Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Previously on Weeds:
[GRUNTS]
Mom?
NANCY: The bullet was for me, wasn't it?
You owe me, and you hurt my kid.
You're never getting hurt again. I promise you.
You should be worrying about Stevie Ray.
He's just a baby.
Twenty-five feet, Gayle.
Please help us.
We can't get our weed back without a court order.
I will help you. But first,
I can do this.
[SCREAMS]
Raylene Reynolds. You're Pretty! Cosmetics.
Nice to meet you.
I can sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift.
Oh, no. I can't steal their weed.
Putz.
I've got a crooked *** and no pot?
PILAR: This little milk ball was a mistake
that would end the career of a very promising politician.
I am here to correct that mistake.
[♪♪♪]
I have been replaced as candidate for governor.
Pilar Zuazo.
I want her dead.
[♪♪♪]
Argh!
She's *** on fire.
Four points.
[CHUCKLES]
The newlyweds are annoying.
Weren't lawn darts banned?
When you boys are finished crying, it's your turn.
He's taunting us.
SHANE: He's trying to act like a father. Fathers taunt.
When we went jogging, Dad told me I was so slow,
Stephen Hawking could beat me in a footrace.
Then he collapsed, puked twice, and died.
Who's the better jogger now?
I'm sorry I didn't give you a proper wedding.
Oh, it was perfect.
No, thank you for marrying me.
And thank you for encouraging me about the election.
*** Pilar. You're gonna win.
Throw already, you girls.
WOMAN: Hey, what's wrong with girls?
REYES: Hey.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Whoa, who's that?
Nancy, this is Adelita.
Our stepsister.
Adelita. Wow, hi. Wow.
Of course you forgot I was coming.
Ah, my brain. I'm sorry.
Adelita is in from Paris to look at colleges.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
So-- You're married.
Oh.
Uh, congratulations.
So why is my room decorated like a hospital?
[♪♪♪]
WAITRESS: All right, there you are.
I'm sorry?
I ordered goat cheese. This is ricotta.
You can tell because it's disgusting and flavorless,
and it's cow, not goat.
Cows go, "Moo."
Goats go, "Baaa."
Sheep go, "Baaa."
Shut the *** up, sheep, and bring me the right cheese.
I just attacked a waitress, Raylene. I'm back.
You know, in my whole time at You're Pretty!
I have never seen anyone ascend so fast.
And with such thrust.
I'm just getting started.
I am doing a major push
as soon as I square away some new product.
Well, hot damn.
I am wetter than a slaughterhouse floor.
Ha-ha, you're funny.
Yeah, I'm not kidding.
[♪♪♪]
Lupita.
I haven't pumped. Are you giving him formula?
Sí.
Lupita, I'm breastfeeding.
Two people give you different directions:
One, white woman from suburb,
the other, giant scary Mexican drug kingpin.
Who you listen to?
[PEOPLE SPEAKING SPANISH]
There he is.
Did you tell Lupita to give the baby formula?
Yes.
I'm breastfeeding. You know this.
Peasants breastfeed.
Yep.
First, it's better for the baby.
Actually, some studies suggest
that the toxins you've ingested
will come out in your breast milk.
I should unpack.
[PHONE BEEPS]
You are a politician's wife. We have work to do.
No.
No more formula. Baby, ***.
All right. As you wish, mi amor.
MAN: All babies wanna get born.
WOMAN: Stop killing babies.
Save the babies, don't kill them.
Don't you have to be 25 feet away, Gayle?
Not from you.
What are you doing here?
Pap smear.
Okay, before I climb in that car,
know that one phone call
and assurances that you've cut all ties from Nancy, doesn't--
You unwelded the door.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[PROTESTERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Bye, Gayle.
Fornicators!
[HORN HONKS "DIXIE"]
Read me what we got so far.
"Doug and Dean's big list of ways to get revenge
on that thieving, deceitful ***, Celia."
Mm-hm.
Okay.
You need to be typing everything I say.
My ideas are golden.
Number one:
Tell her she won some ***, and then there's no ***.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Number two: We slip some spider-goats under her door.
Part goat, part spider.
Their milk has Kevlar webs. Look it up.
So they're these tiny little goats?
No, they're big goats with spider genes.
How the *** do we get them under the door?
Good point. Number three.
We kick her in the ***.
We suck at this.
Okay, this is why we can't strategize good, Dean. Pot.
If we're going into battle, we have to have a clear head.
Yeah, but we love pot.
Do you think Ulysses S. Grant was ***
when he won World War I?
Or Gore when he beat global warming?
We're going into battle with a formidable opponent.
We have to be our very best.
Then we can *** that *** up good so she stays *** up.
So for now, we back off the weed.
[♪♪♪]
And how do you have a cell phone?
I always got the newest ***.
What, you want me to hook you up?
No. I'm in the middle of a contract.
Those *** tried to give me a hard time too,
so I had a friend visit the call center
up in Burnsville, Minnesota.
You should mention my name. Ask for Bill Sondergaard.
He'll be the one that sounds like
he's talking through a broken jaw.
Does this mean you're gonna help me with my little problem?
See, now, about that.
Pilar Zuazo, she's Manny Ramirez.
You a peewee league pitcher.
Gotta wonder, what the *** you doing on the mound?
[SIGHS]
Forget it. You can't do ***. You're locked up.
Don't get it twisted, mami, I'm still working.
I'm just telecommuting for now.
Well, can you do it or not?
I don't know. Depends if you can help me out.
Help get my case transferred to Mexico.
Nasty rumor.
It spanned two countries.
Thanks to you, the last of the American agents,
who could testify as to which side I was standing on,
he's dead now.
So?
So I need someone more high level Mexi-juice
to help get my case transferred there.
And then what?
Then I'm David Blaine in Mexico.
I slide under doors in Mexico.
[SIGHS]
You're not gonna come after me?
Blanca, we're like one of those YouTube videos.
You know, where a tiger and a duck get all confused,
they, um, become friends, and, you know, it seems okay,
but you never really know, do you?
[♪♪♪]
God, I hated anatomy.
Memorizing all 206 bones in the body is not easy.
Wow, your hands feel good.
That's my fibula.
Oh, yeah.
Wonderful, interesting things.
Okay. Silence.
But I was gonna tell you about Yemen.
Patella.
Mm-hm.
Andy.
I know.
Femur.
Trochanter.
Femoral neck.
Femoral head.
Oh, God.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
This is what I do.
So just, you lay back.
This is embarrassing.
Never mind.
Look, I've been single for a while,
so my, uh, battery-powered helpers
have made it difficult-- Mmph!
[BOTH PANTING AND MOANING]
Who the--?
That didn't shoot out of you, right?
That's Gayle. He followed us. ***.
Whoa.
He brought some friends. Holy sh-- God.
No use.
I knew it was a bad idea having you pick me up.
Gayle has a thing for me.
If you love something, throw tomatoes at it.
Oh, now I'm gonna have to move again.
I'm always moving.
They find out where I live and I move again.
They're dangerous, Andy.
[THUDDING]
Stay with me while you figure out your move.
What?
I got a big house.
You get your own room.
Me and the General got you into this, so...
[LOUD THUMP]
Just-- W-why don't you think about it, okay?
Oh, God. What are you doing?
If you don't climax, the terrorists win.
Can't let that happen.
A Baja federal judge is holding it up.
Well, can you ask him to un-hold it?
You should not have been visiting
Guillermo Garcia-Gomez in jail.
We have a history.
I'd come and visit you too.
Smuggle in gold chains and shiny shirts.
Oh, hi, honey. Can I make you something?
You know how to make beer?
You're not having any more beer.
That was a special occasion.
I know.
I'm kidding.
Like it or not, we all have to work together now.
It's for our own safety.
Why don't you stick to breastfeeding?
Well, *** you. Just do it.
Good.
And you can't kill him. If anyone gets hurt,
I'm telling Esteban how you tried to shoot me.
His heart will break.
I'm good at killing.
No killing.
Life's a drag.
Oh, come on.
Big baby.
[IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING]
Choo-choo!
Seriously, tell me why we're really here or I'm leaving.
Well, now that I'm a giant success,
I wanna pamper myself.
And I want to extend the pampering experience
to my child, whose company I enjoy.
She'll take a bottle of the Sebastian Shaper Spray.
'Cause she's my salon buddy.
Wait, fine, fine. Fine.
I want to apologize.
When you told me you were gay, I didn't react well.
You told me you would take my rug-munching ***
to reparative therapy.
Well, that was old Mommy.
I'm new Mommy.
New Mommy is a nice mommy.
Anyway, I thought maybe you could, you know,
tell me a little bit about it.
About being lesbionic.
You know, what do you do?
I don't know.
I've only done the-- The kissing part.
Was that weird?
Kissing a girl?
Was it soft? Was it good soft, like a puppy,
or was it bad soft, like rotten fruit?
Oh, God. Oh, am I gonna have to get a strap-on?
No, no, no. No. No. No.
Okay. I was just thinking about it.
I'm not--
Just don't be so selfish.
Mommy's lonely.
There's this woman out there right now
who thinks that I am the cat's meow.
Cat, ***.
Already doing the *** humor.
You're not gay, Mom.
Well, what if I am?
There was that Tracy Chapman song that I liked.
New Mommy is still a hateful ***.
Come on. I thought may--
It would bring us closer, you know?
Here you go.
[SIGHS]
So, what about you?
You ever get on down to girly town?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hi.
I left clean sheets and towels on your bed.
Thanks.
This looks amazing.
[BOTH PANTING]
[PLATES CRASHING]
Ungh! Holy crap.
I mean, what were you doing?
It felt like there were eight of you.
Trade secret. Can't tell you.
No. Okay.
Yes, please.
Oh, God, my head.
Throw me the aspirin.
You've had like 14 already. You'll ruin your kidneys.
*** my kidneys. What did those *** ever do for me?
And I swear, if you tell me they clean my poop
or whatever stupid *** they do, I will kill you.
I-- I will kill your face off.
Then have some food, at least.
Food is stupid.
Just read me what else we have up there.
We have nothing.
Everything is lame.
Have my feet always been this huge?
Jesus Christ.
It's like I'm a clown in a circus.
My dad took me to the circus once when I was 6 years old,
and, backstage, the ringmaster touched my tent pole.
What? Where did that come from?
I don't know.
Why am I remembering that now?
I don't wanna remember that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Being sober's ***.
You stay sober.
Then we get *** in shifts.
One will stay sober, and the other will smoke.
And then we'll switch.
But what if one of us has a really great idea
and the other one is too *** to get it?
Well, then we'll write each other notes.
Like Memento.
*** it, show me what you were doing.
No.
Here? You're doing something to that, right?
I don't even know what that is.
That then?
Oh, no. I'm gonna address that later.
Actually, you know what? I'm gonna address that right now.
Oh. Hey, Adelita.
I was just heading for a night swim.
Wanna join me? Big pool.
What are you reading?
It's, um, Milan Kundera,
The Book of Laughter and Forgetting.
So that's like a self-help thing?
Uh, huh.
Sort of. Who are you reading now?
Um, I'm between books right now.
Can you recommend something you've really enjoyed?
I'll make you a list.
Cool. Thanks.
And, hey, welcome to the villa.
I grew up here.
SILAS: Oh.
Thanks.
Enjoy your swim.
Oh, hello, Nancy.
You know, I'm just gonna come out and say this.
Um, Silas can be very charming,
but he's still a guy, and you're in high school.
My lover is 32 years old.
He's a journalist.
Your boy is not a dangerous temptation for me,
so no need to worry.
How's my little brother tonight?
Um, being a stubborn Gus.
He won't latch.
He probably likes the formula.
Well, formula doesn't come out of my ***, so he's out of luck.
Okay.
You know, we don't really know each other.
Why don't we go to lunch or...?
That's sweet of you, Nancy
but I'm not terribly invested in my father's love life.
Thanks, anyway.
This is amazing.
What am I eating?
Grilled flank steak with red chard,
currants and homemade harissa.
I love this peach fuzz.
I'm flawed. I have a pelt.
You are perfect,
'cause you're flesh and blood and organs and bones,
and you can name all of them.
You're so cool.
Well, you cook like a ***.
I wanna ***.
[♪♪♪]
[CRYING]
Your fault.
You try putting tequila on your tetas?
[MEN LAUGHING]
There's breast milk in the freezer.
Give him a bottle.
And no tequila on the ***.
It's Nancy.
[LAUGHING]
How I love this woman.
The people have spoken.
La Paz, Tecate, Ensenada, Loreto. Everywhere.
They support Esteban Reyes
for governor of Estado Libre y Soberano de Baja California.
My big, handsome governor.
Oh, yes.
Mm.
Cesar, another drink.
The American political strategists
think they can get some real money rolling in.
Clean money.
What sound?
Pilar Zuazo crying. Ha.
I am reborn.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Where is my daughter?
[LAUGHS]
I hear Silas tried to hit on her.
Why--? Why is that so funny to you?
He's not, um, exactly in her division.
"League." I think you mean "league."
W-why is he not in her league?
Uh, you want our children to be involved with each other?
No. I'm just surprised you'd be so dismissive of my son.
No, no, no. He's a nice, simple boy.
I hope so.
I sent her to France to get that stick there.
[LAUGHS]
Now Adelita speaks three languages
and is going to Stanford or Berkeley in a year.
You kept your boys close to you,
no matter what you were involved in.
Who made the better choice?
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
I hope Cesar feels like cuddling tonight.
Governor of the sofa bed.
Wait. What? Na--
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
Cesar?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
So that was fun. Shopping.
Trying on clothes.
Buying some.
That's, uh, what we did.
[♪♪♪]
So strap-on,
how does that work?
Don't worry, honey. We'll get to that.
Oh, hey.
I was looking for gauze.
I needed to change my bandage.
Oh, hey, well, why don't I help you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't think anyone was in here.
There are like seven bathrooms.
You just don't want Adelita to know you ***.
Shut up. Nasty.
What are you reading, a book?
Yeah. So?
Can you hurry up, please?
[RUSTLING, DRAWER CLOSES]
Light in here sucks.
I'll do the rest myself.
Uh! Spider-goats. Ooh!
Damn it, it was your shift.
***, it was your shift.
Jesus.
Clean yourselves up.
Do I have something on my face, sweetie?
You two idiots wanna get back at Mom, right?
All right, then.
Let's do this right.
[♪♪♪]
Don't worry. I'll sleep in the guest room.
When Stevie's old enough,
I want him to go far away from here.
There will be nothing to run from.
I can beat Pilar's clown.
I *** up my kids.
We'll fix them.
You know, I've been reading about formula,
and I've changed my mind.
You should feed him from your body.
Keep him close.
Well, he doesn't want my milk anyway.
Maybe Adelita's right. Maybe I'm toxic.
It's not. You're not toxic.
You're his mother.
Come here.
We will be patient, and he'll take your milk again.
[SIGHS]
Look.
The consultants set up a Twitter for me.
To connect with the people.
I already have 3000 followers.
We're opening my campaign office in Tijuana tomorrow.
Would you come?
Oh, look. Govlover22 thinks you're hotter than Gavin Newsom.
Well, what can I say? The people have spoken.
I did what you asked.
Already?
You didn't hurt him?
No, he found himself the subject
of potentially embarrassing photos.
Javelina.
It's like a pig.
I admire the originality.
And he'll push the transfer through.
He could win this.
We can beat Pilar's man.
Look at him. It's what he's meant to be doing.
Yes, it is.
[SIREN WAILS]
[MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
[GUNS COCKING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[IN SPANISH]
Esteban Reyes.
MAN [IN SPANISH]:
COP:
[♪♪♪]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]