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Hello, once again.
As usual, I must warn you all that this
year's Halloween show is very scary
and those of you with young children
may want to send them off to bed and
Oh, my.
It seems the show is so scary,
Congress won't even let us show it.
Instead they've suggested the 1947
classic Glenn Ford movie
Two Hundred Miles to Oregon.
BART: There's nothing wrong
with your television set.
Do not attempt to adjust your picture.
We are controlling the transmission.
HOMER:
What's that, boy? We're in control?
Hey, look! I can see my voice!
[LAUGHING]
[BABBLING]
[SINGING]
This is my voice on TV
BART: Dad, you're ruining the mood!
HOMER: Sorry.
BART: For the next half- hour,
we will control what you see and hear.
You are about to experience
the terror and foul horror of
The Simpsons Halloween Special.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[ALL MOANING]
Well, it was a long trip,
but we're almost there.
Homer, did you remember to lock
the front door of the house?
D'oh!
Well, it's been two long trips,
but we're finally almost there again.
When you locked the front door,
did you lock the back door?
D'oh! D'oh!
[LISA GASPS]
Oh, no! We left Grampa
back at the gas station!
What about Grampa?
- Hello!
- Hi!
- We're here!
- Oh, goody.
The sea monkeys I ordered
have arrived.
Look at them cavort and caper.
Sir, they're the new
winter caretakers for the lodge.
Yes, they work hard
and they play hard.
This house has quite a long
and colorful history.
It was built on an ancient
Indian burial ground
and was the setting of Satanic rituals,
witch burnings
and five John Denver
Christmas specials.
Oh! John Denver.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
That's odd.
Usually the blood
gets off at the second floor.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
Hey, I found a shortcut
through your hedge maze.
Why, you little
WILLIE:
No, no.
Go easy on the wee one.
His father's gonna go crazy
and chop them all into haggis.
What's haggis?
Boy, you read my thoughts!
You've got the shinning.
- You mean shining.
- Shh! You want to get sued?
Now, look, boy,
if your da goes gaga
you just use that shin of yours
to call me and I'll come a-running.
But don't be reading my mind
between 4 and 5.
That's Willie's time!
Yes, by cutting off cable TV
and the beer supply
I can ensure an honest winter's work
out of those lowlifes.
Sir, did you ever stop to think
that maybe it was doing this
that caused the previous caretakers
to go insane and *** their families?
Perhaps.
Tell you what, we come back
and everyone's slaughtered
I owe you a Coke.
[STATIC OVER TV]
Hmm.
Cable's out.
Think I'll have a beer.
Hmm.
Not a drop in the house.
What do you know.
Homer, I'm impressed.
You're taking this quite well.
I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
- Homer!
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Don't worry.
There's plenty I can do
to keep myself occupied.
Maybe I'll check out
that ax collection.
See you later.
Mom, is Dad gonna kill us?
We're just gonna have to
wait and see.
- So, what'll it be, Homer?
- Moe, give me a beer!
No.
Not unless you kill your family.
Why should I kill my family?
Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
- You don't look so happy.
- Oh, I'm happy.
I'm very happy.
La, la, la, la, la.
See? Now waste your family,
I'll give you a beer.
Homer? Homie?
What he's typed will be a window
into his madness.
"Feeling fine.
"
Wow, that's a relief.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
- This is less encouraging.
- Get out!
[SCREAMING]
Well, what do you think, Marge?
All I need is a title.
I was thinking along the lines of
No TV and No Beer Make Homer
something, something.
Go Crazy?
Don't mind if I do!
[SCREAMING AND BABBLING]
Stay away from me, Homer!
Give me the bat, Marge!
Give me the bat!
Give me the bat! Come on.
Give me the bat.
Give me the bat
[BABBLING]
Scaredy cat.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
You stay here till
you're no longer insane.
Hmm.
Chili would be good tonight.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MOE:
Homer, it's Moe.
Look, some of the ghouls and I
are a little concerned
the project isn't moving forward.
- Can't *** now.
Eating.
MOE: For crying out loud.
Come on.
- No!
Here's Johnny!
D'oh!
David Letterman!
- Hi, David.
I'm Grampa.
- D'oh!
I'm Mike Wallace.
I'm Morley Safer.
And I'm Ed Bradley.
[CLOCK TICKING]
All this and Andy Rooney
tonight on 60 Minutes!
[SCREAMING]
Hello, police, this is Marge Simpson.
MARGE [OVER RADIO]: My husband is
on a murderous rampage.
Over.
Well, thank God that's over.
I was worried there for a second.
- No answer.
- Don't worry, Mom.
I can use my shinning to call Willie.
And that was the first time
she'd ever flown a plane.
Uh-oh.
The little fat boy
and his family are in trouble.
I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
All right, loony,
show me what you got.
Is that the best you can do?
Oh, my.
I hope that rug
was Scotchgarded.
Must kill family.
[GASPING]
- had been given rifles,
but no ammunition.
- Fortunately, there was a hardware store.
LISA: Dad, look!
Television! Teacher!
Mother! Secret lover.
Urge to kill fading.
Fading.
Fading.
Rising! Fading.
Fading.
Gone.
[SIGHING]
Come, family.
Sit in the snow with Daddy
and let us all bask in television's
warm, glowing, warming glow.
MAN [ON TV]: Live from Broadway,
it's The Tony Awards.
With your hosts,
Tyne Daly and Hal Linden.
- Homer, change channel.
- Can't.
Frozen.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE SINGING ON TV]
Urge to kill rising.
You know, Marge,
I've had my share of troubles.
But sitting here now
with you and the kids
in our cozy home in this beautiful,
free country
it just makes me feel
that I'm really a lucky guy.
Dad, your hand is jammed
in the toaster!
- What?
BART: Dad!
[SCREAMING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off of me!
[SIGHING]
Dad, it's in there again!
[SCREAMING]
No! It's stuck on my hand.
This shouldn't be too hard to fix,
with the right tools.
There.
Better than new.
[BEEPING]
Now, to take her for a test toast.
What the?
[SCREAMING]
[CLOCKS TICKING]
Look at that.
I'm the first non-Brazilian person
to travel backwards through time.
Correction, Homer.
You're the second.
- That's right, Mr.
Peabody.
- Quiet, you.
[GASPS]
HOMER: I've gone back to the time when
dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
[DINOSAUR SQUAWKING]
Okay, don't panic.
Remember the advice your father
gave you on your wedding day.
If you ever travel back in time,
don't step on anything.
Because even the tiniest change
can alter the future
in ways you can't imagine.
Fine.
As long as I stand perfectly still
and don't touch anything
I won't destroy the future.
[BUZZING]
Stupid bug! You go squish now!
[GASPS]
That was just one little
insignificant mosquito.
That can't change the future, right?
Right?
[GRUMBLES UNCERTAINLY]
Phew.
I'm back.
Aw, my loving family.
Nothing's changed.
[BEEPING]
Hidilly- ho, slave- a- reenos.
ALL:
Okilly-dokilly.
Hey, what the hell is that geek
Flanders doing on TV?
[ALARM WAILING]
I see by the big board we got
a Negative Nelly in sector two.
I'm gonna have to ask
the whole family to kind of freeze
and prepare for re- Neducation.
Don't you remember?
Flanders is the unquestioned lord
and master of the world.
- D'oh!
[RUMBLING]
Okay, everybody.
Let's see some big smiles.
Just relax.
Let the hooks do their work.
What the hell are you smiling at?
Oh.
Now, in case all that smiling
didn 't cheer you up
there's one thing that never fails:
A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap,
and a total frontal lobotomy.
It's not so bad, Homer.
They go in through your nose
and they let you keep
the piece of brain they cut out.
Look.
Ooh, hello.
Hello there.
Who's that big man there?
Who's that?
- Join us, Father.
- Join us, Father.
It's bliss.
No!
[ALARM WAILING]
[DOGS GROWLING]
Oh, no.
They're gaining on me.
Wait! I have an idea!
These wieners will give me
the quick energy I need to escape!
I gotta go back, fix future.
This time I'm not gonna touch a thing.
[ROARING]
[SCREAMING]
Mustn't crush.
Mustn't kill.
Made it.
Oh.
I wish, I wish
I hadn 't killed that fish
Hey, where is everybody?
Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad.
- Let's kill it.
- Okay.
[SCREAMS]
[PANTING]
[ROARING]
[SNEEZES]
[SNEEZES]
This is gonna cost me.
D'oh! I mean, hey.
Good morning, Father, dear.
Hope you're well.
Are we taking the Lexus to
Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Fabulous house, well-behaved kids,
sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan
Whoo-hoo!
I hit the jackpot!
Marge, dear, would you
kindly pass me a doughnut?
Doughnut? What's a doughnut?
[SCREAMING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
It's raining again.
You're still not in
your own world, Homer.
I can get you home,
but you have to do exactly as l
[SCREAMS]
[IN DEEP VOICE]
This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Don't touch anything?
I'll touch whatever I feel like!
[SHOUTING]
Foolish earthling, totally unprepared
for the effects of time travel.
[LAUGHING]
- What happened to us, Kodos?
- Quiet, you.
[PANTING]
- Good morning.
- What's my name?
What color is the sky?
What of doughnuts? What?
For the love of God, tell me!
Homer, the sky is blue, doughnuts are
plentiful, Friday is TGIF night on ABC.
- What's gotten into you?
- Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Let's just eat.
Eh, close enough.
[KIDS SHOUTING]
[WHISTLES]
Hey, everybody!
Let's all turn our desks backwards
before Mrs.
Krabappel shows up.
- Yeah!
- Great idea!
[LAUGHING]
All right, backwards boy,
back your butt down to detention.
Over here, Simpson.
The detention room is overcrowded,
so you'll be serving in the cafeteria.
Oxygen running out.
You should've thought of that
before you made that paper airplane.
This overcrowding in detention
is becoming critical.
It's a powder keg waiting to go off
in an explosion of bad behavior.
Don't *** to me, boss man.
Thanks to the latest budget cuts,
I'm down to using Grade F meat.
It would be wonderful if there was a
common solution to both our problems.
- That would be great.
- Hey, Bart.
Watch this.
Oh, no! My favorite outfit!
Jimbo, this is by far the worst
Mmm.
Mmm.
Jimbo, why don't you assist
Lunchlady Doris in the kitchen?
- Bite me, Skinner.
- Well, might we.
JIMBO: It's hard for me
to clean this giant pot
when you keep spilling
meat tenderizer all over me.
Oh, great!
Now I gotta work in the dark.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This sandwich tastes
so young and impudent.
Seymour, what's with the good grub?
Well, perhaps I ought to
let you folks in on a secret.
You remember me telling Jimbo Jones
that I'd make something of him one day?
Are you saying you killed Jimbo
processed his carcass,
and served him for lunch?
[LAUGHS]
Hmm.
I wonder where Jimbo is today.
He should've beaten us up
for our lunch money an hour ago.
Frau Lunchlady, please to have
another Sloppy Jimbo?
[SPEAKS GERMAN]
That's your third helping, young man.
It's making you fat and soft
and tender.
You just cut in line, didn't you?
- Report to detention, Uter.
- For how long?
About seven minutes a pound
should do it.
Okay, I got your German grub right here.
Bart, does it strike you as odd
that Uter disappeared
and suddenly they're serving us this
mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Oh, relax, kids.
I've got a gut feeling
Uter's around here somewhere.
[CHUCKLING]
After all, isn't there
a little Uter in all of us?
In fact, you might even say
we just ate Uter
and he's in our stomachs
right now!
Wait, scratch that one.
Mom! Mom! You've gotta help!
They're cooking kids
in the school cafeteria!
Listen, kids,
you're 8 and 10 years old now.
- I can't fight all your battles for you.
- But, Mom!
No buts.
You march
right back to that school
Iook them straight in the eye
and say, "Don't eat me.
"
- Okay.
- Okay.
Since so many students have been
put on permanent detention
[HICCUPING]
we've merged everyone
into a single class.
I trust there are no objections?
Detention.
Psst.
[WHISPERING] Hey, you guys, I was just
thinking that any one of us could be next.
So, what do you say
we make a break for it?
[GASPS]
Easy there, young man.
You'll only
make yourself tired and stringy.
Now to check on
the free-range children.
Hold on, kids!
I'm coming to rescue
the lot of you! I'll
Ow! I'm bad at this.
I'm going to enjoy devouring you,
Bart Simpson.
Yes, I believe I'll start
as you've so often suggested
by eating your shorts.
Don't worry, guys.
Something
always comes along to save us.
Nevertheless, I remain confident
that something will come along
and save the two Simpson children.
[SCREAMING]
Relax, honey.
You were just
having a crazy nightmare.
You're back with your family now,
where there's nothing to be afraid of
except that fog
that turns people inside out.
- Huh?
- Uh-oh.
It's seeping in.
Stupid, cheap weather stripping!
[SCREAMING]
ALL [SINGING]:
One chorus line of people
Dancing till they make us stop
Two!
Many dancing people
Covered with blood, gore and glop
Just one sniff of that fog
And you're inside out
It's worse than that flesh- eating virus
You've read about
Vital organs
They are what we're dressed in
The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine
Happy Halloween
[DOG GROWLING]