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Flunk your television. Flunk your rigid social conformity. Flunk your witch hunts. Flunk
your ritual slaughter of innocence. Flunk your blank stare in the face of tragedy. Flunk
your self-obsession with the duck face and the heavy make-up and the sexy photographs
you post to Instagram all day long. Oh flunk. I think I might be a peedo creeper. I told
myself to keep that stuff on the down low, somebody call my therapist. But anyway, I
digress. Flunk your objectification of women. Flunk your luxury cruise past third world
shanty town desperation. Flunk your mild indifference to the industrial *** of the natural world.
Flunk your justifications of ***, except for Osama Bin Laden. Flunk that guy straight
to prison romance hell. Flunk your pope. Flunk your messiah. Flunk your prophet. Flunk your
numerology. Flunk your predetermination. Flunk your lottery ticket false hope. Flunk your
drinking, your smoking, and your drug abuse. You can call it self-medicating all you want.
But we both know it's just plain old abuse. And flunk that unqualified self-regard upon
which I hope you chokeity gag choke monster gag me choke chokey. Also, flunk your fat
smiling enlightenment. Of course Buddha was happy. He was rich and well fed in a world
of abject poverty and starvation. I mean Jesus Christ and Kurt Cobain. Give me a break already.
Ha-ha. I mean, I pick on him, but he was actually a pretty smart chalonus. Speaking of Freudian
slips, the reason time magazine ran the headline," Is Freud Dead?", twenty years ago, is that
his theories have been discredited. Yeah. So do us all a favor and stop referencing
that debunked psychoanalyst coke head preevert. You don't even have a degree, and Good Will
Hunting you ain't. Anyway, Buddha said that if you want true peace of mind, then you should
spend your time relieving the suffering of others. Or at least trying. But since that
leaves no room for hedonism and revenge, count me out. Ironically, that sort of implies I
am a glutton for punishment. I guess it means that I am willing to accept pain, as the natural,
logical consequence of my pursuit of pleasure. Don't you hate causality? Why do we have to
eat the meat to get the pudding? Just give us the damn pudding already and feed the meat
to the dogs! Somebody call my therapist. But what Buddha was trying to impress upon us,
was that true peace of mind and spiritual freedom is possible, if only we let go of
our earthly desires. It's a point of view which I believe is undeniably wise and true.
However, earthly desires would also include pizza, so that's a tuffy. Perhaps the main
idea upon which to focus and take away from Buddha's teachings is the importance of being
able to let go when the situation calls for it. Just let go. You'll feel better. Trust
me. Uh oh, I forgot one more. Flunk your doe eyed, fluffy puppy, cute little baby kitty,
Xanax and marijuana laced belief that everything happens for a reason. Why can't you grow up
and just accept the fact that sometimes horrible things happen to good people. No reason, no
rhyme, no god watching over them, no one listening to their prayers, no Santa Claus, no Easter
Bunny, no soul mates, and no Detroit Lions Super Bowl Championship. It's out of your
control. It's all just evolution, quantum mechanics, and timing. Real talk. Don't be
a sucker. Be cool, rule the school, and one day like a villain you might be chillin while
your enemies wonder why their god seems to hate them. Now that is what I call a tasty
dessert. Know what I mean? But seriously, try your hardest, be fearless and kind, don't
give up, stay focused on your goals, believe in yourself and those you love, and if you're
lucky, if you take advantage of every opportunity, and if you don't let anything stand in your
way, especially laziness and self-doubt, then with a bit of luck, you just might live your
life filled with laughter, surrounded by love, and end up eating pie with the crusty old
sky guy. Perhaps. If you are lucky. But still. Even then. I would not place a bet on it.
At least, not on even odds. So stay true to yourself, and defend your integrity. Defend
it like a lion over a fresh kill. Defend it like you know you called shotgun first, even
though a dirty liar is claiming they did. Don't back down. Ever. Because in the end,
nothing else is within our power. I just hope the jerk factory has not been working overtime,
because if that's the case, and everyone is staying true to themselves, well, that's an
awful lot of self-actualized jerks. As if we don't have enough to worry about already.
And yeah, I know. I'm basically using a Seinfeld reference to encourage people to not do as
I do, but as I say. Get over it, and here is your star for discovering that people can
be hypocritical plagiarists. Hoo-ray for you, and welcome to the club. Oh, and you also
might want to reconsider your obsession with technology. Just think about it. Anyway, flunk
your so called 'republic', which is really just a militant, Christian, corporatocracy.
Flunk our fears. Flunk our weakness. Flunk our denials. Flunk our temptations. Flunk
our perversions. And Flunk our submissions. Flunk me? No no no. Flunk you. Wait, I'm jis
kiddin'! Yeah, I'm just joshin'. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, we are cool, right? Ooooh,
wait. One more thing. Mustard covered wieners mustard covered wieners mustard covered wieners
swinging in my face all day long with no relief. I don't like da-da-da-dat. Da-Da-Dat's not
a very good time for me. Da-dat's just ratchet! Metaphorically speaking of course. Not actual
mustard covered wieners. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-dat-dat.