIS
MASTERS IN HOLLYWOOD?
>> MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY WILL
JUMP -- HOLLYWOOD WILL JUMP ON
BOARD AND HELP HIM OUT.
IT IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT
TO POINT OUT ACCURACIES.
THAT'S THE STORY THE MEDIA
DOESN'T WANT TO TELL.
HE WANTS TO SEEM COOL LIKE HE
IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE
ISSUES SO ALL OF HIS FRIENDS
CAN COME AND CHEER HIM ON.
>> WHAT STREET GANG YOU
ROLLING WITH?
>> HE HE WOULDN'T EVEN
UNDERSTAND THAT URBAN VEER --
VERNACULAR.
>> THAT WAS AWFUL.
>> COULD YOU ARGUE THAT
PERHAPS JIM CARREY HAS KILLED
MORE PEOPLE THAN GUNS?
>> MAYBE.
I WAS WATCHING THAT VIDEO AND
I FELT THAT WAS AN INTERNAL
MUDDLE.
AND HOW DO YOU QUANTIFY
THOSE?
>> WE DON'T SPEAK FRENCH IN
THIS SHOW.
>> WE SLAUGHTERED THIS TOPIC.
IS IT JUST SLEEP OR IS IT
SOMETHING DEEP?
AS HE CATCHES WINKS YOU STOP
AND THINK AND HE HAS BEEN
NAPPING IN A GLASS BOX AS PART
OF A PERFORMANCE PIECE.
IT IS CALLED "THE MAYBE."
THERE SHE IS.
THE OSCAR WINNING ACTRESS HAS
PERFORMED IT BEFORE IN LONDON
AND ROME.
IT WAS IN THE 1990s.
THAT'S A DECADE, BILL.
MOMA WHICH IS A MUSEUM SAYS
SHE DIDN'T ASK THE MUSEUM TO
ACTIVELY PUBLICIZE THE PIECE.
AND ACCORDING TO A STATEMENT
THERE IS NO PUBLISHED SCHEDULE
FOR ITS APPEARANCE.
NO ARTIST STATEMENT RELEASED.
NO MUSEUM STATEMENT BEYOND
THIS BRIEF CONTEXT AND NO
PUBLIC PROFILE OR IMAGE
ISSUED.
THOSE WHO FIND IT CHANCE UPON
IT FOR THEMSELVES.
LIVE AND IN REAL SHARED TIME.
NOW WE SEE IT, NOW WE DON'T.
>> IT IS LIKE COMING ACROSS A
SEMIOBSCURE ACTRESS TAKING A
NAP IN A BUILDING.
MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER ROOM.
>> CONFLICT.
>> THEY DON'T LEARN AT ALL.
THAT WAS A BIRD AND A TOY BIRD
ENACTING THE ISRAEL PLO
CONFLICT.
>> LET'S STICK TO TILDA.
IS THIS ART OR A KNACK OR
COULD IT BE BOTH?
>> I HATE TO PLAY DEVIL'S
ADVOCATE I THINK ABOUT ALL ART
WHICH IS IT IS CRAP.
AND THEN YOU THINK SHE IS
BLOODY WEIRD LOOKING.
SHE LOOKS LIKE A WEE FROG.
WEE FROG MAN.
>> FROG MAN?
>> AYE.
AND THEN YOU GO, LOOK AT IT,
WEIRD LOOKING PEOPLE AND THEN
YOU GO, THAT'S A CELEBRITY.
WELL THAT'S WEIRD TOO.
THEY ARE WEIRD.
YOU THINK YOU ARE WEIRD.
AND THEN THEY ARE IN A BOX AND
THEY SAY WE WOULD RATHER SEE
THAT THAN A VOICE OF FIRE.
I WANT TO GO AND LOOK AT A
WEIRD CELEBRITY WITH A WEIRD
LIZARD FACE AND SLEEPING IN A
BOX.
>> SHE DOES LOOK LIKE SHE IS
TRYING TO GIVE RICHARD
DREYFUSS A MESSAGE THROUGH HIS
POTATOES EXCEPT WITH MORE
HAIR.
>> DAN, YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE SHE
KNOWS HOW TO CURL UP IN AN
ARTISTIC MANNER AND SHE IS A
WALKING PIECE OF ART.
>> I WILL NOT BACK THIS
FILLET.
THIS FILTH.
AS SOMEONE WHO NAPS DAILY LOOK
AT HER NAP FORM, IT IS ALL
OFF.
IT IS GROSS.
>> WHAT KIND OF NAPPING DO YOU
SUGGEST?
>> I LIKE TO DO THE -- THE
SIDE LAYING I LIKE WHERE SHE
IS STARTING WITH THIS.
WHAT SHE NEEDS TO INCORPORATE
IS THROW THE LEG OVER AND
START *** THE MATTRESS.
I LIKE THAT THEY ARE LIKE YOU
WON'T KNOW WHEN IT IS
HAPPENING MIDDAY.
>> DO YOU EVER NAP WITH HALF
YOUR BODY OFF THE BED?
>> NO BECAUSE I AM NOT A
PSYCHO PATH.
I NAP IN A FULL BED, AND I AM
REALLY GOOD AT IT.
>> EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
>> YOU THOUGH WHAT, I AM
PUTTING A CHALLENGE OUT RIGHT
NOW.
FROG LADY, NAP OFF.
ME AND YOU.
>> JEDEDIAH, ARE YOU PLANNING
ON SEEING IT?
ARE YOU JUST GOING TO BE HAPPY
TO WATCH YOURSELF SLEEP WITH A
MIRROR?
>> I WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE
DOESN'T HAVE ANY BLANKETS AND
SHE IS NOT WEARING JAMMIES.
DOESN'T THAT SEEM ODD?
DON'T YOU WANT TO GET COZY IF
YOU WANT TO TAKE A NAP?
>> THEY HER CLOTHES LOOK
RELATIVELY JAM ME.
>> MINE A HARD CORE JAMMIES.
BREAK OUT THE FLANNELS AND THE
BLANKET AND A COZY PILLOW.
IS IT POSSIBLE SHE IS JUST
ACTING?
>> SHE COULD BE ACTING.
>> I DON'T THINK SHE KNOWS
WITH THE RULES OF NAPPING.
>> BILL SLEEPS IN A BOX UNDER
THE OVERPASS.
IF THAT WERE ART YOU MIGHT BE
FAMOUS.
>> AND I WEAR MY DEATH
JAMMIES.
THIS WOMAN IS GENDERLESS.
SHE IS BOTH A REVELATION AND A
REVOLUTION AND A REFLECTION.
I WILL TELL YOU THIS, IF YOU
ARE INTERESTED IN LEARNING
MORE ABOUT THIS ARTIST, I
RECOMMEND GOOGLING HER NAME
AND NUDE AND ORLANDO OR YOUNG
ADAM OR I AM LOVE, OR WE MUST
TALK ABOUT KEVIN OR A MYRIAD
OF OTHER -- AS A MATTER OF
FACT, DON'T EVEN BOTHER WITH
THE MOVIE.
GOOGLE TILDA AND NUDE.
FULL FRONTAL.
>> I SAW "I AM LOVE."
HAS ANYBODY SEEN "I AM LOVE"?
IT IS ONE OF THE STRANGEST OF
ALL TIME.
>> THREE-WORD REVIEW, I AM
CONFUSED.
FORGET THE ITALIAN.
EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS
STRANGE.
SHE IS OUR GENERATION'S DAVID
BOWIE.
>> SHE IS IN A DAVID BOWIE
VIDEO.
>> NO, DAVID BOWIE IS IN THE
TILDA VIDEO.
>> YOU KNOW THEY GET THE
CAMERAS THAT CAN GO 900 FEET
DEEPER THAN ANY OTHER CAMERA?
>> YES JIE. AND THEY GET THESE
WEIRD THINGS THAT EAT WHALES
AND THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN THE
SUN.
>> WHEN I WATCH THAT SHOW I
GO, MY GOD.
HE IS A LOBSTER MAN.
>> PICTURE THE CREATURE IN A
BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
MUSEUM.
THAT'S WORTH THE PRICE OF
ADMISSION.
>> SHE IS LIKE -- SHE IS A
TIME TRAVELER.
SHE CAME FROM AMERICA 3050 AND
SHE IS HAVING FUN HERE.
>> SHE GOES --
>> I WILL NEVER FORGET MICHAEL
CLAYTON WHERE SHE STUCK HER
ARM HAND IN THE ARM PIT AND
SNIFFED IT.
>> AND ONE OF THE FEW TIMES
SHE DIDN'T HAVE A NUDE THEME
WAS CHRISTMAS.
>> SHE IS ANOTHER PLANET'S
TREASURE.
>> DISCOVERY CHANNEL WITH
ANOTHERRAL BINE KNOW PRAYING
MAN TIES ATTACKED HER AND SHE
ATE THE EYES.
>>> COMING UP, IS LIFE ON THE
ROAD AS A COMEDIAN A GREAT
COVER FOR SERIAL ***?
DAN SODER DISCUSSES HIS LATEST
BOOK.
AND GRANDPARENTS SMOKING POT?
YES, GRANDPARENTS SMOKING
POT.
THANK YOU, PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>>> HAS THC HIT THE AARP?
THE NEW YORK TIMES REPORTED
THAT AMERICA'S SENIORS HAVE
NEVER BEEN MORE ***.
THE TREND PIECE ON OLD FOLKS
WHO *** INCLUDE AN NECK DOUGH
TALL EVIDENCE ABOUT A TEACHER
WHO GETS READY WITH PALS TO
PLAY POKER AND SMOKE POT.
ALWAYS A TEACHER.
IT IS NICE.
IT IS JUST A SOCIAL THING.
IT IS LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GET
TOGETHER AND THEY CRACK OPEN
THEIR BEERS.
WHATEVER, CHER.
OTHER EVIDENCE OF THIS, MOMS
FOR MARIJUANA INTERNATIONAL
HAS RECEIVED SO MUCH INTEREST
THAT IT CREATED GRANNIES FOR
GRASS CHAPTERS THIS ILLINOIS,
OHIO AND MISSOURI.
STATS BACK IT UP.
ACCORDING TO A NATIONAL SURVEY
6% OF ADULTS BETWEEN AGE 50
AND 59 USED MARIJUANA IN
2011.
THAT'S DOUBLE THE NUMBER --
>> YOU WERE BOGARDING DURING
THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
>> LET'S GO LIVE TO THE
POT-LOVING PUSSYCAT FOR A
COUNTER POINT.
THE TOWER OF THE DRUG.
-- THE POWER OF THE DRUG.
IT IS THE POWER OF THE DRUG.
DAN, YOU HAVE BEEN SELLING
WEED AT RETIREMENT HOMES FOR
YEARS NOW.
>> IT IS HOW I MAKE MY MONEY.
>> WHAT DO THEY SEE OF THE
SCENE IN IS THIS TRUE?
>> I LIKE OLD PEOPLE SMOKING
WEED.
THEY ARE FUN.
THEY ARE OLD AND WRINKLY AND
DOCILE.
YOU GET THEM ALL HIGH AND YOU
CAN STEAL THEIR JEWELRY.
>> YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON.
>> I AM.
>> AT LEAST YOU ADMIT IT.
>> IT IS BETTER THAN DRUNK
PEOPLE GETTING WASTED AND
MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF YOU.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> WITH WEED THEY WILL TELL
YOU SOME CRAZY STUFF LIKE MAN,
THE MOON LANDING DIDN'T REALLY
HAPPEN.
I WAS THERE.
I WAS IN THE STUDIO.
>> ANDY LEVY ALWAYS SAYS THAT
AND HE NEVER SMOKES POT.
>> JIMMY, WHEN IT COMES TO END
WILLING -- TO ENDING THE WAR
ON DRUGS WILL IT LEAVE US?
>> I HAVE DONE POT, MODERN
POT.
I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
IN MY DAY YOU WOULD HAVE A
GARBAGE BAG AND YOU WOULD ROLL
A CHEECH AND CHONG AND YOU
BARELY GET A BUZZ.
TODAY YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT 75%
TOBACCO OR TAKE ONE HIT AND
THEN YOU ARE ON BLOODY LSD.
I ALWAYS SAID POT IS GOOD FOR
HORROR MOVIES AND
INTERCOURSE.
OLD PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THOSE
THINGS.
YOU GET INTO IT.
>> NO, YOU START LISTENING TO
OTHER THINGS.
>> IT IS TOO STRONG NOW.
IDEALLY POT IS A *** THING
AND A HORROR MOVIE NOW.
NOW IT IS LSD AND OLD PEOPLE
DOING LSD AND WATCHING HORROR
MOVIES AND TRYING TO FORNICATE
WITH THEIR WEIRD GENITALS AND
THEY ARE GOING TO DIE.
>> JEDEDIAH, COULD IT BE A
GOOD TIME BECAUSE THERE ARE NO
RESPONSIBILITIES.
>> THE KIDS ARE GONE.
THE GRAND KIDS AREN'T AROUND.
MY GRANDMA IS 99 AND I CAN
TELL YOU SHE IS A BROOKLYN GAL
AND SHE WOULD BE INTO THIS.
I JUST WORRY SHE WILL GET
PARANOID.
AN OLD PERSON PARANOID IS NOT
A GOOD THING.
>> DID ANYONE HEAR DEATH?
I JUST HEARD DEATH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO JIMMY?
>> THEY ARE ALREADY PARANOID.
BILL, DO DO YOU WORRY YOU WILL
DIE TOO SOON TO BE A ***
SENIOR?
>> I DO.
I WONDER WHY WE ARE SO
SURPRISED.
THESE GUYS ARE BABY BOOMERS.
WE HAVE SUCH DELAYED
ADOLESCENTS THAT WE ARE NOT
ABLE TO WRAP OUR HEAD AROUND
THE FACT THAT OUR MOMS AND DAD
RTZ PEOPLE THAT ARE ARE -- MA
WERE BOOMERS AND THEY WERE
SMOKING POT BACK THEN AND
DOING IT NOW.
THIS IS NORMAL.
THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
>> MY PARENTS USED TO HANG OUT
IN THE HATE ASH BURR RESECTION
OF SAN FRANCISCO.
MOM, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
THANKS FOR LETTING ME BARROW
YOUR PIPE THROUGH HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> YOU TURNED OUT GREAT.
>> YOU KNOW.
>> I DO KIND OF AGREE WITH
JIMMY.
I SUR COME EXPECT OF TREND
PIECES.
THERE IS ONLY ONE STATISTIC.
>> ONE LADY WHO SMOKED A PEN
JOINT CAN YOU SEE THESE
SENIORS HAG -- I CAN'T HANDLE
IT AND I AM 70.
>> YOU SEE HER WEARING A BRA
OUTSIDE HER BRA.
>> I JUST HAD A FAT BLUNT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE ARE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK.
DO I HAVE A COMMENT?
IT IS RED EYE AT FOX
NEWS.COM.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
YOU CAN DO THIS EVENING?
ASK YOURSELF.
DO YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOUR
ANIMAL DOING SOMETHING?
GO TO TOKES NEWS.COM/RED EYE
AND CLICK ON SUBMIT A VIDEO.
THE HALF TIME REPORT FROM
JESSE JOYCE.
IT IS PROBABLY BETTER THAN
ANDY LEVEY.
COME ON.
>> TONIGHT'S HALF TIME REPORT
IS SPONSORED BY THE THIRD
PLANET FROM THE SUN WITH A
REVOLUTION OF 365 DAYS WITH AN
AVERAGE DISTANCE OF 92 MILLION
MILES OF THANKS, EARTH.
>>> WE ARE BACK.
LET'S SEE IF WE GOT ANYTHING
WRONG SO FAR.
FOR THAT WE GO TO TV'S JESSE
JOYCE.
WHAT'S UP, JESSE?
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> GLAD YOU SHAVED FOR
TONIGHT.
>> WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
YOU HAVE JIMMY SITTING NEXT TO
YOU AND YOU ARE COMPLAINING
ABOUT MY FACIAL SITUATION?
>> THAT'S A BIT RICH.
THAT'S A BIT PRIVATE.
IN SCOTLAND IT IS A CULTURAL
THING.
I DON'T MEAN TO SEEM RACIST,
BUT IT IS AZEAPHOBIC.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU
FOR TAKING TIME OUT FROM CAT
TEEING FROM MUMFORD AND SONS
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
GREATLY APPRECIATED.
>> THE HAT IS UBIQUITOUS IN
SCOTLAND.
IN MY COUNTRY THIS IS NOT AN
UNUSUAL CADDIE THING.
>> I HAVE NEVER HAD A
CONVERSATION WITH A CABDRIVER
FROM "BRAVE HEART" BEFORE.
THIS SINTING.
THIS IS INTERESTING.
I ENJOY YOUR CHARACTER.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ALCOHOLISM
PER SON GNAW FIGHT.
JAY YOU MAY WANT TO --
>> YOU MAY WANT TO LEAVE
AMERICA FOR ONCE BECAUSE THERE
IS A WHOLE WORD GOING ON AND
*** IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF
IT.
>> I DIDN'T CATCH A WORD OF
THAT, BUT I APPRECIATE WHAT
YOU SAID.
>> LET'S GET THAT IT.
LET'S GET INTO IT.
THE JIM CARREY STORY.
JIM YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO REMIND
US YOU ARE IN RAY MILITIA.
YOUR SHIRT SAYS THAT.
>> IT SAYS PEARL JAM COVER
MANED.
AND -- COVER BAND AND THE
MILITIAS IS THE HATE SPEECH
TATOOD ON MY BACK.
>> AND JIMMY, YOU DID SAY YOU
SAW JIM CARREY'S SACK SAW
NATION VIDEO -- VACCINATION
VIDEO WHEN YOU IMPLIED YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS.
>> I D WHEN I RESEARCHED THE
STORY I SAID OH THAT IS THE
[BLEEP] TALKING ABOUT
VACCINATION.
I REMEMBER NOW.
>> FAIR ENOUGH.
GOOD SAVE.
JEDEDIAH, YOU SAID HE DID THIS
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEEM COOL
WHICH IS THE FIRST TIME HAS
USED A HEE-HAW HAIR -- PARODY
TO SEEM COOL.
BEFORE WE MOVE OI WANT TO SAY
THAT, BILL, I AM IMPRESSED YOU
CHOSE TO DRESS LIKE AN EDDIE
MONEY IMPERSONATOR.
>> I LOOK LIKE JIM CARREY AT
THE IMPROVE IN 1988.
THIS IS PROBABLY EXACTLY WHAT
HE WOULD WEAR, BUT WITH MORE
SHOULDER PADS.
>> ARE YOU MICHAEL KEY TON
WHEN HE HAD HAIR.
TILDASWINSON, WHY IS A MOVIE
STAR SLEEPING IN A BEAKS ART?
STEVE STEVE GUTENBURG HAS BEEN
SLEEPING IN A BOX IN A
REFRIGERATOR FACTORY FOR YEARS
AND IT IS WELFARE.
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TEAR HIM
DOWN?
HE ENTERTAINED YOU FOR THE
BETTER PART OF A DECADE.
>> HE DOESN'T HAVE A TV.
I THINK WE ARE SAFE.
>> WHO CAN FORGET "THE BEDROOM
WINDOW."
>> EVERYBODY IS MISSING THE
POINT.
THE REASON IT IS ARTISTIC AND
INTERESTING IS BECAUSE
ORDINARILY TILDA SLEEPS IN AN
ABANDONED CAT TAU COMB BELOW
THE EARTH'S SURFACE TO
REGULATE HER BODY TEMPERATURE
BEING CLOSER TO THE EARTH'S
CORE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IS GREAT?
SHE NEVER DENIES ANY OF THESE
ACCUSATIONS.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE.
SHE NEVER SAYS, I AM HUMAN.
>> THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY
TRUE.
SHE LIVES IN A LITTLE SAT TOE
-- SAT TOE FAR AWAY FROM MAN
WITH HER HUSBAND AND YOUNG
LOVER.
THAT IS TRUE.
HER HUSBAND AND HER YOUNG
LOVER.
>> WHAT GENDER IS THE YOUNG
LOVER?
>> IT IS A GUY.
>> THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON
IN THE BEDROOM, CAN YOU
IMAGINE?
>> I WANT TO TAKE CONTROL OF
THE HALF TIME REPORT AGAIN.
GREG, YOU SAID -- YOU ASKED
DAN HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT
HALFWAY OFF THE BED.
WHAT BED IS TINY ENOUGH THAT
YOU CAN SLEEP HALFWAY OFF OF
IT?
>> THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I TRY
TO GET TO BED AND I AM SO
TIRED THAT I FALL ASLEEP
BEFORE REACHING THE BED IN TOE
TALL TEE.
AND I -- TOTALITY AND HALF OF
MY BODY IS ON THE GROUND.
THAT'S HOW HARD I WORK.
>> JEDEDIAH, WHY DOES
PRESIDENT SWINSON JAMMIES?
AND YOU DON'T WEAR THEM WHEN
YOU TAKE A NAP.
YOU DO WEAR JAMMIES WHEN YOU
ARE DOING A SILLY SCOTTISH
FIGURE ON "RED EYE."
>> THIS JACKET IS WORTH 150
SQUID AND THIS SHIRT IS A
CUSTOM MADE VINTAGE MASTER
PIECE THAT IS WORTH MORE THAN
YOUR GIGANTIC CLOTHES YOU
ENORMOUS WOMAN OF A MAN.
YOUR *** IS THE SIZE OF THE
STUDIO.
WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR JEANS
FROM?
THE INTERNET?
>> WHY THE INTERNET?
>> BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO MAKE
THEM IN MALAYSIA WHERE THEY
HAVE TO GET THAT MUCH DENIM.
>> THE CHARACTER IS UNFAME
THRER WITH PANTS BECAUSE HE
WEARS SKIRTS.
DAN REGARDING THE MARIJUANA
OLD AGE STORY, YOU DISAGREED
WITH JIMMY THAT POT IS GOOD
FOR INTERCOURSE, BUT YOU
DIDN'T CONSIDER HOW AMAZING
SHEEP WOOL FEELS WHILE HAVING
INTERCOURSE.
>> I DON'T AND I DIDN'T.
>> LASTLY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SAY OF COURSE POT SMOKING
IS INCREASING BECAUSE THE
PEOPLE OF THE WOODSTOCK
GENERATION ARE GETTING OLDER.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING IN THE NEXT
10 YEARS, YOU DON'T HEAR AS
MANY RACIST JAPANESE JOKES AS
YOU USED TO.
THAT'S BECAUSE ALL OF THOSE
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE.
THEY WON'T BE AROUND.
THANK YOU.
BACK TO YOU, GREG.
>> THANK YOU.
WE WILL BE SEEING YOU SOON.
COMING UP, HOW DOES SLATHERING
MY BODY IN MIRACLE WHIP HELP
ME CONTAIN MY USUAL GLOW?
IS IT TIME WE INVENTED A
BETTER ***?
AND WHAT IF IT COULD FIT OVER
BILL'S HEAD?
AND WHAT IF IT IS A PLASTIC
BAG?
WHAT IF HE SUFFOCATES AND I
JUST LAUGH?
>>> INSTEAD OF A SUITE YOU ARE
OUT ON THE STREET.
5* SWEDISH ORGANIZATION, IS
THERE ANY OTHER KIND, OFFERS
VISITORS THE CHANCE TO BE
HOMELESS FOR A NIGHT.
THE HOTEL HAS 10 ROOMS
INCLUDING A FILTHY MATTRESS
UNDER A BRIDGE AND A SLEEPING
BAG IN THE PARK AND THE FLOOR
OF AN ABANDONED PAPER MILL.
IT COSTS $15, BUT FEW MANAGED
TO STATE THROUGH THE NIGHT.
SAYS THE GUY BEHIND THE
PROJECT, QUOTE, A COUPLE OF
GUESTS TOLD THEM IT MADE THEM
APPRECIATE THEIR EVERYDAY LIFE
IN A NEW WAY.
THE GOAL IS TO RAISE AWARENESS
OF THE HOMELESS SITUATION.
YES, RAISING AWARENESS.
DISCUSS.
>> LIGHTNING
ROOOOOUUUUNNNNDDD.
LIGHTNING ROUND.
>> JEDEDIAH, WE ARE, WHAT, 20
MILES FROM SWEDEN.
WOULD YOU CHECK THIS OUT?
WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND
MAKE YOU SEE THINGS
DIFFERENTLY?
>> I WOULDN'T PAY $15 FOR IT.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PAY?
WHY NOT JUST FIND A DIRTY,
GROSS PLACE TO SLEEP IN AND
EXPERIENCE IT THAT WAY?
WHY GIVE THEM MY MONEY?
>> THE ODDS #R BILL WILL BE
STANDING OVER YOU AND PEAKING
ON YOU.
PEEING.
>> VOW BEING GUARDED AND CAN'T
GET STABBED.
>> RIGHT.
>> IT IS NOT A REAL BRIDGER.
>> IT IS NOT A BRIDGE.
IT IS LIKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK
AREA WHERE THEY SET THESE
THINGS UP.
DAN, FIRST THEY GAVE US IKEA
AND NOW THIS.
CAN SWEDEN DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
THEY HAVE HORSE IN THEIR
MEATBALLS.
>> BEING OF SWEDISH DISSENT I
SAY YES AND HOW DARE YOU
OFFEND MY PEOPLE?
THIS IS ONE TIME WHEN YOU SAY
LOOK HOW POOR PEOPLE LIVE.
I LOVE MY HOUSE.
POOR PEOPLE LIVE SO BAD.
WHAT IS NEXT?
HUNTING HUMANS?
YES I SMOKE PAT -- SMOKE POT.
>> YOU MAY BE THE ONLY ONE WHO
SAW THAT MOVIE.
>> LAST TIME I WATCHED IT WITH
THE SOUND OFF AND THE CLOSED
CAPTIONING ON.
IN A SEEDY BAR.
>> I WATCHED IT WITH CLOSED
CAPTIONING WITH A SEEDY BAR
FULL OF SEED.
>> IT SUMS UP THE EUROPEAN
LIBERAL AND THEY ARE UNDER THE
IMPRESSION THAT PEOPLE DOWN ON
THEIR LUCK JUST HAD A BAD
DAY.
>> LOOK AT THAT NICE IKEA
HOME.
YOU HAD A BAD WEEK AND YOU
WILL BE UNDER A BRIDGE.
LET'S RAISE AWARENESS.
MEANWHILE, HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE
SEVERELY ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL
AND SEVERELY AND MENTALLY
ILL.
YOU SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU ARE
LYING DOWN UNDER THE BRIDGE
AND EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL
YOU.
YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET
AWAY FROM THAT.
LISTEN TO ANY BEET TELLS SONG
WILL TELL YOU YOU ARE THE ONLY
PERSON ALIVE.
YOU CAN'T LET THEM STEAL IT.
>> WHO WAS THAT?
>> THAT'S THE VOICES.
>> SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU HAVE
HEARD A LOT OF THEM.
>> NOPE.
>> BILL, TO YOU THIS PLACE
MUST SOUND LIKE THE FOUR
SEASONS AND NOT THE HOTEL, BUT
WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER AND
FALL WHEN YOU ARE OUT ON YOUR
***.
>> THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TO
SEE THEM.
I AM HAPPY WITHOUT THREE OF
THOSE.
THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF IT MAKES
ME APPRECIATE MY LIFE WHEN I
AM DONE WITH IT, MOST OF THE
VIEWERS DON'T LIKE ME.
SO WHY NOT INVITE ME TO YOUR
PLACE AND I CAN ENJOY THE GOOD
LIFE AND IT WILL MAKE ME UH
PROOSH YAIT MY SITUATION
LETS.
-- MAKE ME APPRECIATE MY
SITUATION LESS.
>> LET'S MOVE ON.
BILL GATES, THE RICH GUY, IS
OFFERING $100,000 TO ANY START
UP COMPANY THAT CAN COME UP
WITH THE NEXT GENERATION
***.
IT IS PART OF THE GATES
FOUNDATION GLOBAL HEALTH
INITIATIVE.
WITH THE AIM OF IMPROVING THE
LIVES OF THE WORLD'S POOREST
PEOPLE.
ACCORDING TO THE PRESS
RELEASED, THE NEW *** WILL
PRESERVE OR ENHANCE THE
PLEASURE SO AS TO CREATE UP
TAKE AND PROMOTE ITS REGULAR
USE.
IS THIS A PRESSING ISSUE?
CONDOMS THAT FEEL BETTER?
>> YES.
THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM.
I HATE THE WAY YOU GET THEM ON
CORRECTLY AND THEY DISAPPEAR
BEHIND THE FIRST WRINKLE.
>> I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS.
WE WILL BE BLEEPING THAT.
>> IT COMES DOWN TO THE REAL
TRUTH WITH LIBERALS AND THE
POOR.
THEY DON'T WANT THEM AROUND.
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING AT A
SEMINAR WITH THE WORLD'S POOR
AND GOING WE'VE GOT SOME IDEAS
AND WE THEY'D TO GET RID OF
YOU -- AND WE NEED TO GET RID
OF YOU.
IF WE CAN ONLY GET THE
TECHNOLOGY TO GET RID OF EVERY
SINGLE POOR *** HERE.
CAN I GET A HELL YA?
>> I HEAR YOU.
IF IT PREVENTS DISEASE AND
PREGNANCY, IS HE WRONG AND
GATES CAN BE RIGHT?
>> I GUESS IT WILL BE GOOD,
BUT HE WANTS IT TO HAVE GROUND
BREAKING DESIGN.
I AM NOT SURE IT HAS A LOT OF
FLEXIBILITY.
>> YOU SHOOT IT FROM A
CANNON.
>> I NEED MORE DETAILS ABOUT
THIS.
>> IT COULD BE A *** THAT
YOU WEAR ALL THE TIME SO YOU
NEVER HAVE TO PUT ONE ON.
>> I AM WEARING ONE RIGHT
NOW.
>> STILL WEAR PANTS THOUGH.
>> STAPLE RTZ HARDEST PART.
>> YOU DON'T CALL IT GOING
PEE.
IT IS MAKING A CONTENTIOUS
WATER BALLOON.
>> AND THEN THROW IT AT THE
POOR PEOPLE WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT.
>> WHERE DID THIS GO?
BILL I READ GATES IS DOING
THIS SO YOU WILL NEVER
REPRODUCE.
THAT IS A LONG WAY TO GO TO
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T HAVE OFF
SPRING.
>> YES, YES, WE GET IT.
GOOD LORD.
I HAVE READ HE IS A JERK.
LIKE WHEN HE WAS AT MICROSOFT
HE WOULD YELL AT PEOPLE ALL
THE TIME AND I'M MASS SKEW
LATE THEM.
I DON'T SEE THAT GOING WELL
WITH CONDOMS.
I SEE THEM BEING LIKE, YOU
CALL THIS SPERMACIDE?
THIS IS NOT EVEN RIBBED FOR MY
PLEASURE.
THEY ARE DOING IT FOR THE
KINDNESS OF THEIR OWN HEARTS.
>> HE HAS DONE SO MUCH FOR THE
WORLD.
>> CALL HIM, LADIES.
>> LET'S TAKE A BREAK.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
OTHER TIMES YOU CAN GO --
>> OTHER TIMES I JUST [BLEEP]
IT UP.
>> GOING TO WRITE THAT ONE
DOWN TOO.
>> WE SHOULD TALK MORE SO WE
CAN ADD TO THE VIDEO WE WILL
NEED TO REPLACE THIS.
>> MAYBE I WILL DO ONE OF MY
PSYCHO THINGS.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL
TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.
AND REMEMBER, "THE JOY OF
HATE" ANY BOOKSTORE, GO TO ANY
BOOKSTORE OR ORDER FROM
AMAZON.
THAT'S A WEBSITE.
IT IS NOT THE TREE, THE
FORESTY TREES.
WHAT AM I SAYING IN --
SAYING?
FOR AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY GO TO
G GUTFELD.COM AND ORDER 20.
>>> WELCOME BACK.
A DETROIT WOMAN IS SUFFERING
FROM A SEVERE FLUORIDE OVER
DOSE AFTER DRINKING 100 CUPS
OF TEA EVERY DAY.
FOR 17 YEARS.
THE 47-YEAR-OLD LOST ALL OF
HER TEETH AND THE FIRST
DOCTORS THOUGHT SHE HAD
CANCER.
SHE HAS GIVEN UP TEA, BUT THE
DOCTORS SAY SHE IS HOOKED ON
DIET COKE.
I GO TO YOU, DAN, FIRST
BECAUSE I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT
OF PROBLEMS.
ONE HAS TO BE AN ADDICTION TO
HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS OR A
BEVERAGE OR SOME KIND OF
FOOD.
AM I RIGHT?
>> IT IS CALLED HUFFING, BUT
IT WAS FUN AND I HAVEN'T LOST
ANY TEETH YET.
>> GOOD.
>> A HUNDRED CUPS OF TEA A
DAY?
HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?
HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU TO GET
OUT OF DETROIT?
MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING IN
HERE THAT WILL E E THIS.
>> SHE IS COMMITTING SUICIDE
IN AN INCREDIBLY SLOW, SLOW
WAY.
JIMMY, WHAT IS YOUR THEORY
BEHIND ADDICTION?
>> HERE IS THE DEAL.
A LOT OF US HAVE A GLAND OR
INSTINCT OR A SWITCH THAT
SAYS, NOT DOING THAT AGAIN.
WHEN I FIRST TRIED EGGNOG I
THOUGHT, I LOVE THIS STUFF.
I HAD A THREE LITER THING -- I
CAN FEEL MY STOMACH ABOUT TO
RIP AND I THOUGHT I AM GOING
TO GET ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.
THAT'S DELICIOUS.
I DID IT AGAIN AND TO THIS DAY
EVEN THE WORD EGGNOG WANTS TO
MAKE ME HEAVE AND PRO VEHICLE
TILE VOMIT.
THIS WOMAN DOESN'T HAVE THAT.
>> WHOLE CHOCOLATE MILK I
THINK I CAN DRINK A SWIMMING
POOL OF WHOLE CHOCOLATE MILK.
>> NESTLE QUICK?
>> NO, THE KIND IN A GLASS
BOTTLE THAT IS SO THICK.
>> THAT MEANS YOU HAVE NEVER
OVER DONE IT.
>> I DRANK AN ENTIRE QUART IN
ONE SITTING.
>> WOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF CHOCOLATE
MILK.
>> SOMETIMES CRYING.
>> IN THE BATH.
>> IN A STRANGER'S BATH.
SHOULDN'T SHE BE HONORED SHE
BROKE A RECORD?
>> AND I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO
SOMETHING YOU HATE AND YOU
MAKE FUN OF ALL THE TIME.
CUP CAKES.
THE MINI CAKE, I AM ADDICTED
TO IT.
>> WOMEN SAY THAT, BUT YOU ARE
NOT ADDICTED.
YOU JUST SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR
THROAT LATE AT NIGHT.
>> I LOVE MY CUP CAKES.
>> HOW MANY.
>> I EATS A FEW A DAY, BUT IF
I COULD, I WOULD SIT AND EAT
THEM.
DONUTS TOO.
I COULD EAT A DOZEN DONUTS.
>> UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
I LOVE DONUTS.
>> WE ANALYZE THIS STUFF AND
IT IS BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD.
SHE LIKES THE TASTE OF IT.
TEA IS GOOD, BUT IT IS
CAFFEINE SO IT CAN BE UH
DISTRICT TIFF.
>> IF ONLY BILL WAS UH
DISTRICTED -- ADDICTED TO
CAFFEINE.
THIS IS A LITTLE MORE UH -- UH
STEN DAY SHOES.
FOR ME IT IS A MELBA TOAST.
IF I AM INTO IT, MAYBE COTTAGE
CHEESE.
YOU KNOW I EAT FROM THE SAME
CHINESE FOOD RESTAURANT FOUR
TIMES A WEEK?
>> THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
>> IT IS NOT, BUT IT IS
GREAT.
IF I SKIP A DAY, I GO BACK THE
NEXT DAY BECAUSE I FEEL I
DESERVE IT.
I ONLY BONE LESS SPARE RIBS
AND SALT AND PEPPER PORK CHOPS
WELL DONE.
>> I COULD NOT CARELESS.
HE HAS A FAVORITE RESTAURANT
NEARBY.
THE CHOCOLATE MILK THING WE
CAN GET INTO.
THAT'S A HUGE MENU THERE.
>> NO, YOU MISUNDERSTAND
UNDERSTOOD.
YOU MISSED MY POIMT.
>> I ORDERED THE SAME MEAL.
>> STICK TO RIBS.
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW YOUR
HABITS.
THAT IS LIKE SHOWING ME YOUR
UNDERWEAR.
>> WE WILL CLOSE THINGS OUT
WITH A POST GAME WRAP UP.
GO TO FOX NEWS.COM/RED EYE.
>>> SEE YOU BACK HERE AT 5:00
P.M. FOR "THE FIVE."
WE HAVE JUSTIN FROM
"JUSTIFIED."
DANA PERINO AND JOE DEVITO.
IT IS TIME TO RETURN TO JESSE
JOYCE FOR THE POST GAME WRAP
UP.
HI, JESSE.
>> TELL US ABOUT THE FRIAR'S
COMEDY CLUB FILM FESTIVAL.
>> IT IS CALLED THE
BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING
PANTS AND YOU HELP SET IT UP
BY THE WAY.
YOU GOT A LOT OF OPENING ACTS
APPRECIATE THAT.
THAT WILL BE AT THE FRIAR'S
FESTIVAL ON APRIL 6th.
PLEASE GO.
GO.
>> JEDEDIAH, WHERE CAN OUR
VIEWERS CATCH YOU TOMORROW?
>> FNC SOMETIME BETWEEN 9:00
AND 11:00 I THINK.
CHECK TWITTER AND I WILL KEEP
YOU POSTED.
>> SWEET.
DAN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
>> I WILL BE A WEEK FROM
SATURDAY AT THE PRESTIGIOUS
JERSEY CITY COMEDY FESTIVAL.
>> IT IS PRESTIGIOUS.
>> BACK TO YOU, GREG.
>> WHERE IN JERSEY?
>> JERSEY CITY.
>> ARE YOU NOT EVEN GOING TO
SAY THE NAME OF THE PLACE?
>> IT IS JUST -- TWITTER?
IT IS ON TWITTER.
>> THESE PEOPLE JUST DON'T
KNOW HOW TO PROMOTE.
JEDEDIAH, SCHULZ, GAVIN,
JESSE, THAT DOES IT FORE MOO.
I AM GREG GUTFELD.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.