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IN TEHRAN, IRAN.
AT THE AGE OF THREE MY PARENTS
DECIDED TO TAKE A SHIFT
OF THINGS AND WE MOVED
TO SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.
I THINK IT WAS
FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS.
AND FROM THAT TIME
WE MOVED OVER TO FRESNO,
CALIFORNIA.
IT WAS DIFFERENT GROWING UP
IN A NOMINAL MUSLIM HOUSEHOLD.
I REMEMBER EVEN FROM A YOUNG AGE
HAVING A QURAN, KISSING IT,
PUTTING IT UNDERNEATH MY PILLOW,
AND GOING TO SLEEP.
THAT WAS MY IMAGE
AND MY PERCEPTION OF GOD,
WHO HE WAS.
I REMEMBER WE WERE
JUST SEARCHING, MY PARENTS
WENT TO A MORMON CHURCH
FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS
AND I WENT WITH THEM.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE FROM ISLAM
TO MORMONISM, IT'S LIKE, OH GOD,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S NEXT?
AND STILL PROBLEMS
WEREN'T FIXED.
I WAS STRUGGLING
WITH DEPRESSION, MY OLDER SISTER
WASN'T IN THE HOUSE HARDLY EVER.
AT THAT TIME WHEN THINGS
WERE JUST, LIKE,
KIND OF UNBEARABLE FOR ME,
I STARTED GOING
TO A PSYCHIATRIST,
TAKING DEPRESSION MEDICATIONS.
IT WAS JUST HARD,
IT WAS DIFFICULT AND I REMEMBER,
LIKE, NIGHTS THAT I WOULD
SIT DOWN IN MY ROOM WITH, LIKE,
A KNIFE IN THERE AND JUST
WANTING TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE
SO BAD BUT JUST NEVER
GETTING THE GUTS OR GETTING UP
THE COURAGE TO DO IT.
HIGH SCHOOL HITS,
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT,
JUST JUMPED IN HEAD FIRST
AND FRESHMAN YEAR
WE WERE INVITED TO A CAMP
OF SOME SORT
BY SOME FAMILY FRIENDS
AND ME AND MY MOTHER WENT UP.
THE SECOND NIGHT OF THE CAMP
I HEAR SOME MUSIC PLAYING
IN AN AUDITORIUM AND I WALK IN
AND I SEE THESE PEOPLE, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, THEIR HANDS LIFTED UP
AND SCREAMING AND SHOUTING
AND I JUST STARTED CRYING.
AND I REALLY CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY,
I'M LIKE, "WHY AM I CRYING?"
LIKE, "WHAT'S GOING ON?"
AND THE PASTOR COMES OVER TO ME,
HE'S LIKE,
"DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE CRYING?"
I'M LIKE, "NO."
LIKE, "WHY AM I CRYING?"
AND HE'S LIKE,
"GOD IS TRYING TO TALK TO YOU."
AND SO HE PRAYED WITH ME
AND THAT NIGHT I PRAYED
TO HAVE JESUS, YOU KNOW,
BE MY LORD AND BE MY SAVIOR.
AFTER THAT I BEGAN MY JOURNEY
OF HIGH SCHOOL
AND LIKE ANY HIGH SCHOOL KID,
YOU KNOW, I JUST WANTED
TO BE ACCEPTED,
I WANTED TO BE POPULAR,
I WANTED TO HAVE FRIENDS,
AND SO THAT'S WHAT I WENT AFTER.
AND IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD
BECAUSE I WAS GOING AFTER BOTH
AT THE SAME TIME.
LIKE I HAD MY GOD ON THE SIDE
AND THEN I HAD FRIENDS
AND GRADUATED.
NO MORE TEMPTATION, YOU KNOW,
I CAN FINALLY RELAX A LITTLE BIT
AND THAT WAS, LIKE, PROBABLY
ONE OF THE DUMBEST THINGS
I EVER DID BECAUSE I HIT COLLEGE
AND THERE IT WAS ALL OVER AGAIN.
IT TOOK ANOTHER WAKE UP CALL
FROM GOD TO GET MY ATTENTION
AGAIN, EXCEPT IT DIDN'T
TAKE AS LONG THIS TIME.
I THINK IT WAS A FRIDAY NIGHT,
ME AND MY BEST FRIEND
WERE DRIVING BACK HOME AND I WAS
RACING SOME GUY ON THE FREEWAY.
I LOOKED IN FRONT OF ME,
I'M ABOUT TO REAR END THE VAN
IN FRONT OF ME,
SLAM ON THE BREAKS,
TURN TO SWITCH LANES, AND MY CAR
JUST DOES THREE COMPLETE SPINS
OUT ON THE FREEWAY,
IT DOES ANOTHER HALF SPIN,
STARTS SKIDDING BACKWARDS,
FINISHES ITS SPIN, AND, LIKE,
SLAMS INTO THE SIDE
OF THE MOUNTAIN
AND I'M JUST SITTING THERE
TRYING TO TURN THE CAR
BACK ON AND I WAS SCARED.
I WAS TERRIFIED OF,
LIKE, MY LIFE,
I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY LIFE.
MY FRIEND DIDN'T HAVE
A SEATBELT ON AND HE'S LIKE,
"GOD SAVED US FOR A REASON."
AND I KNOW HE DID.
AND IT WAS AT THAT POINT
I DECIDED TO GET SERIOUS
AND I TALKED TO MY PASTOR,
I'M, LIKE, I WANT TO GET MY LIFE
SERIOUS WITH THE LORD.
I WANT TO, LIKE,
WALK SERIOUS WITH GOD.
I DON'T WANT TO BE TWO FACED,
I DON'T WANT TO BE FAKE.