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Large coffee to go
, please, Black,
Didn't get much sleep
last night at Ronee's,
Don't ask why, 'cause
there are certain things
a gentleman doesn't tell,
Ah,
(lecherous chuckle
)
Dad, please,
Well, all right,
I'll tell you just a little,
She's got this massage oil
...
Would you stop it?
I do not want to hear
about your dirty weekend,
especially since the most
*** experience I've h
ad
in six months was last week'
s trouser fitting,
Oh, Niles,
Hi, Nile
s,
The GAP, Niles?
I didn't know you shopped there,
I just discovered it,
Apparently,
there are a number of them,
And what did you get there
?
.
Oh, uh,,, well, let's see,
Uh,,, some wineglasses
and a bud vase,,,
That's Pottery Barn,
you ***!
Give me that,
Just as I thought,
You bought
the Diego sweater,
What's
the big de
al?
It's just a sweater,
It is not
just a sweater,
It is a work of art
by Spain's fabled
master weaver Diego,
who uses only
the soft chin hairs
of Andalusian mountain goats
.
Our sweater man could
only get one this year,
Niles and I made a pact that
neither of us would buy it,
You can't even keep
a simple sweater pact!
Ah, Ronee-
- there'sa gal
who can keep
a sweater packed,
Stop that,
The least you can do
is let me borrow it sometime,
Absolutely not, You know Diego'?
weave conforms precisely
to the contours of one's body,
Five minutes on you, I'd neverbe
able to wear it again,
DAPHNE
: Hello,
Oh, hi, Daph,
Hey, Daph,
Hi, Daphne,
Not a word about this,
We're saving money for
the baby's college fund,
She'd kill me if she found out
I spent half a semester
on a sweater,
You want
this? Yeah,
I'm leaving,
Where have you been?
You missed your massage this weekend,
That's what
she thinks,
Just go!
Have a seat,
May I have a coffee?
Oh, No biscotti?
No, I baked me own,
I decided $1, 50 was way too much
to spend on a cookie,
?
.
Anyone
Oh, Thank you,
my angel of thrift,
Oh, hi, RoZ,
Good morning,
Maybe yours was,
I just spent the last
two hours waiting in line
for this kiddie performer
that Alice loves, Nanny G,
and the second I got to the window,
the show sold out,
Nanny G? Frasier
might be able
to pull a few strings for you there,
You know Nanny G?
What did you,
like, date her?
Actually, I married her,
You married Nanny G?
Yeah, Well, briefly,
It was years ago,
I was a callow, dreamy-eyed
youth, and she was,,,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need tickets.
She's at Kidbooks right now
signing her new CD,
If you come with me,,,
All right,
all right,
I'll see what I can do,
Thank you,
Oh, and could you turn
the heat up in here?
It's freeZing,
Oh, Niles has a sweater,
Oh, and it's from
the GAP, Good boy,
Now, help me stretch
the neck out,
I don't want
to muss me hair,
Thank you, Nanny G,
So what was it like
being married to Nanny G?
Oh, gosh, We weree,
so young and immatur
We'd have huge fights
over nothing,
But in the bedroom,,,
Uh, Frasier,,,
Oh, sorry,
So, um,,, Nanny G
gave you nice "hugs"?
Oh, big hugs,
No kiddin'?
.
We used to hug
our brains out
In fact, you know,
the last time
we saw each other,
she wanted to have
a little reunion hug,
But, alas,
I was stillmarried to Lilith
and settling for
my weekly handshake,
So, you're hoping
for another hug?
Oh, the thought
had crossed my mind, you know
We used to have
this wild attraction
to each other,
It was almost combustible,
Truth be told,
while
it's been a
since I, uh,,,
romped with abandon
through the perfumed
gardens of Eros,
Next time you say something
like that, covermyears,
And who is this for?
Frasier,
F-R-A,,,
Frasier! Oh!
It's so good to see you again!
And you--
you look great,
I've never seen such col
or in your cheeks,
Oh, this isn't Lilith,
This is my coworker, RoZ,
and her daughter, Alice,
Hey, Alice,
How old are you?
now,
I'm divorced
Five,
Wow, Five!
Single again,
You know what happens
when you turn six?
You grow an extra finger,
Footloose, fancy free,
She's not biting,
Just get the tickets,
All right,
You know,
Nanette, Alice
was so hoping
to see your show,
but, alas,
all the tickets are sold,
Well, I think
I can scare up three seats,
if you don't mind sitting
in the front row,
Thank you, Nanny G!
Can I have everyone's attention?
Nanny G has to go
to the theater now,
so no more autographs,
Gosh, I'm sorry, But maybe
we have time for one more thing.
Would you like
to hear a song?
(kids cheering)
Does everyone know
"The Peek-a-Boo Song?
Yeah!
Well, then, you
know what to do!
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
Someone's there,
but, oh, my gosh
I don't know who
Is it you?
KIDS:
Peek-a-boo
Give a clue
Peek-a-boo
Guess I better go
and sneak a peek-a-boo
ALL:
Peek-a-boo
That was great!
.
so I want everyone
to cover your eyes
Ah-ah-ah! I said everyone,
KIDS:
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
?
.
Someone's there?
But, oh, my gosh,
I don't know who
Is it you?
Peek-a-boo
Here's a clue
Peek-a-boo
Guess I better go
and sneak a peek-a-boo
Peek-a-boo
One more time!
Oh, hi, you guys,
Hey,
I'm glad
you're both here,
Guess who's coming by
for a drink,
Nanette GuZman,
Nanny G,
I don't suppose
she's brink,
ging her checkboo
Oh, dear God, Dad,
will you let it go?
I was still paying
for that wedding
six months
after you two divorced,
Nanette didn't have any family
so she got off scot-free,
Oh, yeah, orphans get
all the breaks,
Hey, Frasier, Dad and Ronee
are joining us for dinner,
Why don't you two
come along?
Well, actually, Niles,
I'm planning
a bit of an intimate
evening myself,
Really?
me,
She wants
Are you sure?
You said that last week
about the cable lady, and she
just had something in her eye,
She hit on me
in the children's bookstore
where I bought her CD,
Trust me, the woman
is a *** volcano
about to erupt,
NILES:
Judging from some
of these song titles,
you may be right,
"Nanny's Messy Bed",,,
"I Feel Something Great
Inside Me",,,
"Banisters Are Fun, "
h,
Hey,
Hey, Dap
My sweater--
weren't you wearing it
when you went out?
Yeah, but Eddie was pulling me
along so fast
I started sweating
like a blacksmith,
I could smell the lamb curry
I had for lunch just wafting
out my pores,
But don't worry--
it's right here,
Oh, great,
That was me
last butterscotch,
Now it's all fuZZy,
(doorbell rings)
That'll be Nanette,
Nanette,
God, I could throw you down
on this floor right now
and,,, Hi!
Hello,
Here, let me
take your, uh,,,
Isn't she?
the children's entertainer
Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants,
Nanette, you remember my dad,
of course, and-and Niles,
And this
is his wife, Daphne,
Hello, It's nice
to meet you,
Oh, it's nice
to meet you, too,
Oh, I don't think I've seen
since the wedding,
Oh, I remember that day,
All those nice
friends of yours came,
What was it, 60, 70?
It's okay, Dad,
I know because
only 50 RSVP'ed,
FRASIER:
It's all right,,,
You know, sadly, this bunch
is going out this evening,
so it'll just be
the two of us,
(knocking)
Hey,
.
And Donald
Donald?
Put 'er there,
Don Burwell,
Frasier Crane, uh,,,
,
NANNY G :
Donald here does, well
just about everything
for me,
He's my manager,
producer, songwriter,
publicist,,,
Husband,
I was getting there,
And when I told him where I was going, well,
he just had to come along
to meet you,
FRASIER:
Well, uh,,,
Gosh, w-who wants wine?
I know I do,
I'll help, Donald,
introduce yourself
Hello, Donald,
Just when were you
planning on telling me you have a husband?
He produces my show,
It's a marriage
of convenience,
Not at the moment, it's not,
Come on, give Nanny
some sugar,
Stop-stop it, stop it,
.
Donald will see us
We'll say that you're short
on something
and send him to the store--
he's good at errands,
I'm not going to
send him on an errand,
He's your husband,
It's just business,
It's nothing
like what we had,
Do you remember the passion,,,
and the wildness?
Well, we are running
low on cornichons,
Not only did we break house records in Boise
and Topeka, but she hasn'?
missed a show,
She just,,, she lives
to entertain children,
Of all ages,
Don, come out and look
at the balcony,
Dear God!
Have we lost our minds ?
Frasier, if you knew
how bored I am
being Nanny G,,,
how trapped I feel,
You have a wonderful career,
But nothing ever changes,
Do you have any idea
what it's like
to play the same character
for 20 years?
But,,, you've brought joy to-to countless
small children,
Yeah, well,,,
there are times
you want to bring joy
to somebody big enough
to throw a little back at you,
Stop-stop it!
Who wants wine?
Oh, that'll cool her
right down,
Uh, none for us,
We really have to go,
Yeah, Uh, nice
to meet you, Donald,
and, uh, Fras, see
you in a few hours
So, looks like
a threesome tonight,
Maybe I'll just stay
at Ronee's,
Yes, well, uh,,,
)
(clears throat
Here we all are,
(chuckling)
(phone rings, playing
"Peek-a-boo")
Hello,
Ar-Are you sure?
Mr, Bunny's using again,
Do you have anyone
to replace him?
Donald, we a
re guests here,
Take that outside,
HonestIy,
.
The man has no manners
Cut that out!
I can't help myself,
I've never stopped
thinking about you
Nor I you, but
this is wrong,
Oh, Frasier,
you're so good,
You always do
the right thing,
I have the exact
same problem,
(panting)
Well, you're making
great strides overcoming it,
Well, I'm tired of being good,
I've sung my songs
and cheered people up,
Haven't I earned the right
to be a little bad?
Isn't there a part of you
that wants to be bad?
Yes, and three guesses
which one,
I-I,,, I can't do it,
Come to my dressing room
after the show tomorrow,
I have an hour
when Donald's busy,
..
I know an hour's not much,
Trust me, an hour's
more than ample,
Shh, Shh,
Well, I just hope he
shows up tomorrow,
That bunny suit is jus
t so darn tight on me,
Donald, you know,
you really must try
one of these Gruyre tarts,
Oh, no, thanks,
I'm watching
the old cholesterol,
NANETTE:
So am I, but you know what?
I just feel like
being bad tonight,
What about you,
Frasier?
Are you going
to be bad?
DONALD:
Ah, go on,
What's one little tart?
Mmm, Well, it
shows its face
?
.
What was t
hat last night
Relax, relax,
Nothing happened,
My problem now is that,,,
she's invited me
to her dressing room
for an aprs-show tryst,
You're not going?
Well,,,
Frasier,
Niles, if you had
any idea
how much pain she's in,
The woman is
reaching out to me
to rescue her
from a loveless marriage,
from,,, from a career
she feels trapped in,
If I could help her
make a new beginning,
wouldn't it be heartless
of me to deny myself to her?
Did you say something?
hear,
Your *** was talking
so loud, I couldn't
All right!
I want her and she wants me!
She's married,
Yes, well,
I married her first,
Till death us do part,
as I recall,
Now, you may not take
those vows seriously, but I do,
Will you listen to yourself?
Oh, this is more than
just sex, Niles,
This is passion, kismet,
a gift the gods bestow
on only a chosen few,
Wouldn't the real sin
be to refuse it?
Isn't that your old
second-piece-of-pie argument?
Well, maybe it is,
but I haven't had "pie"
in six months,
Frasier, you can rationaliZe
this any way you want,
but the real question is,
if you do this, can you live
with yourself afterwards?
Ready for
the concert?
.
Hey, Alice
Hi, Uncle Niles,
.
Hi
Come on, Mommy,
Let's go,
Oh, oh, oh, no hugs
for Frasier?
No,,,
No hugs for Frasier,
(knock at door)
Frasier, I thought you
were coming after the show,
No, I can't,
Well, we have ten minutes,
Let me just get rid of,,,
Donald!
Huh?
.
No, no, I can'
t do this at all
What?
Huh?
Nothing,
Just sit there,
.
God knows I'm temp
ted, but,,, this is wrong
I-I'm sorry you've
been so unhappy in you
r life lately, but,,,
If you want to talk,
we can meet later
at the coffee shop next door,
Why can't we talk now?
?
.
Don't you
have a show to do
They can't start
without me,
Here, come with me,
What is this place?
It's the prop room,
This is where I come
before every show
to fight off the emptiness
and the nausea
that comes over me,
You don't know how many time
s I've sat down here,
curled up in a ball
vomiting like a wino,
Hold me, Frasier,
I can't,
You're married,
And these shoe
s are suede,
Look, I-I realiZe that you'r
e at a crossroads right now,
and if I can help you
reach some decision,,,
,
I can't go on,
Then don'?
Make a break,
Redefine yourself,
No, I mean now, this show,
I can't go on,
What?
Cancel?
I can't go out there
and sing and dance
and pretend to be
a happy lady
when the love of my life
has just rejected me,
Oh, Nanette, I,,, I realiZe
you're upset, but-but,,,
think of little Alice
and-and the children,
Oh, let them learn now
that life is filled
with bitter disappointments,
But, Nanette,,,
Oh, make me
a happy lady, Frasier,
And then I can go on,
For the children!
Okay,
All right,
Take me, Frasier!
Yes! Yes!
Oh!
Oh, God!
How I've dreamed of this moment!
Have you?!
Are you kidding?
I dreamed of it
twice last night,
Oh, my God!
Already?
Oh, no!
I thought we
had more time,
!
.
Quick, get off the bed
Oh, dear God!
Why is the ceiling
opening up?
!
.
This is how
I make my entrance
Get off the bed!
I can't, I can't,
I'm tangled in the sheets,
Jump!
Jump? It's too high,
Aim for your clothes,
Dear God, my clothes!
Oh, hide! For God'
s sake, just hide!
(cheering)
You have got to get
out of this bed,
Can't I just hide here
until the show's over?
Trust me,
that ain't gonna work,
(cheering)
When it's time to rise
I yawn and rub my eyes
Because I'm such
a sleepyhead
But rise I do
'Cause I'm dying to see what's new
In Nanny's messy bed
There might be treats
Last week I found a piZZa
And a chimpanZee named Fred
So, kids, what say
We see what we find today
In Nanny's messy bed
There's always
something new
It's Mr, Kangaroo?
Some bunny rabbits, too
And a Panda
Psst, Panda,
Who the hell are you?
Dr, Frasier Crane,
a noted psychiatrist,
When does the bed
go back to the basement?
Fast,
What a mess, what a mess
What a messy, messy,
messy, messy bed
What a mess
Nonetheless
With all the time
I spend in it
It's nice to have
a friend in it
You have got to get
me out of here,
This thing's about
to fly up to the rafters,
Gee, I didn't know that,
having only done this show
12, 000 times,
Put this on,
You can't be serious,
Just put it on now!
Messy bed,
(cheering)
Oh, hi, boys and girls,
ALL:
Hi, Nanny G,
Well, I guess
I'd better make my bed,
You don't have
to, Nanny G,
I have a magic wand that can
make it fly away
until it's nighttime again,
AlakaZ,,,
Wait!
I think there's something in
there that I haven't found yet
(gasps)
It's the best surprise ever,
It's,,,
a new baby brother!
(laughter)
Oh, what's the matter,
little guy?
You look kind of sad,
Are you going to cry?
( whispers ) Cry,
Waa!
Oh,,,
NANETTE:
Sounds like somebody
could use some cheering up,
Let's sing him
the "Hoppity-Hop" song,
We cut "Hoppity-Hop"
in Detroit,
Put it back in,
When I'm blue
just like you
When it's not my day
I hop, hop, hoppity-hop
Hop my troubles away
Come on!
ALL:
When a bee stings my knee?
When I lose a toy
I hop, hop, hoppity-hop
And soon I'm jumping for jo
We were feeling sad
Now we're feeling snapp
We were hopping mad
Now we're hopping happy
So when you think
people stink
Let your knees just bend
And hop, hop, hoppity-hop
And watch
your grumpiness end
Hop, hop, hoppity-hop