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aljazeera
and its BBC affiliates welcome you to the 85th annual Academy Awards at
the dolby theater in los angeles
we are broadcasting the live in Arabic
Urdu and english
thanks to the funding of a hundred and thirty seven million dollars
by the Emir of Qatar
and the entire Altani family in Doha
However
because of time constraints
forced upon us by the infidels our broadcast may be interrupted after three
hours
and furthermore
interruption may occur
if excessive skin is exposed
or if we elaborate on how Osama Bin Laden fought off the American
...infidels who are trying to kill him
(Offscreen: What do you mean,
that he fought them off? The Americans killed him!)
Oh dear, oh dear, we're losing our transmission!
Oh, screw Al Jazeera!
welcome
to the 85th annual Academy Awards
at the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles
it is my pleasure to introduce my cameraman
steve nelson
also known as steven spielberg
and yours truly Barbara Futran
the only present wife of Leon Futran
such a tiger
all the stars are out tonight
and we are going to meet as many as dare step in front of the camera
but first
in our wings
we see are stunning gala hosts who have been referred to as hollywood's
sexiest couple alive
Walter and Delores Nelson
watch them bask in oscar glow
on everyone's A-List
turn your head a little bit to the left, the Enquirer
and the Sierra Sun want to take your photo