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Steven: Tonights debate, should we be vegetarians?
Stephen: NO!
Steven: YES!
Stephen: NOOOO!
Steven: Well Stephen,
what makes you think the carnivorous way is the right one?
Stephen: Steven, let me answer you by quoting the Old Testament,
Genesis, Chapter 9: Verse 2,
"any beast or bird or creeping thing or fish you may eat."
Steven: Well said Stephen, but did you know that the ספר העיקרים says
that eating animals breeds negative traits
and that in the time of Adam they only ate plants!
Stephen: Pansies!
Steven: Exactly Stephen,
and the אברבנאל says that eating plants keeps people easy-natured!
Stephen: But Steven! What about the children!?
Steven: Funny you should ask, Stephen,
seeing as God accepts Adam's son Abel's animal offering,
and rejects his other son Cain's "fruit of the soil offering."
Cain grows angry, murders his brother, and is cursed for eternity.
Stephen: How morbid Steven,
yet it seems like you are advocating on behalf of meat-eaters!
Quit tergiversating and cut to the chase!
Steven: Let me answer your question with another question—
Stephen: But I didn't ask a—
Steven: Quiet Stephen!
Now, how many Jews standing around a mountain
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Uh...
Steven: That was rhetorical.
But the answer is that non-kosher animals
are physically unhealthy,
according to the ספר החינוך.
Stephen: Steven, I eat meat at a questionably kosher dining
establishment every shabbos and I'm in tip-top shape!
Steven: Well... Um... Hmmm... Oh!
Well then if not physically unhealthy, then spiritually!
As the אברבנאל said, the Yidden weren't on a high enough level
to not eat any animals like Adam,
so he let them eat animals that would promote better ways to act!
Eating meat makes you bad-natured! Take that Stephen!
Stephen: Touché Steven. But I still really want to eat some cow-flesh!
Steven: Go for it!
Stephen: Really, you mean it?
Steven: Well Stephen, God said that if you act properly you won't desire meat,
unless you're rich, which you are!
Stephen: Yay rich people!
Steven: Yay!
Stephen: Breaking Bad rocks!
Steven: Non-Sequitur much?
Stephen: Never-mind that!
What about all those people who say that killing animals is cruel,
and when you eat animals you are giving yourself cruel negative traits?
Steven: Silly Stephen!
That's only when you compare yourself to animals!
God permitted us to eat animals in order to instill
within the people the concept that they are superior to animals.
Stephen: It all make sense now Steven! There's only one thing left.
I can't quite wrap my head around this "Kosher" mishiggas.
Steven: Well slap me silly Stephen, I thought you'd never ask!
As it turns out, the Jews are supposed to become holy through limiting which
animals they eat, in a sort of "middle ground!"
Stephen: What a novel idea Steven!
Steven: A real חידוש!
Stephen: Don't toot your own horn Steven!
Steven: But Stephen, this is the antepenultimate line of the show!
Stephen: I'll give you that, Steven! Well okay folks!
That just about wraps up this segment of—
Both: Even Stevphen!