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The following is a test
of faye dunaway's vocal cords.
We repeat:
This is only a test.
It stinks.
So, pat, are you
a man or a woman?
She's a girl, mate.
I saw her
backstage.
Look.
You ruined my career!
Oh, well.
Live,
from hohokus, New Jersey,
it's yesterday night!
It's yesterday night live
starring the not-good-enough-
for-feature-film players!
Including the fat guy,
the crazy woman,
and the token black guy.
Featuring musical guests,
the rolling stones!
And now, here's your host,
Jeremy hawke!
Hello, hohokus!
Well, I'm thrilled to be here.
Most of you know me
as nothing more
than a rugged super-hunk
with a *** to die for.
And, uh, speaking of dying,
when's Reagan
going to kick off?
Am I right?
Now, here's my
Johnny Carson impression.
A famous garbage bag company
in pismo beach
has signed Tonya Harding
as their spokesperson.
This is true.
Ah, she'll be promoting their
new line of white trash bags.
Aw!
I don't know
who Johnny Carson is,
but that's funny.
We've got a great show,
so stay tuned.
he's Mr.
sweaty guy
he's Mr.
sweaty guy
Mr.
sweaty guy,
this is the original copy
of the U.
S.
constitution.
It's been kept dry
for 200 years.
I want you to hold it.
No sweat.
Uh! They do the same
sketches every week.
They're nothing more than
a string of catch phrases.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Oh, beauty.
They didn't give
my seat away.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Olivia hawke,
Jeremy's twin sister
from Australia.
Well, I'm a lucky girl
to be sitting
I wonder what
she looks like naked.
You idiot!
You said that out loud.
You better cover.
I mean, uh, I wonder what
she cooks like naked.
Oh nice going.
Hey, did you hear?
They're firing
that fat sweaty guy.
That's me!
Livvy! I'm so glad
you could come.
Oh, good to see you, Wally.
Wally?
I was stolen by wallabies
when I was a baby.
Well, if childhood trauma
turns you on,
have I got a story for you.
So, you see, gentlemen,
this 7-year-old boy
somehow managed to swallow
a recording of barking dogs
singing jingle bells.
Poor baby!
Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah.
I can dig it.
Oh!
Anyway, what brings
you to New York?
I'm a dealer in aborigine art.
How ab-original.
We're opening up a gallery
here in New York.
You know, I've never
been here before.
Would you like to
give me a tour?
Yeah, I'd like to!
Oh, uh, but I shouldn't.
Jay has a girlfriend.
Well, she's not my girlfriend,
but we have kind of a
Harry-met-Sally,
Tracy-and-hepburn,
Turner-and-***
thing going.
Hey, look, it's just a tour.
It's not like you're
going to see me
cook naked.
Oh! All right.
- Naked, schmaked.
- I just want the cookin'.
Dad! There goes
yesterday night live alum,
jon lovitz!
Make way, make way,
you comedy peons.
Famous movie star
coming through,
and I am carrying something
you've never seen before.
It's called talent!
Man! I wish I had
half his looks.
Well, you kind of
sound like him.
You think?
And, action!
That's our show for tonight.
Next week, we'll be reviewing
true lies 2.
For this sequel,
they weren't able
to get Jamie Lee Curtis,
so they had to settle
for her dad, Tony.
I used to dance like this
for kirk Douglas.
Oh, marvelous.
Nice show today.
I liked your review
of the new Mel Brooks movie.
Oh, you mean,
the hand that rocks
the dreidel?
Listen, Alice,
Jeremy's sister asked me
to take her around town,
but if you say no, I won't go.
Jay, don't put me
in this position.
You just have yourself
a nice time.
Are you sure?
I said yes, damn it!
Oh.
Then I'm off!
Poor kids.
They're crazy
about each other.
If only they had
the guts to say
how they really feel.
You're right.
Duke,
I've loved you
for years.
In fact, every 30 seconds
I have a hot, steamy fantasy
about the two of us.
Oh, uh, uh, I got to
take this elevator.
That's just an open shaft.
It's quicker.
Get ready to experience
Jay sherman's New York.
We begin with Chinatown.
It's the monster
with many mouths.
Kill the lights!
New York is
a shopper's paradise.
The garment district,
the diamond district,
and the quaintly nauseating
antihistamine district.
And this is grant's tomb.
Who has disturbed
ulysses grant's slumber?
Oh, Jay.
Can we try it,
please?
Aw, these things are rigged.
Oh, come on, Jay.
Let's give it a go.
Are you all right?
My name is Forrest Gump.
You can call me Forrest Gump.
Ow!
Soon-yi,
I-m I'm sorry.
I can't get past
this problem
with your age.
You know, 22 is
just too old for me.
This is the constellation
we call the goddess.
This one is called kreplach,
the bald ogre.
Hey.
But they share a common star,
bound together forever
in eternal harmony.
Oh, Jay.
Sometimes I feel like
I've searched this whole galaxy
just looking for a man
who really needs me.
Jay, she's fantastic.
Does she have a daughter?
Our last film tonight
is a sequel to little women:
Little men.
Starring the littlest men
in Hollywood,
Michael j.
Fox,
Dudley Moore, and Joe pesci.
Look at this.
I'm here
with the keebler elves.
You seem awfully hostile.
You should see a shrink.
Shrink!
Oh, you think I'm funny?
Do I amuse you?
Do I make you laugh?
I asked for 2 shots,
but this is ridiculous.
Oh, God, I kill myself.
Hey, look!
It's Gary Coleman.
I really liked that movie,
especially the scene
when they all sailed around
the bathtub in a thimble.
Man, that's short, baby!
Hmm.
Wonder why you're in
such a good mood?
Jay! Ready for lunch?
Uh, this is Jeremy's sister,
Olivia Newton hawke.
And this is my assistant
Um um
Oh, God, I'm really
in trouble now.
The name is Alice,
as in Alice doesn't
work here anymore.
Look, Alice,
I'd never want
to hurt you,
but I don't know what
our relationship is.
Are we friends or are we more?
We are employer and employee.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to leave
with my dignity.
Jay, is there a little man
on the outside of this door?
Yes.
Oh, pooh.
Olivia, this is Doris.
Her job is to make
me look beautiful.
How I yearn
for death's sweet embrace.
Come on.
I know that Olivia chick.
She gave me the wildest night
of my life.
Then, when I woke up,
she was gone.
She didn't even stay to cuddle.
I'd never walk out on you.
That wasn't very sexy, was it?
Jay, I'm all verklempt.
I can't find
my sister anywhere.
She's not in her hotel room,
she didn't call
vegemite sandwich?
Blast it, Jay,
I hate to say this
about my sister,
but she'll break your heart.
And then I'll be holding
your hand all night at
the chicken shackAgain.
What do you mean,
there's no more chicken?
My heart is shattered.
Is a little "extra crispy"
too much to ask?
What about that
big juicy one over there?
I just want a little thigh.
You want a piece of me,
fat boy? I'll spork your ***.
Jeremy?
I think my sister and I
need a moment alone.
Well, at least I have a towel.
New York, just like I pictured:
Bright lights, skyscrapers,
fat naked man on
the balcony there.
I won't let you
hurt my best friend.
I've got no choice
but to tell Jay
about your past.
No, you won't,
because I'm going to
tell him right now.
Jay!
I've got something to tell you.
F-f-f-fine.
Now it's your turn
to go wait on the balcony.
S-s-s-see how
you like it.
Mmm.
That hardly seems fair.
Jay, do you know why
you're different
from every man I've been with?
Uh, is it my vestigial ***?
No, it's because deep down,
you're the most
vulnerable man
I've ever met.
You're sweet,
you're unpretentious,
you're like a big koala bear.
I hate qantas.
Now, Jay, I want
our relationship
to be built on trust.
So, I'm going to tell you
about every man
I've ever been with.
Starting in high school,
there was kato, who lived
in the guest house,
Warren beatty,
when he was good,
Pete best
he was the worst
Mickey dolenz,
Peter tork, Peter tosh
and Mickey Rourke
Then this year there was
Larry "bud" melman,
and he was the best,
until you.
Well, since we're
cleaning the slate,
I'll confess my many
sordid and *** affairs.
Whoo! So good
to come clean.
Oh, Jay, you do need me.
Maybe this Sheila
is finally ready
to settle down.
Jay, the lovely
roselli twins and I
have been thinking.
You just see Olivia
as an outlet
for your latent homosexual
attraction to me.
Shut up.
You've got a great pair
of smoochers, mate.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Jay, it's Alice.
Have you forgotten about me?
What is the problem?
Nothing, I swear this time
I'll kiss you.
I love you, Spartacus.
She called me Spartacus.
What's the matter, mama?
Oh, sweetie,
you wouldn't understand.
Are you afraid
the man you love
has left you for another?
What? Where'd you
learn to talk like that?
It's "men are ***" week
on ricki lake.
How can I tell
if I really love Jay?
Well, just do
what ricki lake says:
Close your eyes
and listen to the voice
inside your head.
Ok.
Who do I love?
Hello.
Ow!
It is Jay!
Doris, you know Jay
pretty well, don't you?
Hey, I was there
for him when his
liposuction backfired.
He went to Rio, and was
the hit of the carnaval.
Ole, ole, ole, ole
feeling hot, hot, hot
I'm in love with Jay,
but I don't know
what to do.
Well, my advice is
to just walk right up
and tell him.
Or do what I do:
Send your man
a naked picture
of yourself.
My pills my pills.
Mmm! Mmm!
Listen, I'm supposed
to fly back
to Australia tomorrow,
but I'm not sure I want to.
You're high on
vitamin Jay, baby.
Well, buckle up
'cause the ride
just gets Wilder.
Jay, you make
me laugh and scare me
all at the same time.
I love you.
Tell me you love me, too.
Well, I
Jay, you bewitching
little booger,
I've got something to say:
I love you,
and I need to know
do you love me?
Well, I
Baby, I love you the most.
And now you
gotta be straight
do you love me?
Uh, queen latifah?
Oops, wrong office.
Dad, 2 women
are in love with me,
and I don't know
which one I love.
Oh, that's a tough one.
I went through
some similar travails
over your mother.
Move aside, you little squirt.
I'll have this dance.
Oh, fresh!
Help!
Franklin, help!
Help! Help!
I don't get it.
Well, neither do I, son,
but I do know how
to find out who
you really love.
Do what ricki lake says:
Just close your eyes
and listen to the voice
inside your head.
Who do I love?
Hi.
I'm ricki lake.
On today's show,
we'll be looking at
Jay sherman and
the people he loves.
Jay, I'm the first girl
you kissed.
Now I'm a militant lesbian
and a professional
woman golfer!
Hi, Jay.
I'm the poster
that got you through
all those lonely
nights in college.
I was on your wall, too,
you ***-sucking loser!
Oh, yeah.
Have a nice day.
Jay, I represent
your ex-wife, ardeth.
If you want her likeness
to appear in this dream,
it'll cost you $10,000.
Well, partner, looks
like we're on the road
to Jay's bladder.
Yeah.
I hear this cat
has a pool-shaped kidney.
Man, that's livin'.
Baby, this is the queen.
I dub thee my Earl of ecstasy.
Uh, queen latifah?
Wait a minute.
This isn't
Denzel Washington's head.
Do you love me?
This is your last chance, mate.
I love you,
you bewitchin' little booger.
Alice!
Look, I think you're wonderful,
but I love someone else.
Jay, you're the
first man who's
ever dumped me.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure you'll meet
someone who needs you
even more than I do.
'Scuse me, ma'am.
My pants seem
to be on backwards.
Could you zip me up?
Thank you, ma'am.
Now, Mr.
sweaty guy,
"during the midnight ride
of Paul revere,
"how many lanterns were there,
"what was the name
of his horse,
"who was his partner,
and was his horse
a stallion or a mare?"
Alice, I've got
something to tell you.
It's something
I should have said
a long time ago.
I love you.
Really?
I've been carrying
this poem for years,
saving it for when
I finally met the woman
of my dreams.
"She's a super freak"
oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't updated this
since 11th grade.
Oh, here.
"The woman I love
will be my best friend.
"We'll make each other laugh,
and I'll never be
lonely again.
"
Her name will be Alice,
and she'll have
a sweet Southern accent,
and I hope she'll love me, too.
Oh, Jay,
you're the sweetest man
who ever called me
a super freak.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Celebrity voices
are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in
the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, the shows over.
Get away, pipsqueak.
That's why I love her.
Shh!