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(both laughing)
Jim, you didn't have to
get me all liquored up,
all right? I prescribe
Zerplexa all the time.
And everyone at LifeBio Pharmaceuticals
appreciates your support, Dr.
Stokes.
- (chuckles)
- Oh,
hey, hey
Zerplexa pens.
- Oh!
- (laughs)
All right.
This completes my collection.
Now I have everything
from Adazol to Zerplexa.
Let me ask you something:
have you ever crushed up
some of those Zerplexa
pills and snorted 'em?
No.
Joking, I'm joking.
(chuckles) That is no
laughing matter.
I got to go.
I got to go.
Nice pen.
Best part of being a doctor.
- Really?
- No, actually,
then there's the, uh,
part when you meet a hot woman at a bar
and you get to tell her you're a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
I'm Gretchen.
Last night was amazing.
You had sex with a senior citizen?
Oh, what a delicious, undoable mistake.
How'd this happen?
I'd had too much to
drink, it was dimly lit,
and her makeup was Oscar-worthy.
Will, it sounds like you strapped on a pair
of beer goggles and ran
straight into that cougar cage.
I just want to forget this
whole thing ever happened.
Oh, come on,what's the big deal?
So you did a little
antiquing over the weekend.
Oh, you might want to check the mirror,
you got a little gray curly
stuck between your teeth.
Okay, are you people ready?
Ah, there's my date.
Wow, you look absolutely adequate.
You look like a Kmart mannequin.
I can't believe you guys are
going through with this
whole fake date thing.
Oh, I'm going through with it,
because knowing Linda Altman,
she is only getting married
so that I'm the last single
one from our sorority.
Or she's actually in love.
(scoffs) She'll do
anything to stick it to me.
Well, I will not give her the satisfaction
of showing up alone.
All right, first things first:
did you bring the Laker tickets?
You will get the tickets after the wedding,
that was the agreement.
Now let's go over our story.
We met in?
- St.
Barts.
- First dinner?
- Fish tacos.
- And then we walked on the beach and?
Don't make me say it.
Courtside, Will.
I looked in your eyes and felt a connection
unlike any I had before, it was magic.
Wow, you two crazy kids
may just fake make it.
So, first weekend away from Charlie, huh?
Beautiful Santa Barbara,
nice hotel room.
Too bad you're too pregnant
to actually have any fun.
We're gonna have plenty of fun.
We're gonna sleep in late,
we're gonna order room service
and knock out some medium-hot sex.
Is that even, like, physically possible?
According to this book, How to Have Sex
- When You're Super Pregnant, yes.
- Oh.
(phone chimes)
Oh.
Ah, my mom is
- two minutes away.
- Great.
Soon as we hear her broom
pull up, we'll hit the road.
You guys,
wasn't the ceremony just so stunning?
Meh.
This must have cost a fortune.
I am so glad Lowell and I have been saving.
Well, just think the next
wedding we'll be at is yours.
I know.
(giggles)
And most importantly,
I'll be skinny by then.
(all squeal)
What's with the squealing?
Why do they squeal?
'Cause it's a wedding.
Women love romance.
It's
like emotional ***.
Hey, speaking of romance,
don't say anything to Jules, but
I'm going to surprise her
with a couple of tickets
to India tonight.
I'm taking her back
to the place we first met.
I once surprised Andi
with some new underwear
before our agreed-upon six-month deadline.
Blew her mind.
(phone dings)
But yours is good, too.
Yeah.
Oop.
Got a text.
Room's ready.
Excuse me.
Okay, just got a text.
They brought our bags up to the room.
They even upgraded us
to a handicapped suite,
so you can get in and
out of the tub easier.
Nice.
All right, let's go do it.
- What, right now?
- Yeah,
I figure we have 20 minutes
before the girl comes back
- with the crab cakes, so let's go.
- Okay.
- Katie.
- Linda.
- Mwah, mwah.
- Mwah, mwah.
So glad you could make it.
I thought you'd be alone,
so I put you at the table
with all the cool single ladies.
Yeah, I RSVP'd plus one.
I know, but with you it's always
here today, gone tomorrow.
(laughs)
Anyhey, I want you to
meet my eternal plus-one,
- the love of my life, Michael.
- Pleasure to meet you.
You may recognize him
from the altar where he
said "I do.
" (laughs)
Oh.
(chuckles) And I would like you to meet
the love of my life,
and a doctor, Dr.
Will Stokes.
Hi.
Will.
Kate and I met in St.
Barts over fish tacos.
We are very much in love.
So, what does Michael do?
Does Michael save lives?
He's in commercial real estate.
(chuckles)
I own a Taco Bell.
So, saving lives,
peddling tacos.
Whoa! (chuckles)
Let's go.
Oh, your being a doctor
finally means something.
Now get off.
You know what I'm thinking about right now?
What?
My mother.
Bye, ***.
I just wonder how she's
doing with Charlie, you know?
I miss him.
Hang on, we'll do it right
after I call my mother.
Don't cross those wires.
I believe this belongs to you.
Oh, my God.
What are the chances of
meeting two nights ago in L.
A.
and then here tonight at a
wedding in Santa Barbara?
Slim to none.
And yet here you are.
(chuckles)
What happened to you?
I got out of the shower,
heard the door close,
and then feet running
lightly down the hallway.
Sprinting, actually.
(laughing): Yeah, about that.
I'm sorry, I
The tr The truth is
I have a girlfriend.
I-I have a girlfriend, and we'd broken up,
but then I got a text
from her that morning,
and I-I knew if I stayed, I
wouldn't be able to resist you.
You're the irresistible one.
My God, that tongue of yours.
(deep breath)
I felt like I'd been through a car wash.
This girlfriend, uh,
is it serious?
Very serious.
Too bad,
because this could have
really been something
if not for the girlfriend.
If not for the girlfriend, yeah.
Oh, well, life is cruel.
Gotta go.
Wait,
you bought tickets to India?
Surprise.
I was gonna wait to tell you,
and then I thought,
romantic occasion, romantic gesture.
Lowell, that is a lot of money,
and I thought we agreed
we were gonna save for the wedding.
Well, yeah, but, babe,
imagine riding an elephant to a waterfall
and then making love in that waterfall.
Or imagine having a wedding
in a room with guests
and a caterer.
Okay.
I've gotta say, that's not
the reaction I was expecting.
So what do you want me to do?
Just do you want me
to return the tickets
and just forget about the
romance, the elephant,
and the sex waterfall?
Thank you for not making me say it.
You're the best.
So, did he pick his monkey
pajamas or his truck pajamas?
Rocket ships?
I did not
see that coming.
He didn't go with his regular pajamas.
And then what did he do?
Aw!
And then what did he do after that?
And did he do anything?
Hi.
I'm Michael's friend, Simon.
I couldn't help but notice you
sneering at the bride.
Oh, no, see, that was, um
I swallowed an Altoid.
Personally, I think Michael's
making a huge mistake.
I loathe her.
- I'm Kate.
- Hi.
Why don't I get you a drink?
A *** martini?
How did you know?
I can smell it on your breath.
(laughs)
I'll go get his attention.
Hi.
Uh
I got a little bit of a situation.
I need you to go with me.
The old lady? Gretchen?
She's here.
Well, that is an unfortunate
but enjoyable-for-me coincidence.
I told her I was in
a serious relationship with you, so
lay one on me.
Oh, God
Look, you served your
purpose with Linda Altman
and I'm very grateful,
but I just met a cute guy,
so now our fake relationship
is broken up for real.
Hey, I was there when you needed me.
For Lakers tickets.
Don't cloud the issue.
We met in St.
Barts.
We ate fish tacos.
That's the story we're
sticking with, so get on board.
Uh, hi, I'm Simon.
Who are you?
No one.
Get lost!
ANDI: Okay, I'm sorry about that.
I guess being away from
Charlie for the first time
was a little harder than I thought.
Will you hold this for a second?
- Sure.
- Anyway, I promise
I am not going to talk to my mom
on the phone anymore.
- Really?
- Mm-mm.
Because she and Charlie
are on their way over here.
I booked them an adjoining room.
Great.
So now I'm paying for two hotel rooms
I'm not going to have sex in.
Why don't we just go
home after the wedding?
No, we can't.
My mom's super excited
for a weekend in Santa Barbara.
She'd be super excited
for a weekend in Afghanistan
if she knew it'd make me unhappy.
Whew.
Oh.
Well, look at that.
Seated at the same table.
Again, what are the chances?
Again, slim to none.
You know what I love about this wedding?
The bread sticks.
Uh, there she is
my my girlfriend Kate!
There you are, girlfriend Kate!
Please, help.
I am mildly
terrified of this woman.
So, go home.
I can't.
You're my ride.
Well, that is unfortunate for you,
because I am staying a very long time.
I'm going to go dance with Simon.
(quietly): No, you don't.
If you dance with Simon,
it negates our relationship.
We have no relationship.
I'm not letting you go.
Well, then, you leave me no choice.
(loudly): Will, it's over.
I'm moving on, and you should, too!
Uh but I love you!
(whispering): I hate you.
(groans)
This time, it's your turn
to go through the car wash.
- Cheers!
- (whoops)
Yeah, to your smoking hot wife.
So far, marriage has been awesome.
My life is gonna be so
much more fun from now on!
(laughing)
What?
I was right where you
are on my wedding day.
Where are you now?
Well, seven years in, marriage just isn't
exactly what I thought it would be.
Oh, yeah? What is it?
Well, it's the triumph
of responsibility over
spontaneity, no over yes.
I mean, sure, you can try to
have a little fun on the fly
a last hurrah but the kids,
the wife, the mother-in-law
they always win.
One day, you wake up, and you're just a man
with two hotel rooms,
no sex life and a purse.
Come on, let's go hit on
some drunk chicks.
(laughter)
Dude, I just got married.
Lowell just told Jules that
he's having second thoughts.
Part of me feels terrible.
The other part of me feels like,
wow, somebody actually listens to me.
Bobby, Jules is really upset.
You've got to go talk to Lowell.
You've got to go make this right.
Okay.
Can you at least
hold your purse while I go?
No.
I got to go get more food.
Excuse me, Miss?
This ginger ale is from
the gentleman over there.
Weddings, huh?
You alone?
Apparently.
A pretty lady should never be alone.
Hi.
I'm Brandon Schwartz of
the Woodland Hills Schwartzes.
Ooh.
Tall stool.
(singsongy): What is
on your mind right now?
Old spiders?
Hey.
I've been looking for you.
You got to talk to Jules, Lowell.
Yeah? And say what?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.
I didn't mean it.
You look skinny.
You know, all the greatest hits.
Is that what marriage is all about?
Just telling 'em what they want to hear?
Pretty much.
You know, it's just the old Jules
she would have chosen
waterfalls and elephants
over saving for a wedding.
I'm just
I'm worried she's changing.
Well, you guys are getting married.
Of course she's gonna
change.
You both will.
Yeah, but I don't want
to, and no offense, Bob,
but I don't want your life.
Okay, you're afraid of your wife,
you bought a book on how to have sex,
and you're dancing with a purse.
And then he tells me we're going to India,
like, out of the blue!
- So, he just bought the tickets? Who does that?
- (scoffs)
Right?
I mean, if we're gonna be married,
we have to make these decisions together.
- (sighs)
- I don't know.
It just seems like it
shouldn't be this hard.
Okay, let's take it wide.
You know what I really hate about people?
When you say, "Hi.
How are you?" and
And they actually tell you how they are!
You're supposed to just
say, "Good.
I'm good.
"
- Yeah.
It's an unwritten rule!
- Yeah.
Okay, you know what
- the absolute worst is for me?
- Tell me.
When you get on a plane, and the
person sitting next to you
BOTH: Strikes up a conversation.
I feel flush.
(loud laughing)
(laughing)
Ugh! What is wrong with him?
What?
Nothing.
Sorry.
Not my problem.
Continue.
GRETCHEN: Come on, come
on, come on, come on.
(Kate groans)
Will you excuse me?
I just have a potential
catastrophe to deal with.
Um, just wait here, okay? Yeah, okay.
You know what else I hate about people?
When they can't hold their liquor.
Will! Get over here!
- Kate.
- (scoffs)
- Wow, you look great.
- Ugh!
Will, you cannot sleep
with this woman again.
Why Why not?
Because, you take a car out
once, it's a test drive.
Twice, it's a lease.
And can you really see yourself
in a Gretchen for the next three years?
GRETCHEN (singsongy): I am waiting,
Willie.
I'm coming, Gretchy.
- (laughs)
- Hey!
I want you back.
I want to give us a second chance, so,
sorry, you're out.
(scoffs) You said we were done!
Hey!
Does this feel like we're done?
The good ones are always
either gay or dating a ***.
(grunts loudly)
That was a cold shower.
You're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me
Simon?
Did you eat my cake?
Did you talk to Lowell?
The answer to both questions is yes.
And?
And he still has cold feet.
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you for trying.
I guess they're just gonna have
to figure it out for themselves.
I'm also sorry for what
I said about marriage.
No, I don't care about that.
I complain about you all the time.
You do?
Oh, yeah! To the pool guy,
to you while you're
sleeping, to the FedEx guy,
to the guy that comes
and reads the gas meter.
I think I got it.
Honey, venting is a very
important part of marriage.
You know, the resentment it just
It needs somewhere to go.
It's like you can't have a
fireplace without the chimney.
Speaking of things that fly up the chimney,
where's your mother?
Well, Charlie fell asleep in their room,
so she's in ours watching Pay-Per-View.
Well, as long as she found a way
to spend more of my money, I'm happy.
Want to dance?
Sure.
Oh, no.
- This is gonna be a two-hand job, buddy.
- Okay, ready?
Three, two, one.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now go away.
- You know what else I hate?
- (laughs)
When you see a girl you
like kissing some guy,
and it really bums you out
because you don't know the
whole story until that guy
who turns out to just be
her friend explains
You know what I hate?
When I'm waiting too long for
the guy I like to kiss me.
Oy, when are they gonna throw the bouquet?
Well, hello there.
Dr.
Will Stokes.
I'm a doctor.
Such a pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine.
A doctor, huh?
Well, I'm sorry that I ruined
our romantic time together.
Ah, you didn't ruin it.
We can have it right here right now.
(water splashing)
My water just broke.
Oh, my God, we're gonna have a baby!
(laughs)
Why is the floor all wet?
Somebody needs to come clean this up
(screaming)
Best night ever.
(knocking)
(baby cooing)
Yeah, let him in.
Is that her?
No, Will.
That's a loaner.
She's so beautiful.
I usually find babies
gross, but this one
This one's okay.
You want to hold her?
Oh, no, I'll just take her
out for drinks when she's 16.
God, she's a miracle.
I want to get married, and
I want us to have a baby.
Oh, and I also want to make up.
We should probably do that first.
Um I'm so sorry.
What about all the stuff
you said about spontaneity
and responsibility?
Well, I've just spontaneously realized
I want to be responsible.
Really?
If it means having that
with you, then, yeah,
really.
And how about we go to
India for our honeymoon?
How about we make our life a honeymoon?
Totally.
Our marriage doesn't have
to be like Andi and Bobby's.
No.
Gosh, she's so cute.
And you know who she looks like?
Oh, please don't say your mother.
Never mind.