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So, after careful consideration and, let's face it, a moral awakening for me, I've determined that "Twilight" is in fact the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE! This is the season finale of "Movie Night"!
*theme song plays*
Hello, and welcome to this, the last episode of season one of "Movie Night." I'm your host, Jonathan Paula. I can't wait to start talking about this film any longer. It is absolutely one of the best films ever made!
And, of course, I'm talking about "Twilight"! Released in 2008, this romantic-fantasy film based on the Stephenie Meyer novel grossed an absolute crapload of money from *** teenage girls looking to fantasize about Robert Pattinson's gorgeous face.
Combined with DVD sales, this epic cinematic masterpiece of broodingly handsome vampires grossed over a half-billion dollars. And, quite frankly, it should come of no surprise to you, since everything about this movie is absolute perfection...
Gotcha! April Fool's! But actually, all kidding aside, and no joke here, no April Fool's joke, "Twilight" isn't actually that awful. So, let's continue with the review just the same, in this sarcastic tone, because it's a lot funnier that way.
The first in an eventual trilogy of movies, "Twilight" is the story of 17-year-old Bella Swan, who, besides being total jailbait, moves to a small town in Washington state to live with her father, and to have premarital relations...
...With a 126-year-old bloodsucking vampire. Played with just the right amount of constipation in her facial expressions by Kristen Stewart, Bella, during her first day of high school, bumps into her beautiful co-star...
...And the only person in the movie who can actually act, Oscar nominee Anna Kendrick, who plays some dateless loser nerd at Forks High School.
Later, Bella meets Pattinson's character, Edward Cullen, a pale-faced loner who is more awkward around Bella than "24"'s Chloe O'Brien on her menstrual cycle.
With a look on his face that screams, "I need to take a wicked poop right now," Edward skips out of town for a week, and, by the time he returns, Bella is seemingly in love with him.
Poorly written and acted from the outset, Edward's character is pretty much average. A vampire for over a century, he is able to expertly disguise his true identity, blend in with fellow teenagers, and win over the love of the human Bella.
That is, of course, until she does about an hour of research on Google and discovers that he's really a vampire. But don't worry- he doesn't bite humans.
Plus, he also has the ability to read minds, invoke a motion-blur effect on command, and sparkle in the sunlight! As cheesy and as ***-whipped as the vampires in "Twilight" are, I found this movie to be actually kind of guiltfully enjoyable.
Sure, the acting is godawful at times, the special effects need a lot of work, and these vampires are nothing like Count Orlok from "Nosferatu." But I actually found myself caring about the outcomes of the characters in this story.
There is nothing impressive about a single aspect of this movie, but for what it's trying to accomplish, namely being a romantic fantasy film involving vampires for teenage girls, it definitely succeeds here.
The story itself of a vegetarian vampire falling in love with a pasty underage girl is also one of the more original plots Hollywood has adapted in a while.
Well, that's what I thought about "Twilight", for good or for bad. So, now, let's take a look at what you guys had to say, which was rather negative, in the YouTube comments.
Jon: GourmetCandyChef wrote... (reads GourmetCandyChef's comment)
Jon: JRFWhatIsItNow wrote... (reads JRFWhatIsItNow's comment)
Alright, our scores seem to be all over the place for this one, so let's fire up the Rate-o-Matic and see how "Twilight" did.
A "5" and a "1"! In a rare instance, my score is actually significantly higher than yours! "Twilight" wasn't a great movie by any means, but I also didn't think it was nearly as horrible as so many of you were saying.
It may have been awkward at times, the special effects might have been bad, and the story might have been corny, but I was actually able to enjoy a little bit of this film it for what it was. I had to score it an "alright".
You folks vehemently insulted this film, hating everything from the sparkly vampires to Stewart's atrocious acting, scoring it a "garbage", the lowest score possible.
But enough with "Twilight." Let's move on to the last film of season one here on "Movie Night", and one we all agreed on. The original "Rocky", written by and starring Sylvester Stallone in the title role, was released in 1976.
It also won the Best Picture award that year. Not only did composer Bill Conti's famous "Gonna Fly Now" theme song reach #1 on the Billboard charts, "Rocky" also grossed $225 million on just a $1 million budget...
...To this day making it one of the most profitable movies ever created. By now you know the story- Rocky Balboa is a loan shark and boxing enthusiast on the mean streets of Philadelphia.
He is awkwardly trying to win the affection of pet shop worker Adrian Pennino when he gets the opportunity of a lifetime. Heavyweight champion Apollo Creed decides to select a local unknown boxer at random to fight for his belt on New Year's Day.
Thanks to his now-famous nickname "The Italian Stallion", Rocky is the local boxer Creed decides to fight. Rocky then spends the entire movie training for this fight by way of musical montage.
He's trained by spunky cranky gym owner Micky Goldmill, portrayed by Burgess Meredith, like no other actor could have. Simultaneously, Rocky and his adorably loveable womanizing skills attempt to win over the affection of Adrian, played by Talia Shire.
Although it's the definite "B" plot to all of the "Rocky" films, this love story is not to be overlooked. It is one that is painfully realistic at times, as well as being a relationship you can't help but smile at.
Burt Young plays Paulie Pennino, who is both Adrian's older, overprotective brother and Rocky's best friend. Paulie, like every character in this movie is an absolute treat.
He's a funny, realistic, empathetic, and memorable character who I'm glad returned for all five sequels. As the film's writer, Stallone has to get all the credit for this movie.
He created characters who are so realistic, lovable, and inspiring that anyone who watches this film will be cheering out loud for them in the final scenes. The build-up to Rocky's final fight with Apollo Creed...
..Is perhaps one of the greatest middle-acts in cinematic history. The epic montages of Rocky charging the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art to "Gonna Fly Now" are so engrained in the psyche of the audience that...
...Hundreds of people to this day still run those steps, their arms raised over their heads in memoriam to a fictional character now over 30 years old.
And the heavyweight fight itself is a masterfully woven conclusion to an amazing story of the inspiring underdog who rises to the occasion from the ashes and achieves the impossible.
"Rocky" is the epitome of the "feel-good" movie, one you won't mind watching over and over again. And it's certainly a big help that all five sequels are similar achievements in cinema, each one more impressive than the last...
Well, except for "Rocky V", but that was still decent. As far as sports movies go, "Rocky" is the crown jewel, a wonderful film that everyone can enjoy.
Well, that's what I thought about this epic masterpiece of cinema. Now, let's see what you guys had to say in the YouTube comments.
Jon: OriginalLawnmower wrote... (reads OriginalLawnmower's comment)
Jon: LancerEvo10Fan wrote... (reads LancerEvo10Fan's comment)
Okay, let's go out with a *** here, and send "Rocky" up the Rate-o-Matic.
A double "amazing"! And it isn't a real big surprise, with almost half of you guys rating this movie a perfect "10." And while "Rocky I" isn't even my favorite out of the 6 films, I can't think of a single thing I don't like about it.
I have to score it a "10", as well. It's an absolute perfect movie. You have to see it. That does it for our full-length reviews for this, the first season of "Movie Night." But we still have time for some Tweet Critiques, so let's take a look at those.
Jon: MydnyteFantasy Tweeted... (reads MydnyteFantasy's Tweet)
Jon: RogelioQ Tweeted... (reads RogelioQ's Tweet)
Well, that does it for this week and the first season of "Movie Night." Thank you so much for joining me these past 21 weeks. Film has always been a passion of mine, and I was excited to create this show and share my thoughts with you each and every week.
I'm so grateful that you've allowed me to do that, but it does take me roughly 12 hours of work to create each episode of "Movie Night", and unfortunately, I'm still not seeing some of the higher view counts I would have hoped for this show.
Also, YouTube has been a bit of a pill, rejecting some of my episodes for revenue sharing because they don't understand the concept of fair-use copyright law.
So, I'm going to take a few months off to focus on other projects, and hopefully, season 2 of "Movie Night" will be back in the summer, big and better then ever, with a few changes.
We're going to be in 1080p high-definition. I'm thinking of doing more current reviews, using movies that are in theaters, and there may be shorter episodes. We might split them up and do 1 movie per video instead of 2, having 2 postings per week instead.
But if you have any changes you'd like to see or have any suggestions on things you'd like to see me add or remove from the show, please let me know in the comments down below.
During the hiatus though, I hope you'll continue to follow me on Twitter and/or Facebook, so we can continue our weekly discussion on movies over there. Please keep using the #JPMN hashtag in your Tweets.
I'm going to keep using it when I see movies in theaters, and I hope you will, too. But until then, I hope you keep watching the other videos we have on the channel here.
I look forward to seeing you for season 2. Once again, thank you so much for joining me. My name is Jonathan Paula. Goodnight.
*end credits play*