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There is no god!
God, god, god
There is no Evan!
Evan, Evan, Evan
- Hmm.
- Mo.
S01E03 - "Game Over".
- Hey, guys, I'm little girl one one
- Six.
Today I'm gonna make a tutorial
on the cup song from "Pitch Prefect.
"
So what you're gonna
need is a flat surface,
a cup, and your hands,
and obviously yourself.
Okay, so let's get started.
Just follow my steps.
I just blew your freakin' mind.
Now try it yourself.
Hi.
What the hell?
Hello?
Why don't you ever
take me out to dinner?
Since when can you talk?
This is the first time
I've officially spoken.
- "Officially"?
- I'm in love with you.
What? You're not a person.
- You're just a
- Just a what, Andrew?
- How do you know my name?
- Call me Veronica.
Why don't you ever tell
me how your day was?
I don't know.
I figured
you wouldn't care.
I and you're not
a real person!
If I wasn't real,
would I be able to do this?
There's more where
that came from.
- Now let's go to dinner.
- Anywhere you want.
- Triptank.
- Hi.
I am so glad you answered the phone.
I just I have to tell
you I love your show.
No, I mean, I love it.
Like
like, every fiber of my being
wants your comedy inside of me.
I want to massage
your jokes with my tongue
and feel the laughter spilling
out over and over again.
Length is just not
that important.
Yah.
What a headache.
Who am I? I-I don't
remember anything!
Waaah!
A table! A note!
"Dear Randy"
Ugh! Randy is a terrible name.
"there is only one thing
I know for sure.
Turn over.
"
I'm an *** called Randy?
This is ***!
you, wooden table!
Wait.
It doesn't have
to be like this.
I can change!
Today I am going
to be a great man!
- Life is wonderful.
- Hey, spare some change, mister?
- Of course, my good man.
- Wow! Thanks, mister!
I ask you every day,
but this is the first time
you ever gave me anything.
To be honest, I-I always thought
you were sort of an ***.
Well, not today.
Today we're going to have
fun and be joyful!
What do you want to do?
- Just name it.
Anything!
- Anything?
Look at the sunset!
It's so beautiful!
You know,
it's been a perfect day.
I really feel like a new man.
I don't need that stupid
note anymore.
I've changed.
I'll remember this.
I feel great, and I'm
a great person.
Randy is a stupid name, though.
Aah!
"You are an ***.
"
See you tomorrow, Randy.
What a stupid name.
Here we go, man.
Old
school, mano a mano.
- Roy's gonna make
- Hello, triptank.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
I just
wanted to say, like,
my friends and I, we, like, laugh
about, you know, like, each other.
We're like, "that's c "
you know, like, "oh, we
we know that," or, like,
"we know what that is.
"
We're like, um
so I guess I was just, um,
I'm not totally sure
I remember why I called,
but maybe
is there a way to
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Guess what.
- Daddy got you a
- Oh, ***! A pony!
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yeaaah!
Oh, yeah, mother er!
Hi-yi-yi-yi-yah! Ya-ha!
Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ah!
Mother er!
Hi, what can I get
I'll give you some time
to look over the menu.
Wow.
You look great with makeup.
I mean, you always look good.
But tonight wow.
Well, I'm a pieces, so
I like to jazz it up sometimes.
Oh, no.
Really? I'm
a sagittarius.
Sagittarius and pieces
don't get along.
Fire and water.
Why do these keep getting
flagged as inappropriate?
This is ***.
I love you.
Wakka, wakka, here comes
Pac-man to bite your ***.
Psh, don't you run
away from me.
I'm unstoppable.
My power
meter's green, ***.
Hello, Triptank.
Hello, who the is this?
Is this the guy that does
the cartoons and ***?
- Maybe.
- I hate it!
- Okay.
- I can't turn it off because the birds,
they go crazy when it's on.
But I can't turn it
off because I love the colors!
Do you understand me?
I feel crazy!
I can't turn it off,
but I can't turn it on!
- Triptank.
- Hello.
My name is Salis.
I'm 12, and I would like to see
more sketches
with the word in 'em.
- Rrrr.
- Let me transfer you to that department.
Hold, please.
I have a headache.
Ugh.
I'm sorry.
I can't
control my headaches.
Oh, great.
So even if I don't
want to have sex,
I'm supposed to what
still do it?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, actually.
That's what people do when
they're in loving relationships.
- Uh!
- Oh, please.
Think of all the times I've had sex
with you when I didn't want to.
- What?
- Yeah!
Please, not right now.
Okay, fair enough.
Let's do this.
- But keep it under five.
- Yes!
Can we do ***?
Three aliens
came from the sky
the galactic
council sent them
and here's the reason why
Their mission is to study
Earth's most average guy
to see if humans
are worth saving
Or if everyone has to die
Wait, what?
I'm pretty sure it was corked
or something, man.
Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you
drink 3/4 of it?
Look, I really need
this $5.
00 back, okay?
It's been a-a rough
couple months, man.
- Jeff?
- Linda! You look amazing.
How have you been?
I think this might be
the busiest week of my life.
I've got a job interview,
a doctor's appointment,
- my friend's bachelorette
- Hey, you wanna grab lunch
or coffee or something?
- Uh!
- Chet!
Let's drink this bubbly
and get snuggly.
- I've gotta go.
- Yeah, I should probably go.
I've got I got
a pretty busy week too.
Hey, Mr.
Sniffles.
We got something special
for our favorite special guy!
I told you guys no
more surprise gifts.
Well, something tells me
you're gonna love this one,
'cause you've already
loved her for five years!
Oh, my god, no! We need
to undo this immediately!
Well, I guess I could
just clear her memories
from the last 24 hours.
- Agh!
- Oops.
- Linda!
- Okay, I see what I did.
Oh, what?
What, is she dead? Is she dead?
- Is she dead?
- No, no, no.
She'll come back
to in a couple of days.
- Maybe a month or two, tops.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
She had so much important
stuff to do this week, guys.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Are you
sure this is gonna work?
- Totally.
- Are you sure she's gonna be okay?
Oh, for suresies.
Come on, Linda.
Come on, Linda.
- Get into it!
- Whoo-hoo!
And I also speak un poquito
de Esp
Wonderful!
And I'll have
the 32-ounce angus steak,
- uh, rare.
- Whoa!
You're not pregnant, are you,
babe? I keep telling you
it isn't an effective
form of birth control
to shoot it all over your face
every time.
But you just won't listen to me.
I'm not pregnant, okay?
Can we please talk
about something else?
Yikes!
What's up with your voice?
You got a sore throat?
Or something?
Yeah, yeah.
I, uh,
I think I do.
I told you, you gotta stop
deep-throating me so much.
But you always have to have
it your way, don't you?
Hey, dude, this
isn't appropriate
dinner conversation, all right?
Look, I think
we should break up.
- I'm still in love with Jeff.
- What? Jeff?
You said his *** was so
small, you got
That's a lie! I never said
Jeff's *** was small!
- Take it easy, babe!
- You liar!
I won't hit a woman
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
Okay! That's it.
Gah!
Gah! Aah!
I'm a bad person!
I can't believe I don't
remember any of this.
Yeah.
I guess he must've hit
you pretty hard.
Hello?
Hi, Linda.
It's Dr.
Lynn.
Uh, we're gonna need you
to come in for a follow-up.
- Is this some sort of sick joke?
- Honey, let me take care of this.
Son, are you on the ***?
I'll understand.
No! Veronica is very nice.
We're in love.
We've been in love for a while.
Jesus Christ, it talks.
Will wonders never cease?
- This isn't normal.
- Come on, now, who are we to judge?
What is normal? He's just
exploring.
I want one.
Mom, calm down.
We
live together.
Okay?
I'm dreaming.
That's it!
I must be dreaming.
It's all a dream! See?
No!
It's okay.
She'll warm
up to you.
- Also, I'm pregnant.
- What?
I said I want one.
Now!
This is ***.
Okay, behold Erebos of Xenos,
divine prophet and eighth
emperor of the 33 dimensions.
Hey, guys.
My
love is with you.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I don't really have
much on the docket today.
The hand soap in my enlightenment
pod is out again,
so, uh, Tony, that's your job.
Will you get to that, honey?
Uh, what else?
Our new website is going live
on Friday, so check that out, everyone.
And I think that's pretty
much it for me,
so unless anybody else
Ooh, lots of hands.
Uh, Travis.
So you said that Imratu
the space dragon,
who I love, was supposed
to come yesterday
and transport us all to the eternal
dimension of peace.
Okay, and you guys, uh
You guys are upset
because Imratu the space dragon
didn't didn't show up?
Okay, well, it's just
that a lot of us castrated
ourselves because you said
that's what Imratu wanted,
and the rest of us drank poison.
O-okay, we're s l-listen.
I think the focus has gone
all on the space dragon thing,
and it's not about the other
cool stuff we do around here.
We never really do
anything except sit around
and talk about Imratu
the space dragon while you
- have sex with our wives.
- We have a pool table.
Some of us are just
a liiittle frustrated because
it kinda seems like you
might've made the whole thing up.
Wow, Tony.
That sucks, man.
That really sucks, guys.
That's a bad attitude.
I really don't want
to have to do this,
but I'm gonna have to ask
Petey to drink poison.
Poor, innocent Petey.
Never question anything.
Everybody, I did that to Petey
because I love Tony.
In fact, I love
all of you so much,
I'm going to share
with you my new vision.
The gaze of my fourth
eye has pierced
the unfathomable multiverse
and seen a vision
of a great and wondrous
space puma!
Like the space puma you
said wanted us to clean
your garage last summer?
Uh yeah, okay.
I know the answer to this question,
but as a test of your faith,
which space animals
have I already used?
Space puma, space
jaguar, space lynx,
space mouse, space squirrel,
space dolphin, space wolphin,
space gorilla,
space chinchilla,
space pig, space human.
I know them all.
Because while I was boning
Neil's wife,
I had a second vision, more
important than the first.
I beheld a glorious
space alligator
hurtling through the cosmos,
coming to transport you
all to the dimension of total joy.
And his name is Mumratu.
Mumratu, the space alligator?
That sounds very, very similar
to Imratu, the space dragon.
They are brothers.
Their
last name is "ratu.
"
- And when will that be, prophet?
- Well, you'll have to ask him
when he gets here.
He's actually coming here.
- Yay, Erebos!
- Oh, yeah.
It's awesome.
Now rise, my children,
and go forth.
Except, uh, for Neil's wife.
Roy's hatin' on this game.
It's rigged, man.
This
thing is bleeding me out.
Picking my *** pocket.
Ben, I need another quarter.
Hurry up, man.
Dig
deep, brother.
Triptank.
How can I help you?
My name is Robert Rill.
I just
moved here from Sydney.
I live in a studio apartment.
I've really enjoyed the show.
I really appreciate
the *** bits.
Can relate to a lot of that.
It's just been hard.
I've just moved here, so
I don't know a lot of people.
Need to put you
on hold for one sec.
Oh, god, he got me.
He got
me in a chokehold, man.
God damn it.
He got the Roy.
Son of a ***.
He ain't gonna let go.
I can't
shake him loose, man.
Oh, my god, I can
see my ***
Bring me a quarter.
My
life blood's draining out.
Idiot.
- Ow.
- You've gotten sardines all over my sandals.
- Clean it up!
- Ooh!
Yes, my lord.
Mm.
- Ugh, you pervert.
- Ow.
- Where's your owner?
- Oh, I'm free.
My owner died
from an intestinal disorder.
He ate some bad giraffe.
Ow.
My name is Hilarius.
At your service.
- Idiot.
Carry my lunch.
- I'm here to see Sextus Scribonis.
He is the dominus hominem
of the Colosseum.
- That means boss of everything.
- I know what it means!
I plan to be the dominus "ominem"
of the Colosseum myself.
Well, I'll let you cut in front
of me for an artichoke.
How 'bout I don't stick
a dagger in your fat face?
- Deal.
- 99, 100.
Let's go to cafeteria.
- Yeah, it's meatball Monday.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who put the sex show
after the hippo massacre?
It'll stink of blood, and there
will be flies everywhere!
No, you said it was funny when
the flies bite the guys' balls
in the *** rehearsal.
You really laugh.
Aah!
How can the upper deck see flies
biting a guy's balls, hmm?
You've got to play
to the cheap seats!
Aah! I sorry, I sorry.
- I am Lucius.
- And my name is Hilarius.
Ah, thank Apollo.
Two
applicants without typhoid.
Well, let's show you around this
crazy madhouse we call backstage.
So you want to cut through the neck,
visualize it to the other side.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Visualize the point on the other
side through the neck.
See? A-smooth.
Oh! Bravo! I love
how he splurted everywhere!
So tell me why you
should be employed
by myself and the great
Roman Colosseum.
I have a reference
from the greatest promoter
of all time Flavius Arianus.
What "Flavius" was his ***?
Oh!
You dare mock Flavius Arianus?
I should have you catapulted
into the cheap seats.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Get some papyrus.
Somebody write that down.
But, but, but, but,
first things first.
Lucius, are you ready
to see your new office?
This seems like a strange
place for an o
Aa h!
- Oh, Apollo, I love artichokes.
- Aah!
- Would you like to see your office?
- Oh, I don't need an office.
Aah
Oopsie.
Dropped an artichoke.
- Near my pinky toe.
- Yes, my lord!
Oh, Dorothy.
Drop a hammer.
Here it comes!
Boom! God damn it, I kill
at this game.
I am bad.
Triptank.
How can I help you?
Hey, man, this is doctor
father brother Travis calling.
That was a hell of a skit.
Man, that chicken's hot.
You gotta show more
of that chicken,
maybe do one where
he's nekkid,
and another guy is stickin'
his *** in him.
- Hold, please.
- I'm kicking ***!
You have reached level 1,000.
Join us on the game grid.
Man Man, you
out there, man?
Gaga, wow wow, ooh
mama, wow wow wow wow.
Triptank.
How can I help you?
sync & correction