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A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today is that young
lady's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago that she
was given life, it's only today she'll be given a name.
What will the name of this young lady be? Zoosmell pooplass!
Try again, smartass! Joan Egbert.
Yea! Your name is Joan. As was previously mentioned,
it's your birthday. A number of cakes are scattered about your room. You have a variety
of interests. You have a passion for really terrible movies. You like to program computers,
but you're not very good at it. You have a fondness for paranormal lore, and you are
an aspiring amateur magician. You also like to play games sometimes. What will you do?
Joan, quickly retrieve arms from drawer. Your arms are in your chest, pooplass! Move the
cake from the magic chest. Out of sympathy for Joan's perceived lack of arms, you pick
up the cake for her and move it to the bed. Joan, quickly retrieve arms from magic chest.
You retrieve your fake arms from the chest. You use these for hilarious antics. You captchalogue
them in your sylladex, but you have no idea what that actually means, though. There are
other items in the chest. In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical artifacts,
each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a skilled magician or a cunning prankster.
You are...neither of those things. Among the artifacts, there are two fake arms, currently
captchalogued in your sylladex, one pair of trick handcuffs, one stunt sword, one magician's
hat, one pair of beaglepuss glasses, several smoke pellets, several blood capsules, and
one copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.
And one copy of Harry Anderson's Wise Guy, by Mike Caveney. Some of this stuff may come
in handy at some point. For now, you just decide to take the smoke pellets. You stow
the smoke pellets away in one of the captchalogue cards in your sylladex. You still aren't totally
sure what that means, but you're starting to get the hang of this vernacular at least.
You have two empty captchalogue cards remaining. Joan, equip fake arms. You're not sure of
'equip' is a verb copacetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but
you give it a try anyway. Unfortunately, you cannot access the fake arms. That card is
underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the smoke pellets. You have to use the pellets
first in order to access the arms, but this is probably unadvisable since you'd probably
make the room lousy with smoke. The sylladex's fetch modus is currently dictated by the logic
of a stack data structure. You were never all that great with data structures, and you
find them a puzzling concept and mildly irritating. But with any hope, perhaps you will advance
to a new, more practical fetch modi for your sylladex with a little experience. You decide
to examine your Problem Sleuth poster. Is it even possible to get more hardboiled than
that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases. There's a bare
spot on the wall
next
to it. You really need
to hang another poster there soon. There's a note on
the drawer. Happy birthday, darling. I am so proud of you. This note is rich with the aroma of motherly soaps and perfumes.
Beside the note is a rolled-up poster. Another birthday artifact. You wonder what
is
printed
on
the poster.