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In this video I talk about fair fighting agreements — what they are and
how they can create greater calm, connection
and enjoyment in your relationships.
Have you ever gotten into an argument with a loved one and regretted what you said
or did after the fact? Are you frustrated with the level volatility in your
relationship at times
or conversely are you avoiding conflict at all costs?
Conflict can actually help us to deepen our understanding
and connection with others when done fairly.
It allows us to understand what's important to the other person,
what's important to us and gives us an opportunity to express ourselves so that
there can be greater understanding,
care and ultimately compromise. How do you create fair fighting agreements?
I recommend that you schedule a time with your partner when you both are in a
calm
and generally a good place, not in the midst of a fight,
and either start with a list that I've created or come up with your own
individually or collaboratively as a couple.
You can start with what makes you feel safe
and connected while in conflict. It's also important to be mindful of the
other person's cultural background
and family norms. I've created a list of fair fighting agreements so
let's start with what not to do.
Number one is both obvious and essential.
For relationships to feel safe and healthy
there needs to be no actual or perceived threat
of physical violence, damaging property, verbal assaults,
or any other kind of intimidating behavior.
Number two is avoid any "below the belt tactics" including shaming,
blaming, diagnosing, interrogating and dictating.
We can get lost in these kind of power struggles and end up doing way too much
damage.
Number three is to not threatened to end the relationship
unless you intend to do so, especially when in conflict.
If you're using the threat as a manipulation to
hurt the other person or regain power.
it can actually damage the relationship stability.
Number four is to not use a silent treatment or cold withdrawal to
manipulate the other person or to express your anger or hurt.
It's okay to take a break and let the other person know that you need one
and when you'll come back to the discussion from our less defensive
and a less attacking place. Number five is not to bring up multiple ways that
this person has harmed you in the past
just to assert your power or win an argument.
Now let's talk about what TO do. Number six
is to use true "I statements." This may sound a little corny but I can't
overstate how hopeful this is
because it allows us to own our own feelings and thoughts and reactions,
instead of placing the blame on someone else. Of course they have impact
but someone else in the same situation might have had a very different response
and reaction.
Number seven is to be specific with your needs
and to make requests not demands. Nobody likes to be told what to do or to guess as
to what someone wants
and then disappointing them. Number 8 is to stick to one issue at a time,
the one that's most important, so we get our main point across
and don't overwhelm the listener. Number nine is to say what you mean and
mean what you say.
In other words, communicate directly and succinctly what you need to
and what's genuinely true for you. Don't hint around it
and don't say something that's not true just because you want a particular
reaction.
And lastly, number ten is to take responsibility for your part
in the conflict. Someone needs to begin so don't create a stalemate waiting
for the other person to do so.
Apologizing isn't taking 100 percent
responsibility for the conflict, it's just about taking 100 percent
responsibility for your part
in the conflict. Sometimes it's about acknowledging our
impact, even if we didn't intend that impact,
and apologizing can sometimes include
acknowledging what we did, apologizing for it,
committing to not doing it again, making amends and
making sure that we don't repeat the offense.
From a place of mindfulness and compassion ask yourself the question,
"What are fair fighting agreements that would help me feel safe
and connected in my relationship?" If you'd like, go check out the handout that I
created for this video
at www.LivingMoreFully.com