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So there we were.
Elliott about to get married.
Me about to have a baby with Kim.
careening toward to kiss.
We're both terrified because either one
of us could back out the last second,
leaving the other kissing the air,
and feeling like a fool.
Ah, the point of no-return.
The closing
of the eyes.
Time to dive
Elliott?
JD, what are we doing?
How the hell d'she do that?
Look, what almost happened
in there is not about us.
Of course not.
Please Us?
We were both just on the verge
of making giant commitments,
- and as usual we are freaking out.
- You're right, and you know what?
We can't let fears
screw our relationships.
Who wants to end like Snoop Dogg intern?
- Hey!
- Sorry, Snoop Dogg resident.
- Hey!
- Snoop Dogg attending?
- That's right, baby.
All right.
The point is he
hasnt' told Josephine
that she gives him wowsers in his trousers.
Hey, be cool, be cool man.
I'm working on it.
I'm with you dog, just keep it real.
What do we do now?
Nothing.
Nothing happened, so we
never have to speak of this again.
Hey!
- Keith?
- Keith?
Keith?
Wait, I was alrady
surprised out loud?
I was lonely at home, so I decided
to come by and say hi.
Oooh!
And then I had one of those
weird, crystallizing moments
when everything becomes so clear.
I mean, I should've been relieved that
Keith haven't shown up earlier,
and walked in on JD and me.
But I wasn't.
I wished he had caught us.
'Cause the truth is
I don't wanna marry him.
- Shut up!
- Uuuuuh!
Honestly I think
I let it get this far because of how much
I wanna be married, you know.
- God, I wanna be married.
- Baby
Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late,
I hope I didn't interrupt
anything important
- Oh
- Actually, since I'm diabetic,
Carla only lets me eat one
candy bar every 6 months,
so she was helping me choose
which one to go with.
First, we cut out all candy that sounds
remotely racist, which includes
all jerk chocolate,
and I know this sounds weird but,
JoojooBees.
Then Carla was like "What about Junior
Mints?", and I was like "Junior Mints?"
Baby, if I want my candy
to freshen my breath,
I'd just lap some toothpaste on'em
watch him to call and ball
and go to town on that bad boy,
you know what I'm saying?
She knows I'm changing the
subject 'cause she's sad.
Come here, come here, Elliot.
Hmmm, hmmm.
No.
Ok.
What did he ask you?
Oh, he just wanted to know if there's
anything I needed.
Elliott?
He asked me if they
still make Mars bars.
Come on Bob, there's an empty
table right there.
I'll leave for 10 dollars.
Pleasure doing business.
Hey, friends.
What, are you bored up there?
- So, how did it go with Keith?
- I haven't told him yet.
His whole family's in town for the wedding,
and so my house is filled as a freaking
Rafters with the Dudemaisters.
You know how my college girlfriend,
Stacy, broke up with me?
She arranged it so that when
I came home from class,
I was able to see her riding in
pleasure beneath a big, brown butt.
How many times do I have
to apologize for that?
I still have nightmares about
your cheeks, Turk,
just bouncing, and bouncing.
Can't sleep.
Ok now or never.
Keith!
Hey there, future Mrs.
Dudemeister!
Actually I'm not sure we decided whether
or not am I taking your last name.
You know what? That's not important Keith,
we need to talk.
- What's the matter?
- I don't even know how to start this
Keith, I've been thinking
- I don't feel right watching this.
- It's not just us
That's it.
It's over.
Aww!
Aww!
- JD!
- No, Snoop Dog attending,
finally told Josephine how he feels.
Aww!
Hey, everybody, look.
A rainbow.
Aww!
It had been a while since
my near kiss with Elliot
and the dust was finally starting to settle.
- Daddy's home!
- Come here,
check out these big pregnant apple feet.
Wow! Those are truly disgusting.
Right? I missed you.
Elliot had broken up with Keith and
everything looked great from me and Kim,
still, to see how we got there,
I have to go back a week.
One week earlier
So, how's Keith?
Carla.
Pig ***.
Better actually.
Used to be "Stupid Pig ***".
It's only been a few days and he's
already dropped an adjective.
Wow! Maybe by the weekend
you'll just be "***".
Hey, Kim.
I know because I work
we haven't seeing in a while,
but do you mind if I grab
a drink with Turk, tonight?
Tell'er my dad died.
Go have fun with your friend.
I'm gonna stand in and eat.
Thanks, babe.
Bye.
See Turk? Now we can see that dead didine
and go to see the new panda baby at the zoo.
- Oh, It's to late for that.
She died.
- Not Ming Ming?
- Her mama sat on her and then ate her.
- Stupid nature.
I can't believe I almost messed things
up with Kim.
What's wrong with me?
You're an annoying, whining man-child.
- That question wasn't directed to you!
- What question?
Mr.
Hotneck, I see here you were admitted
for swollen lymphnode and abdonimal pain.
- I'm also having heart palpitations.
- Oh, I think I can help you with that.
Well, you see, I'm very, very handsome.
I was gonna say.
Beardface, what you say?
It's Beardface'! Why did you people
insist on calling me Beardface!
- Ehm.
may I?
- Go for it.
Well, I-I just got here,
but if I had to guess
I would say it's 'cause
your face is 5/6 beard.
Damn you!
Carla, which resident ordered
a CAT scan on Mr.
Herschlossning?
That would be me, pig ***, it's on
the note.
Oh, can't pig *** read?
Ah, Pig *** Reid!
See, your last name is Reid,
so it works two ways.
Keith's been totally unprofessional,
And you were supposed to
marry him, last weekend?
Speaking of which, I gave you a
very hied cappuccino maker,
and seeing is there aren't
going to be any nuptials
- Yeah, yeah.
You'll get it back.
- Great.
Keith and I have to work toghether.
How am I supposed to fix this?
You can't.
You just gotta let
him hate you you for a while.
No, we can get through this.
I'm gonna talk to him.
Hey, wait a minute.
We've only got one cappuccino
maker and it was from my brother Barry.
Worth the shot.
Sorry, you gonna answer me or not?
Come on, man.
You know why you
almost screwed things up with Kim,
- don't make me say it.
- Hi fine.
The heart truth rule is in effect.
Only heart truth on me, so you
will wanna me or you'll feel guilty.
- JD, we don't even
- When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs.
That's not even true!
- Did Carla tell you to say that?
- No, why, did she think that too?
No.
All right, fine.
You wanna know
why you are almost blowed with Kim?
That's because your knocked
her up on your first date,
and before you could get to know her,
she betraded you.
Now you don't have strong feelings for her
and the only reason why you guys are still
together is because there's a kid envolved.
Which means you gonna stick it out with
her till the end whether you love her or not.
I don't know man, I don't think that's true.
I don't think it's about her.
I think it's about me.
I've sabotaged every relationship I've
ever been in.
Look at it.
Mole-butt, Tina two-kids,
Rumple-fuggly, Gift-shop Girl.
None of those girls were good
for you anyway.
Except for Mole-butt.
- I didn't even know Rumple-fuggly was a girl!
- Stop it! Fug was awesome.
Lyme disease and
how on Earth
could I possibly have figured out such a
tough diagnosis so darn quickly?
Because I'm that good.
One more time for emphasis
I'm that good.
Wooooo!
Now I'm gonna have this incredibly
fun-size intern
give you quick body-check
for tick bites, tip-toes?
Oh, she-she's cute.
And once she has found the telltale
bullseye shaped mark
we'll be able to start trigging you.
How does that sound, Mr Hotneck?
Please call me Joe.
- Gotta get that guy out of here.
- Why? Is he a jerk?
No, I I think I like him.
- What smells like eggs?
- Nothing sir, you're imagining.
- What's wrong with liking a patient?
- I'm not you.
I don't get to introduce myself to
patients, do a minor surgery,
recommend a good mortician
to family and that just be on my way.
I have to treat people, and If I like them
well, that makes me wanna
work harder much harder.
Really who has time for that, right?
Seriously
Am I having a stroke or is
someone making an homelette?
Hey Keith.
You came to your house while
I'm packing all my stuff,
even though you promised not to be here.
Awesome.
Well, you know you can't take my word.
I mean, I also
promised to marry you last
Saturday, right? Right?
I know too soon.
I'm sorry.
But, come on.
We loved too-soon jokes.
Come on now.
Let's see the chuckle Uh? Here it comes
I think I see it bubbling up!
You're not making me start laughing.
Because you know that if I start laugh
You start!
Ok, you know what, this is why
was so easy to walk out on you.
- I finally figured out what's wrong with me.
- You're an annoying whiny man-child.
I'm a self-saboteur.
And not just in relationships.
In everything.
But you know what? I'm done with all that.
I'm not gonna shoot myself
in the foot anymore.
- What is it, funsize?
- I checked Mr Hotneck all over,
- but I couldn't find the tick bite.
- Oh my God.
I gotta go figure this out.
I can't believe
Oh, and by the way, you've a
ridicolous speaking voice, did you
And even tough I wanted to ask Snoop
how he could spend a second
listening to that voice
without killing himself,
I didn't.
Yep! No more bringing trouble
my way by saying things like:
- Who are the flowers for?
- My girlfriend.
- You've a girlfriend?
- Just cause I'm Janitor means
- No woman could possibly
be attracted to me? - Noooo.
Yees.
There she is, right down there.
Really? What's her name?
- Lady.
- Lady?
- You don't believe me?
- Well, let's just say
you've lied to me before.
Watch this.
Hey lady!
Stay there.
Don't Don't come down here.
I'll get these to you later.
You witness.
- Just pick a candy, T-dog.
- Shut up!
You've no idea how
important this is to me.
And then I had this weird
crystalizing moment.
I realized I didn't have
to choose the candy.
I could just let the candy choose me.
- So what you get?
- Bit O'Honey.
- Oh! I'm so, so sorry.
- Don't be.
I ate that bad boy and
I own a half going on,
I'm still pulling bits of it out of my teeth.
Oh my God, Gandhidiot.
We'd be all be better served
if we fill this patient with the
creamy caramel center.
Then, would you tell me
whether or not he needs surgery?
It's not an acute abdomen,
so it's not a surgical issue.
Why can't anyone figure
out what's wrong with me?
I won't let you down.
- I'm sorry I can't help Mr.
Hotneck.
- Oh, please, call me Joe.
I'm so sight to call him Joe.
- He's got this magical quality too.
- Uh, you telling me?
- What can I do to help?
- Gumbo,
I honestly don't know what to do next.
I do.
Some phrases stink, no
matter how the're said.
They can be barked by a sworn enemy.
Get the hell out of here!
Or hissed by a gilted ex stealing a lamp.
Elliot, just get the hell out of here!
Or even plainly stated in a
veteran doctor suading tone.
Goodbye everybody, I'll see you tomorrow!
Not her!
Fellows.
If your symptoms have subsided
and you can't find an underline cause,
his insurance won't cover.
You have to tell
Mr.
Hotneck to get the hell out of here.
Hey Joe.
When someone tells you to get the hell
out, you don't have a lot of options.
You can ignore them
Where are you taking me?
Joe, we're turfing you to dermatology
to buy ourselves some time.
Gandhi, how's that mole looking?
- Nice and cancerous.
- Well done!
Or you can take a more direct approach.
- No, Keith.
I'm not leaving.
- Oh, awesome.
Why does it have to be like this?
I care about you so much.
I don't wanna lose you for my life.
Well, you're going to.
Because, from
now on, Pigwhore, you're dead to me.
- You did what?!?
- I know I am a pigwhore.
What am I going to do now?
Would you two kindly shut
your respective cakeholes?
We're trying to figure out
what's wrong with Joe, here.
Big news, Sports' Fans!
I decided to start calling
everyone Sports' Fans.
Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jokey
tipe but I watched Hoosiers last night,
and I like sports now.
Anybody have any objections?
Marjory? Shocking.
You're usually the one who has
something to say about everything
I know you're the one who started
the rumor that I like dudes.
Allright, Sports' Fans! I've almost gone an
entire day without sabotaging myself.
Hello?
That's it!
Ladies and gentleman.
Welcome to the first
annual Sacred Heart "Who-cares-ease" Awards,
designed to honour those people who believe
that others actually give a rat's ***
about the manushia of their lives.
The weird thing was I think
we all really wanted to win.
And the nominees are
Barby Reid for: "What am I
going to do about my ex-fiancee".
Dame Judy Dorian for: "I'm
done self-sabotaging".
Gandhi for: "I've got
candy in my teeth".
The Todd for: "Look at my new shirt".
SHHH!!!
*** SLEEPING
And the winner is
Dame Judy Dorian!
This is Dame Judy Dorian's
first nomination and first win.
Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!
Perry, why the hell is Hotneck
still here? Put him on the street.
You win.
But would you do us a favour and
you deliver the news to Hotneck yourself?
I'll be glad to.
Hi.
I'm Bob Kelso.
Mr.
Hotneck, is it?
Please, call me Joe.
Think, fellows, think.
We have to
figure out what's wrong with Joe.
I've done it! An entire day
without sabotaging myself.
I'm sorry, but I don't
even know who you are.
Ohoh! It seems like a strange thing
for a girlfriend to say, isn't it?
Hold on one second,
I've to grab this.
Yello?
Oh yes, he's here.
It's the Truth calling.
Wants to know why you never tell it.
Ah! I mean really, who are you?
A necklace of my name on it?
The man I met was sweet
but I had no idea how sweet.
Ah! You got to get some! Ah!
Just had to do the phone bid, didn't ya?
- Her name's Lady?
- Yeah.
- Whose name's Lady?
- She is.
She's got a brother named Him,
what do you care?
Seriously, why do you force me
to make your life miserable?
And I really didn't have an answer for him.
You know what I don't have an answer for? Why
I'm going to line-dancing with Keith tonight.
Stupid pig-***.
- JD, you're not that self-destructed.
- Really?
I was gonna suggest
he'd seek professional help.
Would you be interested in
seeing a kindative therapist?
'Cause I know a guy, he's good,
and he give you his card,
then I'm gonna bash your head in.
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Timing at 7.
Well, on it.
Screw it.
I'm just gonna marry Keith.
- Maybe he'll die young
- When did we become
such ridiculous, pathetic people?
Why do you two think you're
different from anyone else?
JD, I get it my way all the time.
Like this morning, I was getting late,
and I got toothpaste on my upper lip, and
even though I knew Turk was watching,
I didn't wipe it off with
my hand, I went like this:
Huh, 'morning.
And Elliot, I'm sorry but you're not the
first person that ever slept with her ex, ok?
- Is there a point in this?
- Yes
And pay attention, because I don't
wanna be saying that in 2 weeks:
You're bot humans give
yourselves a break, ok?
Fair enough.
I can't look at these medical books
anymore.
We're getting nowhere.
- How d'you do, BeardFace?
- It's Beardface'.
- Beardface'.
- Calm down, Seymour.
If you wanna lose the nickname,
you gotta shave the beard.
'Course,
- then you'd be Doctor Face!
- Ha! Doctor Face.
Damn you all!
I wonder what he's hiding
under all that hair.
That's it!
- What's it?
- Interns are idiots.
Ockham's razor.
There you are.
Uhm, do you wanna go straight out,
or do you wanna go back to our
place, and get some food first?
We have to talk.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I have to do this again.
- Do what again, babe?
- Well, uhm
- Feel so bad for them.
- Mwah, me too.
But actually I never really cared
for Keith, or his farm boy looks,
but now it wasn't time for that.
Hey, Kim.
Get your butt home, already.
We
haven't seen each other in days.
But you missed me?
Of course I do.
But the truth was I didn't.
And then I had this weird,
cristallyzing moment,
you see, there's an ancient principle
you hear a lot about medicine:
that the simplest, most obvious
answer is usually the correct one.
It's called "Ockham's Razor!"
It could mean your first thing think
was right, and it was Leym's disease.
Bullseye!And there's kickpie.
Let's put
him on a hundred milligrams of ceftine.
Joe, you're gonna be fine.
Thank you, guys.
Sincerely.
Or that your best friend was right.
And you have to let you
ex-fiancee hate you for a while.
Goodnight, you skanky
scorehair pig ***.
Did you hear all the new adjectives?
Come here.
- You're not scorehair.
- I know
In my case, it was never
about sabotaging myself.
- Daddy's home.
- Come here.
Check out these big pregnant hiperfeet.
- Wow, those are truly disgusting.
- Right?!
I missed you.
It was the simple answer,
just like Turk said.
I had knocked up a
girl on our first date,
and I don't have strong feelings
for her, and probably never will.
And the only reason we're still together
is because there's a kid involved,
which means I'm gonna stay
with her, until the very end,
whether I love her, or not.