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Let’s get one thing straight: There are two Ghostbusters movies. The first is significantly
better than the second. There are two Ghostbusters II games. The one we got here in the states
is significantly worse than the one released in Japan and the PAL territories. This version,
developed by Kemco (of Spy Vs. Spy and Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle fame) and published by
Activision, comes off as Pitfall with slime-blowers. The other version, developed and published
by HAL Laboratory - yes, THAT HAL Laboratory, of Earthbound, Adventures of Lolo, Kirby,
Smash Bros., and Shigesato Itoi’s No. 1 Bass Fishing fame - goes with an isometric
viewpoint, almost like Dig Dug II with several doctorates and a CPA. Yes. You can play as
Louis. But that’s not the game I’m here to talk about! That game would run me about
$170 should I try to import a copy. So here’s what you get. Pitfall with more slime.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the film itself... I can’t really blame you.
NYC’s about to be overrun by a painting - yes, a painting - of Vigo the Carpathian,
also Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the poor collision detection, Vigo the Arbitrary Flying Objects,
and Vigo the THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I’VE GOTTA JUMP THE ECTO ONE ACROSS A HUGE CHASM IN CENTRAL
PARK. I don’t even. Anyway. Taking control of either a difficult-to-make-out Ghostbuster
or the Ecto-1, your task is to travel from point A to point B while getting a minimum
of slime on you. At your disposal is an unlimited supply of... well, slime, but positively-charged
slime that’s had Jackie Wilson sung to it, and the more I try to explain this the less
I’m confident in the explanation. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time or resources to go
all the way down Ivan Reitman’s “Domino Theory of Reality,” so you’ll just have
to trust me when I say that you’ve got a gun that shoots stuff and can eliminate ghosts.
Also, ghost traps, for the larger poltergeists in your path.
Interspersed with the ghosts are Ghostbusters symbols, which award the player an extra life
after 20 have been collected. And you’ll need ‘em, too, because there’s a bajillion
things out to attack you, including several Slimers, weird flying disembodied heads, clocks,
briefcases, gavels, and enough ghosts on the road to make me wonder if we’re actually
just saying “Screw New York” and heading to Threed. But while the ideas of a sewer
level and a courtroom level make sense in terms of the film’s narrative, there’s
no logic to this game’s presentation whatsoever. I was all geared up for a climactic confrontation
with the Scolari Brothers, but no. Just hop in the car, leave the legal proceedings to
Louis, and WATCH OUT FOR THAT HOLE.
If nothing else, I can say that this game’s interpretation of the Ghostbusters theme sounds
better than that of Activision’s first attempt, which isn’t saying much at all. But I’m
struggling to come up with any kind words for this thing. Maybe it’s because Ghostbusters
was such a large part of my childhood, or because we’ve since proven that, if you
actually put time and effort into it, a Ghostbusters game can be downright awesome. Especially
with Wiimote controls and that awesome tactile sensation of throwing the trap along the ground.
But this? No. Absolutely not. Why, if my hands weren't tied by the unalterable fetters of
the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forebears, reach back to
a purer, sterner justice, and have this game BURNED AT THE STAKE!