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NARRATOR:
This summer, prepare for the poorly-directed
movie adaptation of the young adult phenomenon
that isn’t about gay vampires. The Hunger
Games. In a dystopian future, the rich dress
like second-rate Lady Gagas in cities leftover
from Phantom Menace while the poor struggle
for survival in unnecessary shaky cam. But
can still somehow afford futuristic projection
thingies. One girl must choose - between
a short, boring, one-dimensional, worthless
blonde guy and this much hotter dude. In
a world where children are ripped from their
families, and their parents seem oddly okay
with it, she will make the ultimate sacrifice.
KATNISS:
I volunteer as tribute.
NARRATOR:
And enter a life-or-death game where competitors
learn the deadly arts of… lying in rafters,
button pressing, playing with balls, and frosting
decoration.
PEETA:
I used to decorate the cakes down at the bakery.
NARRATOR:
What the hell is this?
KATNISS:
Peeta!
NARRATOR:
Seriously? That is [bleep]-ing ridiculous. A
girl that will enthrall a nation through her
stupid face, cheap -looking CGI fire, and
completely emotionless delivery.
KATNISS:
How do you find shelter? Listen to them. I
told her that I would try to win. How will
they change you?
NARRATOR:
A film that forces two actors with no chemistry
to awkwardly fall in love. Which would have
been far more believable if they would have
cast him as Peeta. I mean, I’m not gay,
but I’d totally [bleep] Gale’s [bleep]. A
future so advanced they can conjure fire and
monster dogs but not food for the poor. The
ultimate game of kill or be killed, except
for these kids who don’t kill each other
for some reason. Who Katniss will outsmart
by hiding in trees, falling from trees, sleeping
in trees and basically being around a lot
of trees. Not starring these important parts
from the book: Katniss' hearing loss, the
avoxes, Peeta's amputation, political and
social satire, the subtle nuances explaining
the relationships between the districts and
the capital, The inner turmoil of Katniss
as she struggles to love Peeta for the sake
of the cameras and the actual hunger. Seriously
they all look very well fed. The Hunger Games.
It’s basically just a rip-off of Battle
Royale. Tell us what movie you'd like to see
as an Honest Trailer and leave a comment with
the word you'd like to hear me say next time
want in my awesome voice. Indubitably. Me
gusta. Derp. Frabbins. Tittie sprinkles. I'm
a little teapot, short and stout, here is
my handle, and here is my spout.