Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
...it was more like, if we miss this or something happens
then we won't make it to Germany in time for tomorrow
and so we had the three o'clock train
so we went to get our luggage somewhere actually
and then we get our luggage, we lug it up, this is a high speed train
this is bound to be one that stays in the station for fifteen, twenty minutes
board your bags, no problem
so we get three tickets, one way, me, Gen and Richard, Amsterdam to Frankfurt.
So we get there and the train is going to leave at three o’clock
it doesn’t pull in until 2:55
which I guess is how it goes, you know, get your bags on and get going
schedule to make
and so, uh, I’m like 'baby' Gen… not Richard.
I call Richard 'sweetie'
So I’m like, 'baby, go first onto the train and save us three seats together
it’s a four hour train, we’ll probably want to get some sleep
so just go, if you can take care of those seats, Richard and I got the bags'
She was like, 'okay, sure'. And so she hops on to get seats
and Richard and I start the process of, I'm standing on the platform
and the train is this number
So Richard goes right there on the train two steps up
and I’m grabbing the bags and putting them up
and he’s just getting them inside
we figure once we’re inside we’ll set them up
So I load them all up onto the train, give them a look, say
'Richard, we’re fine, let’s put the bags up in the little compartments'
And so we sit down, I’m sweating, because that’s what I do
It's May and it's hot and I'm loading fifty pound bags and guitars and...
So I sit down, I’m like 'ahh, alright’ and Gen has great seats for us
She’s like 'Thanks baby'
'Sure baby'
And then she goes, 'By the way, where's the grey bag?’
And I go, 'the grey bag — oh ***'
Run to the door, literally as, now this is the door
like I run to the door as the door is shutting
I'm like 'ahh, I made it'. So the door shuts, so I push the open button
and I push the open button
and I push the open button, and the door's not opening
Literally, if this is the door, this is the bag
I literally could have just gone, 'yank, thank you', and taken the bag
but the train has shut the doors
So I'm like 'uuuuuh' so I push the close button, I don't know
Maybe the open button is malfunctioning, but nothing happens
and then there's this like, lever underneath it, I'm like, yeah okay
By the way, the worst thing is that it's Gen's bag
So it's not even that it's my bag, with smelly t-shirts
It's Gen's, and she brought like some nice dresses for dinner and stuff like that
uh, whatever women do, shoes and... I still haven't figured it out
And so it's all her nice stuff in the bag
and so I'm like I guess I gotta pull the lever
And I pull the lever, but nothing happens
At this point you hear 'tchuuuh', because the air brakes are
Yeah, not that kind of 'tchuuuh'.
That was much earlier, when I realized the bag was gone.
Now it's more like 'prrfft'
So a lady walks up to the bag
Another important part of that is that Bin Laden has just been killed
and so terror alert is like, sky rocketing
And if you drink a coca cola and you put it on the ground someone attacks you
It's like super high, people with guns, cause they're expecting
it's gonna be a lone wolf type
that's gonna exact vengeance and the Amsterdam hub is a huge hub
And so, I'm like, there's a bag on the platform, it's unmarked, it's locked
Oh God
and yeah, and a lady walks up to it, yeah 'oh God' is
You're on track
A lady walks up to it, and Richard and I like, *** on the door
I think the lady kind of hears us, and looks, and we're like
'My bag, that's mine, me, me and him, us!'
It's just two silly Canadians!
So, she looks at me and literally goes and sees me and goes like this
And I was like, I can't... I don't know what that means
Does that mean like, you're S.O.L. or does that mean like
Does that mean like, you're stupid... But I don't think it's good
And so then the train takes off, high speed for Frankfurt
And so Richard and I kinda like, I gotta, uh, what, we're, uh, uh...
And the train is going this way, Frankfurt's that way
The bag is here, going that way, essentially, because we're going this way
And so I run, I'm like, 'You know what, we're like two cars from the edge
I'm gonna run to the conductor and just tell him I'm a Canadian, and...
I'll just tell him that I left the bag and, I don't know, like, I don't know their
it's not like, 'Hey train, I left my...'
Yeah, I don't know who to call, 'Hi, train station? Hi guys'
I'm in Amsterdam, I don't have my phone to dial 35 numbers and a plus sign
So, I'm like, I'll just tell the conductor, he'll know what to do
So I run to the end of the train where the conductor sits
and push the button and the door opens
But there's no conductor on that side
Because the conductor pitter-patter walked to the other side of the train
because we're going that way now
So, by the way, now we're high speed, we're a minute or two out of Amsterdam
And, I'm actually, my heart is beating right now
I guess that's good, but I mean it's beating fast
And I go back, and Gen's kind of like, 'Uh... So?'
Not good
And so I walk back to the thing, and Richard is kind of like
'I don't know what to do man', he said I ran three cars that way
I couldn't find anybody that works, like, what do we do?
And I just can't get my nerves down, and I'm like, I don't know what to do
like I can't just, her bag could be... Exploded
By a robot. With wheels.
And I go back to the door and I notice something that I didn't notice before
about the buttons
There's a little plate of glass... With an emergency 'Do not push'
And one of those like movie style red buttons behind the plate of glass
And so...
So, I punch through the glass
And I push the 'Do not push the button' button
And I'm kind of standing like this. But when I push the
'Do not push this button' button
Like Star Trek, like people flying, babies crying
Like there's a, 'We're gonna go off a cliff!' Like the train stops
It's not like, oh, casual slow down at the next station
The train... super high-pitched noise, like that thing earlier, with that soldier girl
And so, everybody's looking at the giant, scary, sweaty man
Me - who just stopped the train
And Richard goes
He says something roughly to the effect of 'I think this isn't good man'
I say 'I think so to, sweetie'
And he goes, 'I got your back, but I'm gonna have a seat'
So, I'm kind of like, everybody's looking, the noise is loud
I punched through the glass and the door's flung open
but now we're in the middle of nowhere because the train's gone
It's not like we're at a station, we're on train tracks
like in Europe, in the middle of
Amsterdam or wherever we are
Because the train station is a couple of miles that way
Or kilometers I guess, in Europe
So this lady comes running in, she's like 'Who pushed the button, who pushed the
'Who pushed the button, who pushed the button?'
And I kind of... I- I did.
And she runs up and very sincerely goes 'What's wrong? What's going on?'
I think she thinks like, someone's got a gun
I'm having a heart attack, my wife is giving birth, I'm giving birth
She's not thinking some d-bag just stopped the train
And I say 'Uh, my... My wife's bag is back on the platform'
And she's like, I'm pretty sure English wasn't her first language
though she spoke great English
But I could see her kind of go like 'Heh, I mistranslated that'
Then she kind of rewinds it in her head, and says it again
and it still translates into
'My wife's bag is on the platform'
And she goes 'You pushed the emergency button because your wife's
bag is on the platform?'
Yeah. That's how I screamed
And I say, um, 'Yes'.
She goes, 'You can't push the 'Do not push' button because your wife
left her bag on the platform
And I go 'Ma'am, look, I'm very sorry, I didn't realize it would stop the train
and she goes 'You didn't stop the train. You stopped all the trains'
Because when one train stops, the rest have to stop
so they don't smush into each other
And I was like
I didn't know that either
So, and she kind of like, she goes didn't stop the train you stopped all the
'you didn't stop the train you stopped all the trains'
and kind of like, walks away, because now some other guy is there
and he looks at me and goes
'This is going to be very expensive'
And I was like 'Oh my God, okay we'll figure it out, but in the meantime
in all honesty
I don't want my wife's most prized possessions to be destroyed
And I don't want someone to look at her underwear
I'm just kidding
Actually no, I'm not
But so... What's that?
You're a good husband
Thank you
Thank you. And I was like, okay, in the meantime
my wife's bag honestly is on the platform
What can we do about it?
So luckily, she was a train person. Part train, part person.
She was able to call and say 'Hi, if there's a grey bag, then don't destroy it
we have somebody here who owns it, if it hasn't been destroyed yet'
And it wasn't, someone found it and we got it, but the guy goes
'This is gonna be very expensive'
And I was like, 'Okay'
And then I was like, how much does it cost to stop
the entire European train system?
And the guy walks up to me and goes 'It's going to be about 150'
He didn't say any unit, he didn't say like, 150 drachmas, or 150 thousand, billion
and I kind of go 'Whoa, alright' and I go and I sit down next to Gen
and I go 'Baby, if this is a 150 thousand Euros, I'm just going to run'
'I love you. I have my phone. I'll be in Europe.'
But I was like, 'It's not a plane where you give them your passport, it's a train
I bought a ticket, they don't know who I am
If they do I can say I'm the guy from 7th Heaven or something
And I think I tried to say 'a' a lot, so that I seemed Canadian
I love Canadians obviously
So I was like, 'If it's a 150 thousand Euros I'm just gonna run
when the doors open I'm just gonna hoof it'
She was like, 'Yeah, you are'
So I get back up, and the guy brings up his little thing
And he's like, 'Alright 150 Euros'
I was like 'That's it?'
I mean, not that it's nothing. But I was like, 'Okay, here you go'
Now can I wash them
So it cost a 150 Euros, but we got the bag back, and that's...
Two great additions to the story
One was, Jensen said that after going to see the conductor
and there's no one there
and going back and squishing the button, the lady saying 'What's wrong?'
he was like, your response should have been
'There's no one driving the train!!'
The second place addition to the story is Mark Sheppard
whom I told the story, and he basically, I'm not going to say the word, but he said
'Eff you'
And I was thinking, he was probably on a train somewhere and he missed a flight
because some jerk off...
And I was like, 'Did you miss something?'
He goes 'No, but I've lived in London my whole life
and I've always wanted to stop the train'
He goes, 'You're here for a week and you do it? And it costs 150 Euros?'