Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Did I not say rare?
He offered to cook you
a new one.
That's right.
Wait another 40 minutes?
Forget about it.
I should have known better.
The French can't do steak.
Steak.
Sports.
War.
They pretty much suck
at everything I like.
I'd love to go to France.
Well, you won't be going
with me, sweetheart.
You wouldn't go to France.
France, china, jersey, I
got a list a mile long.
You're not interested
in seeing Paris, the Louvre?
Honey, I'm almost 40,
I have cable,
I can see the Eiffel
tower on Tv.
Okay?
Well, where do you want to go?
At this age, pretty much,
two places I like to go--
uptown and downtown,
and right now downtown
is starting to get on my nerves.
What?
I might have to pee again.
You just went
when I paid the check.
I know my body.
I'm may to have to go again.
Just give me a second.
You can't hold it?
I want to go back into
that bathroom
because I know it's nice.
Relax.
Honey, I don't know
if you've noticed,
but this is not exactly
my neighborhood.
Do you know what I mean?
Don't be such a homophobe.
I'm not a homophobe.
I saw Elton john live
at Madison square garden.
I sat in the third row
for two and a half hours.
I have to pee, five minutes.
Lala, be nice.
He likes you.
Uh huh.
Keep moving.
[ Club music ]
Are you sure
it was a gay club?
Yeah, man, you know,
they came out in front.
They were talking and then frank
put his arm around the guy
and they went off down
the street together.
Oh come on, listen
to yourself, man.
Frank is not gay.
He can't be.
Right?
Wrong.
I'm shocked but not surprised.
There has been inklings.
What do you mean,
inklings?
Look if frank is gay,
I'm gay.
I'm, I'm not gay.
[ Music ]
He's kidding.
All right.
The last couple of weeks
he keeps disappearing.
Yeah.
When I ask him
where he is going,
he tells me to shut up.
It's none of my business.
Well, hank,
that doesn't--
what are you guys
talking about?
Frank is gay.
What?
Yes.
McNEIL saw him coming out
of a gay club
with his arm
around a little boy.
Yep.
Oh, come on.
Of all the guys here, frank is
the least likely to be gay.
Who's the most likely?
Don't worry,
it's not you.
As a matter you're pretty far
down the list
and frank is right behind you,
so to speak.
Well, how do you explain
what I saw, because--
I don't know,
but he's not gay.
Come on.
He's been married to Jeanne
for like 20 years.
She's a beard.
Well, who knows?
Maybe she's a lesbian
and they've got some kind
of deal worked out.
Oh, so they're both gay.
Yeah.
You guys keep up this excellent
detective work
and soon we'll all
be homosexual.
Yeah, well,
not me.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Maybe I should just talk to him.
You know what I mean?
That's no good.
He's not running around
waving a copy of "rump monthly"
over his head,
he's in the closet.
I say we tail him.
No, no way.
Well, let's find out where
he's running off to.
I'm not going
to tail him.
Tommy?
Yeah.
Tommy, I've got to go out.
Cover for me, will ya?
All right.
Look, if you ask
about what you saw,
he's just going
to deny it.
Let me handle this?
Frankie!
Oh, I went down to that place
in the village last night.
The one you told me about.
Yeah.
It was great.
Did you tell them
I sent ya?
Yeah.
Treated me like a prince.
Good.
So what did you
do last night.
Uh, I watched a john Wayne
festival on amc.
Now there was
an undervalued actor.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[ Music ]
Well?
Follow him.
[ Music ]
Modern day America.
[ Music ]
Pip, do you know somewhere
I can buy a scale.
The kind you weigh
yourself on?
Yeah--my mother's going
to Florida tomorrow
and she wants one down there.
Why doesn't she buy one
in Florida?
Because she's psychotic.
You should ask frank.
He can get anything
you want for free.
You know I'd like
to try that.
What?
Getting stuff
for free like frank.
But I can pay.
Come on, it's easy.
I've seen him do it
a million times.
Come on.
Ah, pip, I don't know.
Stop, come on.
You know something's going
to go wrong.
I don't like this.
Unbelievable.
I mean, that guy is so gay
even the g is soft.
He's J.
It's not even the guy I saw him
with last night.
Of course not,
Frank's a glutton.
He's goes through guys the same
way he goes through food.
Right now to him, the world
is a great big man-meat buffet.
I don't know.
I think, I think pip's right.
There's got to be
an explanation.
Yeah.
Well,
that john Wayne thing,
that's a little something
we call over compensation.
And I didn't tell you this.
We were in the car
the other day.
Yeah.
And he starts singing
"hello dolly.
"
So?
He knew all the words.
Really?
All of them.
There's no excuse for that,
mike, and you know it.
Uh-oh.
Looks like trouble
in paradise.
Frank must have
said something.
Yeah.
"I want to be on top tonight.
"
He's coming this way.
Come on.
We can get a good look.
Watch your eyebrows.
This guys about to burst
into flame.
Are you using the phone?
No.
No.
No.
Go ahead.
Hey, hey it's me.
Yes, yes, I was just with him,
and, oh my god, he's impossible.
He's, no, like I'm supposed
to be at his beck and call,
like I'm his little slave
and he's got all these demands.
No, I know, listen,
I wish I could just walk away
but you know, I always get
so emotionally involved.
Well, he is a monster and I--
he is just so selfish.
No.
I'm going to go back
to the office.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Thank you.
Frank is selfish.
[ Music ]
I'm just saying.
Why should you pay?
Just let me do this, okay?
All right,
knock yourself out.
Hey, how are you doing?
Detective Phillips,
Hello.
We just stopped by
to make sure everything
is going okay and let you know
we're keeping an eye on things
for you.
Now if you ever have
any trouble,
here's my direct number.
You give me a call.
Uh, by any chance
do you sell scales?
I'm looking
for a bathroom scale.
I am here today.
Just I am here.
See there, right there, that's
what we're looking for, a scale.
No, no, no, no, down, no,
the blue and white.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Do you think he's ever
going to come back?
Hard to say.
Oh, come on,
let's just go.
No, Jan.
I'm getting you
this scale.
Pip, there are plenty other
stores in Manhattan
where you--ah.
Hello.
One, two.
No, we just need one.
No, it's good.
How much do I owe you?
You are police?
That's right.
Forty-six dollars.
No, no, no.
Police.
Forty-six dollars.
[ Music ]
This worked out well.
Thanks, fellas.
Have a good one.
Ah.
Here you go.
I don't know, man.
I still can't get
my head around this.
Man, you never know
about people.
We all have our secrets.
So what if frank is gay?
Huh? It doesn't change anything.
He's still frank,
the frank that we know and love.
You've got to tell
yourself that.
Yeah.
I hope he's not thinking
about us in that way.
I don't know.
I hope he's not
thinking about me.
Why would he do that?
Well, come on.
I'm not a bad looking guy.
Huh.
What? What?
You wouldn't do me
if you were gay?
No man.
You're way too complicated.
Well, who would you do?
What?
If you were gay and you had
to pick somebody at work,
who would you pick?
I'm not playing.
I'd do Ruben, I think.
He's small like a woman,
you know, and he,
you know he's, uh, well,
women seem to like him.
I mean, Jan's always
talking about him.
She's always talking about how
soft his hair looks and stuff.
What?
You've actually given
this some thought.
No--Jan was talking
about it.
[ Music ]
Hey.
Hey.
Your mom like the scale?
Oh, she wanted beige.
She's never going
to like the thing anyway,
it's a piece of crap.
I got on it last night,
just curious.
It says I weigh 164.
And that's--
high, I mean, I weigh the same
as I did in high school,
thank you very much.
How much do you weigh?
Where's Michael?
Drinking himself to death
over this whole
"frank is gay" thing?
Oh, he's all shook up.
Yeah.
It's in the book,
in a minute.
You should have heard
him yesterday.
First he's wondering if frank,
he has a thing for him.
Oh, of course.
Then he starts talking about
if he was gay
who he'd do at the office.
You're kidding.
It was really weird.
Then he started going on and on
about how he'd do Ruben.
He says he's small like a woman,
he has nice hair,
I mean, it was really weird.
Oh, my god.
I've got to run upstairs.
Watch my phone, huh?
Yeah, sure.
[ Music ]
He said what?
[ Music ]
Hello, I'm looking
for detective Phillips?
You just missed him.
Can I help you with something?
Detective Phillips bought
a couple of bathroom scales
at my store yesterday.
Oh, I was with him.
I was actually the one
buying the scale.
Oh, oh, well then,
I am here to apologize.
My brother, he told me
the scales he gave you,
I was so upset,
they are garbage.
I know, I got on it last night
and it's says I weigh
They are all off five,
ten pounds.
These are what you want.
These are digital.
These are top of the line.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Thank you.
I just need the other scales
back for inventory.
Oh, well, mine's at my mother's
and I don't actually know
where his is.
Oh, but you can find them.
I guess so.
Well, as soon
as you get them both,
you call me.
I'll come right over
and pick them up.
Oh, no, no,
I'll bring them down.
No, just call me.
I'll come right over.
Yes.
[ Music ]
Hey.
Hey.
You been working out?
Yeah.
[ Music ]
Oh great.
Here's your new one.
Hey, hey,
see you were wrong.
I told you I was going
to get you a scale.
Um-hum.
Hey, this is a beauty.
It's nice, huh?
Let's see.
These are my heavy shoes.
Hey, jenny Craig,
you want to give me a hand?
I've got to find the Polaroids
from the victor file.
Oh yeah, I've got them
right here.
Oh, I just had the best lunch.
Tasty.
What was his name?
Huh?
Where?
Like two blocks from here.
The seafood goulash thing,
it was delicious.
Listen cover me
for a few minutes, will ya?
I've got to go out.
Yeah, go ahead.
Have fun.
[ Music ]
Hey, psst.
What do you got?
Evidence.
Look.
Harp music.
So?
Gay guys
love harp music.
They do?
Sure, it's light and airy
just like them.
If the instrument itself
wasn't so heavy
they'd all be playing it.
What's the other one?
Elton john's greatest hits.
I have that Cd.
What?
Nothing.
I'm going to talk to him,
this is ridiculous.
Well, my vote is already in.
Frank is definitely gay.
Stop saying that.
Don't you think
this hurts me too?
[ Music ]
Hey.
Hey.
I like the haircut.
Thanks.
[Sirens]
[ Music ]
See you later, man.
All right.
What are you doing?
I don't know
about this, pip.
What?
You had to see this guy,
this scale guy,
he was like, I don't know,
jumpy, upper lip sweating.
If he said that thing
is a piece of trash,
why does he want it back
so badly?
You didn't ask him why?
Not really,
but it seemed real urgent
that he get them both back.
[ Music ]
Oh, now it makes sense.
Let's go get him.
Thanks.
So how are you doing?
I'm good,
and you? Good.
You know.
I'm good, good.
Um, so the thing I wanted
to talk to you about--
--listen mike I'm glad you
wanted to talk
because I've got something,
something I've been thinking
about sort of weighing on me.
Really?
Yeah,
a personal thing.
Yeah.
How personal?
Pretty personal.
Uh-Huh.
So what did you want
to talk about?
No, no, you go.
Well, this is hard.
It's kind of a two-part problem.
I've got this thing going on
that nobody knows about
and I've come to find out--
well, I'm just going to say it.
I'm attracted to somebody
at work.
Really.
Who?
You--I'm gay and I think you're
really hot
and I want to do it with you.
Frank I've got
to tell you-
-You moron.
What the hell is a matter
with you?
You actually think I'm gay?
Shh-no.
Well, that's not what I heard.
Who told you?
Al.
Al? It figures.
Just what is it exactly
about me that screams gay?
The wardrobe?
The eight dollar
and fifty cent haircut?
The wife of 23 years?
How am I gay?
Look, I was the one at work
telling people
it wasn't possible,
but what were you doing
coming out of the sex club
two nights ago?
You saw me?
No, Al did.
Oh, I got a call
from wilder downtown.
They're looking for this suspect
and gay kid into fat guys.
Oh, chubby chaser.
How did you know that?
Just, tell you're story.
Well, this guy has already
given them the slip once
or twice so they send me in.
I cozy up to the guy
and tell him I've got a place
around the corner
and off we go.
Okay, but what about that guy
you had lunch with yesterday?
How about that guy?
What about him?
You followed me?
No.
Tommy did.
You guys are unbelievable.
My wife's sister's girl
is getting married.
Your niece.
Yeah, I guess.
Whatever.
So she's got me running
all around town like an idiot.
That guy I met,
he's the wedding planner.
You want to talk about gay.
Yeah, that guy was floating
a foot off the ground.
I thought you said
you weren't there.
Tommy told me.
Man, what a relief.
Hey, I'm not laughing.
What?
I'm very angry
with you.
What, because I thought
you were, you know.
No, I don't care
about that.
It really hurts, mike,
because I thought we were pals.
If I was gay,
dammit I'd tell ya.
You would?
Probably not,
but I'd want to tell ya.
And I'd hope you'd want
to tell me
if there was something going on
with you.
Of course.
Like this thing with Ruben.
What thing with Ruben?
The way you like Ruben
because he's small like a woman
and he's got nice hair
and soft lips.
Who told you that, pip?
No, Al.
Oh, Al knows?
So, it's true.
No, no, I was having a
hypothetical conversation
with pip when we thought
you were gay.
And I never said anything
about his hair and his lips.
That was Jan.
Well, I'm glad you're not gay.
I'm glad you're not gay.
You're not, right?
Mikey, read my lips.
I am not gay.
Good.
Just curious.
[ Music ]
Hey, Ruben,
how's it hanging, pal?
Huh?
Hey kid,
take it easy.
Look, frank.
I'm a very liberal person,
but having sex of any kind
on the street with another man
is just not--
hey, I was on a case.
I didn't have sex with the guy.
I was just talking to him.
Oh, but Al said that you--
Al was wrong.
I'm sorry, frank.
I should know better than
to get involved with, with,
with work place gossip.
Yes, you should,
most definitely.
Hey, I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
Why not?
Well, Mikey's got
a real thing for you
and he's had a few drinks
so he's hornier than hell.
If I were you,
I'd go back in the stall
and don't come out until I tell
you the coast is clear.
Oh, my god.
Okay.
Okay.
[ Music ]
You know, I've got
to hand it to you.
You only had one thing to go on
but you trusted your gut
and you went after it.
I'm impressed.
Thank you very much.
And thank you for my scale.
I told you I'd get it,
and you thought something
was going to go wrong.
Ha, ha, I know.
I guess you can't be right
all the time.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, you've got to bring
that scale back.
We need it for evidence.
You better call your mom.
Uh, we're going
to have to wait now.
She's on her way
to Florida.
She's probably
at the airport already.
Oh, my god, pip.
What?
My mother is at the airport.
The dogs found it
in your luggage.
I don't care what
your dogs found.
If I miss my flight, I'm going
to kick some serious ***.
You hear me?
[ Music ]
? Boom boom boom boom ?
[ Music ]