Hunderby S1E7 - English Transcript

Hark. Hmm? Who hears those angels singing? We all believed my wife's womb to be no more than auseless dungeon. But I should not have doubted my seed. Capable of climbing diligently these past months up Helene's fatted thighs. Hunderby is restored this day for my holy cargo to swell her tub! (ALL CHEERING) Annie, roast us up a spittling pig crammed with every bird known to man. Let us feast on trifles, cheese and spotted ***. Tom? Fetch the hams, champagne and a casket of sherry. We shall make merry till dawn! (ALL CHEERING) EDMUND: Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) Mistress Helene with bab. -Well, blow me. -Aye. The old wizard hunchback did smell it up her snufty. Mmm. Stop fussing, man. Writhing about my knee like some inky octopus. Get out. Please. (SOFTLY) Please. (DOOR CLOSING) (SIGHS) God, forgive my unnatural torment! Ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! (FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh, tap tap. Who is there? Oh, it's Captain Finger! Oh, what have we here? Oh, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. Oh, busy -What's in the pocket, Captain Finger? -Brother joseph! Ah! (CHOKING) You're strangling me. (BREATHES HEAVILY) -(LAUGHS) Very good. -Thank you. -How's Ruth? -Not well. Oh, my congratulations. Though I'm a little saddened you shall not enjoy all the delights Fiji has to offer. It seems I am to return solo. Not quite solo, Brother. Ah, yes, yes, you are to travel with me. Ah, no, but I get seasick. (MOCK RETCHING) Oh, what's in the pocket, Captain Finger? (LAUGHS) Oh! BROTHER jOSEPH: Now, I'm afraid my finger will spew occasionally. jOHN: You love him, do you? Tiny heart, bouncing in your belly. A great day for Hunderby, hmm? Yes, indeed, Brother joseph. All will be as was. Curious. Tis several months since Edmund lay with his wife. A man's seed can thrive in warm, dark places for up to a year, sir. Hmm. Though did not his mother's testament stipulate that a child be born within one year? Which is but a sixth-month hence. A baby's fully cooked at sixth months, sir. And if it cling on for the full endurance? God will find a way to prise the child from its sac, sir. (LAUGHING) HESTHER: Are you enjoying the merry sight, Graham? There is much revelry this night. But we can make our own revelry. I hope you will not scold me, husband. But I have paid a visit to the seamstress. And I have had my tongue scraped. I'm going out. Oh, but husband! As tis our anniversary, I thought perhaps tonight you might care to visit my special place? As you did when last we courted? When first we courted? When your limbs were not two withered pipes linked by a wiry grey bridge? Graham, have you been drinking? No. ALL: (CHANTING) Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! (CHANTING CONTINUES) Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! I never thought an ape on a bongo would thrill thee so, sister. Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! (GASPING) Congratulations on the baby, Elisabeth. Thank you. Fancy another? EDMUND: Dorothy! What is the meaning of this? Thumping a freak. I was just patting john on the back. Congratulating him on being so brave. Well, please take care. You could burst his hump. Come, john, the wine is flowing, the buffet is still brimming. Help yourself to a sausage slipper. And you, my dove, must to your bed, ere you cook us up some boss-eyed gorilla. (CHANTING CONTINUES) (CHANTING ECHOES) Oh! Sorry, Graham. I thought I might rouse your slumbering soldier. I would rather you did not. Hmm? Tis still numb from last time. (SOBBING) (BOTH LAUGHING) You stay away from her till she's birthed that baby or God help me I will (LAUGHING) (YELLING) (WATER SPLASHING) Help! jOHN: Good God, I get urges. (CLEARING THROAT) Graham? Graham? Sorry, sorry, Graham. Graham, my love. Sorry, Graham. -Graham? -(SNORING) My love? (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY) (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) (ALL CHATTING, INDISTINCT) (GASPS) Holy pastor! They must have stumbled and hit their heads. -So all All their clothes fell off. -Yes. BROTHER jOSEPH: Brother Edmund! Dear God! He's lying sticky with another man. Oh, what witchcraft is this? Oh, Satan's been up his bottom. I do see what has passed. With his instrument of evil did this liquorice Lucifer hex dear Brother Edmund to lie with him. (PEOPLE GASPING) Get down foul beast of the apocalypse! All night has this *** necromancer ridden our holy pastor about the church in some beastly Satanic mass! Oh, dear God, no. Save us! There is but one way to end this abomination. We must seize the demon. -He is a man witch. -Seize him. Seize the man witch before he wakes and works his evil voodoo upon us! It's the devil's doing! (ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) HELENE: Graham? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) HELENE: Graham? (GRUNTS, GRAHAM THUDS) (PANTING) HELENE: Graham, please. (GRUNTING) HELENE: Is anybody there? Graham? Graham? Please answer. Ooh! Ah. HELENE: Graham? -(GRUNTING) -Graham! Graham! Graham, please, are you there? Graham? (THUD) (CROWD SHOUTING) This lad's got something to say. Last night, he do say he was fiddled upon by a man. (ALL GASPING) MAN: Tell 'em. Tell 'em what he looked like. The man what fiddled thee. (PEOPLE MURMURING) Please, sir. He was all in black. See? All black! (ALL EECLAIMING) No, no, it was Him again. The sooty sorcerer. He tried to stick his finger up Vile deed upon vile deed! And he pulled his winkle. (ALL EECLAIMING) Oh, Geoff! We are all prey to the filthy harbinger of hocus-pocus. (ALL MURMURING) (ALL BOOING) Oh! Hesther. You, you look well. I had feared you would be gone. I am just trying to live out my final days with some dignity. I come seeking the Doctor. -Graham is -(DR FOGGERTY GROANING) Not here. Tis just I'm with child. Congratulations. DR FOGGERTY: Ah -(DR FOGGERTY GROANING) -Ahhh! Forgive me. (GROANS) The pain arrives without warning. As my physician, Dr Foggerty may wish to know of my new condition. (GROANING) Oh, please Helene. Please, allow me to die in peace. Please! (CROWD BOOING) And I've seen him flying about at night. And yet he says nothing in his own defence. For diabolic pride holds his tongue, for he will not betray his master, Satan. He is mute! (STRAINED BREATHING) Look what I found down the well. Lucky john Whiffin. Oh, Geoff! (DR FOGGERTY GROANS) Sorry, Graham. BROTHER jOSEPH: Brother Edmund, you are a justice of the Peace and indeed, the most wronged victim of Geoff's African sorcery. What would you have us do? Hang him? ALL: (CHANTING) Hang him! Hang him! Hang him! (CHANTING GROWS LOUDER) Shh! Edmund? ALL: (CHANTING) Hang him. Hang him. (CHANTING CONTINUES) Tis God's will. (CHANTING CONTINUES) (INAUDIBLE) (SPITS) BROTHER jOSEPH: Most regrettable, Brother, but I have been recalled urgently to Fiji. On, on. Geoff? (INAUDIBLE) Oh, dear God, Geoff! (THUD) Get out of Hunderby, Geoff. Get away from this godforsaken thicket of pigs and ne'er come back. -DOROTHY: Oh! -(GASPS) I was worried sick about thee, Mistress Helene, wandering about with your precious cargo. Fear not, I shall attend thy every need herein and never let you out of my sight.