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>> I'VE BEEN SORT OF LOOKING
AT YOUR BODY A BIT,
AND I JUST--I FEEL LIKE,
IT'S NOT GREAT, CHELSEA.
>> AND THEN TURN THE OTHER LEG
OUT, OTHER SIDE.
>> WELL, OK, I GET IT.
YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO STICK MY FACE IN IT.
I SEE IT.
>> BEND OVER.
>> BEND OVER, CHELSEA.
>> THERE YOU ARE.
>> LIFT YOUR HEART UP,
LOOK UP--LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD,
DEEP BREATH IN.
[ALL INHALE]
RISE UP WITH A FLAT BACK,
INHALE.
>> SO, I MEAN, IF I START DOING
THIS ON A REGULAR, I MEAN,
WHEN DOES IT KICK IN, THE YOGA?
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT JUST
THE YOGA, IT'S ALSO WHAT--WHAT
YOU'RE EATING AND WHAT YOU'RE
DOING. AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT
QUITE A TOXIC LIFESTYLE.
>> BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THAT'S SO DIFFERENT?
>> I'M HAVING JUICE,
I'M HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD
AT ALL. I MEAN, THAT'S LOW IN
DRUGS AND DIFFERENT TYPES
OF *** EVERY DAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH ***.
I MEAN, COME ON, KATE, YOU KNOW
MY PERSONAL LIFE AND IT'S NOT
THAT MUCH.
>> ANYMORE.
>> WELL, ANYMORE. AT LEAST
I STOPPED. I CURBED IT.
I MEAN, PEOPLE QUIT SMOKING.
>> HANDS DOWN TO YOUR BUTT.
>> I MEAN, TELL ME WHAT TO DO
AND I'LL DO IT.
>> AND STEP BACK INTO CRESCENT,
INHALE.
>> I'M GOING TO GET--I'LL GET
THE JUICES DELIVERED TO YOU
TOMORROW.
>> OK.
>> YOU KNOW, DO THAT FOR A WEEK,
YOU MIGHT [BLEEP] BLOOD
AND LIKE STRANGE OBJECTS
FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD, LIKE BALLET
SHOES FROM BARBIE AND THINGS
LIKE THAT. PEOPLE FIND
ALL SORTS OF STUFF.
>> WELL, IF I DO THE CLEANSE,
CAN I SKIP THE YOGA?
I MEAN, I LOVE IT. BUT CAN I?
>> NO, I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD
TO KIND OF HAVE AN ATTACK ON ALL
FRONTS.
>> BRING YOUR PALMS TOGETHER
AT YOUR HEART. AND NAMASTE.
>> NAMASTE.
>> NAMASTE.
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
BORDERLINE AMAZING PRODUCTIONS,
LLC.]
>> THAT'S ME, CHELSEA HANDLER.
I HOST A SHOW CALLED "CHELSEA
LATELY." THIS IS MY STAFF.
THEY'RE IDIOTS. YOU'LL FINALLY
GET TO SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL
WITH EVERY DAY WORKING WITH
THESE RIDICULOUS MORONS.
THIS IS "AFTER LATELY."
>> MMM.
>> MMM.
>> OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, EVERYBODY
NEEDS TO PUT THE BAGELS DOWN,
PLEASE. LET'S PUT THE BAGELS
DOWN. EVERYBODY, LET'S PUT
THE BAGELS DOWN!
>> ALL RIGHT!
>> JEEZ!
>> YOU GUYS ARE LIKE VULTURES.
YOU HAVE TO START CARING
ABOUT YOUR BODIES.
WE'RE NOT 20 YEARS OLD ANYMORE.
YOU, ESPECIALLY, OK?
>> YEAH.
>> I JUST DID YOGA,
I DON'T MEAN TO NAME DROP,
WITH KATE BECKINSALE.
>> OOH.
>> AND I SAW HER PRETTY CLOSE UP
AND PERSONAL, AND I'M GOING
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING--
THAT'S ONE HOT BODY.
>> THAT KATE'S GOT
A SWEET ***, TOO.
>> AND YOU KNOW HOW SHE GETS
THAT SWEET ***? BECAUSE SHE
JUICES ONCE A MONTH FOR FIVE
DAYS. NOTHING BUT JUICE.
NO COFFEE. JUICE. SO EVERYBODY'S
GETTING A JUICE. YOU CAN FINISH
THAT BAGEL BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
YOU ON THE CLEANSE BECAUSE
I LIKE THE WAY YOUR BODY IS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THIS IS MY FIRST JUICE
OF THE DAY. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
SIX A DAY. NO FOOD, NO COFFEE,
NO CAFFEINE, FIVE DAYS.
AND EVERYTHING'S GOING
TO COME OUT.
>> GUESS WHAT, I DON'T WANT
KATE BECKINSALE'S ***.
I'M PERFECTLY FINE WITH
MY BODY, AND GUESS WHAT,
YOU GUYS AREN'T GOING TO BE
KATE BECKINSALE, EVER. SORRY,
I SAID IT.
>> I RESENT THAT.
>> WELL, I FOR ONE AM ON BOARD
WITH THIS BECAUSE I WOULDN'T
MIND LOSING A LITTLE WEIGHT.
SHE HAS A GREAT BODY, AND HOW
HARD CAN IT BE, RIGHT?
>> I'D LIKE TO HAVE HER WAIST.
>> SO WAIT, ALL OF US ARE GOING
ON IT BUT FORTUNE?
>> EVERYONE WHO HAS THE
POTENTIAL TO HAVE A GREAT BODY
IS GOING ON IT. THIS IS OVER.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
WITH THAT?
>> JUST BE FUNNY.
>> BE FUNNY, FORTUNE.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
>> BEET JUICE,
BROCCOLI JUICE.
OH, LOOK, I LIKE--
>> OH, I HAVE A VOICEMAIL
FROM CHELSEA.
>> YAY FOR YOU. OOH, TANGERINE.
>> I'M GETTING THIS ONE.
>> CELERY.
>> OOH, YUM.
>> A NUB OF GINGER?
WHAT'S A NUB?
>> I THINK IT'S LIKE A--
>> YOU GUYS HAVE TO HEAR THIS.
HOW DO I DO THE SPEAKER THING?
>> NO, DON'T--YOU'RE GOING
TO DELETE IT.
>> WELL, I MEAN, I'M
[INDISTINCT] FROM THE JUICE
CLEANSE. I DON'T HAVE MY MIND
RIGHT.
>> BUT WE HAVEN'T STARTED IT
YET.
>> LISTEN.
>> [BREAKING UP] I'VE HAD IT...
WORSE...I CANNOT EVEN...GET SICK
OF BEING EMBARRASSED...
SO ANNOYING...PEOPLE I WORK
WITH. I SHOULDN'T...
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
>> WHY IS SHE SAYING THAT
I'M ANNOYING AND EMBARRASSING?
>> YOU'RE NOT ANNOYING.
SHE'S PRETTY ANNOYING.
>> AND AWFULLY EMBARRASSING.
>> WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ASK
HER. CALL HER BACK AND ASK HER.
>> NO, ACTUALLY, DON'T.
I THINK SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.
>> GET OUT THE CHART,
LET'S SEE WHERE WE'RE AT.
>> YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO ASK
HER DURING THOSE DAYS.
>> YEAH, SEE, IF IT WAS
YESTERDAY BEFORE 5:00 P.M.,
I WOULD SUGGEST, YOU KNOW,
TAKING A SHOT. BUT TODAY,
YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER TODAY.
>> OH, MY GOD. SO NOW I HAVE
TO WAIT FOUR DAYS?
>> LIKE, SIX TO...20 DAYS
FROM NOW. THERE'S REALLY ONLY
TWO DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH
WHEN SHE'S NOT A COMPLETE
[BLEEP].
>> AROUND THIS TIME OF YEAR,
IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
LASTS LONGER FOR SOME REASON.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.
>> YOU GOT A BUSY MONTH, HUH?
CHELSEA'S PERIOD AND A DENTIST
APPOINTMENT.
>> I GUESS I'M PRETTY
WIDE OPEN.
>> BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
SHE WASN'T EVEN LIKE, HEY,
HEATHER, YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSING
AND ANNOYING. YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN?
>> THAT'S TRUE, NO. AND, YOU
KNOW WHAT, IT WAS CUTTING IN
AND OUT. IT WAS LIKE,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT WAS
A POCKET DIAL AND SHE WAS
TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE
AND SHE ACCIDENTALLY CALLED YOU.
THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
IT COULD BE ANYBODY.
>> YES!
>> YES.
>> OHH.
>> [BREAKING UP] I'VE HAD IT...
WORSE...I CANNOT EVEN...GET SICK
OF BEING EMBARRASSED...
SO ANNOYING...PEOPLE
I WORK WITH.
>> WELL?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU,
'CAUSE THAT'S CLEARY ABOUT ME.
WE WENT TO LUNCH THE OTHER DAY
AND I BOUGHT LUNCH, AND THEN SHE
WAS LIKE, OH, YOU LOOK SO SNEAKY
AND EXTRA JEW-Y. AND SHE WAS
LIKE REALLY ANNOYED WITH ME.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE EXTRA
JEW-Y THING CAME FROM,
'CAUSE I WAS BUYING LUNCH, TOO.
>> I THINK YOU'RE WRONG,
BRADLEY. IT'S DEFINITELY ABOUT
YOU, HEATHER. BECAUSE YOU CAN
HEAR IT. LISTEN TO IT AGAIN,
YOU CAN HEAR THAT HATRED IN HER
VOICE THAT SHE HAS ONLY FOR YOU.
IT'S LIKE A REAL TWANG THAT SHE
HAS.
>> YEAH, LIKE IN THE BACK
OF HER THROAT KIND OF--
>> EXACTLY, YEAH.
>> I AGREE. THAT'S WHY
I THINK IT IS ME.
>> I DON'T KNOW
WHY SHE HATES YOU.
>> I DON'T, EITHER. THIS WHOLE
THINGS WITH THESE FRICKIN'
PHONES IS FREAKING ME OUT.
YOU KNOW, YOU THINK IT'S
A GREAT INVENTION AND IT'S
THE WORK OF THE DEVIL,
SERIOUSLY. THE OTHER DAY I TRIED
TO SEND PETER A LITTLE SEXY
PHOTO. OK, LIKE A LITTLE
"PLAYBOY" PHOTO, NOTHING TOO
CREEPY. CUTE. OK, BECAUSE WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE LIKE A FRIDAY
NIGHT AND THEN A BONE AFTER.
>> OOH.
>> AND THEN SURE ENOUGH,
WHO GETS IT BUT MY SON DRAKE,
WHO'S 10. AND HE SEXTS ME BACK.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> JESUS! HE SEXTED YOU BACK?
>> WELL, HE JUST WAS LIKE,
"NICE ***, MOM."
>> GOD, OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> THERE ARE NO SNACKS ANYWHERE!
LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING!
>> WELCOME TO THE JUICE CLEANSE.
CHELSEA HAD ALL THE FOOD REMOVED
BECAUSE WE'RE ON THE JUICE
CLEANSE AND SHE DIDN'T WANT US
TO BE TEMPTED.
>> NO. NO, I DIDN'T SIGN UP
FOR THIS. I'M NOT ON A JUICE
CLEANSE, AND I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE FAT. THAT'S MY THING.
THAT'S MY JAM.
>> I THINK YOU COULD PROBABLY
GET FOOD SOMEWHERE ELSE.
>> NO! I'M ON A GREAT SHOW,
FINALLY. FINALLY MY CAREER'S
AT THE PLACE I WANT IT TO BE.
AND I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF CRAFT
SERVICES FOR MILES. JUST LIKE
PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES, CHIPS,
EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY
WANT, RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE.
AND NOTHING! NOTHING! GOD,
IT'S LIKE I'M ON A WEB SERIES.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT
SOMETHING. I'M JUST--OH, GOD,
THIS IS LIKE--
>> NO, FORTUNE!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
>> AAHH! UGHH!
I DON'T LIKE TO ADVERTISE THIS,
ESPECIALLY WITH EVERYBODY
FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE JUICE
CLEANSE, BUT I GOT SOME
EMERGENCY FOOD ITEMS IN MY CAR.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
UGHH!
>> I THINK THE RED ONE'S GONE
BAD. RED ONE'S NOT GOOD.
>> YOU KNOW, EATING'S NOT ABOUT
THE FOOD, IT'S ABOUT THE RITUAL.
AND I AM ENJOYING A SANGRIA
ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON
WITH MY FRIENDS. CHEERS.
>> CHEERS.
>> WELL, I'M DOING THE SAME
THING. MINE IS SOUP,
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS, YOU GUYS
ARE PRETTY FAMILIAR WITH MY LOVE
OF SOUP, SO, MMM. MMM.
OH, IT'S HOT.
>> IT'S NOT SOUP.
>> IT'S SMART, BECAUSE HE'S
TRICKING HIS BODY INTO THINKING
HE'S HAVING A MEAL.
>> YES.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING
TO WIND UP KILLING ONE OF YOU.
AND EATING YOUR BODY LIKE
THAT SOCCER TEAM IN THE ANDES
MOUNTAINS DID, IF SOMEBODY
DOESN'T GET SOME FOOD,
REAL FOOD IN HERE IN A MINUTE.
>> WHO WOULD YOU EAT FIRST?
>> WELL, IN THAT MOVIE OR BOOK,
THEY ATE THEIR *** FIRST.
>> WELL, I'M THE FIRST TO GO,
I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK GUY FANS
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT.
>> SO YOU'RE SAYING WE EAT
YOUR *** FIRST.
>> BUT DEFINITELY NOT HEATHER.
'CAUSE HEATHER DOESN'T HAVE
AN ***.
>> THAT'S GOOD,
I'D LIKE TO LIVE--
>> AND YOU GO TO A CHEAP CHICKEN
PLACE AND YOU GET THE CHICKEN
BUT THERE'S NOT REALLY A LOT
OF MEAT ON THE BONE BECAUSE
IT'S A CHEAP CHICKEN.
>> NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
NOW THIS IS GOING TO BE WEIRD.
WOULD IT MAKE ME GAY IF I
STARTED THINKING EATING JIFFY'S
*** WOULD BE THE BEST *** TO
EAT? IS THAT GAY? BUT HE'S DEAD
AND I JUST NEED TO EAT.
>> NO. IT'S NOT HIS [BLEEP].
>> NO, TO SURVIVE, I MEAN,
UNLESS YOU--IF YOU PUT YOUR
*** IN IT BEFORE YOU ATE IT,
THAT'S A LITTLE--
>> NO. WHAT ABOUT IF I ATE HIS
***, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO BONE--
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, THAT
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD
LIKE TO EAT.
>> THAT SEEMS FATTY AND CHEWY.
>> NO, WHAT IF I DIED AND I WAS
DEAD FOR MONTHS AND YOU ATE ALL
MY BODY PARTS. THE ONLY THING
THAT'S LEFT WAS MY ***.
HOW DO YOU EAT IT? TELL ME HOW
YOU EAT IT AND TALK SLOWLY.
>> FIRST OF ALL...
>> I PUT IT ON A STICK
AND I GO LIKE THAT.
>> HE WAS ASKING ME.
>> NOBODY'S ASKING YOU!
>> HEY, GUYS.
>> HEY, FORTUNE.
>> HI.
>> HEY, GIRL.
>> I JUST WENT OUT TO MY CAR
AND SOMEONE HIT IT. AND THEY
DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE OR ANYTHING,
IT'S MESSED UP.
>> WELL, I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO ACCEPT THAT THE CAR WAS
HIT AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO PAY
FOR IT OUT OF YOUR OWN POCKET?
>> WELL, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO? I DON'T KNOW WHO DID IT.
>> OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE
GOING TO DO. THAT CRIMINAL IS ON
TAPE SOMEWHERE. WE'RE GOING
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.
WE ARE GOING TO GO TO SECURITY.
>> SORRY, CAN'T HELP YOU.
>> BUT YOU SAID YOU HAD
THE INCIDENT ON TAPE.
>> BECAUSE THE INCIDENT WAS
PERPETRATED BY A CELEBRITY,
I'M PROHIBITED FROM SHOWING YOU
THE FOOTAGE. BURT REYNOLDS RULE.
>> OK, SO ARE YOU SAYING THAT
LIKE A CELEBRITY DID THIS?
>> CAN'T SAY. THAT ALSO FALLS
UNDER THE BURT REYNOLDS RULE.
>> SO IF IT WAS A NON-CELEBRITY,
YOU'D GIVE US THE FOOTAGE.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> OK, SO IT WAS OBVIOUSLY
A CELEBRITY.
>> I CAN'T SAY.
>> YOU KNOW, THAT'S A PRETTY
STUPID RULE. WE CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH THIS.
>> I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.
>> OH, DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BEING REALLY
DIFFICULT. AND I HOPE YOU KNOW
THAT OUR TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY.
>> NO, THEY DON'T.
>> OK, WELL, YOU ARE GOING
TO HAVE TO ANSWER TO A HIGHER
POWER. IT DOESN'T STOP HERE,
YOU KNOW.
>> I'M NOT MUCH
OF A RELIGIOUS MAN.
>> I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT GOD.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE
THE CHELSEA HANDLER RULE, ALSO.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> I CAN'T SAY. THAT ALSO FALLS
UNDER THE BURT REYNOLDS RULE.
>> ARE YOU [BLEEP] WITH US NOW?
>> JUST DOING MY JOB, SIR.
>> OH, UH--
>> OH!
>> WE CAN ACTUALLY COME BACK
IF THIS IS A BAD TIME.
>> NO, IT'S COOL, I JUST HAVE
TO FINISH THIS TEXT. WHAT'S UP?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY
HIT MY CAR, SO--
>> I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
>> I KNOW, IT SUCKS. WE'RE
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID IT.
THEY DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE
OR ANYTHING.
>> WELL, THEY HAVE SECURITY
CAMERAS EVERYWHERE. DID YOU
CALL SECURITY?
>> WE WENT TO THEM.
THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY RECEPTIVE.
>> YOU WANT ME TO CALL THEM?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY WEREN'T
RECEPTIVE. I DON'T--WHAT--
>> YEAH, IF YOU COULD CALL THEM,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> YEAH.
>> I'VE GOT 'EM ON SPEED DIAL,
I KNOW THAT GUY'S NUMBER.
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE HIM
ON SPEED DIAL?
>> THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.
>> WELL, BUT YOU'LL TELL HIM
THAT WE WERE NOT VERY HAPPY
WITH HIS BEHAVIOR?
>> SHH. HEY, TEJAN, IT'S
CHELSEA. SO MY WRITER IS SITTING
IN HERE, FORTUNE FEIMSTER,
SHE'S THE BIG LESBIAN,
AND SHE GOT HER CAR, IT WAS
A HIT AND RUN OR SOMETHING.
DO YOU KNOW WHO HIT IT?
OHH.
ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
KEVIN NEALON?!
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT?
>> THAT'S WEIRD. HE'S LIKE
THE NICEST GUY IN HOLLYWOOD.
KEVIN NEALON.
>> YEAH.
>> HE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
HE WOULDN'T--
>> THAT'S RANDOM.
>> OK, I NEED YOU TO KEEP
FORWARD. CAN YOU SCHOOCH UP?
SCOOT UP A LITTLE BIT.
THANK YOU.
>> OK, MAY I HAVE A JUICE?
>> HI.
>> HI, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
>> THIS IS THE ONE YOU WANTED,
RIGHT?
>> YES!
>> EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M MARION,
I'M HER JUICE ASSISTANT.
>> OH, HER JUICE ASSISTANT.
WHO--WHAT?! YOU HAVE
A JUICE ASSISTANT?
>> YEAH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT?
>> HAVE YOU LOST...YOUR MARBLES?
I MEAN, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE,
CHELSEA?
>> BECAUSE I HAVE A JUICIST?
SHE'S GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT
FOR THIS.
>> YEAH, IT'S A REALLY GOOD
OPPORTUNITY FOR SCHOOL.
>> HELLO!
>> YEAH, BUT LOOK AT HER.
I MEAN, I DRESS LIKE THIS
AND YOU MAKE FUN OF ME ALL
THE TIME. SHE COMES IN HERE ON
ROLLER SKATES LOOKING LIKE
A GAY GUY JUST THREW UP
ALL OVER HER.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
BRAD. THIS IS A YOUNG WOMAN
WHO IS BLOSSOMING INTO
WOMANHOOD.
>> MM-HMM.
>> OK, AND SHE IS MAKING
PERSONAL CHOICES. WHO AM I
TO JUDGE HER? WHO AM I? THESE
ARE THE CHOICES THAT SHE IS
MAKING.
>> YEAH, AND BRAD, YOU'VE
CLEARLY MADE YOUR CHOICES.
>> SHE'S TALKING ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE BOY HOODIE.
>> YEAH, I GET IT, THANK YOU--
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
>> OK. SO MAKE SURE YOU DRINK
IT, AND I'M GOING TO HEAD OUT
SO I CAN BE HOME WHEN YOU GET
THERE.
>> OK.
>> HOW DO I GET ONE OF THOSE?
>> OK, GUYS, SO HERE'S WHAT
I DID. I TOOK THE VOICEMAIL,
I IMPORTED IT INTO THE SYSTEM,
I HAD TO EXPORT IT OUT TO--HEY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE JUICE IN HERE,
OK? I GOT REALLY EXPENSIVE
EQUIPMENT.
>> YEAH, WELL, I HAVE A JUICING
SCHEDULE, CHAO, AND IF I DON'T
HAVE NUMBER FOUR RIGHT NOW,
MY WHOLE DAY IS THROWN OFF.
>> WAIT, THERE'S LIKE
A DRINK SCHEDULE?
>> YES.
>> YEAH.
>> BUT I HAD TWO NUMBER TWOS
LIKE BACK TO BACK.
IS THAT DANGEROUS?
>> NO, DOESN'T MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE. I COULDN'T FIND
MY NUMBER SEVEN, SO I MIXED
TOGETHER A THREE AND A FOUR.
>> NOBODY CARES.
JUST PLAY THE TAPE.
TWIRL AROUND, LET'S GO.
>> EVEN BRAD WOULDN'T DO THAT.
>> HA! I'M OUT.
SEE YA LATER, [BLEEP].
>> CHAO, PLAY THE REST OF IT,
WHAT ELSE?
>> THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL I GOT.
>> OH, MY GOD! HOW ARE WE EVER
GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE SAID?
WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF EVEN
HAVING YOU?!
WHO NEEDS AN EDITOR?!
>> CHAO, EVEN WITH ALL THIS
STATIC-Y STUFF, YOU'VE BEEN
LISTENING TO THIS OVER AND OVER
AND OVER. I MEAN, LIKE,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I THINK, IF YOU GUYS WERE
BETTER PEOPLE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE TALKING
BEHIND YOUR BACK.
>> YOU THINK I HIT YOUR CAR.
>> I'M REALLY SORRY, MR. NEALON,
IT'S MORE LIKE THE SECURITY
CAMERA DOES, 'CAUSE THEY HAVE
THIS VIDEO OF YOUR CAR HITTING
MINE. IT'S ALL VERY TECHNICAL.
BUT ACTUALLY, I HAVE A PICTURE
OF THE DAMAGE RIGHT HERE.
I WILL SHOW YOU.
OH, CRAP, THAT'S--THAT'S
THE WRONG ONE. I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD SOMEONE
IN THE SCISSOR LOCK.
ARE YOU CAGE FIGHTING?
>> NO, I ACTUALLY WAS
SCISSORING SOMEONE.
>> OH. I HAD NO IDEA I HIT YOUR
CAR, I SWEAR. I--I THOUGHT THAT
WAS A SPEED BUMP. I WAS TEXTING
AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE.
>> NO, IT'S TOTALLY OK, I'M
JUST--I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO LIE,
I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF EXCITED
IT'S YOU. YOU'RE LIKE MY NUMBER
ONE FAVORITE CAST MEMBER
FROM "SNL."
>> GIVE ME YOUR KEYS,
I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR
CAR. I'M GOING TO PAY
FOR THE WHOLE THING.
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.
>> WOW, OK.
>> IN FACT, I'LL HAVE IT BACK
TO YOU BY THE END OF TODAY,
ALL FIXED.
>> WOW, THAT'S AWESOME.
ARE YOU STARING AT MY SKIN?
>> I'M SO SORRY, YES, I WAS.
IT'S JUST THAT...
YOU HAVE THE FACE
OF A LARGE-FACED BABY.
IT LOOKS SO SOFT.
>> IT IS. YOU CAN TOUCH IT IF
YOU WANT, I GET THAT A LOT.
>> YEAH?
>> YEAH.
>> OK.
>> JIFFY, HAND ME THE NOTES
FOR THE SKETCH.
DO YOU HAVE THEM?
>> EWW, WHAT,
DID YOU WRITE IT IN BLOOD?
>> BEET JUICE. I WROTE IT
WITH MY FINGER. I DIDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH ENERGY TO GO TO THE
CLOSET AND GET A PENCIL.
>> EVERYONE HERE IS GETTING ON
MY NERVES, ESPECIALLY YOU,
FORTUNE.
>> SARAH, FORTUNE'S NOT EVEN
AT THE TABLE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, SARAH?
YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YEAH, YOU HEARD ME.
SO STUPID. YOU ARE SO STUPID.
>> I'M SO STUPID?
>> YEAH, YOU'RE STUPID.
>> I'M SO STUPID. WHY?
>> BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR DUMB IDEA
TO HAVE KATE BECKINSALE COME ON
THE SHOW.
>> HEY, YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER
LIKE THAT. SHE'S MY OFFICE MATE.
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CALL
HER STUPID. AND THAT WAS STUPID
TO GET US INTO THIS DEBACLE.
>> I DIDN'T INVITE ANYONE
OR LIKE SUGGEST ANYONE ON
THE SHOW THINKING, OH, THEY'LL
PUT US ON SOME CRAZY DIET.
>> YOU CAN'T SUGGEST ANYTHING
AROUND CHELSEA.
>> REALLY?
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I'M SAYING! THIS WHOLE VOICEMAIL
THING IS TEARING US APART
AS A FAMILY. DON'T YOU GUYS
SEE IT?
>> OH, FAMILY! THERE IT IS!
HEATHER BROUGHT UP HER FAMILY
AGAIN. PETER THIS, PETER THAT,
THE KIDS, WE WENT ON VACATION,
WE WENT SKIING. OH, SOMETIMES
I WISH I WAS A GIRL SO I COULD
FIGHT YOU. I'D FIGHT YOU,
I'D PUNCH YOU RIGHT THROUGH
YOUR FACE. MY FIST WOULD GO
THROUGH YOUR FACE,
IF I WAS A GIRL.
>> WHAT JUICE ARE YOU ON?
>> I'M ON THE BEATDOWN JUICE.
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? I'LL
KNOCK THAT [BLEEP] FANCY HAIRCUT
RIGHT OFF YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT,
YOU GUYS. I'M GOING TO CONFRONT
CHELSEA ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING,
OK? AND I DON'T CARE IF IT'S HER
PERIOD OR NOT, I'M GOING
TO FRICKIN' TELL HER WHAT
I THINK. I DON'T CARE.
>> HI!
>> [SHRIEKS]
HOW ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?!
>> I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU
GO THROUGH WITH CONFRONTING ME,
HEATHER. HIT ME. DO IT, GIRL.
>> ALL RIGHT, I RECEIVED
A VOICEMAIL MESSAGE, FROM YOU.
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAD POCKET DIALED
ME, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T DIRECTLY
TALKING TO ME. AND I'M PRETTY
SURE IT WAS ABOUT ME, BECAUSE IT
HAD THAT SAME ANNOYED TONE
THAT YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT ME.
>> I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT. YEAH, I WAS
TALKING ABOUT THE PARTY THAT
E! THREW IN NEW YORK CITY WHERE
YOU WERE DANCING LIKE A WILD
WOMAN, AND YOU EMBARRASSED
THE SHOW AND YOU EMBARRASSED
MY NAME.
>> OH, MY GOD! NO, I DIDN'T!
I PURPOSELY CHOSE NOT TO DANCE
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULD BE
WATCHING AND JUDGING. I DID NOT
DANCE AT THAT PARTY, CHELSEA!
>> WELL, IT WAS EITHER YOU
OR WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
>> IT WAS WHITNEY CUMMINGS,
I REMEMBER.
>> OH.
>> IT WAS.
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, HEATHER,
THAT'S EAVESDROPPING.
OR WIRETAPPING.
IF I HAD POCKET DIALED YOU
BY ACCIDENT AND LEFT YOU
A MESSAGE ON YOUR PHONE TALKING
ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE, YOU SHOULD
KNOW THAT I WASN'T CALLING YOU
ON PURPOSE. I WOULD NEVER CALL
YOU ON PURPOSE. SICK IS WHAT YOU
ARE. SICK AND TWISTED, THE WAY
YOU TRY AND MANEUVER YOURSELF
INTO MY LIFE.
WHO ELSE WANTS A PIECE OF ME?
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GOING
TO TALK ABOUT WHY SADDAM HUSSEIN
WAS SUCH A GREAT LOVER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
TWO? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
COME ON.
>> IT'S THE JUICE CLEANSE.
I'M SO TIRED.
>> HONESTLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU ALREADY THIN PEOPLE PUT
YOURSELF THROUGH THESE CRAZY
DIETS.
>> BECAUSE SOME OF US LIKE
TO HAVE NECKS, JOHN.
LOOK HOW CHUY'S THRIVING
OVER THERE.
>> ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
MOVE THAT BUS!
>> WHAT?!
>> I'M ONLY KIDDING.
I DIDN'T RENT A BUS. I WAS GOING
TO, BUT THEN I DIDN'T. TA-DA!
>> IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER HIT MY
CAR. IT LOOKS AMAZING.
THANK YOU, MR. NEALON.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU READY FOR A REALLY BIG
SURPRISE, FORTUNE? I FELT SO BAD
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
I PERSONALLY WORKED ON YOUR CAR.
COME HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
>> OH!
>> COME HERE.
>> [GIGGLES]
OH. WHEELS OF FORTUNE.
LIKE, THAT'S MY NAME.
>> HEY, IT'S THE LEAST
I COULD DO.
>> OH, YEAH--
>> NO, THE ART OF AIRBRUSHING
IS SUCH A DEEP PASSION TO ME,
MUCH MORE SO THAN COMEDIC
ACTING. WITH AIRBRUSHING,
IT'S LIKE I FEEL TOTALLY ALIVE.
>> SO LIKE, THIS IS PERMANENTLY
ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR?
LIKE, IT'S ON THE CAR THAT
I DRIVE EVERY DAY.
>> MY PLEASURE.
>> YEAH. OK. THANK--THANK--
THANK YOU?
I KNOW KEVIN MEANT WELL,
BUT AIRBRUSHING KIND OF BRINGS
UP SOME DISTURBING MEMORIES FOR
ME. BACK BEFORE I WAS A FULL
LESBIAN, I HOOKED UP WITH A GUY
IN AN AIRBRUSH VAN. NOT GOOD.
THAT WAS THE NIGHT I REALIZED
I NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANOTHER
*** AS LONG AS I LIVE.
UNLESS IT'S PLASTIC.
AND DOUBLE-SIDED.
>> OH, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS,
I AM NEVER DRINKING JUICE AGAIN
AFTER THIS.
>> YOU GUYS NEED TO GET SOME
WILLPOWER, OK? IT'S CALLED MIND
OVER MATTER. IT'S CALLED
TENACITY. THERE ARE MANY
DIFFERENT WORDS TO DESCRIBE
WHAT YOU NEED TO BE FEELING
WHEN YOU--
>> HELLO. HI.
>> HI.
>> WHAT WAS I SAYING?
>> TENAC--MIND OVER MATTER.
>> MIND OVER MATTER, TENACITY,
MY--MENTAL ACUITY IS SOMETHING
THAT YOU SHOULD ALSO GOOGLE.
>> KETCHUP.
MY HAMBURGER.
CURLY FRIES.
>> UM...
>> CHUY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
>> OH, THIS CALLED EATING.
>> IT'S A JUICE CLEANSE, CHUY.
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
EVERY ONE IS JUICING.
NO ONE--DO YOU SEE ANY OTHER
HAMBURGERS AROUND THIS TABLE?
>> HAVE YOU BEEN EATING
THE WHOLE TIME?
>> I'VE BEEN JUICING.
YEAH, I DRINK MY JUICE
AFTER I EAT MY FOOD. HELLO!
I LOVE THE JUICE.
>> WHAT IS THAT?
>> WHAT?
>> HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING? STOP HER, JIFFY,
STOP HER!
>> NO! I'M ON CHUY'S CLEANSE
NOW. GET OFF OF ME!
I'M ON CHUY'S CLEANSE NOW.
NOW YOU SIT DOWN.
YOU GET OFF OF ME.
GET OFF OF ME.
SIT DOWN!
I'M ON A DIFFERENT CLEANSE NOW.
>> JESUS.