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My name is Tabitha, I'm 28 years old.
I think I first realized I had a problem with addiction when I was about 11 years old. In
the hospital, they kept telling me I had a problem. And then later, at 13 I went into
a group home and started meeting with Kathy and it become glaring obvious that I had an
addiction issue.
I was 16. I had just given birth to a baby girl who didn't make it. It was as a result
of my addiction. So I had to bury my daughter and I didn't ever want to be faced with anything
like that again.
I went to treatment, multiple treatment centres. Trying to grab onto something that gave me
a purpose to stay clean. To try.
I wasn't successful the first multiple times. I went to 7 different treatment centres, I
went to meetings, changed support networks, changed habits I tried to control on my own,
thinking that somehow if I only got high on weekends, or only did 1 drug as opposed to
another I could manage it. It took me about 2 years to actually get a grip.
If I don't take care of me, I'm going back where I came from and everything I have in
my life will go with it. I think I was told a lot when I came in and when I was seeking
help that if I put everything I had into it and I gave it an honest shot, and I decided
I didn't like it or it wasn't for me, I can gladly have my misery back. And I had nothing
left to lose, I had everything to gain by at least trying.
I don't know necessarily that I was aware. I mean I knew I had an addiction problem,
but I do think I believed that I was the only one affected. And I was so stuck in my own
self centeredness that I thought nobody really noticed, nobody really cared. Looking back
at it now, I question how I ever thought that. I mean my family couldn't take being around
me because of what I was doing. My friends were in constant pain because of the actions
I was taking towards them. I was affecting society by the laws I was breaking, and I
was affecting everyone around me. I just think my addiction was all I really cared about
and I needed the drugs more then I needed protect anybody from me.
How does it feel? It's an amazing feeling. I still have moments where I'm act out on
different thing or my addiction chases me down. But I am present in my life today. I
enjoy my life today. The good, the bad and everything in between. I feel my feelings
and I experience my life around me. I'm not longer just walking through life going through
the motions expecting somebody else to fix it for me. I'm moving forward in my life and
I'm accomplishing things. And I love myself today, and that's a huge difference.