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That's pretty good.
You ever think
of auditioning for the Rockettes?
The best physical I ever had
was back in W.
W.
I
from a pretty little mademoiselle
in a French farmhouse.
The only time I ever had my reflexes
checked without a hammer.
Of course, my mademoisellin' days
ended with the armistice
- the one I signed with Mildred.
- Shh!
How are the tubes?
- 165 over 93.
- Can't be.
Take it again.
I did it twice.
That's the best of the two.
Damn! If my diastolic's over 90,
the chief surgeon's
gonna yank me right out of here
and stick me in some weenie job
sittin' in a stateside hospital,
rubber stamping bedpan inventories.
You can't be sure of that.
Pierce, the army is always on the lookout
to 86 an old sawbones.
They love bringing in young bucks who
haven't even unwrapped their scalpels yet.
Everything else looks good.
Your blood count, chest X-ray, E.
K.
G.
Do me a favor.
Knock four points
off the diastolic and 15 off the systolic.
The chief surgeon'll
never know the difference.
Listen, for once,
I agree with the army.
There's a good reason why they
don't fool with those high numbers.
When it comes to the cardiovascular system,
I'm not gonna fudge.
Damn it!
This is my last physical!
Nobody's gonna yank me out of the rat race
until I've crossed the finish line.
Listen, I know you.
You wouldn't fake it for me.
Wait a minute.
This physical doesn't
have to be in for two more weeks.
Can I buy a little time
from you, Pierce?
I know I can reduce
the old pressure P.
D.
Q.
That's fine with me.
But you know
what that means, don't you?
No salt, no caffeine,
no ***, no cigars.
Easier done than said.
And most important,
you can't let yourself get aggravated.
There's a lot of pressure
in running this place.
- You're gonna have to roll with the punches.
- Don't worry, Pierce.
I'm gonna take a two-week vacation
in the state of tranquillity.
And you can help by
keeping this under your hat.
I don't want everybody in camp treating me
like some doddering old fogy.
You're absolutely right.
Let me help you down from there.
Ah-ah-ah.
Just a tranquillity test.
Sir.
! Sir, I've been looking
all over for you.
Well, son, if you had looked where I was,
I would have been right there.
You don't understand, sir.
You forgot
to sign the form for my pass to Tokyo.
I left it on your desk,
but I guess you overlooked it.
Oh, I didn't overlook it.
I nixed it.
How could you do that, sir?
Son, it wasn't my doing.
It was yours.
H.
Q.
Says all your morning reports for
the past 60 days are 100% wrong.
Impossible! I fill out those morning reports
every few days like clockwork.
Unfortunately, 60 days ago,
they changed forms, and you didn't.
You mean I have to do
those reports all over again?
- Afraid so.
- Oh, sir, that's a mountain of work.
That'll take me at least
a week to climb it.
It's a good thing I'm gonna
be getting a couple days
in Tokyo to
freshen up for the job.
Wrong.
You can say
sayonara to Tokyo.
H.
Q.
Wants those new reports
in three days.
Sir, let me go to Tokyo.
There's no hurry.
It took 'em 60 days to find out
I was doing it wrong, didn't it?
- Now, look, Corporal,
I'm already getting a lot of flak
- Colonel
- What?
- This isn't worth getting excited about.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Klinger, you've got three days
to make a molehill out of that mountain.
Toodle-oo.
How do you like that?
He ruins my whole weekend, and he seems
happy about it.
Boy, that burns me!
Relax, will ya?
He was just doing his job.
Oh, yeah? Well,
he seems to enjoy the work.
And what's with you telling him
I'm not worth getting upset about?
I don't want him getting upset
about anything
so don't go grumping around
the office.
- Ha! I have not yet begun to grump.
- Klinger, drop it, will ya?
Oh, yeah? Give me
one good reason why.
I'll give you 165 over 93.
[Potter]
And now, for today's last bit of news.
This morning, the first robin of spring
was spotted entangled in a camouflage net.
Soon our fancies will turn to things
romantic, like mosquitoes.
When those skeeters arrive,
their bags will be filled with malaria
so it's top priority that you start taking
your weekly chloroquine pills again.
I now return you to your
regularly scheduled repast.
[Applause]
- Please, please.
- Loved your speech, sir.
I couldn't put it down.
Breakfast is on me.
Why, thank you, Igor.
- Uh, morning, Colonel.
How you feeling?
- So far, so good.
- Uh, that's not coffee, is it?
- Oop.
Just habit.
First thing in the morning.
Thanks for catching it.
Good morning, Colonel.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
- You have a restful night?
- Wouldn't know.
Slept right through it.
- Sir, is that coffee?
- So they tell me.
Why?
Because it's awful today.
Mmm.
Absolutely undrinkable.
Well, then, lucky for me,
I wasn't planning on drinking it.
Boy, these eggs are bland.
I think they threw the eggs away
and scrambled the cartons.
Hunnicutt, would you care to explain
what you just did with the salt?
Oh, that? I'm saving a seat,
uh, for Father Mulcahy.
Pierce, why is everybody
suddenly so concerned
about my eating
and sleeping habits?
- I guess 'cause you're such a swell guy.
- Not for long!
You've been tattling
about my physical condition.
Please, I thought we weren't
going to discuss that.
Colonel, you mustn't aggravate yourself.
It elevates a person's blood pressure.
That is, if a person
has a problem with it.
- Hello, all.
- Father, here.
I saved you a place to sit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Colonel, you're not gonna drink
that coffee, are you?
You even blabbed
to the priest!
Is nothing sacred to you?
Two lousy days.
The peace talks are a year behind.
That doesn't bother the army.
- Morning, Klinger.
How's it coming?
- Oh, wonderful, sir.
- Nothing like an early morning dip
in a sea of paper.
- So Pierce told you too.
Relax, sir.
I don't know a thing
about your blood pressure.
I didn't want
anybody to know
but in your case, I'm better off
making an exception.
Permission to treat the old man
with kid gloves.
- Oh, what have we got here?
- Oh, some medicine.
- It just came in from "l" Corps, sir.
- Good.
Probably the chloroquine.
- Sir, I'll give you a hand with that.
- No, no, no, you do your reports.
I think I can open a box of pills
without stressing myself.
What in Hannah's hell
have you done now?
- What are you talking about?
- You ordered the wrong damn medicine!
- That's what!
- Hey! Hey, keep it down.
There are people who need peace and quiet
here, and you're one of them, Colonel.
This eight ball ordered primaquine
instead of chloroquine.
I'm sure I ordered
what you asked for.
Oh, yeah? I'm surprised you
didn't order Anthony Quinn.
On second thought,
that would have been an improvement.
At least he could
act like a clerk.
Calm down, Colonel.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.
Hey, I didn't do
anything wrong, honest.
I'll show you.
I got the requisition form
right here in my files.
[Scoffs]
I'll show you.
Will you look
at all that junk?
Probably the only file
with a cake in it.
- That's just a doughnut.
I save them to bribe the rats.
- Relax, Colonel.
There's no emergency.
We can get by with the primaquine.
At least we can keep
the malaria in check.
If it's the same medicine,
why is everybody yelling at me?
- Because it's not exactly the same.
- Not by a damn sight.
Chloroquine's just a suppressant.
Primaquine's the curative.
Oh, well,
that explains everything.
They only give primaquine
to guys who are going home.
- Which leaves you out for sure.
- Look, it's better than nothing.
- Not by much.
And what about the Negroes?
- What did I do to them?
Sometimes Negroes suffer
bad side effects to primaquine.
As long as we control the dosage,
there won't be any problem.
This may be a hard pill to swallow,
but Klinger didn't foul up.
- He didn't?
- Of course I didn't.
I told you that.
No, the depot's out of chloroquine.
So just for now, they sent us primaquine.
- Oh, I see.
- Do you want me to take these pills
that I did not screw up
over to the Mess Tent?
No, you just dig into
your reports.
I want to make sure
these are handed out properly.
If you need me, just holler.
I'm sure you know how to do that.
Uh, listen, son,
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Aw, sir,
I couldn't stay mad at you.
I'll be okay.
I hope you will be too.
Yeah.
And give me some of
the hash blue potatoes.
Good choice.
Ah
[Mutters]
- Here's your primaquine, Colonel.
- Danke.
I hope you're making sure nobody gets
more than one of these little bonbons.
- Don't worry, sir.
No seconds.
- Kind of a shame.
- Probably the best-tasting item on the menu.
- Yeah.
And they don't aggravate
your blood pressure either.
[Knocking]
- [Knocking]
- Come in.
I thought you might like
some breakfast.
Oh, mighty thoughtful
of you, Major.
Just set it down over there.
Oh, you already have
something to eat.
Captain Hunnicutt brought
a little eye-opener an hour ago.
I feel like a Don McNeill
Breakfast Clubber.
I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right.
You just go back to sleep
and then when you wake up,
you can have breakfast and lunch.
- Good morning.
- And then dinner.
Okay, Klinger.
How ya doin'?
What happened to this place?
It's all over the place.
Please, I'm working.
I love what you've done with this room.
I see you've papered the floor.
You should have been here
an hour ago.
It was a mess.
Damn it, Klinger.
You've been at it a whole day.
Is this all you've done?
Type in "MASH 407"?
No, no.
No,
l-I did other stuff.
I found some morning reports
and I put 'em, uh,
in this pile.
You picked up some reports
and put them in a pile?
- You must be exhausted.
Why don't you take a break?
- Oh, thank you, sir.
If Potter walks in here and sees this mess,
he's gonna blow his stack.
- Is that what you want?
- No.
No, sir.
Then stop sulking around
like a little kid.
I am not, sir.
I'm just so tired.
L I can't seem to get going.
I bet you'd be able to get going to Tokyo,
though, wouldn't you?
Look, I'm gonna do something
I very rarely do.
I'm gonna give you
a direct order.
Fix those reports
and clean up this room!
- You understand?
- Yes, sir.
I'm really gonna get with it, sir.
You can count on me.
That's my sleepy-time pal.
I'll keep Potter out of here
while you rebuild this disaster area.
Ooh!
[Groans]
[Groans]
Nothing like an afternoon out
with the boys, eh, Colonel?
I appreciate the heartfelt concern,
lads, but truth be told
I was havin' a pretty peaceful time
cuddled up with Zane Grey.
Come on.
We know you.
After a couple of shoot-outs
you'd be moseying on over
to your office.
- What's wrong with that?
- Nothing.
But an office means work, work, work.
What you need is fun, fun, fun.
- There's Charles.
Let's sit with him.
- I thought you said fun.
- Would you like some
invigorating company, Charles?
- Indeed I would.
Sit down.
- See you around, guys.
- Oh, thanks, Charles.
We will.
So, how goes
the war of nerves, Colonel?
Well, well, Pierce.
For a minute there,
I thought you had missed somebody.
Winchester's the only one
who hasn't been killing me with kindness.
I thought the nicest thing I could do for you,
sir, would be to keep my distance.
- There's a lesson in that for you two.
- So, what'll it be, folks?
- Oh, that's a sweet-smellin' stogie.
- It oughta be, sir.
- Pure Havana.
- Wow.
Cheroots like that
are hard to come by around here.
- Say no more.
Here you go, Colonel.
- Ah! Sorry, Colonel.
Your body is a no-smoking zone.
Easy there, gents.
I don't inhale these.
I just invite the smoke into my mouth
for a quick rendezvous
followed by
a lingering au revoir.
Close, but no cigar.
- Yes, sir, warden.
- Okay, so, what are you drinking?
I'll have a lemonade.
Make it a double.
That sounds refreshing.
I think I'll have one too.
- Squeeze a glass for me as well.
- I'll have another cognac.
Wait a second, fella.
If you're gonna sit at
this table, you're not gonna have any ***.
First of all, fella,
cognac is hardly ***.
Secondly, this is my table.
I was sitting here quietly,
minding my own business
when suddenly I was set upon
by Captain Carrie Nation
and his traveling
temperance show.
Let the man have
what he wants.
So, what's it gonna be?
Lemonade.
Hold the cookies.
Winchester, I'm fed up
with your mollycoddling.
- What?
- Hello.
Colonel, I just wanted
to see how you were feeling.
- Crowded.
- Oh.
Well, I was just dropping by
on my way to post-op.
- Okay, guys, what'll we do for fun?
- How about some darts?
I wouldn't advise
letting me near anything sharp.
- Why don't you play some poker?
- Poker.
- Poker.
There's something I can deal with.
- All right.
Hit the deck.
Oh, boy, there's nothing like
life on the Mississippi.
I'm a little short
of long green this week
and I know you rubes
are good for a peso or two.
You mustn't play for cash.
Too much tension.
Poker isn't poker
without stakes.
- Here.
We'll play for pretzels, okay?
- Good idea, Hawk.
- Deal, Colonel.
- Pretzels? Geez louise!
Some pretzels, will you? On your way to
post-op, stop off at Klinger's office for me.
Find out if he's got that place back
to its normal state of upheaval.
- Of course.
- There's only so much lemonade
we can pour down the colonel.
Klinger's still not moping
about that pass, is he?
- I hope not.
- If that office is still dirty, I'll mop it up with him.
- Here we go.
- Uh-huh.
- Two for you, two for you, two for you.
- Oh.
- Okay, pigeons, ante up.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Salt.
[Gasps]
[Gasps]
- How dare you!
- Of course I'll respect you.
You miserable, selfish,
malingering louse!
- Oh, Major Houlihan.
- Don't you "major" me, soldier!
Look at this pigsty!
Get up!
Oh, oh! Please, Major.
You're hurting my back.
It's probably just overloaded from the weight
of all of those goldbricks.
No No, I mean it.
I feel rotten.
Maybe I got malaria or something.
I never had it as a kid.
Malaria, huh?
No fever.
- Have you had any chills?
- No.
- Did you take your primaquine?
- Yeah.
Then you certainly
don't have malaria.
You're just mad 'cause
you didn't get your pass
and you're taking it out on
the sweetest man who ever lived.
- [Helicopters Overhead]
- Choppers! Get off your duff, soldier!
[Groaning]
I'm crawling as fast as I can.
- There are only two more out there.
- We can handle them, Colonel.
- Why don't you knock off early?
- I like being in on things.
When I was a kid, I hated
eating dinner with the little people.
Always stuck us
at a rickety card table.
What's the progress report
on Klinger's office?
He was fast asleep,
and his room is a nightmare.
I think we should rename it
the mess hall.
I gave him a direct order
to clean that place up.
I can't believe Klinger
would do something so crummy.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
- I wouldn't put anything past that jerk.
He even claimed to have malaria,
and he didn't have a single symptom.
All right.
That does it.
I'm putting him on report.
- How do you do that?
- What's with the sotto voces?
- You got a problem there?
- [Both] No.
No.
No.
- Everything's fine.
- Everything's real smooth.
- Very nice, very nice.
- All sewn up here.
Take him back to post-op
and bring in the next unlucky devil.
- I'll need some gloves.
- I sent Goldman for some.
I don't know
what's taking him so long.
- I sent Goldman for those.
Where is he?
- Over there, Major.
Goldman, this is no time
for a coffee break.
Sorry, Major.
I don't know what it is.
I'm just so tired,
and my back is killing me.
You're in the way here.
Go rest in the changing room.
Soon as the doctor is free,
I'll have him look at you.
Sure, you believe him.
I've got
the same symptoms, and I'm a goldbrick.
It's not the same.
His back hurts, and he's tired and
Uh-huh.
It is the same,
only I had it first.
Well, I never know when to believe you
with all the stunts you've pulled.
I never pulled anything on the job, and I never
ever would pull anything on the colonel.
I'm sorry, Klinger.
Go on and rest in the changing room.
- Okay, let's see you make
that little uvula dance for me.
- Ahh.
Very good.
Wait right there.
What do you think?
- It looks like they're both anemic.
- Anemic, huh?
We won't know anything
until we run some tests.
If they weren't Caucasian, I'd think they
were having a reaction to the primaquine.
It could be mono
or hepatitis.
We may have the beginnings
of an epidemic on our hands.
We'd better isolate them
from both the camp and Potter.
I just feel so awful about
the way I treated Klinger.
There's a lot of that going around.
I hope his back is too sore to carry a grudge.
You take care of Klinger.
I'll see to Goldman.
Klinger, I have
one more order for you.
- Forgive me, please.
- That goes for me too.
I'll think it over while I'm resting up
from my imaginary disease.
- And just what is it I don't have?
- You have nothing to worry about.
You and Goldman
picked up a little bug.
For now, we're gonna put you
both in the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
I can't go there.
I gotta finish those reports.
The colonel's counting on me.
Don't you worry about a thing.
We'll take care of everything.
Why is everybody
being so nice to me?
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.
You gotta save me.
You said you liked me.
You're not getting out of here that easy.
Come on.
Let's go.
Father, I need your help.
You stay here and wait for Colonel Potter
and if you want to keep him
as your commanding officer
whatever you do,
don't let him near his office.
Major, you just volunteered
to come with me.
Oh, gee.
Sorry, Major, but with the exception
of some fund-raising
for the Boston Symphony Orchestra,
I don't do volunteer work.
Move it, buster!
Ah, Colonel Potter,
we were just talking about you.
Uh, Padre, you're alone.
That's why I'm
so glad to see you.
Now you change, and we'll
go someplace and have a chat.
Have a snack
in the Mess Tent.
- That's not your office.
- Can't argue with that.
Why the sudden surge
of sociability?
I just realized that we're
together day after day
and we've never really sat down
and chewed the fat.
So, tell me about the Midwest.
I hear it's flat.
Ah.
Oh.
Okay.
All right.
Now I need the post-op patient
status report for April 11.
I haven't the foggiest
idea where that would be.
- Well, look under "P.
"
- Post-op under "P"?
That is the one place
I know it won't be.
We must not labor under the delusion
that these were filed by another *** sapiens.
The last ones I found were
under "G" for "getting better.
"
Just what do you
suggest we do?
Burn the damn place down,
take a tax loss.
There it is, plain as day
hemolytic anemia.
- Mmm.
- I hate to sound like a broken record
but we've eliminated everything
but the primaquine.
Yeah, but the book says this is
only supposed to happen to Negroes.
It's a new pill.
Maybe the book isn't finished yet.
So, maybe the pill
is color-blind.
So, what do you say we take him off
the primaquine and see what happens?
We might as well.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
We've discovered a new medical procedure
take no pills and call me in the morning.
- It's a very interesting hypothesis.
- We take them off everything.
- That or chicken soup.
- Excuse me.
But would you three great scientists
stop patting yourselves on the back
and get down on your knees and help me find
the status reports for April 26?
Okay, but nobody ever talked that way
to Louis Pasteur.
Of course not.
He was French.
Is it true that pigs
are smarter than horses?
Padre, go ask a pig and a horse.
Whichever
gives you the best answer, that's the one.
Now let me in
my blessed office.
!
I never "rassled" a priest before,
but God knows you're giving me good reason!
What in Samuel Hill
hit this place?
Uh, sir,
it's not as bad as it looks.
Nothing could be
as bad as this looks!
Now, Colonel, no point in getting
yourself in a tizzy.
- No, sir.
Please, sit down.
- Where?
- Uh, maybe your tent.
- [Hawkeye] You can go take a nap.
And I'll get you
a nice glass of warm milk.
Just the thing
to soothe the nerves.
- [Shouts]
- I can't stand it anymore!
The next person who's nice to me
is gonna die with boots on mine!
I'll have no more of this
from any of you! Understood?
Boy, that sure felt good.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It's been, uh, two weeks
with no primaquine.
Congratulations, Maxwell.
Your blood is good to the last drop.
Boy, am I glad.
I was getting tired of being anemic.
Yahoo.
! [Laughs]
137 over 88.
!
- Wonderful numbers.
- You made it with two points to spare.
I know that.
I wanted
to give myself a little leeway.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
- [Clears Throat]
- Oh.
- Ah!
- Ahh.
[Knocking]
- That you, Klinger?
- I think so, sir.
What's left of me.
Howdy, son.
Looks like you had yourself
quite a weekend in Tokyo.
Beyond description.
Let me tell you about it.
First, I got sick on raw fish,
and a sumo wrestler fell on me.
Then I got thrown out of a geisha house
for leaving a ring around the bath.
And to top things off, I got flattened
by a hit-and-run rickshaw driver.
When they hit-and-run,
they really hit and run.
Sounds as if you had the worst
Tokyo weekend in history.
Not really, sir.
Corporal Goldman
reporting, sir.