Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
FEMALE SPEAKER: What's that smell?
Are you wearing cologne?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, it's Driven by Derek Jeter.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER: OK what just happened there?
MALE SPEAKER: I don't know.
She hooked up with me.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah.
I saw.
Why?
MALE SPEAKER: I don't know.
I think it had to do with my cologne.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You know I'm only making out with you
because you smell like Jeter, right?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, I don't care.
MALE SPEAKER: Leland, this is amazing.
Come on, you've been wanting this for so long.
MALE SPEAKER: Is it amazing?
It's never going to happen again.
MALE SPEAKER: What are you talking about?
Why?
MALE SPEAKER: Because Leif, I don't have
any more Jeter cologne.
Do you understand?
That was a sample.
This is worse than having never hooked up with her in
the first place.
I feel like Dwayne Wade in 2007.
[HONK]
[BOOING]
MALE SPEAKER: No, no, no, no, no.
Easy solution.
We go inside, we make some calls, order some new cologne.
MALE SPEAKER: You really think it's going to work?
MALE SPEAKER: I cannot imagine one possible scenario where it
won't work.
So you don't have any more?
Well, that doesn't help us.
Thanks.
Everyone's sold out.
MALE SPEAKER: Of course they're sold out.
OK, when people go out they want to smell like AstroTurf,
and Bengay, and Tough Actin' Tinactin.
People want to smell like athletes.
MALE SPEAKER: No, no, no.
When people go out, they want to smell like celebrities.
Remember that fragrance I made for Macaulay Culkin in the
early '90s?
MALE SPEAKER: Home Cologne?
NARRATOR (WHISPERING): Home Cologne.
MALE SPEAKER: I still have hundreds of
bottles of that stuff.
MALE SPEAKER: So how does that help me with Bev?
MALE SPEAKER: Easily.
We're going to find an athlete, put his name on that
cologne, slide samples of that cologne in the card packs
instead of gum, and then watch the money roll in.
MALE SPEAKER: But I still won't smell like Jeter.
MALE SPEAKER: No you won't.
But do you know what smells even better than Jeter?
MALE SPEAKER: Robinson Cano?
MALE SPEAKER: No, the sweet smell of success.
(TOGETHER) Ohhhhhhh--
Because Gaylen is out of the office at a bible study--
MALE SPEAKER: Slash singles retreat--
MALE SPEAKER: Father, son, holy ghost.
Now that's some synergy.
MALE SPEAKER: We have called all of you together to help us
come up with an athlete who can
represent our new fragrance.
Take it all in.
MALE SPEAKER: Smells like Macaulay Culkin to me.
NARRATOR (WHISPERING): Home Cologne.
MALE SPEAKER: I could have been rich.
Hey Bleisner, where's replacement Bleisner?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm not my brother's keeper.
MALE SPEAKER: So you guys are brothers.
MALE SPEAKER: In the Talmud, we learned that Aesop affixes
his hair to his arms, and--
MALE SPEAKER: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who are you?
MALE SPEAKER: I think it was Jacob by the way.
MALE SPEAKER: It was Jacob.
MALE SPEAKER: But who are you?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm [INAUDIBLE] brother, Mordecai.
MALE SPEAKER: Are you Jewish?
MALE SPEAKER: No.
Please don't tell my rabbi.
MALE SPEAKER: Hey my brothers.
Mind If I just set this up for little bit later?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, that's on.
That camera's on.
MALE SPEAKER: No, no.
It's just warming up.
MALE SPEAKER: OK that's weird, right?
Let's go somewhere where we can talk.
MALE SPEAKER: Exactly.
Thank you.
MALE SPEAKER: OK that was weird.
MALE SPEAKER: No what's weird is that I'm totally
pulling this off.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, you're really pulling that off.
MALE SPEAKER: You do pull it off.
You lose weight?
You look great.
MALE SPEAKER: Great.
Can we focus now?
We need an athlete to represent this cologne.
MALE SPEAKER: Got it.
Sandy Koufax.
MALE SPEAKER: I feel like that's a little old.
MALE SPEAKER: Fine.
Mark Spitz.
MALE SPEAKER: No, again that's just another Jewish athlete.
MALE SPEAKER: Sue me.
I'm proud of my heritage.
MALE SPEAKER: But you're not Jewish.
MALE SPEAKER: I've got it.
Andres Galarraga.
MALE SPEAKER: Ew.
OK, let's whisper the name because in cologne
commercials, when they whisper the name, its always sexy.
It sounds good.
MALE SPEAKER: OK.
NARRATOR (WHISPERING): Galarraga.
MALE SPEAKER: That did sound good.
MALE SPEAKER: Right?
MALE SPEAKER: I feel like it's going to smell like catnip.
MALE SPEAKER: What about--
NARRATOR (WHISPERING): Andujar.
MALE SPEAKER: I like that.
MALE SPEAKER: It's a little aggressive.
MALE SPEAKER: But it might be too aggressive.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, little too aggressive.
MALE SPEAKER: (WHISPERED) Hank Greenberg.
MALE SPEAKER: OK, that's again, another Jewish athlete.
MALE SPEAKER: (WHISPERED) Eliot Gould.
MALE SPEAKER: Eliot Gould's not even an athlete.
MALE SPEAKER: I've got it.
Candy Maldonado.
MALE SPEAKER: Do we call it Candy or Maldonado?
MALE SPEAKER: Is that even a question?
MALE SPEAKER: (WHISPERED) Tova Feldenshush.
MALE SPEAKER: That is not even a real person.
MALE SPEAKER: No.
Adding a Bergstein at the end of Tovah--
MALE SPEAKER: Let him finish the name, and
then we can tell him--
MALE SPEAKER: (WHISPERED) Dr. Tovah--
MALE SPEAKER: OK, see now I hear Dr. Tovah
Feldenshushbergstein and I'm thinking yes, I've got--
MALE SPEAKER: That could be a person.
MALE SPEAKER: New cologne card packs came in today, and while
they don't smell like Jeter, get ready to
have your world rocked.
Right?
I mean come on.
Amazing, huh?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Uh huh.
MALE SPEAKER: Where are you going?
What are you doing?
FEMALE SPEAKER: I'm going to go find a baby's diaper to
change so I can get the smell out of my nose.
MALE SPEAKER: Really?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah.
Preferably a baby's who's eaten a lot of chili.
MALE SPEAKER: Well, that was a disaster.
MALE SPEAKER: My son has been throwing up all night long.
Who's in charge here?
I need to talk to somebody.
So you don't work here?
MALE SPEAKER: No, I don't.
I wander through the halls--
MALE SPEAKER: Well who's in charge?
MALE SPEAKER: We are.
MALE SPEAKER: Oh way to go.
MALE SPEAKER: Well you guys have a lot of
explaining to do.
MALE SPEAKER: Why?
What explaining do we have to do?
MALE SPEAKER: My son has been throwing up all night long.
MALE SPEAKER: I feel like I'm going to [BLEEP]
my stomach out.
MALE SPEAKER: Why is that our responsibility?
MALE SPEAKER: Because he drank your cologne.
MALE SPEAKER: Why would he drink our cologne?
That's--
I'm sorry, but that's foolish.
MALE SPEAKER: I don't know.
Maybe because you called it this.
NARRATOR (WHISPERING): Candy.
MALE SPEAKER: I knew we should have gone with Maldonado.
MALE SPEAKER: That's what I said.
MALE SPEAKER: No, that's what I said.
MALE SPEAKER: I said Maldonado from the beginning.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Hey.
What's that smell?
MALE SPEAKER: Oh, that's me.
I'm wearing Derek Jeter's cologne.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Hello sailor.
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, not now Spencer.
Daddy's involved in a very important conversation.
MALE SPEAKER: Listen, can I invite you to take a tour of
the office?
MALE SPEAKER: Sure.
Stay right there, Spence.
Be back in about 20.
MALE SPEAKER: Spencer, are you uh, are you in therapy?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No.
MALE SPEAKER: You should be.
MALE SPEAKER: You should really start thinking about
being in therapy.
MALE SPEAKER: You really should be.