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Here's to surviving
the holidays.
(chuckles)
To Bloody Marys.
(Joffrey coos)
And pumping and dumping.
Right, my little
buzzy wuzzy buzzkill?
(Joffrey coos)
Dad said you guys are
ironing things out.
Yeah.
Trying to, at least.
Looks like Christmas wasn't
such a bad idea after all.
You're welcome.
God, this drawing
almost ruined everything.
It's weird.
Mom said it was yours,
but I swear
I remember drawing it.
No.
No, she's right.
That's one of my drawings.
Yeah.
(scratching)
Um, are you gonna
let Wilfred in?
He's just gonna keep
scratching if you don't.
I'm gonna pee.
What are you doing?
Just letting the world know
what a versatile guy you are.
"A little bit country,
a little bit rock 'n' roll"?
So, what did Kristen say
- about the drawing? - I was just asking her
about it when you interrupted me.
I'm gonna have to sand
and repaint this.
Dude, it's a compliment.
I'm basically saying
you're Kid Rock.
My cab's here.
I'm gonna get a bikini wax,
and I want to still be a little
buzzed when the lady rips it.
Uh, oh, hey, real quick.
Um, I-I was just wondering.
Who's that character?
Oh!
That's Mr.
Floppy Ears.
It was just a silly
imaginary character I used to draw.
Oh.
H-How'd you come up
with him?
I don't know.
I probably made him up.
It's what most kids do.
Kind of reminds me of Wilfred.
(scratching)
You know,
you talk about Wilfred more
than most people talk
about their neighbors' dogs.
- I guess I just - Nobody talks about
their neighbors' dogs, Ryan.
(groans)
(sighs)
(Joffrey babbling)
Thanks.
What? It's not finished.
"Ryan is a little bit
chiseled.
"
It's true.
You look good.
Have you been working out?
(phone camera shutter clicking)
Oh.
It's for my Instagram.
If all my friends
don't see a photo
of every single meal I eat,
they'll probably start
to think I'm weird.
Although, since Jenna and Drew
cut me off from people food,
it's pretty much been
the same photo.
So Kristen was a dead end, huh?
Pretty much.
I mean, she thinks
she drew the drawing.
"Mr.
Floppy Ears.
"
Then again, I saw myself doing
it in my memory from therapy.
Well, maybe it would help
to give it a rest for a while.
You know, distract yourself.
We could play a game.
Um"Balderdash"?
"Scattergories"?
You think that would help?
Well, it's like
the pill in the cheese.
Once a month, Jenna wraps
these heartworm pills,
which I hate,
in cheese, which I love.
I could never solve the problem
of how to eat the cheese
but not the pills.
Until one day,
I go outside
and I have a little game
of Growly Stick Tug with Drew.
I come back in,
and then suddenly
inspiration struck.
What did you do?
Well, I started stashing the pills
between my lips and gums.
That's disgusting.
I just wish there was
some other way
to get more information
about that drawing.
Nice.
I already got 17 likes
on my latest Instagram.
All my peeps are bugging out
'cause now they know
what my meal looked like.
Your peeps?
Wilfred, you don't have any
Bruce.
What about Bruce?
He's known you for a long time,
right?
Plus, he's a part of this.
Wh-What if he knows something?
No, Ryan, Bruce
cannot be trusted.
He's a snake.
Well, sure, he's a little shady, but
N-No, I mean he's
literally a snake.
You know,
like a hissing, slithering
snake.
What snake thing is that?
You know,
when you catch a snake
and you try to eat it
but it bites the inside
of your mouth
and it makes
your cheek swell up.
Like
No.
- And I've seen Bruce.
He's definitely not a snake.
- Oh.
Because snakes don't walk around
on two legs
and have opposable thumbs
and talk to you.
Kind of like dogs, right?
But most importantly,
have you ever seen Bruce alone
in a room
with a mongoose?
Stop playing mind games with me.
What if I started
messing with your head?
(laughing):
Oh, my Oh I'm sorry.
That is the cutest thing
I've ever heard.
(laughing hysterically)
You are adorable!
I'm the master of mind games.
That's what I do.
No one mind-rapes people
like I do,
least of all
***, there's someone
at the front door.
WILFRED: Okay, that is
the weirdest thing ever.
There's no one there,
but clearly
there was a knock on the front door.
(knocking on door)
There's someone
at the door again.
Ryan?
Bruce?
***.
Well, it's quite a surprise,
you just showing up
out of the blue like this, Ryan.
Sorry, I-I just thought
What? That I had
murdered
an elderly couple?
Was living in their house,
cashing their
Social Security checks?
I mean, I get it, Ryan.
I mean, I give off
that vibe, don't I?
No.
Deb and her daughter
have taken me in like
family.
Hey, they look nice.
They are nice.
They're away at a Christian
retreat this weekend.
If you're here to visit,
your shoes have to come off.
Deb's rule.
I got your address off
of Wilfred's phone.
I was actually surprised that
we live so close to each other.
Did Wilfred send you over here?
H-He doesn't know I'm here;
I swear.
Well, he must've
really pissed you off, huh?
Let me guess.
He had you kick
your cousin's kid in the face
with a running start, didn't he?
What? No.
He didn't have me do that either.
Look,
I-I tracked you down
because I have some questions.
I-I was hoping that we could
Is this
crayon-related?
Yeah.
I knew this day
was gonna come, Ryan.
Are you familiar
with the concept of wormholes?
Like
time travel?
Yeah.
Like time tr
You know what?
I think I've said
too much already.
This is a bad idea.
I think you should leave.
No, no.
No, I-I need to know.
H-How long has Wilfred
been in my life?
Why is he in my life?
Are you sure you're ready
for those answers, Ryan?
Yes.
Well, there's gonna be a price.
I want Wilfred's testicles.
Really?
Look, you know as well as I do
that Wilfred's aggressive.
He won't stop
till he gets what he wants,
usually at our expense.
He's a bad dog.
Bad dog!
And how do you take
a dog's aggression away?
(imitates scissors snipping)
Isn't there something else I could
I want
his balls, Ryan.
What are you reading?
Um
Eyes up here, mate.
Just reading
an article.
Sorry.
Pardon me.
Pardon.
Whoa.
Can you just move?!
Hey.
What's going on?
Are you okay?
I went and saw Bruce.
Damn it, Ryan!
I told you he's bad news!
I'm sorry.
B-But, listen
I-I think he might actually know
something about you and me.
Something big.
How big?
Like"where you came from" big.
And I assume
that dirty prick wants something
in return for it.
Yes.
A-And I should've
told you earlier.
And-and I swear,
I-I was never actually
gonna do anything.
Spit it out.
Spit it out, mate.
He wants your testicles.
The family grape seeds?
(scoffing laugh)
Okay.
Well,
if it's balls Bruce wants,
then it's balls
Bruce shall have.
Are you familiar
with Vincenzo's Gourmet Meats?
That place on Rose?
They make a specialty meatball
that happens to look identical
to a dog ***.
Tender veal,
ground pork sausage,
slivers of fried garlic and
the slightest hint of paprika.
Mmm.
They sound delicious.
It doesn't matter
what they taste like.
All that matters is what they look like.
Stop it!
This is just another one
of your mind games.
What are you talking about?
You saw
how focused I was
on the drawing, so you got Bruce
to trick me into thinking
he could help.
All because Jenna stopped
letting you eat people food.
If I was working with Bruce,
why wouldn't I just ask Bruce
to buy the meatballs for me?
Oh, wait,
I'm sure you have the perfect
explanation for that, too.
Uh, because Bruce and I
are both banned from Vincenzo's.
Yeah, that's it.
Mate
I'm on your side.
And I'm telling you,
I know Bruce.
And I know my testicles.
This will work.
Hmm.
So I'm thinking we should
maybe get three meatballs.
You know, in case we drop one.
Why not four?
Totally.
Better
to be safe than sorry.
Maybe we should just get a dozen.
Dude, seriously, it's like
you're reading my mind
right now.
By the way, this is the longest
way ever to Vincenzo's.
Wait, we're not near
Vincenzo's.
(panicked):
Ryan, what's going on?
Sorry, Wilfred, but this
is the only way.
Ryan?! Ryan!
Ryan!
(techs grunting)
You weren't kidding.
He's a handful.
WILFRED: Ryan!
He put up quite
a fight at first.
But after we sedated him,
the ear cleaning
couldn't have gone smoother.
Thanks, Doctor.
(door shuts)
Who's the master
of mind games now?
(groans) Shh
What's happening?
Shh.
Oh.
You're okay, Wilfred.
Shh.
(groaning)
No.
No, no, no!
(crying):
No!
It was the only way, Wilfred.
Well, I couldn't risk
missing out on answers--
the answers-- for some
meatball switcheroo.
Ryan, you idiot,
there were never any answers!
But Bruce said
Bruce was lying!
He was in it
for the meatballs, same as me!
Vincenzo banned us
from the deli,
just like I told you
sarcastically.
(crying)
Oh, my beautiful,
little poppy seeds.
(crying)
Wilfred, listen, I
How could you do this to me?
I mean, sure, Bruce and I
were mind-gaming you, but
this is worse than anything
I ever did to you.
I know.
That-that's why I
And I've done some awful, awful things to you.
Registering you
as a sex offender
in the state of Oregon?
Putting fake blood stains
on the *** of your shorts
just before you go bike riding?
(moans)
You have done some
awful, awful things to me.
But this!
Everything else pales
in comparison.
I know.
I'm really sorry it
turned out this way.
No, it's okay.
(sniffles)
Now that I have no balls,
it's kind of hard
to stay angry at you.
I've heard that some dogs,
once they're neutered,
they start to change.
Do you think I will change?
It's possible.
(whining) Oh!
God, I hate it
when I get like this.
My emotions are just,
like, all over the place.
(sighs)
No, no, no.
The doctor said
to wait at least 24 hours.
Oh, ***! I forgot
this toy store was here.
Sorry.
God, it must be tough
to look at all these fresh,
untouched stuffed animals
now that your sex drive's gone.
I-I'd take you inside, but
This bag is majorly cute, Ryan.
I can totally see
you carrying that
with my head sticking
out the top of it.
Hey, you!
You look good.
Did you lose weight?
We're totally hanging out
for brunch soon, okay?
She is so fat.
Wilfred, don't you want to check
out that toy store back there?
Uh, yuck! My ears are, like,
totally having a bad moment.
Okay, I really think
you should come see that store.
Wow.
Seriously, it's
moments like this
that I'm glad I no longer
have testosterone.
Men are from Mars.
Everyone knows
store lighting can't be trusted,
especially when you have
a non-traditional figure.
So, try it on now.
Ew, I'm not changing
in front of you.
Wilfred, I have to tell you something.
Wait.
Come tell me if you think
this sweater is totally fierce.
And be honest!
Wilfred?
(shrieks)
Oh, fabulous.
You're awake.
So (laughs)
All numbed up, are we?
What the hell is going on?!
Shh, relax.
See,
the thing is, well, as
you know, I've changed.
For the better, I think.
But you're still the same
old macho, manly man.
And if we're gonna stay
best friends, well
I'm sorry, Ryan.
Wilfred, let me go!
We're gonna be such ***!
(gasps)
No, no, no, no, no! Wilfred, I
didn't really have you neutered!
Everything you're feeling,
is only psychosomatic!
But you did have my ears
cleaned, which is bad enough.
Wait.
So, you
Of course I knew.
I warned you, Ryan.
Never try to mind-game
the master.
Not to mention, pretending
to neuter your best friend?
That's like the worst thing
a guy can do to another guy.
Not cool!
But you started it!
It doesn't matter! You
punched me in the nuts!
Which reminds me.
(grunts)
(yells)
(groans) Oh, come on!
You got me harder
than I got you!
Aah!
Oh, what is this,
a *** punch fight?
Oh, God! (coughs)
Oh!
Look at us, Ryan.
At each other's throats, messing
with each other's heads.
How did it come to this?
Or more importantly,
who would want it
to come to this?
Bruce.
Bruce.
God, it all makes sense.
He knew we'd start
mind-gaming each other.
I bet he's laughing
his *** off right now.
So, this was all just a game.
He totally played us.
Not yet.
This game's not over.
BRUCE:
Come on in, Ryan.
I'm surprised
you got here this soon.
We got to do this quick.
Deb just ran out to get Tammy
at oboe practice.
They're coming back here,
we're gonna watch
Biggest Loser together.
Are you okay, buddy?
Oh, Wilfred and I sort
of had a little fight.
Did you now?
Wow.
That's a shame.
Two amigos fighting like that.
Well, here they are.
I got them.
I didn't think
you had it in you, Ryan.
(laughing):
Whoa!
You be sure and tell Wilfred
he can come over here
any time he wants and take a look at these.
Actually
there was a complication
with the surgery.
What kind of complication?
He
He didn't make it.
***.
No, no, no, no.
Wilfred can't die, Ryan.
That's not how this works!
But you you wanted
to hurt him, right?
You said he was a bad dog.
Yeah.
Hurt him.
I didn't want him killed!
Oh, my God.
Don't you get it?
Without Wilfred,
I got no purpose!
Oh, my God!
I'm nothin'!
Well, at least
you have Deb and Tammy.
Deb and Tammy-- ***!
I can't believe it!
*** it!
This is over.
It's over.
Holy ***! Bruce!
Oh, Jesus.
No! No! No!
No!
WILFRED:
Hi, Ryan.
(Bruce laughs)
Boom!
Mind-gamed, ***!
(laughing):
Gotcha!
You're insane!
Uh, insane in the membrane.
Yeah.
You know what?
I can't believe
you made fun of me
for taking that special effects
class at the Learning Annex.
You guys
are psychopaths.
No! No, it was just
a prank, Ryan.
When Wilfred told me
that you were gonna try
and put one over on me,
I couldn't resist.
WILFRED: I even got him
to buy the meatballs
after all.
I do love me
some Vincenzo's meatballs.
I thought you were my friend, Wilfred.
I am your friend.
That's why I had to teach you
a valuable lesson.
Never try and mind-game
the masters of mind games.
You cannot win.
What's the matter, Wilfred?
Does it taste a little nutty?
N-No.
But there's no way you?
Stole a pair of dog testicles
from the biological waste bin
at the vet earlier today 'cause
I figured you'd double-cross me?
No, I couldn't possibly do that.
How could I mind-game
the masters of mind-games?
Let me get this straight.
I'm not gonna be dining
on Vincenzo's
gourmet meatballs today?
*** it!
I went through all this ***
for zero meatballs?!
Get the hell out
of my house, Ryan!
Get out of my house, Wilfred!
Get out! Take that damn
dog *** with you.
Ryan, I've got to say,
I was impressed back there.
Good game.
You're not mad at me for
making you eat a dog ***?
Well, actually, it was tastier
than one might think.
I swiped the other one
on my way out.
I'm saving it for
later tonight.
Oh, ***!
Did I leave that on
for three days?
I'll admit, it was nice to get
away from this for a while.
Games are always a
good distraction.
Uh, it's Kristen's
drawing, but
I saw myself making it.
I saw myself
drawing the blue barn.
Well, may-maybe
that's all I drew,
but why would I?
Oh, I can't find
anything on the symbol.
Have you learnt nothing, Ryan?
I mean, how did you even find it
in the first place?
You need some distance.
Serious question:
If you knew that you
could get away with it,
would you *** someone?
No.
Of course not.
You know, I'm like-like
talking about,
like, say, if you knew there
was, like, zero chance
that you could get caught,
like, would you
*** someone?
Under no circumstance
would I ever do that.
Nah, me, neither.