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# I was walking along
# Minding my business
# When out of an orange-coloured sky
# Flash, bam, alakazam
# Wonderful you came by
# I was humming a tune
# Drinking in sunshine
# When out of that orange-coloured view
# Flash, bam, alakazam
# I got a look at you
# One look and I yelled, "Timberl"
#"Watch out for flying glass"
# Cos the ceiling fell in
and the bottom fell out
# I went into a spin and I started to shout
# I've been hit, this is it, this is it #
According to recent
anthropological research,
man has the greatest appetite by having sex
next to a chimpanzee.
While I personally never had any desire
to have sex next to a chimpanzee,
I'm broadminded enough to see
that within the context
of a loving relationship,
having a wild monkey in your bed
during those intimate moments
may often lead to a richer,
more fulfilling physical union.
Of course, in this country,
sex is now illegal,
except among
consenting cabinet ministers.
And that's how it should be
in a free democratic society.
Because here in Britain,
we are privileged to enjoy another,
far more exciting
alternative to sex -
marriage.
When you think of it,
marriage must surely be
the most wonderful institution
man has ever devised.
For it's so constructed,
that while Dad is putting up a shelf
with his new tap-action,
Screwmatic power hammer,
Mum can simultaneously
be browning the kids' fish fingers
to maximum golden crispness.
And of course,
nowhere is always better illustrated
than in my own
personal circumstances.
The last six months
have not been at all easy.
(Crash)
Ever since I was rushed
to hospital one Monday morning
to have a small fragment
of breeze block removed
from the left-hand side of my brain.
What sort of mental abnormalities?
Well, for a start, an increasingly
limited attention span.
He'll find it impossible
to concentrate on anything
for longer than
about 30 seconds at a time.
If only my teapot smelt like Jean's.
Her dishes always look
so zippy clean too.
I wonder what her secret is.
- I don't believe this.
- Nor can nine out of ten mums.
Yet feel how gentle it is.
And so kind to my hands too.
Further grizzly tragedies
were not far around the corner.
Scarce had I been discharged
from intensive care,
following a horrific car crash
near Pevensey Bay,
than my wife Josie found herself
being *** to death
by a mob of drunken soccer fans
during a special bargain-break
holiday for two in Hamburg
leaving me alone and isolated
for the first time in 38 years.
Yet who said fate
can sometimes be cruel?
For the next moment,
a wondrous saviour was to appear
in the shape of my nephew Gordon
and his lovely wife Muriel,
who took me in when I was destitute
and made their home my home,
and whose love and devotion is such
that they simply can't do enough
to make my life
as comfortable as it can possibly be.
Right! I think the fruit parer.
Yes, that should do the trick rather nicely.
You won't need this
for a minute presumably?
Why, where are you off to?
I'm going to knife Uncle Godfrey
to death before lunch.
Where is he?
- In the bath.
- Right, I'll drown him.
That'll make less mess.
Uncle Godfrey,
are you nearly finished in there?
- (*** on door)
- Is that you, Gordon?
I'll be in my bedroom.
I want a word.
Righty-ho, won't be a couple of ticks.
They're nearly done now.
Uncle Godfrey,
this was my best white shirt.
I know.
I washed one half
in an ordinary inferior detergent
and the other half in
biologically-improved Banquo.
- Why?
- Because Banquo's special enzyme action
banishes those difficult stains
other powders can't cope with
to get all your wash
ten per cent whiter.
See?
Must have a brain the size of a pimple.
My best white shirt.
What's he going to do next?
Hack up all underpants
into split-crotch ***?
He's been through a lot of upset lately.
You've got to give these things time.
Where does he get it all from?
Can't tell me
it's the behaviour of a rational man.
Jesus!
(Boys shouting)
Oh, what a save!
Over there!
Yes!
- Give us our ball back!
- Yeah, give us our ball back!
There we are.
Good heavens, I don't believe it!
- I'm sorry?
- Godfrey Spry!
(Man) Deep beneath the ocean floor,
it slumbers.
Mankind's mightiest life force,
waiting to be summoned to action.
24 hours a day, we're there.
Bringing power and energy
to your doorstep.
Warmth and comfort
at the touch of a button.
Today and every day.
Hey! Hey, you!
What the hell
do you think you're doing?
(Workmen laugh)
Going somewhere exciting
this morning, Uncle?
Just an old friend
I bumped into the other day.
- Have you seen my car keys at all?
- I think they're on the hall table.
I stilly worry about you driving
that rickety little three-wheeler.
It's alright, Muriel.
According to recent estimates,
the chances of being
horrifically crushed to death in one,
by an out-of-control juggernaut filled
with chemicals, are only 23 to one.
Why isn't this getting hot?
I can't help that.
There was
a letter went through your front door
from the borough surveyor
three weeks ago.
Ah, yes.
That'd be the one telling me
that a troop of cavemen with earrings
would be coming round this week
to *** all over my lupins.
Gordon! The power's all gone off
in here.
What's happening?
Excuse me?
(Shouts) Excuse me!
(Switches off drill)
I suppose that cable is meant to be
sliced in two, like that, is it?
God Almighty!
Gordon, you'll trigger
your prickly heat.
I don't know why
they don't hand out chainsaws
to registered epileptics -
we'd all be a lot safer.
(Gushing)
- What the hell's all this?
- Don't worry,
it'll all be gone in half an hour.
Take her out.
Half an hour?! How in the name of Christ
am I supposed to get to work?
Hello, Avis.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to drop off my nephew.
Oh, for me, Godfrey?
a crush on you all those years ago?
Funny how things work out,
isn't it, Avis?
- Do you take milk?
- I used to.
Until I discovered the smooth,
silky flavour of Gibard's Blanco -
coffee wouldn't be coffee without it!
No.
Oh, look, I think
Freddy wants his dinner.
It was so thoughtful of you
to remember him.
Are you going to stay
and have some lunch, Godfrey?
I'd love to, Avis.
But I've got to pop into
my nearest Army Recruitment Centre
for full details of the career
awaiting me in today's army.
Still the same old dry sense of humour,
haven't you, Godfrey?
Haven't changed a bit!
No, Avis.
(Pneumatic drill on full throttle)
(Drill chugs)
(Drill restarts)
(Doorbell)
- Brought you a cup of coffee.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Erm, can't use your phone at all.
- Yes, yes, help yourself.
No, I'm telling you,
you can't use your phone at all.
Just gone through the overhead cable.
Oh, and by the way,
move your car out now while you can -
cos the whole street's
coming up in a minute.
Right.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Back up.
Straight back, straight back.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down a bit here.
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand down.
A little bit more,
little bit of left hand down there.
Yeah.
Little bit more left hand
down here, I think.
- Made it in one piece, love.
- I know.
If I'd scratched that car,
my husband would throw a fit.
(Crash)
Whoops-a-daisy.
Y Yes.
Yes, I know,
but I really do need to talk to him.
It is a bit urgent.
Those utter ***!
I knew something like this would happen!
Just wait till I get back there.
There'll be bloody hell to pay
when I'm finished with them!
Right!
(Drill whirrs)
(Whistles)
Oh, God, will you stop
whistling that bloody tune?!
- Gordon!
- Is it my imagination, Gordon?
You don't seem to be
in a very good mood today.
Thanks to that freak show
at the front, we've no power,
no car, no hot water.
Can't even cook ourselves
any breakfast.
There's still plenty
of Ogren's Nutri-Nut, Gordon.
It'll be my fifth helping.
Its healthy blend of hazelnuts,
rolled oats and raisins
is totally natural and rich in fibre.
Yes, so are dog turds, but I wouldn't
want a plate of them for breakfast.
Thank you, Gordon, at the meal table.
You see, Muriel, it really is
time you switched to gas.
In kitchens up and down the country,
more and more housewives are coming
over to its simple cooknology.
Sheer versatility,
that's the ability of gas!
Yes, what I find
particularly versatile about gas
is the way they come round and cut off
your electricity.
That makes
(Sniffs)
Muriel, why is Uncle Godfrey blowing
his nose on a copy of The Tatler?
I'm still not sure.
Tell me what you think, Muriel.
Would you wear that
if someone bought it for you?
"Parfum d'Eau by Gischarel.
"
- Lovely.
- Yes?
- Pricey too, I shouldn't wonder.
- Ah
not if it's for
that special someone, Muriel.
Not too pricey at all.
- Isn't anyone keeping him covered?
- Don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational!
What are they covered with?
They're covered with the Kettering.
Good grief, he's covered in bruises!
No, I'm covered with the Kettering!
Why risk the things
that are most precious in life
when we can look after them for you?
At the Kettering Equitable,
we'll solve your problems in a trice
because we believe
that caring is about sharing.
# Come to the Kettering,
the caring society #
Right, I think
that's covered everything.
And what precisely
are you saying is the damage, sir?
Well, do you know, now that I see it
in the light, I'm not quite so sure.
For God's sake, man,
it's a complete and utter write-off!
That's for us to decide, isn't it, Mr Spry?
Are you in the habit of parking your car
slap in the path
of lumbering great bulldozers, sir?
(Sighs)
My wife had just moved the car
onto the road
because they advised her to.
I see.
When your wife drove the car
onto the road,
was she under the influence
of drink or drugs?
- What?
- When Mrs Spry drove the car
Yes.
She was so pissed the *** needle
was still hanging out of her vein.
Well, don't write that down!
You'll find a little cooperation
pays dividends, Mr Spry.
Evidence on this claim is,
to say the least, rather flimsy.
Flimsy? The top of the car's been
completely concertina'd in!
So you say.
But how do I know
the damage wasn't caused
by an overloaded roof rack?
Hearts of sodding granite,
the lot of 'em!
- Gordon, I found out who it is.
- Who who is?
You know how he's been like a child
with a new toy these last few days?
I found a new name in his address book
and got very nosy and I gave her a ring.
She sounds very sweet, Gordon.
Her name is Avis Beechwood.
She and Uncle Godfrey used to go out
together years and years ago.
She's a widow now, but he's been
popping round there to see her, so
Round there? Round where?
Round to her house
in Argyle Crescent.
- Oh, brilliant.
- What?
How serious is it? I mean, when
is he moving in with the old biddy?
Oh, God, I'd forgotten
what freedom was like!
He's not moving anywhere.
Is that all you can think?
Uncle Godfrey, everything all right?
I just wondered if I could
use of the telephone.
- If I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's a bit private, is it?
Well, it is
a little personal actually.
Okey-dokey.
Well, we'll leave you to it.
Hello?
Is that the factory that makes
Dermogene Woodruff skin products?
- Yes.
Can I help you?
- Yes.
Nanette Newman, please.
- I beg your pardon?
- Can you put me through
to Nanette Newman's office, please?
Is this some sort of joke?
No joke at all.
Tell her it's Godfrey.
- Godfrey?
- Yes.
She'll know.
She wrote me a little letter a few days ago.
It was rather intimate,
I don't wish to go into details.
It was to do with
certain skin problems
and she went me a lovely present
of Cocoa-Milk Facial Toner.
Are you being serious?
Incredible, isn't it?
Considering we've never even met before.
But that's how love is sometimes.
I wondered if she'd like to come
over for dinner and liquors tonight.
You can tell her it's perfectly safe.
I'm wearing
a Gossalite Superform ***,
so neither of us will die of ignorance.
(Dial tone)
Hello?
(Man) "Dear Mr Spry, thank you
for your perfume atomiser
"and bar of Kendrick's nougat,
"which have been donated
to a mental hospital.
"Unfortunately, as an actress,
"Miss Newman is unable
to enter into any correspondence
"regarding Dermogene Woodruff
skin products
"and nor is she able
to take up your offer
"of a thrilling afternoon out
at the London Dungeon.
"She did however wish to take
this opportunity of sending you
"a free sample of Dermogene
anti-wrinkle moisturising lotion,
"which keeps her complexion
looking so young and supple.
"Yours faithfully,
Leonard R Bramington"
(# Soul Man)
# Comin' to ya on a dusty road
# Good lovin', I got a truckload
# And when you get it
# You got something
# So don't worry #
It's quite an adventure coming to
the pictures after all these years.
The last time I went was
to see The Sound Of Music.
I saw that film seven times.
Of course, when it comes on the telly,
it's never as good, is it?
# I'm a soul man
# And that ain't all
# Got what I got
# The hard way
# And I'll make it better
# Each and every day
# So, honey, don't you fret
# Cos you ain't seen
# Nothing yet
# I'm a soul man
# Owl
# I'm a soul man
# Play it, Steve
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man #
Dear, oh, dear.
(Gunfire)
Good God, isn't anyone
keeping him covered?
Oh, don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational!
What are they covered with?
They're covered with the Kettering.
# Come to the Kettering,
the caring societyl #
(Man) And now, MEC Cinemas are proud to
bring you our feature presentation.
Godfrey, what is it?
You didn't want to stay
through all that stuff, did you?
I booked our table for seven o'clock.
We don't want to be late.
Very nice, Godfrey.
Fresh flowers too.
You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
Yes.
Even passive smoking can cause
abnormalities in the unborn foetus.
Oh.
Well, I've only really
taken it up again since I lost Jack.
But you're quite right,
it's a nasty habit.
But when you get to our age,
I think you miss the companionship.
Yes.
Avis, I know we've only been
seeing each other a few weeks
We go back a long way, Godfrey.
Yes.
That's why I feel
I can talk to you, Avis.
I've just been thinking that
Well, it's not natural really
for a woman to be on her own.
- Isn't it, Godfrey?
- No.
Perhaps you're not eating
enough low-fat salad dressings.
- I beg your pardon?
- Tell me, Avis, does it worry you
when you find you can't
get into last year's dresses?
- Would you care to order now, sir?
- Yes, please.
I'd like a tin of Rachet's New
Barbecued Flavoured Spaghetti Hoops
and Avis will have a Slender Bender
boil-in-the-bag individual cod portion
with some Farmer Ted's frozen sprouts
and a slice of starch-reduced crispbread
as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
Godfrey!
Sir, this is
a cordon bleu restaurant
and if you look closely at the menu,
you will see that *** is not included.
Perhaps you'd like
another five minutes?
Godfrey, you're embarrassing me.
What are you thinking of?
I'm only thinking of you, Avis.
I just want you to look good and feel good.
I've
brought a little something for you.
Oh, Godfrey!
No, no, you don't put it
round your neck.
You left it slide down your leg.
Look.
You see, just as I thought.
You failed the chiffon test!
(Whispers) Godfrey!
Ugly leg stubble can be
a real embarrassment in public
but it doesn't have to be any more.
If you shave your legs once a week
with a Yaki-Moto Lady Razor,
no one will ever know!
Godfrey,
why are you doing this to me?
I thought you and I were
Good night.
Avis, where are you going?
(# Stay Young And Beautiful)
# Keep young and beautiful
# It's your duty to be beautiful
# Keep young and beautiful
# If you want to be loved #
- What?
- Uncle Godfrey, I'm thrilled!
It's a bit sudden, but
Gordon?
- I'm just so happy
- The loss adjuster's in hospital!
- Probably having his brain lanced.
- Gordon,
Uncle Godfrey has just told me
the most wonderful piece of news.
I'm going to get married.
That's terrific.
You'll have so much
more room in her house.
Won't have us getting
under your feet all the time.
Or should I say wheels?
How soon will you be leaving?
I bet you can't wait.
All right, Gordon, that'll do.
- So, when is the happy event?
- "Happy event," Muriel?
- The wedding.
- Oh, that.
- Three weeks this Saturday.
- Three weeks?
Gosh, so many things to do.
Finding a woman
is the hardest part.
Yes, you're right.
That's the main thing.
And you're very lucky.
Hello? I'd like to speak
to Mr Whitstable's secretary, please.
Yes, I'll hold.
Hello? I'd to speak
to Mr Whitstable, please.
My name is Spry.
Gordon Spry.
Is he? New York?
In spite of the fact that he told me
to ring his office in London
at three o'clock this afternoon.
Who? Mr Cameron?
Well, put me through to him then, please?
Thank you.
(Sighs) Hello? Yes, Mr Cameron?
My name is Spry, Gordon Spry.
I'm ringing about my car which was
inopportunity mangled to a pulp
by the local gas authority
in the normal course of their business.
And I had this scatterbrain notion
that I could come to you
for some compensation,
but I was obviously living
in a fool's parad
Hello? Can you hear me there, or what?
Yes.
I'm afraid I'm not in the office,
so I don't have all the files.
The man you really want
to talk to is Mr Bacon,
our chief claims investigator,
who unfortunately has just booked
into a clinic in Beverly Hills
for a course of liposuction.
And this is from Doreen and Mike.
Isn't that nice?
Yes.
"Kettle" is too small a word for it.
It's a miracle
of space-age technology.
You look a bit down, Uncle Godfrey.
Not having second thoughts, are you?
Oh, no, Gordon,
I'm not worried about the wedding.
It's just that I still haven't found
anyone to marry me yet.
Well, I'm sure we could get
the vicar of St John's to step in.
- He was perfect at Barry and Sue's.
- We'll make sure that's all fine.
Look, if you're going out tonight,
you give her a good time, all right?
Thank you, Gordon.
We are this close.
I don't want anything going wrong.
Ow!
(# Soul Man)
# Comin' to ya on a dusty road
# Good lovin', I got a truckload
# And when you get it
# You got something
# So don't worry
# Cos I'm comin'
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man
# Whoal
# I'm a soul man, and that ain't all #
Christ, did someone step
in some dog ***?
# Good lovin', I got a truckload
# And when you get it
you got something
# So don't worry
# Cos I'm comin'
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man, whoal
# I'm a soul man
# And that ain't all
# Got what I got
# The hard way
# And I'll make it better
# Each and every day
# So honey
Oh!
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man
# I'm a soul man #
So, what's it to be?
Straight, French, a back-scuttle?
Or maybe you'd just like
some hand relief?
- Is this your room then?
- It's mine when I need to use it.
Can you undress yourself
or do you need help?
Sorry? I can manage mostly by myself.
- Other times, I usually call Muriel.
- Muriel?
- She must work a different patch.
- She does a lot for me, Muriel.
Yes? What about me?
Do I do anything for you?
Is that a Elasticup
underwired support bra?
With super-stretch control panels
to prevent unsightly bust sag?
Come on, sir,
we haven't got all night.
- What's your secret pleasure?
- My secret pleasure?
Oh, that.
It's wicked, but it's wonderful.
- Does it have a name?
- It's an Ice Maiden's Whirly Whip.
- It's devilishly divine.
- Seriously?
- We're allowed to be simple sometimes.
- Sure we are.
And there's nothing like those nuts
smothered with butterscotch ice cream.
Right.
Hello, room service?
Morning.
Mr Spry, it is you.
I wondered when I saw the name,
"I wonder if that's the Mr Spry"
Yes, Mr Gudgeon.
I'm afraid we're not quite ready.
I'm having trouble with my top plate.
I seem to be getting cutting
You make an appointment
for next week,
we'll be a few minutes.
Goodbye.
- He's disappeared.
- What?
- He's gone.
- He can't have.
He's getting married.
- You trying to give me a heart attack?
- He's nowhere in the house.
- He must be at what's -her-name's.
- Avis?
Have you got her number?
Hello, Avis? Hello.
Sorry to trouble you on this
of all days.
It's Muriel here.
I was just
Muriel Spry.
Yes.
Are you all fit and well?
Not too many butterflies
in the tummy, I hope?
What?
Godfrey? Certainly not!
What on earth would Godfrey
be doing here with me?
Well, I just thought that
Well, I just thought I know, of course,
it's supposed to be bad luck.
Oh, no, it's all right, Avis.
Here he is now.
Hello, Uncle!
Just ringing your bride to be.
Lovely then, Avis.
Look forward to seeing you
later in the church.
Church?
What would I be doing
going to church on a Saturday?
Well, you
Oh, my God.
I knew it!
I bloody knew something was up.
I knew it was just
all too good to be true.
Just when I starting
to believe there was a god.
He's doing this
to drive me into an early grave!
Get a hold of yourself
for God's sake!
We jumped to the wrong conclusion -
he's seeing someone else
that we never knew about.
So try and relax and we'll probably
be very pleasantly surprised.
I think you must mean Monica.
She's not here at the moment.
- She's gone out to meet a client.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, Jesus, not you again!
Will you get out of my hair?
I've wasted hours
buggering about with you.
If you don't want it,
for God's sake, stop hassling me.
Monica, wait.
Read the card.
Oh, sod off, you poxy old fart!
And so I made the decision,
there and then,
not to get married to Monica
after all.
Women are strange people.
They can sometimes be totally irrational,
like Avis
Good night.
completely fickle, like Nanette
or prone to sudden fits of violent temper
for no reason at all,
like Monica on our first date.
When I took my Totally Irresistible
deodorant back to say it was faulty,
I found the only assistant on duty
was a poor deaf and dumb girl,
which only served
to remind me how lucky I was,
still having the use
of all my organs.
As for Gordon, he never did get
a penny out of his insurance company
as long as he lived.
Which only goes to show how magnificently
they protect their investors,
so that like delicate seedlings,
our savings may grow and prosper
as the years go by.
Sadly, Gordon
was unable to see it this way,
for his eyes haven't been opened,
as mine have,
to the blessed joys of existence.
And yet, we've all of us
only to stop and look around
to see that nothing could be
more pure and more perfect
than the ways of mankind.
There is no heaven after death.
For heaven is here
in life.
# I was walking along
# Minding my business
# When out of an orange-coloured sky
# Flash, bam, alakazam
# Wonderful you came by
# I was humming a tune
# Drinking in sunshine
# When out of that orange-coloured view
# Flash, bam, alakazam
# I got a look at you
# One look and I yelled "Timberl"
#"Watch out for flying glass"
# Cos the ceiling fell in
and the bottom fell out
# I went into a spin and I started to shout
# I've been hit, this is it, this itl
# I was walking along
# Minding my business
# When you came and hit me in the eye
# Flash, bam, alakazam
# Out of an orange-coloured
# Purple-striped
# Pretty little polka-dot sky
# Flash, bam, alakaza-aam
# And goodbye #