Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> MAC: So what if I didn't go to college?
John McClane didn't go to college.
He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street
smarts.
>> DENNIS: Mac, you do realize John McClane's a fictional
character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who
almost certainly went to college.
>> DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that
supports Mac's argument.
>> Yeah!
>> Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.
And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to
believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore
are not going to get selected for this intelligence
experiment.
>> Welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this
intelligence experiment.
I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.
>> I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said
"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.
>> Volunteering's for suckers.
>> Yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in
compensation.
>> DEE: There you go.
>> That's what we're talking!
>> Hey. That's more like it.
Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think
you'll find that I am your man.
>> Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
>> I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with
brainpower.
But you and me, we know different, huh?
>> Uh, "you and I."
>> What? No, not you and I.
Him and I, idiot.
>> In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will *** one or both
of you.
>> Dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition
like that from someone like you.
>> To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with
superior intelligence.
In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.
Excuse me for a minute.
I'm sorry, wait, wait!
That's a... sorry.
What are you doing?
>> CHARLIE: I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your
rat problem.
>> Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab
rat.
His name's Armitage Shanks.
If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.
And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement
formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.
We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.
What would you think about something like that?
A pill that could make you seven times smarter.
(Armitage Shanks squeaking)
>> Cheese, huh?
Yeah, all right.
(buzzer sounds) Ow! ***!
>> What's your name, young man?
>> It's Charlie.
Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.
(buzzer sounds) Aah! ***!
>> Why don't you try the cheese under the green light, Charlie?
>> I want this cheese.
(buzzer sounds)
Aah!
>> Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.
Thank you all very much for coming.
Thank you all very much for coming.
Thank you all very much for coming.
>> Aw, Frank, you're intruding upon my education.
>> This is crazy, Charlie.
That's crazy.
>> Aw, shut up.
>> Whoa, what the hell is this?
What are you doing, man?
>> Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven
at the same time.
You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste
to only listen to one thing.
>> Let me guess this straight.
You just realized that you have
two ears?
>> Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.
>> I don't know about that, Frank.
I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.
>> Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.
You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?
Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic
case...
>> BOTH: ... of the placebo effect.
>> I considered that, but I don't think that's it, Dennis.
>> Whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo...
>> Placebo means from the Latin "placebo," meaning "I shall
please."
I listened to a chapter on that this morning.
>> This is...
>> Such ***?
>> I wasn't gonna say...
>> Gonna say that?
>> Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't
make you s-s-s...
>> BOTH: Intelligent.
>> Oh!
(Charlie laughs) >> Guys, guys, we've got a huge
problem back there.
>> Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.
>> Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you
hop on that, and be smart about it.
>> Good pleasantry, cute.
How about no?
>> What do you mean "no"?
>> How about you kill the rat?
You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,
and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.
That be nice. Let's do that.
>> What are you talking about?
>> A week? To kill a rat?
Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about?
>> You have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat,
dude.
>> Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.
♪ ♪ >> Oh, and then I realized,
Tang-See, that these so-called friends of mine have been
exploiting my labor for years.
>> An astute observation.
Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the
proletariat.
>> It completely conforms when you think about it.
Ah, Tang-See, these-these pills are having quite
an effect on me.
And the combination with my readings is really leading me
into some rather large ideas.
I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.
>> Yes.
The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.
>> Exactly, right?
Now, Tang-See, let's-let's talk for a second.
What do you think my IQ is now?
And be honest.
>> Well, what do you think it is?
>> 175?
>> Wow.
>> You know. Probably, yeah.
Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break
200 easily.
>> You have to be careful, Charlie.
This is uncharted waters here.
Have you been having any side effects?
>> Yes. Okay, yes.
There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.
My-my legs grow numb from time to time.
I ache all over if I'm being honest, but...
(door opens) >> I got Mongolian barbecue and
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.
>> Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, I got to stop you.
Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm
sorry, man.
>> But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.
>> Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...
>> What?
>> I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking
here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games
anymore, nor should you.
>> We're the Gruesome Twosome.
>> You don't have to keep saying that, I know...
(Frank grunting) The sound effects won't
help you.
>> The Gruesome Twosome.
(Frank grunting) >> They don't further your
argument in any way.
(Frank grunting) (speaking Mandarin)
>> You speak Mandarin?
>> Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.
(both speaking Mandarin) (both laughing)
(both speaking Mandarin) (rat squeaking)
>> Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located him-- he's right near the hole.
>> Oh, good, let me bash him!
>> No, no, no... (shushes) Oh, *** it.
He scurried away.
>> All right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him
up good.
>> No, no, Mac, come on.
We're smarter than that.
That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the
place.
It's not about brute force.
It's about seduction.
See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little
guy.
And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.
>> ♪ And I want you here With me
♪ From tonight until The end of time
You should know... ♪ >> Hey, you guys catch that rat
yet?
>> Any minute now, Dee.
>> I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.
I have come up with the intelligent solution.
Ultrasonic rodent repellant.
It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat
eardrums.
Stupid rats.
>> Uh, those things don't work, Dee.
>> Oh, no?
Okay, how about we do a little wager.
The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.
The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am
crowned the smartest in the...
Oh, God, gross.
Is that cheese?
Get it off me!
Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!
You guys!
>> You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a
rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.
>> Now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide
her hand right out, but with those giant man hands...
>> Yeah, you really don't stand a chance, Dee.
>> Okay, I get it.
(rat squeaking) Do you hear that?
I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!
It's coming to eat its cheese.
You guys, help!
>> Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat
scarer, Dee.
>> Guys! It's on me!
It's on my hand!
Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.
>> Now, where this gets interesting is when the rat
finishes the cheese.
>> Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody
stump, then she could just slide it right out.
>> Hey.
>> Ah, *** it, it's gone.
It ate its cheese and then it ran away.
It didn't get stuck to the glue.
>> Huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave
it credit for, Mac.
>> Hmm.
>> He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.
Is he fine?
He's fine.
All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady
Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.
He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you
know?
>> Hmm.
(high-pitched ringing) >> God.
>> Are you all right?
>> Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.
Jot that down, please.
(speaking Mandarin) Huh?
Yes, I heard-heard the words.
>> I'm learning Mandarin.
It means "You got that right."
>> Yes, Frank, I got what right, though?
>> The thing about the cripple.
>> What cripple?
Why are you speaking?
>> Stephen Hawking.
>> Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.
>> But I didn't know what I was gonna say.
I had to look it up.
>> You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the
problem, isn't it?
(speaking Mandarin) >> Say that again?
(Charlie speaking Mandarin) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...
Go slower.
>> Frank, I cannot go slower for you!
Checkmate, Tang-See, wake up.
Open your eyes, listen.
I cannot go slower.
Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical
level, the pataphysical level.
Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,
and-and really, my-my...
(high-pitched ringing) (groaning)
>> What?
You got a pain?
Charlie, I'm telling you.
Those pills are no good for you.
They're hurting you, those pills.
They're turning you into someone you're not.
(Tang-See speaking Mandarin) Shut up!
>> (laughing): Okay, okay.
Don't get cute, Tang-See, you're not much smarter than he is.
Checkmate.
>> Well, you know, it-it, uh... hmm...
>> Try jerking it again.
>> *** it, I mean, I've *** it so many times.
I've *** and squirmed and squiggled.
>> This is crazy.
I mean, we should be able to figure this out.
>> Ooh, oh!
What about gasoline?
Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the
glue.
>> You are a brilliant man, yes!
Try it.
>> Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.
That's basic chemistry.
Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.
>> Oh. Yeah.
>> Yeah, all right. Oh, we got to be careful though because
gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme
caution.
>> Of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline
willy-nilly.
>> It's gonna work.
>> Okay.
>> And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and
just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie
likes to keep *** in here sometimes.
>> That's true, he does do that.
>> Mm-hmm.
(sniffs) >> Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...
(whoops) >> Let me double check because,
you know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.
>> You want to...?
>> Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.
(sniffs) >> Oh, oh, Christ, that's good
stuff... that's high-test.
>> Can I get a toot down here?
>> Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.
(sniffs) >> Ooh, guys, yes.
>> Are you sure it's gasoline though?
I should just try it again.
(Dee whoops) Jesus, Jesus!
That's gasoline.
>> All right, let's blast off.
Engage thrusters, Captain.
>> Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.
>> Holy ***.
>> As long as we're blasting.
>> You know what?
Let's pop off on this *** a little bit, then let's get back
to business.
>> Yeah, okay.
>> This is making me feel...
>> Oh, ***, there he goes.
(rat squeaking) >> Oh, he's a squirrely little
***, isn't he?
>> You son of a ***.
>> He's making I and you look dumb.
>> Yeah... uh...
"I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I.
It was you and I?
You and I...
>> Me and you look dumb.
>> (laughs) Dumb.
>> It's got to be...
>> Dumb is a funny word.
>> ...me and... Dumb is a funny word.
>> Dumb.
>> Dumb.
>> Pass the gas.
>> Dumb.
>> Pass it, pass it.
>> Pass the gas.
(all laughing) (Charlie speaks quietly)
(scoffs) (laughs)
>> Oh, yeah, you're reading now?
Since when do you read?
>> Oh, hello, hello.
Uh, well, I was just glancing at War and Peace, and let me
tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.
"Brevity is the soul of wit."
Which, uh...
Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or
is, uh... What is this?
What are you doing?
>> I'm having dinner with you.
>> I see, you've lifted the restraining order?
>> Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to
be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.
>> Ah, I see.
>> Do you? 'Cause I don't.
I didn't ask questions though.
>> Well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it?
Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but
I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.
I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better
suited for those interests, so understandably Frank is feeling
somewhat marginalized.
Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes
that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me
away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,
been pulling me away from Frank as of late.
>> What now?
>> Frank's using you to get to me.
How are you? Never mind.
Moving on. Beaujolais?
Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.
That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.
So, uh, tell me about yourself.
Are you quite well these days?
>> Well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss,
like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.
I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am,
and I'm like, "That doesn't define me, dude, okay?
(high-pitched ringing) Like, I'm saving up to open
my own nail salon."
(distantly): And I have come up with all of these great names
for a nail salon.
Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger
Fantasy.
And I've been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot because it's a
show that takes place in salons.
Finger Fantasy.
Finger Fantasy.
I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over...
Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.
And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot, because it's
a show that takes place in...
(jaunty music plays) (cat yowls)
>> Yeah, see?
The mouse always wins.
There's... there's, like, no winning with mices.
>> Cat keeps getting hurt.
>> He gets hurt.
>> Well, it's dangerous, yeah.
>> What the hell are you guys doing?
>> We're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how
kitty cats deal with their rat issues.
>> If Charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.
He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.
(TV switches off) Charlie is our foundation.
Where does a foundation belong?
>> Yes.
>> On top.
>> On the bottom.
>> Oh.
>> On the bottom.
>> We gotta go grab Charlie and drag him back down into the
sewer where he belongs.
>> Oh...
>> Well, well...
>> I can't, see, I've been outsmarted by a rat and right
now I'm stuck on its glue trap.
>> Did you try the gasoline, loosening it?
>> All over it.
That didn't work, but you know what does work?
Breathing it in.
(laughs) >> Deandra, are you holding onto
the trap?
>> No.
>> Oh, I don't... I don't know.
>> Let go of the trap.
(trap clatters to floor) (laughing)
>> No...
No.
>> That's so stupid.
>> All right, come on.
We gotta go get Charlie.
>> Uh, no, no.
>> We'll do it. We'll...
>> Let's do it tomorrow.
>> We'll nap first.
>> I'm gonna go to sleep.
>> Could you turn the TV back on?
>> Tomorrow's good.
♪ ♪ >> Ladies and gentlemen, you're
about to see the results of a bold experiment in human
intelligence.
>> He's totally different.
Totally different person.
>> We'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find
him a rather incredible specimen.
Tang-See.
(whirring) >> (raspy): Ah...
>> What is happening?
>> (British accent): Thank you, Tang-See, my-my dear,
dear friend.
(clears throat) A simple pill...
ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought
so clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft
cheese and led him to an invention.
>> Is he doing an accent?
>> Yeah.
>> Every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of
being and understanding our world.
This invention-- my invention-- will change everything.
For the better, one hopes.
But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?
(laughing) (coughing)
You must excuse me.
I've grown quite weary.
>> Come on.
>> Finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.
We have the means, the understanding, the technology...
to allow spiders to talk with cats!
(audience gasps, exclaims) (murmuring)
(cat meows) >> Our exploration into the
effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a
complete failure.
Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and
consistently reinforced by my assistant Tang-See did not, in
fact, make the test subject smarter.
It did, however, yield fascinating results.
Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.
>> The subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned
Mandarin in two days.
>> Tang-See!
(speaking Mandarin gibberish) >> Again, this is complete
gibberish.
The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.
>> ...plus nine equals box.
All right?
That's where the cat goes.
>> And in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all
interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years,
because of her perceived stupidity relative to himself.
>> Perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects
that he believed himself to be having.
Uh, debilitating aches and pains.
It was all-all in his mind.
>> Huh.
Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so...
I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.
>> Placebo.
>> Pla-ce-bo.
(chuckles) Which is, of course, a...
a funny-sounding word.
>> That is a funny word.
>> It's pretty funny, yeah.
"Placebo."
"Placebe."
>> Placido Domingo.
(laughing) >> Police Academy.
(laughs) Which is a good movie, Frank.
>> It is a good movie, Charlie.
>> You want to go back and watch it?
>> With all my heart.
>> Please, can you not interrupt the lecture?
We're still, uh...
>> What is the point of this stupid, dumb-*** experiment
anyway?
>> Yeah, like, was he smart or not?
I don't even get it.
>> Uh, I don't think so.
Was I smart, sir?
>> No.
Again, um... if you could let us finish the lecture, and...
>> You stupid science *** couldn't even make my friends
more smarter.
(laughs) >> Hey, you're right!
Stupid science *** couldn't even make I more smarter.
All right, let's get out of here.
>> Hey, Charlie!
>> Police Academy.
>> Police Academy is an awesome movie.
>> Mahoney!
Mahoney's my favorite character.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org (trio chanting backwards)