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Ooh, ham and eggs!
Thanks, kate.
Oh, no, alf,
these are for everyone.
Oh.
Ah-Choo!
Actually,
i'm in the mood
for oatmeal.
I think i'm gonna
get something
at work.
I'm gonna have to change
my shirt.
[Knocking]
Who is it?
It's mejake.
Oh, come on in,
jake.
Joy.
That's twice my appetite's
been killed.
Hey, morning,
jake kiboody.
What brings you over?
Aunt raquel and
uncle trevor have
been fighting again.
What was it about
this time?
Allow me.
Raquel thinks
trevor's a slob,
That he doesn't
appreciate her,
And some other female
paranoia nonsense.
Hey, you crawl
under people's houses,
You hear things.
Captioning made possible by
lions gate home entertainment
Jake, would you like
to join us for breakfast?
Whatcha havin'?
Green eggs and ham.
Pass.
[Knocking]
Man: hey, tanners,
it's me!
Oh, great.
Pig out-Us interrupt-Us.
Oh, g--
Come on in, trevor.
Oh, what's up?
Eh, nothing much,
and even if there was,
I'm not the kind of guy
that would burden you
with my problems.
Raquel just threw me out.
Oh, trevor, i'm sorry.
She called me a slob.
We know.
Hey,
i didn't tell 'em.
Who did?
Uh, i did.
Somehow she got
the ridiculous idea
That she doesn't love me
anymore.
So are you, uh, looking
for a place to stay, trevor?
Ow!
Uh, leg cramp.
I don't know where
i'm gonna stay.
Do you know anybody
That would kindly
put me up
for the night?
Well
Ow!
You can stay here, trevor.
Oh, well, thanks.
Heh, i'll be right back.
Come on, jake.
Help me pick my clothes
off the lawn.
Oh!
Where does that
freeloading sloth
Get off crashing
our party?
I don't know, alf.
Why don't you have
a sloth-To-Sloth talk
with him?
I can't believe it.
This makes 2 broken homes
i've come from in one year.
I'm a jinx.
Oh, it's not your fault.
They've had fights
before.
Why does
mr.
Ochmonek have
to stay here?
Yeah.
Are there
no work farms?
Are there no prisons?
Alf, try to be
a little more
sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I'm sensitive to the fact
i'm looking at another stay
In garage med.
Hide, alf.
He's coming back.
Uhh!
I really appreciate
this, kate.
Oh, don't mention it.
And don't worry.
I'm sure this'll
all blow over
In about a week or 2.
Trevor,
when you asked
If we could put you
up for the night,
We assumed you meant
for the night.
That's another thing
raquel hates about me--
I'm vague.
You can use
brian's room.
He can double up
with lynn.
No way!
I'll take that deal.
No way!
Hey, maybe you
and willie can sleep
in brian's room.
No way!
[Rock music playing]
* take a step back *
* gonna move you
nice and slow *
* don't run and hide *
* let it out *
* shout!
It's the way to go *
Good morning, trevor!
Oh, hi, kate.
Willie.
I hope my suburb blaster
didn't wake you up.
No, no.
This was me and raquel's
favorite song.
Boy, that sinatra
could sing.
That sounds like
pink floyd.
I know that, willie.
I was making
Did you get enough
to eat?
Actually no.
All i could find
was cereal.
When you guys have
a midnight snack,
You pull out
all the stops.
Oh, you didn't do this?
I did.
I had a craving
last night.
For green
pepper?
They make me drowsy.
Well, i'd offer you
a bowl of cereal,
Except i used
the last
of the milk.
I'll just
Go down to the store
and get some.
Why do that?
I'll just borrow
some from mrs.
Byrd.
Oh, there's no need
to bother her, trevor.
Eh, it's ok.
She owes me.
I lent her
your hedge clippers,
And she never
gave them back.
How inconsiderate.
Alf,
what are you doing?
Trevor will see you.
Chill out.
He's not here,
kate-Ll rustler.
He got a call saying
there was a package
for him
At the post office.
Could've been
a crank call.
You called him, didn't you?
I had to get him
out of here.
Even for an hour!
Raquel's saying stuff like
She's never gonna
take him back.
How do you know
what raquel is saying?
You crawl
under people's
Both: houses,
you hear things.
[Doorbell rings]
Alf
What?
You know what.
Yeah, willie,
i know what.
But if i have to do it,
The least you could do
is say it.
Go to the kitchen.
Thank you.
Boy, have i got him trained.
[Knocking]
kate? Willie?
Oh, raquel, this is
a pleasant surprise.
I hope this means that--
Yeah, don't get
your hopes up,
willie.
This is more
of trevor's things.
Jake?
Yo.
Just drop it anywhere.
[Sighs]
Oh, that moose head
seems awfully final.
It is final.
I saw trevor
sneaking out
Of the widow byrd's
house this morning.
He couldn't even
wait one day
Before he started
slumming it.
That--No.
He was--He was at
the widow byrd's
to borrow milk.
Raquel, hi.
What's going on?
Moose head.
Oh, no.
Raquel saw trevor
at mrs.
Byrd's.
It isn't enough
that he's having
a sordid affair,
But he has to have
it out in the open
where anybody
With a decent pair
of binoculars
can see.
Raquel,
he just went over there
to borrow some milk.
Well, since
you've obviously
taken his side,
You can keep him.
Come on, jake.
You're the man
of the house now.
Hey, does this mean
i get to watch sports
in my underwear?
Hey, why didn't
you guys tell me
We were having moose
tonight?
I wouldn't have ruined
my appetite.
Oh, lord.
Please tell us why
You continue to place
such ordinary people
In such extraordinary
situations.
[Alf burps]
Never mind.
Hello, mr.
Littwhack?
Uh, did you know
that the ochmoneks
are splitsville?
Well, i care.
Quick question.
Can you put trevor up
for a week?
How about a night?
Well, when is it scheduled
to freeze over?
[Knocking]
Thank you very much
for humiliating me
In front of the entire
neighborhood.
What do you mean,
raquel?
Calling everybody
about trevor and me.
Just because
i occasionally make
Other people's business
my business
Doesn't mean
my business is any
of their business,
So would you mind
minding your own
business?
Well, i certainly
didn't tell anyone.
I know kate wouldn't
tell anyone.
You didn't tell
anyone, did you,
kate?
Of course not.
Kate didn't tell
anyone.
Well, somebody told
the metcalfs,
The polmanskis,
the montenegros,
The gans,
the lustacuffs,
The metgers,
the fetgers,
The schmitzkys,
the kipkys,
The feins, the steins,
The limbecks,
the willards,
The logans, the hogans,
and the kogans.
So the next time
That you want to drag
somebody's dirty laundry
Through
the suburban mud,
Try your own.
Or better yet,
mrs.
Holbuts.
She just had a nose job,
you know.
* da da ta *
What?
Do these names ring a bell:
The metcalfs,
the polmanskis,
The montenegros,
the gans,
The luskatuffs,
the metzgers,
The fetzgers,
the schmitkys,
The kipkys, the feins,
the steins,
The limbecks,
the willards,
The hogans, the logans,
and the kogans?
What was
the question?
Before i pull every hair
out of your neck
I want to ask you something.
Did you call those people
And tell them
about trevor and raquel?
I decline to answer
on the grounds
That i need
my neck hair.
You just mind
your own business, alf!
In other words,
you disapprove
of what i've done.
Wholeheartedly.
I know that this is
an inconvenience
for all of us,
But what you're doing is
just making things worse.
You're right,
willie.
How could i have
been so blind?
You know, i've only
been thinking
of myself.
You're not just saying this
Because of that neck hair
business?
No.
No, i mean it.
I've seen the error
of my ways
And will endeavor
to do better.
Well
Thank you.
No.
Thank you,
willie.
Thank you.
Hello? Uh, i'd like
to order some flowers
For raquel ochmonek.
Willie,
Did you know that
there are 9,875 little dots
On this ceiling?
You counted them?
No, i guessed.
Trevor:
hey, tanner,
you in there?
Uh, yeah.
Just a second.
[Snapping fingers]
[Knocking]
I've had it.
I've had it.
I refuse to budge
one inch.
[Knocking]
Oh! Aah!
I suppose you think
you're clever.
What's the idea
sending these flowers
to my wife?
Oh, what's the matter,
trevor?
Don't play innocent
with me.
You thought
by not sending a card,
I wouldn't know
who they were from.
Well, wait a minute.
If there was no card,
What makes you think
they were from me?
I called the florist.
He said
they were charged
to your credit card.
Anybody
who would spend 79.
95
On another man's wife,
Plus tax and delivery,
Is looking for trouble.
There must be--
Plus tax and delivery.
There must be some mistake.
Hey, turner,
The only mistake i made
was trusting you.
If i ever catch you
near my wife again,
I'm moving out
of your house.
Is there a chance
that you heard any
of that?
Well, i've heard enough.
Does kate know
you have a thing
for raquel?
You sent those
flowers, didn't you?
Hey, i took a shot.
It obviously didn't work,
But i've got another plan
that's foolproof.
Stay out of this!
[Shouting] entire--
[Normal tone]
i'm just going now.
Uh, i'm going to try
and straighten things
out with trevor,
And when i come back,
we'll be talking
neck hair.
Hi, alf.
Hi.
We gotta find a way
to get my aunt and
uncle back together.
Too late, jake.
I can't help ya.
I promised willie
i'd stay out of it.
Fine.
Fine.
Just stand
on the sidelines
And watch me
be packed off
To live with another
bunch of itinerant
ochmoneks,
Never to be heard
from again.
Believe it or not,
Aunt raquel and
uncle trevor are
the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me
into helping you?
Is it workin'?
Sorta.
What'll it take
to put you
over the top?
Donuts.
What's your idea?
You come up with donuts,
I'll come up with the idea.
That's the deal.
Ok, now what's
the idea?
Give me another donut,
and i'll tell ya.
Tell me first.
What are we doing in
my aunt and uncle's
bedroom?
We're looking for a key
to their romantic past,
If any.
Are you sure raquel
won't be back soon?
She went to
the beauty parlor.
'Nuff said.
Hey, nice digs.
I never realized
your aunt and uncle
had so much class.
Hey, there might be
something romantic
in here.
It's aunt raquel's
jewelry box.
Aah! Turquoise alert!
Turquoise alert!
Put that away.
Ok, ok.
Just tell me what
we're looking for.
I'll tell you
when i find it.
I think i've found it.
A *** of paper?
Yeah, yeah.
This is it.
[Pound]
Raquel: jake,
are you home?
It's aunt raquel.
Look, you stay here,
I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
Leave the donuts.
Uh, maybe you better
hide, just in case.
Gotcha.
Oh, a piece of cheese.
[Whack]
Never mind.
Aunt raquel, what
happened to you?
I went to the beauty parlor.
I hope you didn't
leave a tip.
Mrs.
Byrd and i had
a slight altercation.
That *** was getting
gussied up for my husband.
Heh.
You got
in a fight with her?
Ladies do not fight.
I simply suggested that
she keep her meat hooks
off of my man.
And if the manicurist
hadn't pulled me
off her,
I might have gotten in
a few more suggestions.
Uh, aunt raquel,
where you goin'?
Upstairs to rest.
Yeah, not on
the bed, though.
Of course
on the bed.
What is the matter
with you?
Uh, nothin'.
Nothin'.
I guess
i'm just distraught.
You know, about you
and uncle trevor.
Ah!
I know it's painful,
But we have to face
the facts.
Trevor just does not
understand me.
Trevor: raquel!
Go away!
I'm coming up.
You see what i mean?
Everybody down.
What?
The terrorist.
Where's
the terrorist?
What are you
talking about?
A concerned neighbor called
And said you were being held
hostage by a terrorist.
Do you see
a terrorist in here?
Fine.
Fine.
Sue me for worrying
about ya.
Now have
a nice life.
Alf: yo.
Yo what?
Uh
Yo--Yo this,
i guess.
What is it?
It's a crumpled piece
of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that
your uncle trevor wrote
to me last year
When we renewed
our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it,
aunt raquel.
"To raquel,
"The most wonderful
woman in the world.
"You're the meaning
of my life.
"You're
the inspiration.
"You bring meaning
to my life.
"You're
the inspiration.
"I want to have you
near me.
"I want to have you
hear me saying,
No one needs you
more than i need
you.
"
You threw that away?
Don't you know how long
it took me to write that?
You didn't write that.
It's from a song
by chicago.
I mean it took me a long
time to write it down.
Do you think
i'm stupid, trevor?
I knew you didn't
write this poem.
Why didn't you call me
on it?
Because
it didn't matter.
What mattered was,
is that you gave it
to me.
Raquel, i meant every word
i stole.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to tell you
That i still love you,
raquel.
More than
arena football?
Yeah.
Oh, i should know
better than to try
to change you.
Take me back,
raquel, hmm?
I--I promise
i'll try not
to be a slob.
Although
in all fairness,
You did know
i was raised
in a barn.
[Giggling]
Whoa!
What was that?
[Stomping]
ah! Leg cramp.
Uh, why don't we all
go get uncle
trevor's stuff?
Good idea!
Raquel
I'll carry the moose head.
Whew! You can
come out now, alf.
Oh, thanks.
You're a lifesaver.
You're more than
a lifesaver.
You're a milk dud.
How'd you know about
that poem anyway?
Well, raquel was reading it
to herself last night.
You crawl
under people's houses
Both: you hear things.
Ha ha!
Alf: ah! Ha ha ha ha!