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13. Pigs is Pigs
SHIRLEY GRIFFITH: Now, the VOA Special English program, AMERICAN STORIES.
(MUSIC) Our story today is called “Pigs is Pigs.”
It was written by Ellis Parker Butler. Here is Shep O’Neal with the story.
SHEP O’NEAL: Mike Flannery, the agent of the Interurban Express Company, leaned over
the desk in the company’s office in Westcote and shook his fist. Mr. Morehouse, angry and
red, stood on the other side of the desk shaking with fury. The argument had been long and
hot. At last Mr. Morehouse had become speechless. The cause of the trouble lay on the desk between
the two men. It was a box with two guinea pigs inside.
“Do as you like, then!” shouted Flannery. “Pay for them and take them. Or don’t
pay for them and leave them here. Rules are rules, Mr. Morehouse. And Mike Flannery is
not going to break them.” “But you stupid idiot!” shouted Mr. Morehouse,
madly shaking a thin book beneath the agent’s nose. “Can’t you read it here – in your
own book of transportation rates? ‘Pets, domestic, Franklin to Westcote, if correctly
boxed, twenty-five cents each.’” He threw the book on the desk. “What more
do you want? Aren’t they pets? Aren’t they domestic? Aren’t they correctly boxed?
What?” He turned and walked back and forth rapidly,
with a furious look on his face. “Pets,” he said. “P-E-T-S! Twenty-five cents each.
Two times twenty-five is fifty! Can you understand that? I offer you fifty cents.”
Flannery reached for the book. He ran his hand through the pages and stopped at page
sixty-four. “I don’t take fifty cents,” he whispered
in an unpleasant voice. “Here’s the rule for it: ‘When the agent be in any doubt
about which two rates should be charged on a shipment, he shall charge the larger. The
person receiving the shipment may put in a claim for the overcharge.’ In this case,
Mr. Morehouse, I be in doubt. Pets them animals may be. And domestic they may be, but pigs
I’m sure they do be. And my rule says plain as the nose on your face, ‘Pigs, Franklin
to Westcote, thirty cents each.’” Mr. Morehouse shook his head savagely. “Nonsense!”
he shouted. “Confounded nonsense, I tell you! That rule means common pigs, not guinea
pigs!” “Pigs is pigs,” Flannery said firmly.
Mr. Morehouse bit his lip and then flung his arms out wildly. “Very well!” he shouted.
“You shall hear of this! Your president shall hear of this! It is an outrage! I have
offered you fifty cents. You refuse it. Keep the pigs until you are ready to take the fifty
cents. But, by George !, sir, if one hair of those pigs’ heads is harmed, I will have
the law on you!” He turned and walked out, slamming the door. Flannery carefully lifted
the box from the desk and put it in a corner. (MUSIC)
Mr. Morehouse quickly wrote a letter to the president of the transportation express company.
The president answered, informing Mr. Morehouse that all claims for overcharge should be sent
to the Claims Department. Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Claims Department.
One week later he received an answer. The Claims Department said it had discussed the
matter with the agent at Westcote. The agent said Mr. Morehouse had refused to accept the
two guinea pigs shipped to him. Therefore, the department said, Mr. Morehouse had no
claim against the company and should write to its Tariff Department.
Mr. Morehouse wrote to the Tariff Department. He stated his case clearly. The head of the
Tariff Department read Mr. Morehouse’s letter. “Huh! Guinea pigs,” he said. “Probably
starved to death by this time.” He wrote to the agent asking why the shipment was held
up. He also wanted to know if the guinea pigs were still in good health.
Before answering, agent Flannery wanted to make sure his report was up to date. So he
went to the back of the office and looked into the cage. Good Lord! There were now eight
of them! All well and eating like hippopotamuses. He went back to the office and explained to
the head of the Tariff Department what the rules said about pigs. And as for the condition
of the guinea pigs, said Flannery, they were all well. But there were eight of them now,
all good eaters. The head of the Tariff Department laughed
when he read Flannery’s letter. He read it again and became serious.
“By George!” he said. “Flannery is right. Pigs is pigs. I’ll have to get something
official on this. He spoke to the president of the company. The president treated the
matter lightly. “What is the rate on pigs and on pets?” he asked.
“Pigs thirty cents, pets twenty-five,” the head of the Tariff Department answered.
“Then of course guinea pigs are pigs,” the president said.
“Yes,” the head of the Tariff Department agreed. “I look at it that way too. A thing
that can come under two rates is naturally to be charged at the higher one. But are guinea
pigs, pigs? Aren’t they rabbits?” “Come to think of it,” the president said,
“I believe they are more like rabbits. Sort of half-way between pig and rabbit. I think
the question is this – are guinea pigs of the domestic pig family? I’ll ask Professor
Gordon. He is an expert about such things.” The president wrote to Professor Gordon. Unfortunately,
the professor was in South America collecting zoological samples. His wife forwarded the
letter to him. The professor was in the High Andes Mountains.
The letter took many months to reach him. In time, the president forgot the guinea pigs.
The head of the Tariff Department forgot them. Mr. Morehouse forgot them. But agent Flannery
did not. The guinea pigs had increased to thirty-two. He asked the head of the Tariff
Department what he should do with them. “Don’t sell the pigs,” agent Flannery
was told. “They are not your property. Take care of them until the case is settled.”
The guinea pigs needed more room. Flannery made a large and airy room for them in the
back of his office. (MUSIC)
Some months later he discovered he now had one hundred sixty of them. He was going out
of his mind. Not long after this, the president of the
express company heard from Professor Gordon. It was a long and scholarly letter. It pointed
out that the guinea pig was the cavia aparoea, while the common pig was the genus sus of
the family suidae. The president then told the head of the Tariff
Department that guinea pigs are not pigs and must be charged only twenty-five cents as
domestic pets. The Tariff Department informed agent Flannery that he should take the one
hundred sixty guinea pigs to Mr. Morehouse and collect twenty-five cents for each of
them. Agent Flannery wired back. “I’ve got eight
hundred now. Shall I collect for eight hundred or what? How about the sixty-four dollars
I paid for cabbages to feed them?” Many letters went back and forth. Flannery
was crowded into a few feet at the extreme front of the office. The guinea pigs had all
the rest of the room. Time kept moving on as the letters continued to go back and forth.
(MUSIC) Flannery now had four thousand sixty-four
guinea pigs. He was beginning to lose control of himself. Then, he got a telegram from the
company that said: “Error in guinea pig bill. Collect for two guinea pigs -- fifty
cents.” Flannery ran all the way to Mr. Morehouse’s
home. But Mr. Morehouse had moved. Flannery searched for him in town but without success.
He returned to the express office and found that two hundred six guinea pigs had entered
the world since he left the office. At last, he got an urgent telegram from the
main office: “Send the pigs to the main office of the company at Franklin.” Flannery
did so. Soon, came another telegram. “Stop sending pigs. Warehouse full.” But he kept
sending them. Agent Flannery finally got free of the guinea
pigs. “Rules may be rules,” he said, “but so long as Flannery runs this express office,
pigs is pets and cows is pets and horses is pets and lions and tigers and Rocky Mountain
goats is pets. And the rate on them is twenty-five cents.”
Then he looked around and said cheerfully, “Well, anyhow, it is not as bad as it might
have been. What if them guinea pigs had been elephants?”
(MUSIC) SHIRLEY GRIFFITH:
“Pigs is Pigs” was written by Ellis Parker Butler. It was adapted for Special English
by Harold Berman. The storyteller was Shep O’Neal. The producer was Lawan Davis.
You can read and listen to other American Stories on our Web site, voaspecialenglish.com.
I’m Shirley Griffith.