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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie Louie, louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Nice to be here.
I feel pretty good today.
You know why I feel good?
'cause I-- finally, I have
the body that I want,
And that's a thing
people really covet.
It's a hard thing to achieve,
and I did.
And I'm gonna tell you how
To have exactly
the body that you want.
You just have to want...
A *** body.
That's all it is.
You have to want
your own ***,
Ugly... Disgusting body.
I don't, though, like being
those things all the time.
I get really sweaty
all the time.
I-- and that's
also bad for sex,
'cause I just sweat--
I just rain sweat
all over people.
Like, I'm like, "oh !"
And that's what I'm like
when I have sex.
I go, "uhhh!
"uhhh!
Uhhh !"
And I always see her
and she's like, just--
Just sweat is pouring off my
head and she's like,
"dude, you're limiting
my enjoyment by a lot."
N ) no.
Well, then you can
call for an appointment.
The results from that test
Don't come in until tomorrow.
No, I have no way
of knowing the results
Before they get here.
Yes?
I'm here to see Ben,
Dr. Mitchell.
Okay, what time
is your appointment
And what is your name?
My name's Louie c.K. And he
said to be here around 2:00.
"he said"?
The doctor doesn't
make appointments.
Oh, well, see, I know him.
We-- I used to-- we went to
high school together
And I talked to
him on the phone.
He said that I could come by.
He didn't put
your name in the book
And he didn't tell me, so you
don't have an appointment.
Can you check with him?
He's with a patient.
Okay, well,
I'll just wait and--
Sir, you don't have
an appointment.
Yeah, no, I get that,
But can you just let me wait
until he comes out and--
You can't just sit in here
If you don't
have an appointment.
Do people, like, come here
and steal medical treatment?
Do they steal it from you?
Is that what happens?
'cause why can't you
just let me wait--
so just keep up that regime
And you will start feeling
better very soon.
Thanks, doctor.
No problem.
Hey, Ben, how you doing?
You told me to come by,
remember?
Do I know you?
Uh...
Come through.
It's fine, Priscilla.
Louie c.K.
Hey, listen, I didn't mean to
Jump ahead of that woman
if she was waiting.
Don't worry, she's...
She's dying.
Yeah, no hope--
really sad.
She has cancer
From her *** up to
her eyeballs.
So I'm just squeezing her for
a little extra insurance money
Man, that's not funny.
Oh, God, how are you?
I'm, uh--
I feel like ***.
Feel like ***?
Are you sure you feel
like *** and not diarrhea?
'cause you look like diarrhea.
It looks like
someone poured diarrhea
Into a face-shaped mold.
Could you stop?
'cause I really am--
I'm worried.
I don't know what's up with me.
Look up.
Okay.
I know what's wrong with you.
What?
Aids.
I can't believe
you're a doctor.
Strip down to your underpants.
Let's take a look at you.
Let's take a look at you.
Jesus.
That is-- you don't
need a doctor,
You need a time machine.
Did no one tell you that ***
Are meant to be on women,
not men?
What is that?
Come on, man.
This is a nightmare.
Get up here.
Oh, dear.
Okay.
Take a deep breath and hold it.
So how do you feel, really?
Apart from the tumor I can
hear in your lungs?
You're an ***.
Strip all the way down.
Oh, God, Louie.
How can-- that is...
Really bad.
That's the worst ***
I've ever seen in my life.
That is disgusting.
It's--
Oh, my God.
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me,
Seeing that,
And my dad hung himself
in front of me
Whilst ***.
But if I could take
one of those things back,
It would be seeing
that awful ***.
It looks like you've been
getting a dog to suck it off,
But it chewed it like it
thought it was
A horrible old
blood-and-***-filled shoe.
Nurse, can you come
here a minute?
I'm serious.
That is the worst ***
Probably in the world.
Nurse?
Honestly, is that not
the ugliest ***
You've ever seen in your life?
Yes, doctor, it's very ugly.
Very ugly, very ugly.
She's a nurse, so--
Stop it.
Come on, man.
What worries me is, if that's
your *** and testicles,
What's your *** gonna be like?
But we're not gonna find that out.
We are gonna find out
because I need to give you
A full *** examination.
No, no, no way.
Yes way.
You're over 40, Louie, okay?
No more wanking around.
This could save your life.
Okay, all right.
Come on.
Look, it's not very pleasant,
But it's necessary.
Okay, all right.
Okay, and I'll be as gentle as I can.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Is that okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
How about that?
Yeah, that's all right.
What about this?
Jesus Christ!
What?
This is serious.
What's wrong with you?
This is serious.
There's no way it's supposed
to go in and out like that.
Well, it can do.
I'm a doctor.
Yeah!
And it tells me that
everything is fine up there.
Jesus.
Listen, I'm still
going with aids,
But let's do some
blood work and find out.
My days start poorly,
'cause of the shape I'm in.
Because now, also, I'm 42,
so I'm getting-- I'm get--
I'm really on the decline.
There's never gonna
be another year of my life
That was better than
the year before.
That's never
gonna happen again!
I've seen my best years.
And when I wake up
in the morning,
I just-- I'm-- I just
sit there and I'm like,
"oh..."
It's an awful way to
start your day.
Every day starts
with me, like, my eyes open
And I reload the program
of misery.
I just open eyes,
Remember who I am,
What I'm like...
And I go, "ugh.
"I guess.
"I guess do it.
"I don't know.
I guess-- oh, my God."
Somebody called me
an Indian giver recently.
I don't know if you've heard
that expression
Since you were kids,
But I remember we used to
call each other--
"Indian giver" is one
of the most offensive things
You could ever-- because what
it's meant to be
Is that someone
gave you something
And then they changed
their minds.
That makes you an Indian giver.
And we equate
this to the indians
Because our feeling is that
they gave us America,
And then they--
Well, they didn't
take it back, certainly,
But they chang
Which is that we got here and
the indians were like, "hi."
And we were like, "hey, can we
have everything ?"
And they were like, "well, we
don't know what 'have' means,
But enjoy all the things that
you need, like we do."
So we start
killing all of them.
And they were like, "oh, dude,
"could you not do that part
where you kill all of us?
'cause that's kind of
a drag for us."
And we're like,
"you guys are Indian givers!
"oh, my God!
"we're gonna name
that after you.
You guys are dicks !"
Anyway, thanks a lot,
folks, good night.
We're gonna keep
this show going,
We're gonna bring
the next comic up.
Very funny guy, you guys
might know him.
Nick DiPaolo.
Whoa!
How about a hand for the emcee,
going through chemo, huh?
All right.
Poor prick--
skinny, no hair.
How are you?
Welcome to the basement of
al-qaeda's hideout and...
You think I'm kidding?
Those aren't Irish guys
making your falafel
In the kitchen upstairs.
How's it going?
It's a *** night tonight.
I have two tables,
all black people,
So I know
I'm not making no tips.
Are you being
serious right now?
Yeah, look over there.
I have two tables,
they're all black.
I'm working for free tonight.
No, I mean, are you being
seriously that racist?
What?
You don't know that
they're not gonna tip you.
Yes, I do.
Just 'cause they're black?
I've been waiting tables
for five years,
I never got a tip
from a black person, not once.
First of all,
I don't believe you.
Second of all, that's
still racist.
I am not racist.
Screw you.
What are you talking about?
She says black people
don't tip.
Are you nuts?
*** don't tip.
Everyone knows that.
Have you ever
waited tables before?
No.
Then shut up, ***.
I'm getting old.
This is how I know
I'm getting old.
I actually pulled
a muscle in my neck
Giving my wife the finger
behind her back.
That's a true story.
We're having a fight, she walked
out of the kitchen,
I went-- Ahh!
Like that.
Weird things are happening
to my body as I get older.
Ever hold a *** so long
it turns into a ***?
That didn't happen
when I was in high school.
.
Ooh, listen to that
silence, huh?
Holy ***, I hit you right in
The "white guilt" muscle,
didn't I?
I mean, can we
quit calling Obama
The first black president?
My nipples are darker
than Barack Obama.
They're so
in love with this guy.
They want to give him his own
national holiday, Barack?
He hasn't even been shot yet.
Ooh...
This is perfect,
they hate my guts.
All right.
People are such
hypocrites down there.
I'm sure you did better
at the Hitler youth rally.
Ha-ha, liberal ***.
Yeah, okay, himmler.
Why don't you just go eat out
Obama's ***? I would.
I mean, I'm not gay, but just
to be part of history.
Country's going to ***.
You know, you Republicans
are such babies.
You've had your way
for eight years,
Why can't you just
give somebody else a try?
Because it's a *** sham,
that's why.
He's in there
because of white guilt
And affirmative action.
And anybody who has the balls
to say that out loud
Is called a nazi by
deluded *** like you.
Poor little nazis don't like
being called nazis.
I'm sorry.
Can you guys stop
having this conversation?
You know, when bush
was in office,
Every time you put on the news,
All you saw was black people,
gays, liberals
Just ***
and moaning at how bad he was.
Nobody-- but now Obama's in
there, no one can say ***.
You know, if it's like
you say it is
And it's your
turn, then how--
Why don't we get a say in it,
like you did?
I mean, a white guy
doesn't have a voice
In this country anymore.
Are we supposed to feel
sorry for white guys?
What, is 10,000 years
of unchecked prosperity,
That's not enough for you?
No, it's not, give me 20.
Well, how about 30?
Yeah.
And then you can celebrate
with a big parade of soldiers
And have white columns
with an eagle,
Maybe some red
banners with a white circle
And have something like this going in
the middle of it? The nazi thing again?
Is that all you got? Yeah, well,
that's what-- it's the same thing--
What is it, what?
It's one group--
Come up with
a different argument.
... Get what they want
over everyone else.
Over, over--
What the ( bleep )
is wrong with you?
What the ( bleep ) is wrong with you?
What the ( bleep ) is wrong with you?
You pretend you're kidding,
but you really mean it.
My father fought
those nazis, okay?
So if you call me that again,
I'm gonna
punch you in the face!
All right, I won't
call you that,
You Hitler nazi piece of ***!
Come on.
Get off me!
Get the ( bleep ) off me!
You cut my hand.
Goddamnit.
Nice.
Jeez, man, it looks bad.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
How long they
gonna make you wait?
I ink the guy
they're working on now
Has a musket wound.
Got blindsided by a model t.
I heard he got
stepped on by a dinosaur.
At least you got that
dirty *** rag there
Seeping germs into your wound.
I think I saw the bartender
spit into it
And wipe up some aids vomit.
God.
So how are the kids?
Good.
They're at my place.
Babysitter.
They'll be waking me up
in about four hours.
Must be nice.
Oh, it's andie.
Hello, hey, babe.
Yeah, no.
I'm out.
Nothing.
Yeah, no, try to get
some sleep.
All right, you too.
Bye.
You didn't tell her
where you are?
She's gonna start worrying,
what's the use?
Must be nice having somebody
at home worrying for you.
You got your kids.
Yeah, but a wife.
I mean, I just think
it's great that you and andie
Made it work, you know?
You've been together,
what, 15 years?
Yeah, well, it ain't easy.
Well, at least you did it.
Miss your wife?
No, but I envy you.
The other day, I get a package
in the mail, right?
It's from India.
I'm like, what the hell's
this ***?
So I open it up.
It's a brick of ***.
I look over at andie,
she's grinning.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, she ordered on-line,
you know.
I feel bad, she's lonely.
She's gorgeous,
I don't want to be with
anybody else,
But, you know, some nights...
I don't know.
I'd just rather have
a burger and hit the sack.
Yeah, we started counseling
And every other night
I stick a wooden
medicated *** in her
And now just-- we sit around
waiting to see
Who's gonna die first.
That's about it.
Jesus Christ, Nick.
I mean, we're getting old, Lou.
I mean, we can't have
kids anymore.
Um... I don't know.
At one point, one of us is
gonna leave the other behind.
Oh, jeez.
I guess this is where
the letter "c"
Comes for her dialysis.
Sorry about your hand, man.
It's all right,
I don't jerk off anymore
And I can lift the toilet seat
with the other one.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry I called you a nazi.
Don't worry about it, ***.
Uh...
Hey, seriously, man.
You got your kids,
you're lucky.
I'm happy for you, really.
Thanks, Nick.
Remember when
we were in our 20s,
We used to come home this late
'cause we were
out getting laid?
We never got laid.
I remember one time
I was with a friend of mine
Who lives in New York also,
And we went to go pick up
his cousin--
She lives on a farm in
new Hampshire her whole life.
Her family is this weird family
that kept her kids on a farm.
Anyway, her parents finally
died, so she got to leave,
And so she
came down to visit her cousin,
My friend in the city,
And so we picked her up at
port authority bus station.
She had never been to
any city before
And we're picking
her up at the port authority,
That smelly hole of a place.
And we pick her up there
and she's just freaking out
At New York.
She's never seen
anything like it.
And we pass this homeless guy
and she sees him--
I mean, we all
passed him, but she saw him.
She's the only one who
actually saw him.
We didn't-- me and her
cousin were like, "so?
"he's supposed to be there.
"so what?
"there's a perfectly good reason
why that's not me and it's him.
The right people
always win, I'm sure of it."
But, so there he is,
And this dude was
particularly homeless.
He was one of those high-octane
homeless,
Smelly, just *** smell,
The unbelievable
*** smell, just--
He was ***.
He didn't just smell like ***,
he was--
When you ***, he comes out.
That's what--
that's how much...
I don't know if he
had gathered it for warmth
Or folks just went,
"ek," all day.
And he had dreadlocks.
Not hacky sack, cool-guy,
medical-marijuana dreadlocks,
Just "human-neglect clumps"
of hair.
A clump of hair for every year
That no one knew
his name or cared.
Yeah, that's who you've
been laughing at
For the last ten minutes.
That's how bad it was.
And again, me and my friend
were just like, "hmph."
His cousin
immediately just gets--
She's like, "oh, my God !"
She takes a knee.
That's how-- I mean, I'm not
even taking a real knee now,
That's how little
I give a *** about the guy.
He's not even here
and I'm still like,
"hmph, yeah, that's
close enough."
She goes, "oh, my God,
sir, are you okay?
What happened ?"
"what happened ?"
America happened.
What do you mean,
"what happened ?"
So she's down there--
"sir, can we call someone ?"
And me and my friend,
we're from New York,
This is the crazy part,
we immediately go to her,
"oh, no, no, no,
honey, don't..."
We start
correcting her behavior
Like she's doing
something wrong.
She's like,
"why, is he okay ?"
"no, no, he needs you
desperately,
"that's not the point.
"we just don't do that here.
You silly country girl."
Hello?
Louie? Hi, it's doctor Ben.
Hey, what's up man?
Yeah, yeah, how are you?
Um...
Look...
I got back your blood work.
Yeah?
Yeah, listen.
I'm sorry about being an ***...
By the way, um...
Te thing is I need you to come back here
to do some more tests.
What... What for?
Well, your blood work shows...
that...
you may have...
slight...
big fat...
gingi-ugly-itis...
Oh, my God, you're such a ***.
No, um, you've got AIDS.
That's why I thought I need prove,
but don't worry,
the cancer is gonna eventually
kill the AIDS before...
it kills you quite slowly and...
and painfully. No, no...
You do have cancer, though.
Loads of it. In your ***.
Um, in fact, that's all there is
in the ***. No balls at all, just two
healthy lumps of cancer replaced
the horrible *** ***
in there. And that's gonna...
kill you as well, so um...
By the way, the AIDS shows
um, this very...
extensive shows that you...
got the AIDS from raping
a little blind boy...
Louie...
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com