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Bak Chor Mee Man: Young man, could I interest you in some Minced Pork Noodles?
Customer: No, thank you, good sir. Today, I'm thinking of dining on some porridge with accompanying dishes
which originated from the Chaoshan region of China in the north-easternmost area of the Guangdong province.
BCMM: Why would you want to flirt with my competitor?
Your extended family and your good self have been consuming my Minced Pork Noodles since 1959.
Why would you switch loyalties now?
Customer: Oh, it is nothing like that, elderly hawker.
These days, there are many hawker stalls to choose from.
And their cuisine looks rather delectable.
BCMM: But they do not my sum of recognized accomplishments!
Their stall looks like a heavily populated urban area characterized by substandard housing and squalor.
And furthermore, you do not know if they meet the highest standards of hygiene!
What if you contract a gastrointestinal disorder that leads to an involuntary evacuation of watery feces?
Customer: I do not believe that will happen. My mate consumed said porridge for two decades and never had diarrhea before.
BCMM: My stall is the purest and whitest stall here!
Customer: I beg to disagree, dear elderly hawker.
Do you recall the rodent?
BCMM: Rodent? What rodent? I captured and secured all the rodents!
Customer: Do you not recall the one with the limp, that left through the window and hid in his brother's flat?
And in the end, it was a stall selling Malay food that caught the rodent for you.
And once, I ordered the dry version of your Minced Pork Noodles, but you gave me the version with broth.
My bowl flooded and damaged my expensive belongings.
BCMM: This was only an act of nature that occurs very rarely! Like the floods that happened to Bukit Timah and Orchard Road!
Customer: Truth be told, your Minced Pork Noodles have become rather expensive, like ministerial salaries.
BCMM: But don't I throw you an occasional piece of pork liver from my pork barrel?
Customer: You only give me pork liver once every five years, good sir!
Then you proceed to hike your charges after that gift!
Besides, I would also like a nibble some of that Straits Chinese fare over there.
BCMM: You merely wish to dine there because they have a new pretty young lass working there, named Nicole.
And you wish to taste her pastries and sweetmeats!
I too, have an attractive young assistant! Kate! Come forth and greet this customer!
Kate: Oh dear, I am unable to think of what to say and will now stomp my feet in girlish embarrassment!
Teochew Muay Man: I say! What do you think you are up to?
Trying to poach my customer?
BCMM: Begone! Go back whence you came! Why have you stepped out of your river's end into my kingdom?
TMM: Take no heed unto the words that are spoken by this Minced Pork Noodle seller.
Come taste my Teochew porridge!
I have employed an new chef from Beijing
who is schooled in the culinary arts from the likes of Harvard, Oxford and Stanford universities!
BCMM: Do not enter his lair! I not only serve Minced Pork Noodles now,
I also make stir-fried ricecake noodles! Full of metaphorical promise, and free wireless broadband!
Customer: I think I shall still visit his Teochew dining house and tarry a little.
Besides, your establishment is overcrowded with foreign talents and I cannot find my place.
BCMM: The charlatan's food is partisan and has no clear manifesto! Like an Asian fruit and vegetable salad!
Customer: He does have some pretty and tasty mushrooms cooked in a dark sauce.
BCMM: Some of these mushrooms are poisonous and can result in poor analogies!
Customer: Worry not, at a later date, I may change my mind and give my mandate to you should his services prove unsatisfactory.
BCMM: At a later date? At a later date?
You are risking your very assets and very soul!
You are risking the future of your children!
Believe you me, you will need to seek forgiveness and absolution for your sins!
Turn from your wicked ways!