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What is this?
"St. Osric's Prekindergarten Academy and Daycare Center"?
Do I hear the pitter-patter
of petite elite feet?
No, no, no.
It's just that
the wait list
for St. Osric's
is up to four years,
Oh.
so I thought we should
get our application
in now to be safe.
Very wise, Niles.
You know, Lilith and I waited
until Frederick was conceived
before we enrolled him
in private school.
Mr. Procrastinator.
Well, you know.
It's prekindergarten--
they run around,
they sing, they nap.
How special
can St. Osric's really be?
Well, I hear the top two percent
in coloring and putting away
can pretty much
write their own ticket.
Oh, Niles, guess
who's coming to visit.
Leland Barton.
Really? From the Empire Club?
No, no. That's Barton Leland
.
Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant.
They worked together closely
for years.
I don't remember him.
Oh, that's right.
We were just boys
when he moved to France.
Apparently he
gave up psychiatry
and immersed himself
in the Paris art world.
Today,
he sits on the board of
the Paris Museum of Modern Art.
Wow. Takes a brave man
to just chuck it all,
Mm.
cross the ocean in pursuit
of a new life in a new country.
Or a brave woman.
Oh, yes,
that's absolutely right.
That's exactly
what you did.
Just like Dr. Barton,
you bade farewell to
the comforts of hearth and home
and filled your sails with the
winds of change and adventure.
Well, I never looked at it
that way.
Now I'll have something
to think about this afternoon
when I'm rubbing
your dad's bum.
(sighs)
Hello, Roz
Hi.
Hey, Roz.
How was the dog park?
Well, I got a phone number.
Oh, nice.
Is that why you people
have pets-- to get dates?
No, but it's a plus.
I've never met one person
who didn't get at least one date through their pet.
Well, meet me.
Four years in high school
and not a single encounter
generated.
Stupid fish.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that would be Leland.
Who's Leland?
He was Hester's
research assistant.
Used to follow her around
like a puppy.
I think he was always a little
bit jealous of me, to be honest.
Not that he was alone.
Dr. Barton
Hello, Frasier.
I'm Frasier.
Good to see you.
How are you?
Let me take that for you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Hello.
My God, look at you!
I haven't seen you
since you were about, what,
seven years old?
And you still look good
in a suit.
Oh...
Martin, you have not
changed a whit.
Oh, my hair's gray,
and I got a bullet in my hip.
Well, I'm bigger and balder,
but I don't want
to hear about it.
But you look exactly
the same, too.
Thank you, sir.
And you must be...?
I'm assuming you don't go by Niles anymore.
No, this-this is my producer,
Roz Doyle.
My brother's not here.
Oh...
(chuckles)
My sincerest apologies.
You are a handsome woman.
Oh.
And it's nice to meet you, too
I guess I should be going.
Oh, not on my
account, I hope.
FRASIER:
Please, Roz,
stay if you like.
Can I get anybody a drink?
Well, not unless you happen
to have any sherry.
(chuckles heartily)
I think I can
scare up a glass. Roz?
Well, I'll have
a beer, please.
Well, I can handle that.
Come, sit down.
Well, thank you.
So, I hear you worked
with Frasier's mom.
Yes, I did
Did you know her?
No.
Oh, pity.
She was a remarkable woman.
Brilliant, playful...
and passionate.
I adored her.
FRASIER:
Here we are.
Welcome back to Seattle.
Thank you.
There we are.
(chuckles)
(sighs)
This sherry
is exquisite.
Oh, thank you.
It's an Andalusian Amontilla
do I'm rather fond of.
A connoisseur.
I am very surprised.
Most Americans think that sherry
is just for cooking.
Oh, my brother and I have
always had a taste for it.
Well, you didn't get that from me.
I've always hated the stuff.
You know, come to think of it,
so did your mom.
Can I help you?
I'm sorry about that.
Eddie, down.
Wh-Why is he doing that?
I don't really know.
He used to do it to me, but,
uh... I tell you what,
just don't get
in a staring contest with him.
That's what he wants.
MARTIN:
Come on, Eddie, get down.
I'm sorry. I don't know
what got into him.
I'll get him a treat.
Frasier, this is remarkable.
You and I seem to have
the same taste in art.
Rauschenberg, Otterson
African statuary and sculpture.
Although I...
I must confess,
I'm not familiar with that one
Oh, that's because
while most Azande statues
are intended
to ward off evil spirits,
this one was designed
to distract me
while my pockets were picked
at the Kinshasa Airport.
(laughing)
You two have a lot in common.
Psychiatry and sherry and art...
And furniture.
That is a Coco Chanel sofa,
unless I'm mistaken.
It is an exact
replica of the one
in her Paris atelier.
You know, not many people even notice it.
Well, not many people
have passed out drunk
on the original.
Oh, I would love
to hear that story.
Well, you are in luck,
because I love
to tell it.
But first,
let me thank you
for making me feel
so welcome.
I must confess,
I had some reservations
about returning to Seattle.
But you have
dispelled them all.
To you.
Ah...
Mmm.
Mmm. Please.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
NILES:
Okay, we just need
to fill in a name
and I can get the application
over to St. Osric's.
How can we have a name?
I'm not even pregnant yet.
You know, it's not the name.
It's just a placeholder.
Anything will do.
Mm, all right,
how about, uh... Simon?
As in your-brother-with-the-
substance-abuse-problem Simon?
There are other Simons,
you know.
Simon Templar, Simon Legree,
Simon Chipmunk.
You're not exactly
building a case for Simon.
Um, how about Jill?
No, don't like it.
That's the name of that
weather tart on channel eight.
All right, let's just
pick a name at random.
Oh, like, out of the phone book.
Oh, that's
a good idea,
and leave it to fate.
Okay...
When I stop, you point.
"Bob."
Great.
Bob...
Crane. Okay.
Going to need some whiteout.
LELAND:
Oh, listen to me,
I've been talking your ears off for the past hour
about psychiatry.
MARTIN:
Yeah, really.
Oh, Roz, do you mind
if we join you?
Oh, yeah, not at all.
Hi, Roz.
Leland, it is
such a pleasure
to talk shop
with a fellow nutcracker.
And talking to you "Jung" people
makes me feel like an "id" again.
(laughing)
Do you have a pun,
Frasier?
Uh, no.
Let's just sit down, huh?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Oh, you know,
there is
a wonderful Brassai exhibit
in town.
What do you say we
stop over there after lunch?
I would love that.
I'm a big fan.
Oh, I wish
I could join you.
I have patients
all afternoon.
Don't suppose you'd be willing to go now would you?
Fine by me
Certainly.
Let's get coffee at the museum
Dad, Roz, any chance
you'd like to take in some
Parisian photos by
an old Romanian master?
Mmmm... no
Thanks anyway.
Okay..
Oh, excuse me.
Your father forgot
his umbrella.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Here you go... "Dad."
(all chuckling)
Well, I don't blame him for that.
Leland's more
like him than I am.
Really?
You really think so?
Oh, come on, how can
you not see it?
They're like three
fancy peas in a pod.
Well, I did notice
that they have
the same taste
in art and music,
and they even have
some of the same mannerisms.
Yeah.
And Leland and Niles
are both allergic
to rosehips
and Jerusalem artichokes.
Weird, huh?
When Leland was talking
to me last night
about how close
he and Hester were,
I started thinking
what you're thinking.
And what am I thinking?
Nothing.
What are you saying?
You think he's their father?
No, I wasn't saying that
Well, lots of people like art and sherry and-and...
French stuff.
It doesn't mean they're related.
By your logic, everyone on the
cooking channel is their father.
Okay.
Okay
Ugh! what the hell is this?
I don't know.
It was there
when I sat down.
Ew!
Leland, your autobiography is wonderful.
Thank you.
Let us hope that
the publishing houses
feel similarly.
Ah. Have you shown it to Frasier?
No, I haven't.
How's he feeling, by the way?
Let's go see.
Right.
(cell phone rings)
Yeah, bring the
manuscript; he'd love to see it.
Hello.
Oh, hello, darling.
Go ahead, I'll be right there.
Okay, so Delilah's out.
No, no, that's fine,
that's fine.
What are your ideas?
Taylor, uh-huh.
Fletcher.
Cooper.
Tanner.
Where are you getting these,
The Big Book
of Medieval Professions?
Frasier, how you doing?
Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning.
I-I'm not going to be able to make dinner.
Oh, I understand.
Well, I'll leave you to rest
Perhaps though, later,
if you're feeling better
I can get your opinion
on a short section
of my autobiography.
Well, when I can't give
an opinion, you may as well
call the coroner, tag my toe,
I'm dead.
(laughing)
No, that's a kind of car
Hey, Niles.
Hey.
What's going on?
Oh, we were going to go out
to dinner with Leland,
but Frasier's
not feeling well.
Oh, well, maybe
I'll go check on him.
Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack.
"I realized the Sherpa
had become my guide
in more ways than one."
Oh, that was wonderful.
Read me another.
Oh, no,
you go to sleep now.
Oh, Dad.
Hey, Fras. Just, uh,
was wondering
how you were feeling.
Oh, well,
not so good actually.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to skip dinner.
Why don't you go
in my place?
Sure, if you
want me to.
All right.
You know, the two of you
should get going
or you'll miss the reservation
Right. Well, get well, son.
We'll be wishing you
a speedy recovery. Mm?
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Fras, you want me
to bring you something back
from the restaurant?
Maybe some Jell-O
to soothe your tummy?
Thanks, Dad,
it's all taken care of.
Leland is going to bring me
some consomm← and sorbet.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, Niles, it looks like
your dad is going to take Frasier's place at dinner.
Oh, excellent.
Oh!
What's the matter?
My leg's asleep.
Ooh, move your foot around.
No, no, it's the whole leg.
I'll just wait it out.
But the movement will get the blood flowing.
Go ahead, give it a try.
No, can't put
weight on it.
Sure you can. Give it a try.
Come on, one step
at a time, come on
There you go. That a boy
That a boy. Keep going
There you are, good.
Hey, Roz.
Hey, Martin.
If you're looking for
Frasier, he just left.
Well, thanks, but actually,
I was looking for you.
I could use
a little advice.
From me? Really?
Well, if it stinks,
I can always ignore it.
Okay, that's a plan. Come on in.
I'm just finishing up.
What do you need?
Uh, it's the Leland thing.
I mean, even though
I know it's not possible
that he's Frasier
and Niles' father,
I guess what's bugging me
is, technically, it is possible.
Well, sure,
it's possible,
technically.
Martin, do you really think
your wife would have
ever cheated on you?
She did.
She said it happened once.
Oh, my God.
With Leland?
No. With someone else.
I think that you're
driving yourself crazy
for nothing here.
Of course Frasier and
Niles are your sons.
You're exactly
like them.
"Like"? How?
A strong sense of ethics.
Yeah. We are ethical.
What else?
The way they spin out
of control.
Hmm. That's true.
They got that from me.
Their stubbornness.
I'm not stubborn.
Their defensiveness.
What's that
supposed to mean?
The way they completely
dismiss anyone
who doesn't share
their opinion.
Oh, now you're just
being dumb.
Hey, what is the
worst-case scenario?
If you found out you
weren't their father,
would you love
them any less?
No, no.
Well, yeah, a little, maybe,
at first, but no.
I'd feel the same about them as I hope they would about me.
Which they would,
and you know that.
Yeah.
I mean, you'd still love Alice if you'd found out
you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital.
Sure.
(both chuckle)
And as a cop,
I've seen that happen
more often than
you'd think.
Especially at
Seattle General.
I had Alice
at Seattle General.
Oh. Sorry.
But the point was that
you'd love her just the same
so who cares
who her real mother is.
I'm her real mother!
Okay, geez.
How about Desmond?
Desmond Crane.
Desmond Crane, you are
hereby sentenced to...
No, I don't like it.
What about Jack?
Afraid not.
The first name ends
with the same sound
that begins the last name.
So you either end up
running them together
Jack Crane, or you face
the dreaded glottal stop.
Jack Crane. Jack Crane.
It's unpleasant
for the throat.
This conversation's
unpleasant for the throat.
Well, I know, I know.
Okay. Oh... why don't we use
the name of that nice nurse
from when I was
in the hospital?
Fong or Deshondra?
Fong.
Wait. Let's not
drive ourselves
crazy about this.
It's a temporary name
for a hypothetical child.
Yes, but once you give something
a name, it makes it more real,
and then that name will always
have a sort of priority.
I don't care
how often you say
"elevator" or "apartment"
or "crossing guard,"
to me they'll always be
"lifts" and "flats"
and "lollipop men."
Well, then, tell you what,
you pick a name
and I'll accept it
unconditionally.
Milton.
Milton. Great poet
and a great name.
Great.
Can we go to bed now?
Yes.
Hey, didn't you have
a soccer hooligan
boyfriend named Milton?
Yeah, that's where
I got it.
No...
♪
♪♪ I know the kings of England ♪
♪♪ And I quote the fights
historical ♪♪
♪♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical ♪♪
♪♪ I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical ♪♪
♪
♪♪ I understand equations, bot
h the simple and quadratical ♪
♪♪
♪♪ About binomial theorem
I'm teeming with a lot of news
♪♪ With many cheerful facts about
the square of the hypotenuse ♪♪
♪
♪♪ With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse ♪
♪♪ With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse ♪
♪
♪♪ With many awful acts
about the scary hippopotamus! ♪♪
What a wonderfully musical
family you are.
We sure are.
Me and my boys.
My boys and me, yeah.
We're wonderful
and we're musical.
Martin, I can't tell you
what a wonderful job
you've done with them.
Oh, it's wasn't a job.
It was a biological
pleasure.
And don't forget,
I had Hester.
(phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
You were lucky.
She was a splendid woman
and a remarkable
research partner.
And an even better
life partner.
Well, I wouldn't know
about that.
Damn straight you wouldn't
Leland, your cab is waiting.
Oh, so soon?
Well, I can't thank you enough for all your courtesies.
Bless you.
If you are ever in Paris,
you must allow me
to repay your many kindnesses.
Oh, thank you
so much.
I'm so proud of the way
you boys have turned out.
Leland, let me
walk you out.
Thank you.
NILES:
Bon voyage.
Leland, there's a question
I need to ask you.
Oh, yes, of course.
Anything.
I'm a little uncomfortable even bringing it up,
but I don't think I could let you leave the country
without knowing the answer.
I know that you and my wife
spent a lot of time together,
that you were close.
I loved her very much.
And I guess my question is,
how much?
Enough to...
trust her with the fact
that I'm gay.
Oh!
40 years ago,
people weren't as accepting
as they are nowadays,
and without someone like her
to confide in...
She quite probably
saved my life.
Leland, she loved you, too.
She really was something,
wasn't she?
Oh, she really was.
Bye, Martin.
Take care, Leland.
Thank you.
My boys.
♪♪ On a tree by a river
a little tom-*** ♪♪
♪♪ Sang "Willow, titwillow
, titwillow" ♪♪
♪♪ And I said to him,
"Dicky-bird, why do you sit ♪♪
♪♪
♪♪ Singing '’’Willow,
titwillow, titwillow'’’?"
♪
♪♪ "Is it a weakness of the intellect, birdie,?" I cried ♪
♪♪ "Or a very tough worm
on your little inside?" ♪♪
Oh, my God,
are you still stuck
picking a name
for that application?
Yeah, we can't
come up with one.
Oh, God, give it to me.
And then I'll fill it in
and you'll never have to see it,
you won't feel stuck with it
That's a great idea.
Howard Clifton is
officially accepted.
Who do we have next?
Last name "Crane," first name...
"Ichabod."
Well, if they're not going to
take the application seriously,
how can we expect them
to take St. Osric's seriously?
♪♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-calling ♪
♪
♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪
Oh, my!
♪♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do
♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again
. ♪♪
Thank you!