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Okay! Okay!
Listen up! Mail call!
- Get 'em while they're hot!
- What's the story with the newspapers?
Yeah, I ain't seen a Wall Street Journal
for two weeks.
Nothing's changed.
There's still no second-class mail.
[All Groaning,
Overlapping Chatter]
Don't start up with me again.
Snow and sleet is one thing
kneeing the mailman
is a federal offense.
Hold your water, folks.
There's no reason to kill the messenger.
He's been calling all over trying
to track down those periodicals.
Besides, this is nothing.
Back in W.
W.
I
I went 19 Saturdays
without an Evening Post.
- [All Groaning, Chattering]
- Thank you, sir.
That story
never fails to move me.
- [Man] So what's the poop?
- The only lead so far
is that all second-class
mail to South Korea
might have been sent
to South Dakota.
- [All Groaning]
- Leesman.
Look, we're all
suffering from this.
For me, the worst
of it is
that Li'I Abner was just about
to pop the question
to Daisy Mae.
For all I know, they're already post-nuptializing
in the honeymoon suite
- of the Dogpatch Hilton.
- Papazian!
Mercer, Foytack, Margolese.
- Oh, Major Winchester, package for you, sir.
- Huh?
Ah! Klinger, your
timing is perfect.
- What's in there, sir?
- Ah-ah-ah.
Curiosity killed the clerk.
Moran.
Potter.
- [Rattling]
- Sounds like those macaroons
the missus promised you, sir.
Thank goodness they're not
rerouting the vittles.
If only these were
fortune cookies
- we'd have something to read too.
- Yarborough!
[Chuckling]
[Sighs]
[Chuckling]
## [Hums]
[Slurps]
- Charles!
- Morning, Hunnicutt.
Trust you slept well.
I'm not finished yet,
so stop slurping
and snapping
your newspaper.
Newspaper?
Great! We're back on
the army's paper route again.
I'll finally get last month's
issue of Nude Volleyball.
[Chuckles]
Any minute now, I'll see
Brunhilda come bouncing in here.
[Laughs]
Put your libido on hold, Pierce.
I'm afraid your second-class mail
is still stacked up over no-man's-land.
- How come you got a newspaper?
- Because the Boston Globe
does not travel second class.
I have a week's worth sent from home
parcel post by my sister Honoria
along with other
necessities of life.
- A week's worth?
- Imagine, Beej.
Little us actually tent mates with a great
humanitarian with newspapers to share.
He's more than a humanitarian,
he's a saint.
He's more than a saint, he's a fast reader.
I got the sports section.
- I want the crossword puzzle.
- Gentlemen!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Or should I say "children"?
When, and only when,
I have finished this entire newspaper
you may have it.
That should be in
about an hour two.
That's fine.
It'll probably
take us that long
to read all these others
over here.
No one will touch
any newspaper until I have read it
first page to last
and I read one, and only one, per day.
- Charles
- What is this, the Korean newspaper torture?
You can read one a day.
Just let us read these others first.
Gentlemen, tea
and an un-thumbed newspaper
are among the few remnants
of civilization
that enable me
to face the day
here in hell's outhouse.
I refuse
to give them up
simply because you suddenly
find yourselves with nothing to read.
You have a choice,
one per day or none per day.
- Oh, great!
- I suppose we'll have to
scrub before we read them.
[Chuckles]
That'd be ludicrous.
All I ask is that this
remain our secret.
We don't want to be disturbed
by hordes of little readers.
You will excuse me.
I have an appointment
with Joseph Alsop.
[Man On P.
A.
] Attention all personnel.
Triage in the compound.
We have the finalists
in the shrapnel-catching contest.
Sorry, Charles, we'll have to
interrupt your newspaper
for some late-breaking
bones.
- Well.
- [Woman] Emergency.
! Over here.
Another North Korean.
Bad chest wound.
Hi, there! I hope the fact that I'm on
the side that shot you
won't strain our
doctor-patient relationship.
Good morning, Doctor and Mrs.
America
and all the ships at sea.
## [Imitates Fanfare]
Dateline, Dogpatch.
Highly placed sources
at "l" Corps have learned
that Li'I Abner and Daisy Mae
have tied the knot!
- [Cheers]
- Rats.
I've missed the wedding of the century.
Well, come on, Klinger.
Fill us in.
It's seems Li'I Abner vowed
he would only get married
if his ideal, Fearless Fosdick,
would do it first.
What, pray tell,
is a "Fearless Fosdick"?
Everybody knows he's the gumshoe
with the ventilated head, ***.
- And you call yourself well-read?
- Well, anyway
Fearless got married, so, naturally,
Li'I Abner did too
but the next day it turned out
that Fosdick's marriage was a dream.
Unfortunately, for Li'I Abner,
it was real.
- Oh, no.
- I'm sure it's for the best.
That Daisy Mae
is a woman of quality.
I'll bet she even had her feet shined
for the wedding.
Did your highly placed sources tell you
where our lousy newspapers are?
- Sorry, folks, there's no news tonight.
- [All Groaning]
But fear not.
For your reading enjoyment
I'm hot on the trail of a complete
unabridged library of army manuals.
[Booing]
Okay.
It's okay.
It's nothing.
Believe me.
If I don't get something
to read soon, I'll go crazy.
Now, Major, in times of stress we have to,
you know, tough it out.
Beej, have you noticed how really well
Charles is bearing up under the strain?
- Isn't he amazing? He doesn't make an issue.
- So relaxed.
- He's really showing us what he's made of.
- Gentlemen, I suggest
that both of you
tend to your knitting.
- Do you read me?
- Uh, retraction.
Not you.
Ha! Father! Imagine
running into you
sitting here reading
my paper.
Oh, yes.
I was walking by
and, to my surprise
- I saw it lying there on your bunk.
- L
- Couldn't resist catching up on the news.
- [Chuckles]
- I hope you don't mind.
- Mind? No Mind?
Why on earth should I mind?
Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable inside.
- Light's better.
- Oh, no.
It's such a lovely day.
That's why I came
outside.
Say, how did you
get hold of this?
The paper? L-I received some fish.
It was wrapped up in this.
Why don't you come inside, Father?
I'll make you some tea.
Oh, well,
that would be lovely.
- [Chuckles]
- Father!
Where did you get
that newspaper?
- Could I have the fashion section?
- Well, actually
it belongs to Major Winchester, but I'm sure
he wouldn't mind parting with it.
- Would you, Major?
- [Whimpers]
It's funny, you know?
It doesn't even smell fishy.
Well, lookee here.
! It's been so long,
I wouldn't swear to it
but that looks a lot
like a newspaper!
- It's Major Winchester's.
- He was kind enough to ask us
in to browse through it.
Well, mighty Samaritan
of you, Winchester.
- Don't mind helpin' myself to the funnies.
- Here.
- Ho! Ha!
- Hey, look at this! A newspaper!
- Hey! Where'd they get a newspaper?
- [Murmuring]
Hey, give me the classifieds!
I need a job.
Let me see Louella Parsons.
- [Chattering]
- Enough.
That's enough! Enough!
This is my newspaper.
I will not have it
passed around like a bottle of cheap wine.
Major! Surely, if you're fortunate enough
to have a newspaper
you're not going to withhold it
from these people.
- [All] Yeah!
- [Chattering]
All right.
! All
Since you've asked
so nicely, I suppose
we have to compromise.
When, and only when,
I have read each day's paper
- Each?
- Each? How many papers do you have?
Fess up, Major.
Are
you hoarding newsprint?
Just how many of these
"fish wrappers" are there?
Well, wouldn't you know.
As luck would have it
I have one, two
maybe seven.
- Seven!
- Seven newspapers? You creep!
I am so glad
you are all here.
I was just about to announce
my "Share the Newspaper" crusade.
All I ask is the right
of first perusal.
After I have read
each day's paper
I will then make it
available to the general public.
One day, one paper
Doesn't that seem a tidy arrangement?
Well, that seems
fair enough.
Okay, folks.
I guess
the tar-and-featherin' party is over.
You all go on
about your business
and I'll see to it that each
and every one of you gets an eyeful.
- Yeah, well, I just hope so.
- Don't worry.
You will.
And here we have Private
Kim, our foreign exchange prisoner.
- Aigo.
! Aigo.
!
- Okay.
Okay.
Take it easy.
- Where does he think he's going?
- "Aigo" is Korean for "Ouch.
"
Unfortunately, it's a common word
heard every day around the war.
Give him his morphine.
It's in the medicine cabinet.
We hide it behind
the Wildroot Cream Oil.
So what do you think?
Should I ask her to the prom?
[Speaking Korean]
Well, with that kind of attitude,
no wonder you can't get a date.
- Just take it easy.
In a couple
of days, you'll be fine.
- [Speaking Korean]
Keep that up, you'll
stay home New Year's too.
[Speaking Korean]
Doctor, I'm Lieutenant Yook.
My men and I are here
to guard our prisoners.
Oh! Good.
Just in the nick of time.
Keep your eye on that one.
This morning, he almost sat up.
They will stay here until they are well enough
to move, then we take them to prison camp.
I guess it beats staying
in the hot city all summer.
- Where can I find your commanding officer?
- Probably in the Mess Tent.
You can't miss it
It's big, green, smells like New Jersey.
[Speaking Korean]
- [Speaking Korean]
- [Hawkeye] Hey, hey, hey.
!
The butt stops here.
[Stammers]
## [Humming]
## [Stops]
- [Growls, Blows]
- Hey!
- You're not authorized to use
- Stay out of this
- or this is gonna be your lunch!
- Here, sit down, Major.
- May I get you something cool to drink?
- Turn this on.
- Okay.
Action.
- Huh?
Attention, all vermin!
That's giving you the benefit of the doubt.
I have just discovered
the untimely disappearance
of my May 5 issue
of the Boston Globe
which has obviously
been pilfered
by some member of the pernicious
race of lowlife which infests this pig mire.
- Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp
- [All Groaning]
Above suspicion with the possible
exception of that 80% of you
who are incapable of reading
the English language.
Thus, I retract my previous
magnanimous offer
and none of you cretins will lay one,
slimy paw on any of my papers
until the missing
issue is returned!
Thank you.
Thank you.
[All Groaning]
Can I have some, uh
Help yourself to some breakfast
before we lowlifes steal it all!
Hell hath no fury
like pernicious vermin scorned.
Charles, you just put a whole
shoe store in your mouth.
Winchester, just a hunch
Will Rogers never met you, did he?
- [Sighs]
- Doctor
I was just wondering when the prisoners
will be well enough to travel.
What's the rush?
You'll get your fists on them soon enough.
The one with the stomach wound,
he does not look good to me.
Yeah, well, that's a funny side effect
with people who have holes in their bellies
- they tend not to look too good.
- But he seem
Look, as long as your prisoner is my patient
any medical information concerning him
is none of your damned business.
That patient is in
more danger than you know.
What are you
talking about?
His kidneys,
they are not strong.
- How do you know?
- When he was a small boy, he was very sick.
He is my brother.
- He's your brother?
- My real name is also Kim.
We grew up in the North,
in Pyongyang.
My father, he knew war was coming,
so he sent me to live in the South.
Why wouldn't your father want
to keep the whole family together?
He did not know which side
would win or which side would lose.
By placing a son
on each side
he knew one of us would be
on the side of victory
and would be able
to carry on the family name.
A 50-50 chance of survival.
One way to hedge your bet.
I do not know if any have survived
but my brother.
He is the first one I have seen
in almost two years.
- You mean you haven't even talked to him yet?
- No.
That is not possible.
If I am seen talking to him,
it may appear to my lieutenant
that I am a spy
sent by the North.
And if other prisoners
see my brother talking to me
they will think he is a traitor
and kill him in prison camp.
Can't even talk
to your own brother.
I would tell you
none of this
except I must be sure
he is taken care of.
Why didn't your brother
tell me about his condition?
He does not trust you.
In the North, we are taught
to hate all Americans.
I beg you not to reveal
this to anyone.
No, I won't tell
anybody.
I promise.
I must go.
I've already put my brother
in too much danger.
## [Whistling]
Hey! Hey! What are you
Hey! Come on!
[Grunts]
Oh! Hey!
A brother's biggest problem
ought to be who Dad liked best.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, can you imagine
being in the same
room with your own brother
and you can't even say,
"Hi! How've you been?
By the way, is the rest
of the family still alive?"
Look, before you get any idea about
getting in the middle of this Don't.
- Why not?
- Because there's a good chance
you might get them both shot.
When I come to you for advice,
why do you always give me logic?
[Woman]
Whoo.
!
How are you?
[Clears Throat]
Well, well!
News travels fast.
Charles, you didn't
tell me you were in the paper.
- Is that the missing one?
- No.
It's yesterday's.
This prank is obviously
the work of mindless ***
and I will get you
and Pierce for this!
As ashamed as I am to admit it,
Charles, we're innocent.
Ha! Then who is
responsible for this?
You can narrow it down to anybody after
yesterday's blistering radio editorial.
Pig mire residents
have feelings too, ya know.
Given the nature
of the wrong done to me
I felt that the rhetoric
fit the crime.
All I know is, if I had a rope dealership
around here, I'd be a millionaire.
Charles, why don't you get
back on the P.
A.
- which, in this case,
stands for "Public Apology.
"
- For what possible purpose?
Well, you just might get
your robe and newspaper back.
Ha! Firstly, eh,
I don't need a robe.
I bought a lovely kimono in Tokyo
for my sister Honoria.
Secondly, [Grunts]
The newspaper is no longer the issue.
Revenge is the issue.
Charles, I'm warning you, bury the hatchet
before they use it to chop you to bits.
Never! I did not fire
the first shot in this news war
but, rest assured,
I shall fire the last!
[Charles On P.
A.
] It is 3.
00 a.
m.
And time to play your favorite game show
"*** for Tat.
"
Given thejuvenile behavior
of all you bad little boys and girls
I just know you're all going
to enjoy the following selection.
##[Traditional]
[Man]
Knock that off! .
Shut that off! .
[Overlapping Shouting]
- [Shouting Continues]
- How much longer is this gonna go on?
[Yawns]
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
It'll all blow over
after they kill him.
[Yawns]
You guys were lucky
to be on sedatives
you didn't have to hear
the blues in the night.
[Speaking Korean]
[Speaks Korean]
I guess.
I don't know.
You know, you don't
have to worry about the food.
Believe me, if it was poisoned
it would taste much better.
[Speaking Korean]
- [Clears Throat]
- Oh!
You look very Japanese, Major.
Do you speak the language?
Of course not.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Chuckles]
Oh! [Laughs]
## [Humming]
[Scoffing]
- Hunnicutt.
- Hmm? Oh, Charles.
Somebody was here
for you
but I made darn sure they didn't
touch one of your newspapers.
[Scoffs]
I'll get you I will get you all for this
if I have to steal
a B-29!
- [Screams]
- I don't know, but it shouldn't be too hard
to find a man who's trying
to hide a B-29 under his kimono.
- [Laughter]
- Maybe we should put our tents in a circle.
This must come to an end.
Vengeance is best left to the Lord.
Besides, I can't get into my tent
for all of Winchester's belongings.
- [Laughter]
- Don't worry about it, Father
you're being martyred
for a good cause.
Well, you can laugh,
but there's no place to kneel in there.
- [Laughter]
- [Margaret] You can come to my place, Father.
[Laughter]
[Laughter Continues]
[Engine Revs]
[Revving Engine]
Before you take that tent for a spin,
Major, read this!
[Mouths Words]
If you'd have just gotten
off your big vendetta
and moved on to your
next day's paper
you'd have saved us all
a lot of aggravation!
Col Um.
Ow.
[Potter On P.
A.
]
Attention, people, and that's an order.
I've had it up to
my baby blues with all of ya.
Not only am I putting the "Whoa, Nelly,"
on this tomfoolery
I'm demanding an official apology from
the person who started it in the first place.
!
[Cheering]
I didn't start
I didn't st
Yeah.
Well, uh
[Clears Throat]
It would seem that I have made
an unfortunate
although completely
understandable, error.
Uh, it seems that the May 5 issue
of The Boston Globe
which I logically
assumed to have been stolen
was, in fact,
not delivered that day
to certain areas due to
a wildcat trucker strike.
[Chattering]
I hope you all find that
as wry and amusing as I do.
[Chuckles]
Well, since we're all anxious to forget
this harmless little incident
and return to our normal routine
I guess that's all
there is to say.
- Now may I please have my clothing back?
- [Laughter]
Now, seeing as how we've all
been chomping at the bit for the news
I'm just gonna take
a page from that Fiorello fellow.
Now, then,
here's Li'I Abner.
In the first picture,
we see Ab
and a beautiful Daisy Mae
in her bridal outfit
shorts, halter and a veil
as she finally gets
to utter those immortal words
she's been waiting
so long to say, "I does.
"
[Laughter]
Moving on to the second
picture, we got
Major, close your robe.
!
[Laughter]
No, no, no.
Nothing to worry about.
This won't even tickle.
It's okay.
Doctors, come quickly!
There's something wrong here!
- What's the matter? What is it?
- He's bleeding into his belly.
- We better get him to O.
R.
Right now.
- Gurney!
He's gonna need a lot of blood.
Better be the right type.
You! You know your blood type?
- Blood type"A".
- Perfect.
Cross match 'em to make sure.
- You may have one less prisoner to take in.
- Come with me, please.
Okay, let's get
that needle in right away.
- I do not understand.
The needle isn't
- Shh! Lie quietly.
We don't wanna
disturb the neighbors.
[Speaking Korean]
Talk to your brother.
Tell him he's fine
and anything else
you wanna tell him.
Thank you, Doctor.
[Speaking Korean]
[Sighs]
Unless you need something
else, sir, I'll be leaving.
I'm fine, thank you,
Igor
and thank you for keeping
the Mess Tent open for me.
After that heartfelt apology, Major,
what else could I do?
Hey, Igor,
what's this doing here?
Search me.
Boy! Some people think
this is just a parking lot.
[Engine Starts]
- [Cracking, Ripping]
- [Screams]