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LINCOLN KID: The government of the people, by the people
for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.
I'm Abraham Lincoln. Thank you.
[applause]
ANNOUNCER: We would now like to welcome our next president to the stage.
I’m the 45th President of the United States: Donald J. Trump.
I’m the father to five kids.
My daughter Ivanka is easily an eight without makeup.
I’ve done many great things while in office.
Here are a few of my favorites.
America! The land of opportunity!
When Mexico threatened your borders,
I built a 300-foot section border wall before realizing
it was completely impractical and impossible to complete as planned.
MEXICO KID: I’m not paying for this!
TRUMP: Neither is the United States Congress!
Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump!
Is it true you’ve had four businesses fail?
When the liberal media hid behind the First Amendment
just so they could say mean things about me,
I loosened the libel laws by executive order.
This is unconstitutional!
That’s what the US Supreme Court said when they
overturned it two weeks later.
Where’s ISIS?!
When terrorists threatened your security and way of life,
I brought back discontinued interrogation methods.
CHAIR KID: This is an ineffective means of information extraction!
That’s what the CIA and national security officials determined too.
I left office in 2020 after losing my re-election bid.
One of my famous quotes is:
“I’ve never seen a thin person drink Diet Coke.”
I’m Donald Trump. Thank you.
[applause]