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WE NEED A MAN--
WE NEED A MAN WHO CAN GET THE JOB DONE !
DADDY, HE'S OUR ONLY HOPE, AND YOU KNOW IT.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT SINCE WE KICKED HIM OUT,
HE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH US.
THERE'S NO WAY TO PERSUADE HIM TO COME BACK.
PERHAPS I CAN PERSUADE HIM.
NICE PIECE OF TUCHAS !
THAT IS MY DAUGHTER.
WHAT ?
( Mordechai ) IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE HANUKKAH
WHEN SHE STROLLED INTO MY OFFICE.
( knocking )
COME IN.
MR. JEFFERSON CARVER ?
UH, YEAH, PLEASE, CALL ME MORDECHAI.
AND SHUT THE DOOR, I'VE A TERRIBLE CLUSTER HEADACHE.
FROM THE WAY SHE CARRIED HERSELF,
I COULD TELL SHE HAD BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES.
SORRY I'M LATE, TRAFFIC WAS A PISHER,
AND I'VE BEEN SCHLEPPING AROUND THE BLOCK FOR
30 MINUTES LOOKING FOR PARKING.
OH, THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO HER IF SHE WASN'T A CLIENT.
THE THINGS I'D DO TO HER IF SHE WAS A CLIENT.
THE THINGS I'D DO TO HER IF I WASN'T SO... FLACCID.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO ?
It must be too much cream cheese...
OH, CLIENT NOTES.
( woman moaning ) *** me, Hammer !
( Mordechai ) Who's your Abba ?
( commotion )
( tape finally stops )
SO WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR ?
MY NAME IS ESTHER.
CHIEF BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL FROM THE JEWISH JUSTICE LEAGUE
DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
OH.
HOW IS OLD CHIEF BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL ?
IS HE STILL SHTUPPING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES ?
NO, HIS DAYS OF MARITAL INFIDELITY
HAVE LONG SINCE PASSED.
NOW HE JUST SHTUPS MY MOTHER EXCLUSIVELY.
YOUR MOTHER ?
YEAH.
OH, WHOOPS.
MORDECHAI, SANTA'S BEEN RUBBED OUT BY HIS EVIL SON, DAMIEN.
THIS MAN IS A DEMON.
THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THIS ANTI-SEMITIC PSYCHO SANTA
IS CAPABLE OF.
LOOK, I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT SANTA.
HE WAS AN OLD FRIEND, BUT MY DAYS OF WORKING--
MR. HAMMER.
I'D LIKE TO HIRE YOU TO PUT A TAIL ON MY HUSBAND.
I THINK MY LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER.
I THINK HE WANTS... TO KILL ME.
YEAH, LOOK, SHIKSA, I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.
I'M THE HEBREW HAMMER, MIKE HAMMER'S DOWN THE HALL.
OH.
SO ESTHER, YOU SEEM LIKE A--
( door slamming )
AS I WAS SAYING, YOU SEEM--
( door slamming )
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GIRL, BUT I NO LONGER AFFILIATE MYSELF
WITH THAT PARTICULAR ORGANIZATION OF POLITICS.
THEY WERE BRUTAL, AND BESIDES, I ALREADY GOT A FULL CASELOAD.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL DONE ELECTRONICALLY NOW.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT ?
ALL MY FATHER WANTS IS TO JUST SPEAK WITH YOU.
LOOK, I HATE TO CUT YOU OFF...
BUT IN AN HOUR, THE SUN GOES DOWN.
AND THEN IT'S OFFICIALLY THE SABBATH.
AND I DON'T WORK ON THE SABBATH.
I'M AFRAID THIS IS WHERE WE PART WAYS, BUBBELA.
I'M NOT LEAVING YOUR SIDE UNTIL YOU AGREE TO COME
AND SPEAK WITH MY FATHER.
OKAY.
BUT I GOTTA WARN YOU, I'M HAVING DINNER AT
MY MOTHER'S TONIGHT.
IF YOU THINK I'M DIFFICULT, WAIT 'TIL YOU MEET HER.
BEFORE WE LEAVE, THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING.
THE SIGN ON YOUR DOOR SAYS THAT
YOU'RE A CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED ***.
DO YOU MIND IF I ASK TO SEE YOUR CREDENTIALS ?
MORDECHAI !
MOM !
SHABBAT SHALOM.
OKAY, I BROUGHT THE MANISCHEWITZ.
BLACK LABEL, LIKE YOU LIKE IT.
I CAN SEE.
YOU ALSO BROUGHT A NICE GIRL TO EAT BY US !
HI, I'M--
BUBBE SHAYNA !
OH...
NICE TO MEET-- OH !
AH, WOW !
WHOA, UPSY DAISY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, MOM.
MOM ?
ALL RIGHT, MOM !
MOM.
THAT'S GOTTA BE JOSTLING.
SO... DO YOU HAVE A NAME ?
ESTHER.
OH, FROM THE STORY OF PURIM.
SO NOW THAT WE'RE ACQUAINTED, LET'S GO SIT DOWN AND START
THE SABBATH.
OY VEY, I'M STUFFED.
I COULDN'T EAT ANOTHER LATKE IF YOU PAID ME.
EVERYBODY READY FOR THE MAIN COURSE ?
OH, MOM, MOM, PLEASE, SERIOUSLY.
WE'VE HAD FOUR KINDS OF CHICKEN ALREADY.
I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.
NONSENSE, YOUNG MAN.
YOU'LL EAT EVERYTHING THAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU.
AFTER ALL, THE PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN CHINA !
AREN'T THEY, MONCHI ?
AY.
NOT UNTIL MORDECHAI EATS EVERYTHING THAT'S
IN FRONT OF HIM !
( mumbling )
SO... ESTHER.
HOW DID YOU AND MORDECHAI MEET ?
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL HIM THE HEBREW HAMMER.
HA, WOW...
MOM, PLEASE.
SHE WORKS FOR THE J.J.L.
AND THEY TRIED TO GET HER TO RECRUIT ME TO SAVE HANUKKAH.
WHAT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE IS,
IS THAT NOBODY, NOT EVEN GOD HIMSELF,
WILL EVER GET ME TO WORK FOR THOSE PEOPLE EVER AGAIN.
BUT HANUKKAH IS IN DANGER--
NOT MY PROBLEM !
EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA USE THE BATHROOM.
YOU LIKE MY MORDECHAI, YES ?
YES, HE'S VERY NICE, BUT MRS. CARVER,
THE FATE OF HANUKKAH LIES SOLELY--
HANUKKAH, SHMANUKKAH, IT ISN'T EVEN THE HIGH HOLIDAY.
I'M MORE CONCERNED WITH THE FACT
THAT MY BOYCHICK IS ALMOST 30,
AND YET HE STILL HASN'T SETTLED DOWN WITH A NICE JEWISH GIRL.
I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.
I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE HANUKKAH PROBLEM,
IF YOU HELP ME WITH MY MORDECHAI.
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO ?
GOD FORBID THE NICE JEWISH GIRL SHOULD COME
AND EAT BY HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
GET HIS MIND OFF HIS WORK.
MAYBE A LITTLE *** HERE AND THERE ?
( choking )
UH, UH--
IS THAT SOMETHING YOU COULD DO FOR ME ?
( Mordechai ) HEY, MOM, WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE PLUNGER ?
IT'S UNDER THE SINK, NEXT TO MY TAMPONS !
IS IT A DEAL ?
WHAT ARE YOU TWO YENTAS YAKKING ABOUT ?
I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR NICE FRIEND
HOW I HAVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE GAS.
OH.
SO AFTER I STARTED TAKING TWO CHARCOAL PILLS BEFORE I ATE,
IT CLEARED THE WHOLE PROBLEM RIGHT UP.
AH, WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
I'LL HAVE TO TRY THAT WITH MY GAS.
MORDECHAI ?
DO YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER ?
NO.
YES, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE MY MOTHER, OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
THEN WHEN ARE YOU GONNA STOP WITH THIS F'COCKTA
CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED *** NONSENSE
AND GET YOURSELF A REAL JOB ?
I DO HAVE A REAL JOB !
I HELP PEOPLE OUT, I DO GOOD THINGS FOR THE COMMUNITY.
I PLAY CARDS WITH THE GIRLS,
AND THEY ALL HAVE WHAT TO TALK WITH WITH THEIR SONS !
THEY SHOW PICTURES !
THEIR SONS ARE LAWYERS AND DOCTORS AND RABBIS !
YES, WHY CAN'T I SHOW A PICTURE ?
THEN DON'T SHOW A PICTURE !
DON'T SHOW A PICTURE, DON'T SHOW THEM !
MY FRIEND MAUREEN ?
HER SON, THE INVESTMENT BANKER ?
HE PAID FOR HER ENTIRE RETIREMENT IN BOCA RATON !
OH, WHAT A MENSCH HE IS, WHAT A MENSCH HE IS !
YES !
WAS IT BOCA ? WAS IT IN BOCA RATON ?
GO BACK TO BUSINESS SCHOOL AND GET YOUR M.B.A.,
SO MAYBE I CAN GO TO BOCA, TOO !
OH, I'LL SEND YOU TO BOCA, I'LL SEND YOU RIGHT TO BOCA.
ALL RIGHT, SO I GET IT, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
BECAUSE MY SAVING HANUKKAH NOW
IS SUDDENLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY MOTHER, IS THAT IT ?
I DON'T WANNA ARGUE.
OH, YOU DON'T WANNA ARGUE, REALLY ?
ARE YOU A PEACEFUL WOMAN ?
I WANT TO EAT IN PEACE.
IS THAT WHAT YOU DO ?
YOU SPREAD PEACE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WE'RE GONNA ARGUE.
WE'RE GONNA FINISH THIS, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM ?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM ?
I'M GONNA SAVE HANUKKAH, JUST TO SPITE YOU, ALL RIGHT ?
AND NEXT YEAR, YOU KNOW, WHEN HANUKKAH ROLLS AROUND,
AND I'VE BEEN PLASTERED ALL OVER THE NEWSPAPERS
AND TELEVISION SETS, AND LITTLE KIDS
AND FASHIONISTAS ARE READING PAGE SIX TO SEE WHAT
THE HEBREW HAMMER'S WEARING,
HAMMER COUTURE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE WEARING !
AND YOUR FRIENDS AND THEIR LITTLE KIDS ARE OPENING UP
THEIR LITTLE PRESENTS AND LITTLE DREIDELS,
THEY'LL HAVE ME TO THANK FOR IT.
BUT YOU WON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM, YOU WON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM
BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANNA SHOW THEM A PICTURE !
YOU SEE HIM ? HE USED TO BE NORMAL !
HE WAS NORMAL WHEN HE MOVED IN !
NOW LOOK AT HIM !
DO WHAT YOU MUST.
HE'S A GOOD BOY, MY SON.
( cat meowing )
MAZEL TOV !
OH, MAZEL TOV.
OH, MY MAZEL TOV.
OH, MAYBE WE HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPIE.
LET'S OPEN YOU UP, HERE WE GO.
AIR OUT YOUR TUCHAS, LET THE TUSHIE AIR OUT.
MOM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT THE CAT OUT OF ITS MISERY, REALLY ?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOD'S WAY !
MAZEL TOV IS GONNA LEAD A FULL LIFE, JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.
AREN'T YOU, MAZEL TOV ?
YES, WE'LL PUT YOU DOWN, WE'LL GET YOU ANOTHER DIAPER.
WATCH YOUR KEPPE, THERE YOU GO.
SO...
ANYBODY READY FOR DESSERT ?
( doorbell )
( woman's voice ) JEW CONFIRMATION TEST INITIATED.
OH, MAN, THEY'RE STILL DOING THIS ?
PLEASE STATE YOUR FULL HEBREW NAME.
MORDECHAI BARUCH NETANYAHU.
PLEASE STATE THE SIX DISHES FOUND
ON THE PASSOVER SEDER PLATE IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER.
BEITZAH, CHAROSET, CHAZERET, KARPAS, MAROR, ZEROA.
PLEASE DEMONSTRATE MUSICAL APTITUDE.
( plays "Hava Nagila" )
PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND REMOVE YOUR UNDERGARMENTS.
OOH, THAT'S COLD.
( pop )
CIRCUMCISION CONFIRMED.
FINAL TEST INITIATED.
HELLO ?
I THINK THIS MACHINE'S BROKEN OR SOMETHING.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE HERE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I SCHLEP OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,
FOR LORD KNOWS WHAT REASON, I'M SO UNHAPPY WITH THIS SITUATION.
IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO BE YOUR OWN MAN ?
I CAN'T BREATHE.
WHAT THE *** IS ALL THIS SMOKE ?
WHY ? WHY ? WHY, MORDECHAI ?
... TESTING FACILITY.
( siren )
WELCOME BACK, HAMMER.
COME ON, THERE'S MORE.
WE'VE EVEN RELAXED OUR AGE-OLD ADMISSION CRITERIA.
MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER,
I WANT YOU TO MEET THE J.J.L.'S FIRST BLACK JEWISH AGENT.
A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, MR. SAMMY DAVIS JR., JR.
THE HEBREW HAMMER ?
I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS CAT.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BABE, KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.
YES, YOU KEEP ON CONTINUING TO DO THE SAME.
SAMMY, GIVE US A MINUTE, WOULD YOU ?
I GOT A NAIL I WANNA HIT WITH THIS PARTICULAR HAMMER.
YOU TWO CATS KEEP ON PURRING.
( purring and tap-dancing )
I USED TO HAVE LEGS LIKE THAT ONE TIME.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH NICEY-NICEY.
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR
AT THE AIRPORT.
HEY, LISTEN.
I GOT THE JOB DONE, I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.
G-DASH-D DAMMIT, HAMMER !
YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOVE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ?
I WANT YOU TO GET THAT SANTA CLAUS
AND BRING HIM BACK HERE WITH NO FANCY SCHMANCY !
HEY, LISTEN, IT'S YOUR BAR MITZVAH, JACK.
I'M JUST READING THE TORAH PORTION.
I'M GLAD YOU CAN BE SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS.
HEY, LISTEN, I CAN BE CHALANT ABOUT IT IF YOU LIKE.
THEN AGAIN, I'M NOT EVEN SO SURE THAT'S A WORD.
SO WE CAN SIT AROUND ALL DAY LONG AND ARGUE
AND MAKE UP WORDS LIKE "CHALANT" AND "IRREGARDLESS"
AND "CONTUSENVASEN"
IF WE FEEL LIKE IT, BUT I GOT A CASE TO CRACK.
WHAT'S YOUR FIRST MOVE ?
I'M GONNA CONTACT THE BROTHERS OVER AT THE K.L.F.,
SEE IF THEY GOT THE SKINNY ON SANTA'S LOCATION.
I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
BE CAREFUL, HAMMER.
REMEMBER !
THE FATE OF HANUKKAH RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT ?
I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT EASY
WITH THAT STUFF, OKAY ?
I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE FOR ONE JEW.
I MEAN, I'M SCHVITZING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING AS IT IS.
REALLY, I'M ONLY HUMAN, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I'M ENTITLED TO MAKE A MISTAKE HERE AND THERE, OKAY ?
I MEAN, SO I'M GONNA DO THE BEST I CAN DO,
AND THAT'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU.
OKAY ?
IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT ME ?
( woman ) I LOVE YOU, HAMMER !
♪ TIME IS TRULY WASTING ♪
LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, SHIKSA.