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This is the story of Carl the Christmas Clown
In the Christmasy land of Christmas town
Lived a very merry Christmas Clown
But nobody wanted him around
He’s Carl, the Christmas Clown
He’d juggle and do magic in his big clown shoes
And all over town you’d hear his
(Carl) WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!
(Narrator) “Shut the *** up!” the townspeople would say
“I wish that *** clown would just go away.”
But all this didn’t bother Carl one bit.
He thought his jokes were always a hit.
(Carl) “Where do you find a Christmas fish?”
“In the Coral Wreath! Hoo-Hoo-Hoo-hoo”
[kids laughing]
Finally the townspeople hatched a great plan
“We’ll have Santa Claus get rid of this man.”
So late one night Santa visited Carl
Can you do me a super huge favor tomorrow?
“I’ve been dying to help!” Carl exclaimed.
“You have no idea”
“Santa, what did you say?”
Oh nothing oh nothing now we haven’t much time.
Just deliver this package and be there by around 8:30.
The next morning Carl got in his clown car
As he drove he wondered why Santa sent him so far.
The point of his mission soon became clear
When he saw a sad orphan trapped way out here.
Oh little Orphan! I’ve got something for you!
[Narrator in a deeper voice] What a coincidence I’ve got something too
Then before Carl could even react
The Orphan reached in his pocket and pulled out his gat.
[gunshots] Pow Pow the shots rang out through the crisp morning air
[gunshots] Pow Pow through Carl’s stomach the bullets did tear.
Carl looked down and saw his belly, a wreck.
[bones breaking] Without hesitation he snapped the boy’s neck.
Carl had been the victim of a really cruel trick
And he said to himself, “Santa’s kind of a ***.”
So he got back in his clown car, and away he did drive
Vowing Santa would not make it through Christmas alive.
Carl arrived back in town killing all in his path
“Now, Christmas town will feel my wrath!”
[knife slicing]
Santa appeared with much fear in his eyes.
“Thank goodness, Carl! I’m so glad you’re alive.”
“Don’t *** with me Santa. You’re going down.
Carl’s the new king of this Christmasy town.”
So Carl pulled out a switchblade and gave it a flick
Then jammed it in the side of Good Ol’ Saint Nick.
The blood trickled out and made all the snow red.
Then Carl took Santa’s cap and placed it on HIS head.
“I’m your boss now ***.” Carl did shout.
[police sirens] But the blare of the sirens drowned Carl right out.
Carl knew that he would never survive in jail
So he came up with a plan that he knew wouldn’t fail.
The Christmas clown made peace his with his God
With a gun under his chin and a wink and a nod
Quick and decisive Carl pulled the trigger
[gun shot]
His brains? They exploded! Blood flowed liked a river.
And that’s why now when children lie in bed Christmas night
The joy in their dreams is replaced by sheer fright
Because there may be an angry clown coming for you
Just listen close for a “Who hoo hoo hoo!!!”
Arrgh! [kids scream in terror]