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PAM: So then he's all like "Ya
gotta go before my roommate
gets home" and I'm like "Who cares?"
and he's like...
CHERYL/CAROL: You're a moped.
How do you know?
What's it mean anyway?
Mopeds are fun, but you don't want
your buddies to see you riding one.
PAM: Ohhh...
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah.
PAM: I thought he meant
I was fuel-efficient.
I only had ten beers.
CHERYL/CAROL: Fourties?
PAM: No!
Yes. Hence the shandy.
My head feels like a bunch of monkies
fighting over a bucket of marbles.
Stick that horn in your ***!
***.
MALORY: And what time is it?
CYRIL: Well it's 9:01, but...
MALORY: And what time is late?
CYRIL: Technically 9:01, also, but I'm
sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time.
MALORY: Oh right, like the
time her ocelot was sick!
Or yesterday, when she said she had to
walk to work because there was a midget
on the train!
CYRIL: I think she said it was a dwarf...
MALORY: And I said that was her last chance!
She's fired.
I want her desk cleaned out
and a new secretary by lunch.
CYRIL: That's kinda more Pam's department...
MALORY: Who is also late!
And I just can't wait to
hear that lame excuse...
KIDNAPPER 3: Just get
her in the damn van!
KIDNAPPER 2: She's
crazy frickin strong!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah!
You fight 'em off, Cheryl!
PAM: Wh-? ! Cheryl?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yes!
That's you! You're Cheryl!
PAM: What? ! What're you...
KIDNAPPER 1: Aaaghh!
I swear to God I'm blind!
KIDNAPPER 3: C'mon, the boss is waiting!
We don't need her!
CHERYL/CAROL: Because I'm
just her stupid friend!
She's who you want!
PAM: Cheryyyyl!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yes, just keep
shouting your own name!
PAM: What're you...
CHERYL/CAROL: I'll
pray for you, Cheryl!
PAM: Goddammit, I'm not...
CHERYL/CAROL: Whew!
Well that was a close one.
Ugh. And thank Pam.
Way to drag out a kidnapping.
Now I'm late again.
Although this is a way better
excuse than the train-dwarf.
Which... ick.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
MALORY: Kidnapped.
CHERYL/CAROL: Like a huge,
sweatery Lindbergh baby.
So it's really Pam's
fault I'm late.
MALORY: Why would anyone...
ARCHER: In the world...
MALORY:... want to kidnap Pam?
CHERYL/CAROL: There's a... teeny-tiny chance
they maybe might've thought Pam was me?
LANA: How?
CHERYL/CAROL: No idea.
MALORY: Well, even if you weren't lying...
CHERYL/CAROL: The train-dwarf
was real and he looked right at
me with his dwarfy eyeballs!
MALORY: Why would anyone
want to kidnap you?
CHERYL/CAROL: Because my last name
isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4.
It's Tunt.
ARCHER: Tum again?
Oh c'mon, nothing?
MALORY: Not the Tunts.
LANA: Wait, how do
I know that name?
CHERYL/CAROL: Ever
been on a railroad?
ARCHER: Yes.
LANA: Ho-lee ***!
ARCHER: Not a big deal,
they're everywhere.
LANA: Yeah, and her
great-grandfather built 'em all!
ARCHER: Wait, what?
MALORY: Do you expect me to believe
you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah all,
whatever, five Cornelia.
MALORY And George Washington Tunt,
CHERYL/CAROL: The Tuntmore House. Yes.
I spent like, every summer
there, listening to my creepy
great-grandmother ***
about Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently slavery
was pretty awesome.
MALORY: Prove it.
ARCHER: What's to prove,
it's free labor.
MALORY: Not that! ***!
Prove you're really a Tunt.
CHERYL/CAROL Umm, I have a picture...
MALORY: You're kidding.
ARCHER: Oh my god! That's you!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yes, it's me.
Do you guys... I'm kinda freaking
out, you mind if I glue up?
MALORY: It's your house.
ARCHER: This is your house!
LANA: And right next door, is that...
that's the Roosevelt mansion!
CHERYL/CAROL Total shitbox,
they're weird.
- What the...?
- What the hell was that?
Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
ARCHER: I've never
seen an ocelot!
MALORY: Cheryl dear...
I don't know quite how to put this, but...
ARCHER: Holy ***! You guys!
Look at his little spots.
MALORY: How much are
you, ahem, worth?
CHERYL/CAROL: Well until Monday it was
liiike, I dunno, about fifty million?
LANA: Do what huh what?
ARCHER: Carol, what's his name?
CHERYL/CAROL: Babou!
- I love him.
But it should be Buyer's Remorse!
Stupid thing's sick all the time.
MALORY: What happened Monday?
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh.
My parents were murdered.
MALORY: What?!
CHERYL/CAROL: I'm kidding!
They are dead, though.
The chauffeur had a stroke
and slammed into a tree.
Funeral's probably
just wrapping up.
MALORY: Why aren't you there?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Because you said if
I was late again you'd fire me!
MALORY: Not for your parents' funeral!
CHERYL/CAROL: Well!
I don't know all your rules...
LANA: Can I... jump in?
Just kinda curious, why
do you even work at ISIS?
CHERYL/CAROL: Why do you?
LANA: I... because I'm not
worth a billion dollars!
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, me neither.
I have to split it with
my stupid brother Cecil.
MALORY: And how much
will you be splitting?
CHERYL/CAROL: It actually
is a billion dollars.
LANA: I am...
literally wet with jealousy.
CHERYL/CAROL: Jealous of what?
Being scared of kidnappers
the rest of my life?!
It was bad enough when I was
only worth fifty million!
Now it's gonna be ten times worse and...
And oh my God, I'm such a chicken!
I told them Pam was me!
LANA: Wow.
MALORY: Lana shut up.
First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine...
PAM: Who taught ya how to punch?
Yer husband?
You better just [BLEEP] kill me.
MALORY: And second of all, no one
is going to kidnap you on my watch.
You may consider ISIS
your personal bodyguard.
For, you know...
a modest retainer.
LANA: Ah.
MALORY: Still shut up.
CHERYL/CAROL: But... oh my God,
what about Pam?!
ARCHER: I dunno about Pam...
And I know even less about ocelots.
But my gut tells me you gotta
get some tree branches or a
tire swing or something in there, because
he is desperate for stuff to play with.
What're we doing?
MALORY: We're taking Cheryl back
to ISIS and locking it down
until we catch those
dastardly kidnappers.
Because we're all she has now.
ARCHER: Okay, but on the way we gotta
stop at a toy store and at least get him
a stuffed animal.
Something.
It's like Meow-schwitz in there.
POPEYE: Hm-hmm.
CYRIL: Half a billion?!
With a B?!
LANA: Followed by an illion.
CYRIL: Well that little... she owes
me thirtyseven hundred dollars!
LANA: For what?
CYRIL: What, nothing,
what're we doing?
LANA: Locking down ISIS.
Because once the kidnappers realize
they've got the wrong idiot,
they'll probably come
back for the right one.
So here. All hands on deck.
Cool.
Safety's off, Barn.
Trust me, dear.
This vault is the safest place
in the entire building.
CHERYL/CAROL: But wait... how much are
you gonna charge for ISIS to protect me?
MALORY: Well that's
based on my expenses.
Plus an administrative fee, a small
contingency fee, few odds and ends...
CHERYL/CAROL: And you're
gonna get Pam back, right?
MALORY: Right after you
sign that contract.
CHERYL/CAROL: Okaaaaayno.
First get Pam back.
MALORY: Wh-? But...
CHERYL/CAROL: And bring me some stuff to do,
it's crazy stupid boring in here.
ARCHER: Well, now you
know how Babou feels.
CHERYL/CAROL: Crepuscular?
BRETT: God! Damn it, Cyril!
CYRIL: Sorry!
CYRIL: Aw, c'mon...
LANA: Barney.
MALORY: Well now this
is just a disaster.
BRETT: Yeah ya think?!
MALORY: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Cheryl is insisting we try to get
the kidnappers to release Pam!
LANA: Weren't you...
gonna do that anyway?
MALORY: If it came up!
And will somebody answer the
damn phone once in their life?!
ARCHER: Lookin your way, Brett.
BRETT: Hello?
ARCHER: Was that so hard?
BRETT: Yes? Yeah, one sec?
Kidnappers.
LANA: Wh-? Keep 'em on the line!
ARCHER: I'm lead negotiator!
LANA: No you're not!
MALORY: And you. Take Cheryl some...
crayons, or cheese or something.
BRETT: Unghh... I'm s-so... c-coold...
GILLETTE: Brett get off the phone!
BRETT: You got it?
ARCHER: Yes! Hang up!
How long do I need
to keep him on?
GILLETTE: Two minutes.
LANA: What?!
ARCHER: What happened
to thirty seconds?!
GILLETTE: Your mother's
budget priorities!
MALORY: No, this is
all one solid piece.
Brazilian rosewood, straight from
the heart of the Amazon jungle.
Guess how many pygmies
died cutting it down.
Hint, six.
ARCHER: Small price
to pay for beauty.
Hi, Sterling Archer,
lead negotiator.
And to whom might I be speaking?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Your
worst nightmare.
ARCHER: Hi great, one sec?
LANA: What are you doing?!
ARCHER: I'll tell ya what I'm not doing,
is negotiating with a *** cyborg!
LANA: That's just a
voice modulator!
ARCHER: You don't think cyborgs
have that technology?!
I'm hanging up!
LANA: Hanging up?!
ARCHER: Lana, it's not
worth it, it's just Pam!
No, Archer, stop.
They're probably tracing us.
We don't want them coming here.
You idiots.
- This is Cheryl Tunt!
- That's what I've been trying to tell you
between this little girl's love taps.
Seriously, maybe see if your daddy
will give you a roll of nickels?
KIDNAPPER: First of all, how
are you still conscious?!
PAM: How do ya think
I paid for college?
PAM: Two sixty, two-eighty,
and jackson makes three.
And sorry about your homey.
Homeys.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: And second,
where is Cheryl Tunt?!
PAM: Well I just assume she's safe at
ISIS, laughing her skinny lying ***
off because she got me kidnapped.
CYRIL: This isn't funny Cheryl, I need
that thirty-seven hundred dollars back!
CHERYL/CAROL: Well, sorry.
That money's gone.
CYRIL: Wh-?
What do you mean it's gone?
CHERYL/CAROL: It's been an
extremely volatile year.
CYRIL: In the stock market?
CHERYL/CAROL: Sure.
CYRIL: Well, whatever, I borrowed it from
my IRA and if I don't pay it back...
CHERYL/CAROL: What're they
gonna do, kneecap you?!
CYRIL: Wh-? Not the IRA, my IRA!
And there are huge tax
implications for that!
CHERYL/CAROL: I don't
have it, dum-dum!
All my money's in like, a trust or whatever,
and I'd have to ask my gross brother!
CYRIL: So?!
CHERYL/CAROL: So he's gross.
CYRIL: Cheryl I need that money.
CHERYL/CAROL: I don't have it!
Now screw already.
I've got kidnappers
to worry about.
CYRIL: But...
LANA: Okay, here we go...
This is Agent Lana Kane.
And you are?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: About five
seconds away from shooting
your friend Pam in
her rock-like face.
LANA: Well, we obviously don't want you to...
ARCHER: Violate the First Law of Robotics.
LANA:... Shoot Pam, so what will it
take for you to release her unharmed?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: I'll trade you.
For Cheryl Tunt.
ARCHER: Tum again?
Still nothing?
MALORY: Nooo no no no no... First of all,
we don't even know if Pam is still alive...
PAM: Yeah,
I'm right here with the guy!
MALORY: And even if she were...
PAM: I am!
MALORY: That's a no-brainer!
I mean my God, Cheryl's
worth half a billion.
PAM: What?!
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Well?!
How much is this one worth?!
PAM: Oh, for... seriously?
MALORY: I'm thinking!
KIDNAPPER BOSS: You're stalling!
So you can trace the call!
GILLETTE: No you've
got tons of time.
MALORY: Oh shut up.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Hey!
What's it gonna be?
- Malory!
- Alright, I can do...
5 thousand?
PAM: What?!
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Okay, we're done here.
PAM: No no wait wait
wait, don't hang...
LANA: Five thousand?
MALORY: For Pam?
GILLETTE: I bet you spent ten tis
that on your new conference table!
MALORY: I did not!
Unless you include the funeral
expenses for those pygmies.
And I bet that sneaky little
chief just dumped them all
into one medium-sized hole.
GILLETTE: Well I was able to trace
the call to a one-block radius,
so if you will excuse me,
I am going to rescue Pam.
ARCHER: No, I will do that.
LANA: No, I will.
GILLETTE: God damn it!
Let's just everybody go!
MALORY: No!
There's half a billion dollars worth
of Tunt sitting in that vault!
That's the critical mission here!
LANA: So who gets it?
MALORY: No heroics, you two.
It's just Pam.
PAM: I mean, I know it's hard to put
a dollar value on a human life,
but for ***'s sake...
five grand?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Yeah, so please
don't take this the wrong way,
but I am gonna kill you.
PAM: Aw c'mon, I haven't
seen your faces!
KIDNBPPER BOSS: There.
PAM: Damn.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Now shut up.
KIDNAPPER 1: Hey so, I'm not totally on-board
with a full-frontal assault on ISIS.
KIDNAPPER 2: Yeah I'm
actually totally off-board.
- My eyes still hurt pretty bad.
- Too bad.
That's the only way
we're gonna get to Cheryl Tunt.
- I can get you guys in.
- Um...
- Seriously?
- Yeah, screw them.
Especially Cheryl.
Hope you kidnap a *** out of her.
Huh! Where the hell is she?
- You're gonna be in so much trouble...
- No...
Trouble is what the IRS will do to me
if I don't pay back that loan.
The IRS?
Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there?
MALORY: But she must still
be in the building!
All the blast doors are down!
LANA: Yeah, so... oh, dammit!
Archer and Ray had to
leave through the garage!
MALORY: But they're not dumb enough
to leave the door wide open!
Are they?
ARCHER: Yes!
GILLETTE: Why?!
ARCHER: Because you're just
wearing it to *** me off!
GILLETTE: Is it working?
ARCHER: Yes! So take it off!
We look totally gay!
GILLETTE: I am gay.
ARCHER: Well I'm not!
GILLETTE: Then why are you
wearing that turtleneck?
ARCHER: Take it off.
GILLETTE: You better put
that back in your purse.
ARCHER: Hang on, this is far from over.
Talk to me.
Yeah, it's totally wide open.
What?
No, I'm not an idiot, Mother!
We're still here, in the garage!
Because Ray is being
a total ***!
MALORY: Why do you care
what he's wearing?!
LANA: Oh my God...
MALORY: I'm not taking his side!
LANA: Oh my God...
MALORY: Sterling, they've taken Cheryl!
Probably right past you two while you
were arguing over who's prettiest!
ARCHER: They didn't
come through here!
Kidnappers got Cheryl.
GILLETTE: Dukes!
ARCHER: But wait, they've still
gotta be in the building, right?
MALORY: Probably! So secure the perimeter,
do a floor-by-floor sweep, and...
Brett! For the love of God!
BRETT: Hello? Yeah one sec?
Kidnappers, line one.
MALORY: That's them.
Secure and sweep.
Idiots.
Lana, follow me.
ARCHER: Roger that.
I will definitely tell him.
GILLETTE: Tell me what?
ARCHER: She said for you take it off.
GILLETTE: No she didn't!
ARCHER: She absolutely
certainly did Ray.
And also for us to
sweep the building.
The doing of which
I am in charge.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Hey, thanks
for getting us inside.
Somebody shoot her.
PAM: Oh, okay! Then good luck getting
past all the biometric scanners!
I mean, unless you wanna chop off my
fingertips and slice out my retinas!
Oh don't be dicks.
MALORY: What?
CYRIL: I said, I'll kill the Tunt
woman if you don't pay the ransom.
MALORY: I can't understand
a word of this.
LANA: Hey, Trainspotting.
Can you dial that modulator down a skoosh?
CYRIL: Is that better?
MALORY: Barely...
CYRIL: Hang on a second...
how about now.
MALORY: That's better.
Now I believe there was
some mention of a ransom?
CYRIL: Three thousand
seven hundred dollars.
MALORY: Wh-?
LANA: Wait, how much?!
A million dollars.
Fifty million dollars.
Why the hell are you down here?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Because
Cyril kidnapped me, duh!
GILLETTE: Oh you
are full of ***.
CYRIL: You heard me.
Fifty million dollars.
Unmarked bills, uh, non-sequential...
LANA: Just keep him on the line.
Something's very fishy
about this kidnapper.
CYRIL: Uh, let's see, what else...
MALORY: Tom Collins, try not to drown it.
CYRIL: Obviously a dye pack is a dealbreaker...
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Jesus, would you hurry up?
PAM: Hey! I'm not the one who
smashed my eyes into eggplants!
***.
PAM: There. Now cut this *** off
so I can do the fingerprint reader.
CYRIL: Let's see, what else?
LANA: Ahhhhh... ha!!
Who ya talkin to?
CYRIL: Nobody. Phone sex.
LANA: Really.
CYRIL: Yep! See?
Oh yeah, you like that, don't you?
MALORY: What?!
CYRIL: Your Daddy's dirty,
dirty little ***.
MALORY: What?!
CYRIL: Okay, I'm done ***.
Goodbye.
MALORY: What kind of sick,
degenerate...
My God, he was calling
from this floor!
Lana! Lanaaa!
LANA: Where is she?
CYRIL: Who knows, probably
some trailer park in Alabama.
LANA: Not the phone sex operator
you're totally lying about! Cheryl!
ARCHER: She's right here!
LANA: What?
CYRIL: What? I mean "See?"
GILLETTE: Yeah, little Miss Cry Wolf
here handcuffed herself to a radiator.
CHERYL/CAROL: What!
ARCHER: Which, even for
you, pretty pathetic.
CHERYL/CAROL: I didn't kidnap myself!
He did!
CYRIL: Who me?
No, I've been up here
the whole time.
Having some phone sex.
Just, jerking it.
On telephone...
Um, does the internet ***
know you're cheating on it?
- Very funny.
- Thank you.
Lana, Lana, the kidnapper!
- He was calling from this floor.
- Yeah.
And where the hell was she?
- Basement. - Kidnapped herself.
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, even for you...
- No, I didn't!
...is pathetic.
- ***, she's crazy.
- Yeah, crazy.
Just jacking it. On telephone.
*** ambushed, that's what I was doing.
- Wait, hang on.
- All the trouble you put us through.
Were there even any
kidnappers in the first place?
- Wh-Yes!
- Prove it!
They're right there, duh!
- That's not good.
- Drop your weapons.
Or she dies.
Oh, for... Seriously?
They're not gonna shoot you, Pam.
Their programming won't allow it.
- What?
- Don't ask.
- What?
- Plus if they do,
I'll shoot Carol.
CHERYL/CAROL: What?!
LANA: What the ***?!
ARCHER: Relax!
They can't risk killing Carol!
CYRIL: Although that would
actually be a win-win for me...
GILLETTE: Shut up.
And here, just in case.
- Oh, cool...
LANA: No no, don't give him a...
ARCHER: Shut up!
That vest is bulletproof!
CHERYL/CAROL: Oww!!
ARCHER: But it is,
ya know, a vest.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Okay okay!
Don't shoot! I give up!
Totally give up.
LANA: Keep those hands up.
Pam? You okay?
PAM: Do you people
even give a ***?!
EVERYBODY: Whoa!
PAM: Cheryl's dumb *** gets me
kidnapped and the *** kicked
outta me all day, and nobody
even tries to rescue me...
GILLETTE: Archer's fault.
ARCHER: Shut up.
PAM: You shut up!
Mr. Pam's Not Worth It!
And then you stupid a-holes shoot a
jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me!
MALORY: Not me!
I wasn't shooting!
PAM: And you!
The worst of the bunch.
MALORY: Me? ! Why me?!
PAM: Five thousand
measly dollars.
MALORY: I, you know, maybe
I low-balled him at first,
but I had some wiggle room!
PAM: Yeah? Well, let's see how much you
wiggle when I'm whippin five thousand
bucks' worth of yer ***.
MALORY: What?!
LANA: Hey, whoa! Pam!
ARCHER: Lana.
Let her have this one.
MALORY: Sterling!
Somebody?
Anybody?!
PAM: Yeah, anybody?
Wanna piece of this?
Nope.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com