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My name is Heidi.
And the gift that Ajay, and Suruchi, and Cathy, and some other people have helped me, specifically the inquiry, retreats: is myself.
I discovered myself. A great joy and love that I have not even paid any attention to.
During the silent retreats, Ajay and Suruchi have eating meditation; and I was feeding myself something that was crunchy and loud.
And I began to worry if other people could hear me. If it was going to be offensive? If I should quit chewing it?
And I had to laugh at myself, at how ridiculous that was.
What difference did it make? I was fine being loud, and chewing this beautiful, wonderful, nourishing food.
And at that moment, something became very clear.
And that something was that I WAS OK. I shouldn't eat quietly.
It's OK to just be who I was and enjoy it. Relax.
And I have discovered that many times with the inquiry.
And often it's a much deeper, more serious, I don't know if that's the right word...
A different type of inquiry that usually it's: I should be doing this. I shouldn't be doing that.
And I came to a place in my life where I believed I was just an awful person.
That I wasn't even worthy of being on this earth anymore.
Because I wasn't what everybody else wanted me to be.
I was a woman; which many men that I knew didn't think was worthy.
I should go away. I should do this. I should be a better mother.
Work harder... And after following a few of those all the way through, and working hard, going deep inside myself,
I realized I am beautiful just how I am. And everyone else is too...
And I am often filled with this great joy for life. And love for myself; my husband;
and my children; the world; people. I've been so angry with, who I thought had harmed me,
and really I had harmed myself. Because I wasn't being true to myself. It doesn't matter what they think, or do, or say.
It's what I think, or do, or say... I'm still working, but it's becoming easier, and I have much more joyful days.
I am filled with a sense of wonder, and gratitude, and expectation of what the day might hold.
I am deeply grateful to the practice, and Ajay, and Suruchi, and Cathy, for bringing that into my life.
Thank you. Bless you.