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[Klinger] Is this stuff for sale, or are
ya just takin' your knickknacks for a walk?
Everything for sale.
Give up farm.
- Must move south to city.
- Hey, look, it's a Fuller junk man.
Do you have anything in
a dishonorable discharge, size 40 regular?
- [Klinger] Hey, is this goat for sale?
- Yes.
Need money for city.
Besides, it's so hard to find
an apartment that'll take kids.
- How much?
- Goats very valuable.
Twenty-five dollars.
Could either of you guys
loan me $25?
- What, are you crazy?
- Hey
this is an investment
in dairy futures.
You realize what people around here
would pay for fresh milk?
Come on.
Tomorrow's payday.
Twenty-five bucks for 24 hours.
All right, I'll let you have 15,
but I get the first glass.
I'll go 10
for seconds.
Here you go.
Come to papa.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna milk you
for all you're worth.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
This is gonna be a fantastic
business arrangement.
Good mornin', boys.
How're you doin', Pierce?
- Just fine, Colonel.
- I get the feeling
you haven't read the bulletin board
the last few days.
I'm waiting for the movie to come out.
Now, how do you know?
'Cause you haven't come
screaming to me.
- Why would I come screaming to you?
- Because there's a notice
that says it's your turn
to be paymaster.
- I don't wanna be paymaster!
- That's more like it.
Aw, come on.
I've already
done that once this war.
- I like a man with experience.
- Hawk, old buddy, can I have a raise?
Very funny.
I got
better things to do
than go to "l" Corps
at the crack of dawn
and then spend the rest of the day doling out
money to a pack of drooling soldiers.
And I got better things to do
than stand here and argue with you.
See you tomorrow,
doughboy.
That does it.
When this war is over, I'm going home.
Uh, Colonel
Well, what have we here?
Woolworth on wheels.
Actually, some of this stuff's not so bad.
I think Peg might like this vase.
- How much is this?
- Five dollars.
- Here, hold this, will ya?
- Yes
Five dollars, huh?
Oh, I've only got three.
Well, if that's all
you've got
I'll give you 10 for it.
Ten beats three anytime.
You got it.
Well, thanks a lot, Charles.
Oh, dear.
I, uh I seem to be
temporarily out of cash.
I'll gladly pay you
the 10 tomorrow.
Must leave today.
Three dollars in hand beats your $10.
Uh, would it be worth
staying a day for, say, $50?
- Fifty?
- Okay.
Fifty dollar
buys you one day.
Very well.
See you on the morrow.
And thank you.
Charles, what the hell is this?
You saw that I wanted that vase.
Nothing personal, Hunnicutt.
I just think it's, uh, cute.
Fresh milk here.
Spend your
fresh money on fresh milk.
Why take a powder when you can get
the real thing?
Next.
Name.
Captain Pierce.
Not my name.
Your name, Rizzo.
If you know my name,
what'd you ask me for?
[Sighs] All right.
Rizzo.
Rizzo.
Come on, Pierce!
Do you work at being slow?
- Yeah, this is taking forever.
- [Clamoring]
All right! All right.
All right.
I'm doing the best I can.
- "Rizzo, Sergeant Luther.
"
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- 162.
Here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Count that back to me.
- [Muttering]
[Clears Throat]
Five.
Ten.
Fresh milk!
Fresh milk!
Spend your fresh money
on fresh milk.
Hold on.
[Clears Throat]
- Five.
Ten.
- [Helicopters Arriving]
[Man On P.
A.
] Attention.
Attention, all personnel.
Wounded coming in.
- Time to start earning that big money.
- That's it!
Everybody who hasn't got your money,
reassemble here after O.
R.
Sign that.
Klinger, put that in the safe.
- Five.
Ten.
- Excuse me.
Okay.
Hi, there.
Is this table all right?
Or would you prefer
- something a little closer to the piano bar?
- I hope you're a good doctor.
Hey, don't worry about a thing.
When I was in
med school, I was always first in my class.
Of course, I lived right next door.
Klinger, I'll need another unit of blood.
- Right away, sir.
- Klinger, did you put the money in the safe?
I didn't wanna bother the colonel in triage.
He's the only one who knows the combination.
And no one's gonna find out.
It's Mildred's measurements.
But don't worry, sir.
I locked
all that money in a safe place.
All the flights to Rio
were booked, huh?
Metz, please.
Thank you, Margaret.
You're doing
your usual fine job.
That's the third compliment
you've given me today, Major.
As a matter of fact, that's the third compliment
you've ever given me.
Well, I must try to
remedy that in the future.
- Well, if it's money you want,
I haven't been paid yet.
- [Laughs]
Money is hardly
a problem for me.
An elective course
I once took in Oriental art
is about to pay
for itself 50-fold.
Thank you.
[Laughs]
Now I have to
pass out money
when all I really
wanna do is pass out.
All you need, sir, is a quick pick-me-up.
How about a milk shake?
Or just a nice, fresh
- moderately priced glass of Grade A
- [Rustling]
- Oh, my God!
- [Hawkeye Laughing]
Your milk machine
is having a snack.
Ah, keep laughing.
I put the money in there.
What? If that goat so much
as slobbered on that money
- What money?
- You idiot!
How could you let that goat
just walk around free?
I think the walking around
was her idea.
What was she
doing in here?
If I'd left her outside,
everybody'd just walk up and milk her.
- What am I gonna tell the colonel?
- Just tell him the truth.
Wonderful.
"Colonel Potter,
a goat ate the payroll.
"
- I don't believe it!
- I give you Exhibit A.
Sir, please don't send her
to the glue factory!
- She didn't know what she was doing.
- But you should've.
Any fool knows
a goat eats everything.
- Almost any fool.
- How many people haven't been paid besides me?
Most of them.
I was just getting started
when we got called to triage.
- So what happens now?
- Well, I'm a little rusty on procedures
for when the payroll
has been eaten by a goat.
Klinger, call "l" Corps
and check into it.
- Yes, sir.
- So, meanwhile, what am I supposed to tell
- all those people who are
still expecting to be paid?
- Just tell 'em the truth.
[Clamoring]
I knew you'd understand.
I don't wanna hear about goats.
I wanna
hear about when we're getting our money.
And it had better be
before the end of the day!
That's being looked into right now.
And I bet you
"l" Corps has that money
here first thing tomorrow.
Tomorrow doesn't
buy me beans.
[Clamoring Resumes]
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, look.
W-W-Wait a minute.
Why don't we all
have a drink on me?
[Margaret] Oh, where did you get
the money to buy us all drinks?
- [Murmuring]
- Well
by a quirk of fate,
I was the first one paid.
- What a coincidence!
- [Clamoring Resumes]
Come on.
Folks, why don't we all
talk about it over drinks?
Igor, set 'em up.
Sorry, Captain, but there's
hardly anything left.
I was waiting for payday to collect the tabs
so I could buy the new shipment.
- [Groaning, Clamoring]
- All right, I'll tell you what.
Let's all go over to my place
and have something from the still.
Free *** for everybody who promises
not to use me as a swizzle stick.
Psst.
!
Psst.
! Psst.
!
Hello, my friend.
You're right on time.
- Did you bring my little purchase?
- First, money.
Yes, of course.
Of course.
Naturally.
- There you are.
- What's this?
- This my personal check.
- I want money.
- You promised me 50 dollar.
- This is better than money.
Naturally,
I have identifications.
You should have no trouble at all cashing that
at your neighborhood liquor store.
I'm sorry.
I want real cash.
I go find man
with three bucks.
I must have
that vase.
W
Ju Just give me
a little more time.
[Clears Throat]
Forty.
Forty-five.
Fifty.
- [Clears Throat] Fifty
- Wait right here.
- [Chuckles] Rizzo, it, uh
- Hmm?
It would appear
that you've been paid.
And it would appear
that you wasn't.
Now let's see.
Now where
[Muttering]
Forty-five.
Fifty.
Rizzo, I wonder if you would
consider making me a
A loan? Oh, gee,
I never thought of it.
- All I need is
- Is 50.
Here you go.
Of course, I will have to charge you
simple interest.
Yes, of course, fine.
Now, what could that be?
Uh, four percent?
- Five?
- Hmm, well [Chuckles]
A little more simple than that.
A hundred percent.
- One hundred percent?
- Per day.
Uh, that way I don't have to
do no 'rithmetic.
I see you have cash.
Maybe you like to buy vase.
No! It's a deal.
It's a deal.
See, now everybody's happy.
[Laughs]
You clumsy oaf!
Will you watch
where you're falling?
Pierce, what're all
these people doing in here?
Some are drinking.
Some are passing out.
But none of them are killing me.
You dolt! Will you
watch what you're doing?
- Hey, no fans allowed on the field.
- [Chuckles]
You are sitting on my footlocker,
and it's time for the kickoff.
- Beat it!
- Sure, Major.
Pierce, I demand that you
drive your drinking buddies
- back to the gutter where they belong.
- Sorry, Charles.
- I'm too drunk to drive.
- Okay, everybody, listen up!
I've got great news.
You're free to go.
- Well, it's about time.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Everybody, step right
- Wait a minute.
- What're you doing? These are my guests-s-s.
- Sorry
but your half of the still is empty,
and my half just closed.
Come on, Goldman.
Hit the road.
Here you go.
Night.
Hey! Hey!
Come on.
Come on.
What's the matter?
Don't you have a bunk of
your own to sleep under?
Do us all a favor.
Pick up some mints
on the way home.
Alone at last.
Whew! This must be the tent
that made Milwaukee famous.
- Anything new on the payroll?
- Yep.
- It's gonna be held up a while longer.
- Aw, come on, Colonel.
- I can't keep these people drunk forever.
- Seems "l" Corps
wants to send an investigator
to look into the details.
Great.
Maybe we can all
borrow 10 bucks from him.
No, you won't need to.
I made arrangements
to get supplemental pay
to tide folks over until
the new payroll is issued.
Good.
Now I can send a certain
Louisiana loan shark back to the bayou.
Pierce, you're now
supplemental paymaster.
Tomorrow you'll distribute
the money in descending order of rank.
- That means colonels first.
- Wait, wait, wait.
One more thing.
Just suppose for some strange,
incomprehensible reason
the investigator doesn't believe
that a goat ate the payroll.
That's no problem.
It's all covered in the military regs.
- Yeah?
- You'll just have to pay Uncle Sam $22,000.
I don't believe it.
Believe me,
you're the first.
Major, I know this is quite
a chunk to swallow
but this man and I
have been through a lot.
And I can vouch for his honesty
and integrity.
I've got General Detweiler
breathing down my neck
about a report that's
really important.
I've worked on it for quite some time
and have to turn it in
no later than
the day after tomorrow.
And now I get sidetracked
by some ridiculous goat story.
I plan to wrap this
business up quickly
so I can meet my deadline
and keep the general off my back.
Well, we all wanna get
this settled P.
D.
Q.
, Major.
Pierce, I'm holding
in my hand a voucher
releasing $24,312 to you.
Is this your signature?
Uh, yes.
But, uh
You have issued
$1,972 in pay
leaving a grand total of
$22,340 unaccounted for.
Now, where's the money?
- I told you.
A goat ate it.
- A goat.
- A goat.
- A goat.
Just when you think
you've heard them all.
That's even better than
"I left it in my other tank.
"
It's not only entertaining,
it's also true.
- I did not steal the money.
- I don't care if you stole it or you lost it.
You signed for the money,
and the money isn't here.
You owe
the army $22,000.
Either you come up with it, or the army
will garnishee your wages
through this tour
and even into civilian life
until every
red cent is paid back.
You gotta be kidding.
I don't
have time to kid.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a report to get back to.
- Uh Oh
- Hold it, Major.
It seems to me you're putting
the noose before the gavel.
Let me ask you something.
What would've happened
if this money, say,
had been lost in a fire?
Well, we would know that it's out of circulation,
and we'd replace it with new scrip.
And Pierce would be
off the hook?
- What's the point of this?
- The point is
if money can be burned,
it can be swallowed.
And if you call yourself an investigator,
you ought to investigate that.
Yeah, right.
Thank you, Colonel.
That's all I ask.
All right.
All right,
I'll investigate.
Pierce, you're
my first witness.
Do you have any proof
the goat ate the money?
[Hawkeye On P.
A.
] And so I beg of you,
if there's anybody in camp
who actually saw the goat eat the money,
please come forward now!
How about anybody
who heard munching?
Okay, is there anybody out there
who's seen a goat
wearing expensive clothes
and planning a nice vacation?
- Cap'n Pierce!
- Hallelujah! I'm saved!
- Let's go tell the investigator right now.
- Tell him what, sir?
- That you saw the goat eat the money.
- Well, uh, no, sir.
I ain't seen a goat
since, uh
since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba
to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City.
- Then what are you doing here?
- Fighting for democracy.
- No, in this room.
- Oh.
- Oh, you mean here here.
- Yeah.
Oh, well
[Laughs]
Uh, seein' as you're about 500 months
behind in your monthly payments
I thought I might "hep" you
consolidate your debts into one very friendly loan.
Uh, as a starter, I am
willing to offer you
$100 with
simple interest.
- What good's $100 gonna do me?
- Oh, well
Uh, I thought a savvy man
like yourself
might just wave that $100
under the nose of that investigator
and let him catch
a good whiff of it.
Rizzo, I don't need
to bribe anybody.
I'm innocent!
Okay.
! Okay.
!
Just remember,
prisons are full of honest men!
Twenty, 40, 50.
- Next.
- Wait a minute.
Where's the rest of it?
That's it.
This is
just supplemental pay.
Everybody gets $50
to tide them over.
- Until when? Time is money.
- Don't ask me.
- I'm just the teller.
Next!
- The man said "next," Major.
Hello, Major.
I believe
you have something there
that is of interest to me.
Rizzo, I owe you $50,
uh, don't I?
Uh
Now we're even.
Uh, beg
beg your pardon, sir
but bein' on the dole
has made you forgetful.
This is just the interest.
You still owe me the original 50.
Unless you got it today, I'll see you tomorrow
for another $50 interest.
Now, ain't
that interestin'?
But I don't know when
I'm gonna be paid.
This could run into
"hunerds" of dollars.
Oh, you have my
deepest sympathy, Major.
And you'll have it again tomorrow
about this same time.
Uh, Father, I couldn't
help noticing
- you've got $50 there.
- Oh, how observant of you.
Right.
Since you are
a compassionate man of God
one of your prime duties
is to give comfort to the needy.
Major, are you putting
the bite on me?
Please, Father,
if I don't pay
this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today,
he's gonna bleed me dry.
I'd love to help you out, Major,
but what little money I have
and it's really not enough,
is earmarked for the orphanage.
They'll never miss it.
They're used to being poor.
But it's a real
hardship for me.
May God help you, Major,
because I won't.
Excuse me, Father.
Bein' a sentimental soul
I was touched by the orphans' predicament,
and I'd like to "hep.
"
Rizzo, why, that's
very generous of you.
I could let ya have
a "hunerd" dollars
- at my special, God-fearin' rate of 75%% .
- [Sighs]
Uh, Igor,
you have a belt
for a fellow who's
down on his luck?
Sorry, Major, the only thing I got left
is an old case of grape Nehi.
Nobody drinks it
since Radar shipped out.
Very well.
Put it in
a brandy snifter, will you?
Sure thing, pal.
- Where did you get this?
- From some peddler for two bits.
If you like it, I'm sure you could get
another one.
He's got a whole cart full.
- A A cart full?
- Yeah.
It's great for
holdin' tips.
Tip.
Hey, wait, you owe me
for the grape Nehi!
Maybe I'm blowing this
all out of proportion.
Maybe Van Zandt will interview a few people,
find out what a terrific guy I am
realize how ridiculous the whole thing is,
and let me off the hook.
- You're probably right.
- Yeah.
And maybe I'll flap my arms
and fly to the moon.
Ah, here's
the bank *** now.
- I can tell he's got good news
by the sneer on his face.
- All right, Colonel
I talked to
everybody in camp.
The only one who knows anything about the goat
eatin' the money is your company clerk here.
And all he can say is that
Pierce handed him a satchel.
Sorry, Captain, the truth
just slipped out.
I'll be informing "l" Corps
that in my judgment
Benjamin Franklin Pierce
owes the United States Army
in excess of $22,000
to be garnisheed from his military
and subsequent civilian wages.
Boy, talk about
a G.
I.
Bill.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta finish
the report for the general tonight.
Well, that's Van Zandt's
idea of justice.
A man is innocent
until railroaded.
Men, these are
desperate times
and desperate times call
for desperate measures.
Oh, great idea.
We'll bombard them with cliches.
I got an even better one.
"You can catch
a lot of flies with a little bit of honey.
"
Hmm.
- [Knocking]
- Come in.
Sorry to interrupt you, sir,
but you're wanted on the phone.
- I'm busy.
Who is it?
- It's General Detweiler's aide.
Something about that
report you're working on.
Oh, that man won't
even let me breathe.
I'd get the damn thing finished
if he'd only let me alone.
All right.
All right.
Let's go.
You come right
in here, Sergeant.
You sit in that chair right over there
and you make yourself comfortable.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Of course, of course.
There you are.
Now, a-are you comfy?
- Uh, yes, sir, I think so.
- Uh, would you like some cognac?
No, thanks.
I ain't hungry.
Right.
Now
[Clears Throat] Luther
I've brought you here
to discuss an offer
that you would be a fool,
as it were, not to accept.
- Oh, yeah?
- I've given it a lot of thought
and have come to the conclusion
that in exchange for canceling my debt
I am prepared
to part with this.
- What do I want with a pitcher?
- Well, Sergeant
this pitcher is
an incredibly valuable
and treasured vase
from the Celadon Dynasty.
Oh!
I don't care if it's from the new
Sears catalog, Major.
Just how stupid
do you think I am?
An adjective fails me.
But you see, Rizzo
No, no, no.
All I see is
is that you are trying to get out of
payin' me the money you owe me
which is $50.
No, no.
Make that
a "hunerd" dollars.
- Wait.
No, no.
Wait
- Mm-mm-mm-mmm!
I don't want
no hard-luck stories.
I don't want no
dime-store spittoons.
All I want is my money.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, gee, sir
now you ain't got
a pot to spit in.
[Klinger] Sorry about that, sir.
I don't know how I lost the call
but these phones
are always crazy over here.
- You let me know the minute they call back.
- Yes, sir, I will.
You can count on it, if they somehow
manage to get through.
[Papers Rustling]
My report!
Stop that at once!
- Heel, heel.
- She ate my report!
- What's all the racket? Is something wrong?
- Terrible tragedy, sir.
- She ate his report.
- [Hawkeye] Animal!
General Detweiler will
have my head for this.
He'll never believe his report
was eaten by a goat.
- Was it?
- Oh, that's pretty hard to believe.
I don't think you're gonna
get away with that story.
Oh, I get it.
You guys set me up.
Well, it's not
gonna work, Pierce.
I'm gonna see that you get everything
you've got coming to you and more.
Great idea.
You and I can play gin
in the stockade.
It appears to me you two can go down together
or bail each other out.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- If the goat had a previous record
as a paper-eater
which was proved by an authorized investigator,
such as yourself
and corroborated by a C.
O.
,
such as myself
then the two of you'd
be off the hook.
So what do ya say, Van Zandt?
Do we sink or swim?
One hand whitewashes the other.
It's up to you.
Okay.
Okay, you got me.
I'll clear Pierce.
But you better pray that
our paths never cross again.
I'm gonna take this goat
and show it to General Detweiler.
Uh, just make sure
you feed her.
Yeah, that shouldn't be too tough.
She eats just about anything.
Especially paper
with a little molasses on it.
[Laughs]
It was very charitable of Major Van Zandt
to expedite our new payroll.
- Well, that's the kind of guy he is.
- I want you to know, Hawkeye
I never thought
you stole the money.
Of course, some people consider me
to be rather naive.
Oh, thank you, Father.
You darn me with faint praise.
Finished.
Oh, you forget one thing, Major.
That's just the interest.
You still owe me
the original 50.
Very well.
Wonderful.
Now I'm
out of cash again.
How do you expect me to make it
through to the end of the month?
Oh, with the "hep"
of a friend.
Hi, friend.