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>> Narrator: RIGHT NOW ON
"UPLOAD"...
>> OH!
>> Narrator: ...SHAQ AND CREW
SCOUR THE WEB...
>> LOOK AT THIS.
>> Narrator: ...TO SEE WHO WILL
REIGN AS KING OF ALL CLIPS...
>> HERE'S YOUR PRIZE, MAN.
>> Narrator: ...WITH MUSICAL
MUTTS...
>> IT'S ALICIA FLEAS.
>> Narrator: ...TINY
DAREDEVILS...
DANGLING DUMMIES...
AND TABLE DANCES OF DEATH!
>> OHH!
>> Narrator: PLUS, LOVE AT FIRST
SIGHT.
>> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!
>> Narrator: THE BIG MAN HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY.
>> I'M A BIG BOY.
>> Narrator: COMIC ARNEZ J.
DROPS BY.
>> [ BARKING ]
>> Narrator: AND SHAQ PRANKS
GARY.
WE HAVE LIFTOFF!
AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS SHAQ'S
CLIP OF THE WEEK.
[ SHEEP SCREAMS ]
"UPLOAD" STARTS NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME TO "UPLOAD."
GIVE IT UP FOR THE TWO MOST
SEXIEST MEN IN SHOW BUSINESS,
ME AND GODFREY.
>> YEAH! [ LAUGHS ]
>> AND THIS GUY'S GARY OWEN.
>> WHATEVER.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW
YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF TENDER AND
BEAUTIFUL WEB CLIPS WHERE NOBODY
FALLS DOWN OR HURTS THEIR FACE.
>> All: JUST KIDDING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY GONNA
GO DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OHH!
>> IT'S LIKE SHE SAID, "WOW, I
CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY SLID
OFF THE SLIDE!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "SUZIE, I ASKED YOU NICELY
NOT TO BLEED IN THE POOL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHAQ, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
EVENT IN MEN'S GYMNASTICS?
>> SLAM-DUNK CONTEST.
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, MINE HAPPENS TO BE THE
VAULT.
>> OHH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE VAULT -- IT'S WHAT'S FOR
DINNER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
COOL?
IF HE GOT SMACKED IN THE FACE
AND STILL WENT...
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, HE DIDN'T WIN A MEDAL,
BUT NOW HE CAN PARK ANYWHERE HE
WANTS.
>> [ Laughing ] YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW, BACK IN THE DAY,
PARENTS WOULD NEVER BLINDFOLD
THEIR KIDS AND HAND THEM A
WEAPON, BUT THEN, MEXICANS
INVENTED THE PIÑATA.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S FUNNY.
PIÑATAS USUALLY DON'T HAVE
SKULLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ Foreign accent ] AND THEN
ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN RUSH TO
PICK UP PABLO'S BRAINS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LADY, YOUR GRANDSON IS
20 FEET FROM THAT DAMN PIÑATA.
MAYBE GET HIM A LITTLE CLOSER
BEFORE YOU HAND HIM THE WEAPON.
I MEAN, THE PIÑATA WASN'T EVEN
IN THE VIDEO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "OKAY, ESTEBAN, THERE'S
NOTHING BETWEEN YOU AND THAT
CANDY...EXCEPT FOR THOSE COUSINS
YOU HATE.
START SWINGING!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
DOG-SLED RACE THEY HAVE IN
ALASKA?
>> THE IDITAROD.
>> THIS IS NOT THE IDITAROD.
>> OH!
[ WOMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ DOG YELPS ]
AAH! AAH!
>> OHH!
>> SHE ACTUALLY DIED DOING WHAT
SHE LOVED DOING THE MOST --
KILLING HER DOG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'D JUMP OUT OF A MOVING
CAR, TOO, IF YOUR OWNERS WERE
LISTENING TO KE$HA.
[ WOMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ DOG YELPS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, BEST TV THEME SONG OF
ALL TIME -- GO.
>> "KNIGHT RIDER." MM!
>> "SpongeBob"...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...AND "KNIGHT RIDER."
>> "KNIGHT RIDER" IT IS, AND I
HAVE A FEELING THIS NEXT GUY
WOULD AGREE WITH US.
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
[ "KNIGHT RIDER THEME" PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
>> "UNFORTUNATELY, SIR, I'M
GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A
CITATION FOR POPPING AND
LOCKING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PASS IT. PASS IT. PASS IT.
PASS IT, MAN. COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, OH.
OH, OH, OH!
UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH!
UNH!
>> [ IMITATING MACHINERY
WHIRRING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT IF HE WAS A STALKER?
THAT'D BE CREEPY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHERE YOU GOING, GIRL?"
[ "KNIGHT RIDER THEME" PLAYS ]
>> IF TERRY CREWS AND JAMIE FOXX
HAD A BABY, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
HE'D LOOK LIKE.
[ BELL DINGS ]
[ "KNIGHT RIDER THEME" PLAYS ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES
ME OFF?
>> PEOPLE WHO SAY YOU CAN'T
SHOOT FREE THROWS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.
I JUST HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY DOGS
CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO.
[ NOTES PLAY ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHO IS THAT --
JOHANN SEBASTIAN "BARK"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING IT
WAS WOOF-GANG AMADEUS MOZART.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, YOU'RE BOTH WRONG.
IT'S ALICIA FLEAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH!
ALICIA FLEAS! AHA!
>> NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY A GAME
WE CALL "FIND THE ONE TINY THING
WE CHANGED IN THIS CLIP."
[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE CALLS THIS PIECE
"LET ME SMELL YOUR ***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY ARGUE
ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, BUT THE
GREATEST DEBATE WILL ALWAYS BE
THIS ONE.
>> I AM A BIG BOY.
>> I'M A BIG BOY.
I'M A BIG BOY!
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
I AM!
>> I AM!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
YOU BOTH BECAME BIG BOYS THE DAY
DADDY LEFT.
>> I AM!
>> I AM!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I THINK THAT'S THE SAME
ARGUMENT THEY HAD WHEN 'N SYNC
BROKE UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ACTUALLY GET INTO THIS
ARGUMENT ALL THE TIME WITH
PEOPLE.
LET ME SHOW YOU.
I'M A BIG BOY!
>> NO [BLEEP]
>> THEN WE GO TO THE CLUB, YOU
KNOW?
>> YEAH? [ LAUGHS ]
>> GET SOMETHING TO DRINK.
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
>> WHOA, OKAY.
YOU'RE A BIG BOY -- WE GET IT.
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
>> I'VE HEARD.
SHAQ, WAIT.
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
I'M A BIG BOY!
>> UGH!
>> I'M A BIG BOY!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Narrator: COMING UP ON
"UPLOAD"...
THE TOUGHEST RIDES ON THE
PLAYGROUND...
TOTALLY PSYCHO CYCLES...
SHAQ TAKES GARY FOR A RIDE.
WHY IS THIS SHEEP SO PISSED OFF?
[ SHEEP SCREAMS ]
>> Narrator: PLUS, COMIC
ARNEZ J. STOPS BY.
AND LATER...
SHAQ'S PICK FOR CLIP OF THE
WEEK...
WHEN "UPLOAD" CONTINUES.
>> YO, IT'S YOUR BOY
SHAQ DIESEL.
>> AND YOUR BOY GARY OWEN.
>> YOU KNOW IT'S NOT EASY TO
FIND VIDEOS FOR THE SHOW.
>> THAT'S WHY EVERY DAY I GET
WITH MY BUDDY SHAQ AND WE LOOK
FOR CLIPS FOR THIS SHOW.
>> VIDEOS?
WE AIN'T WATCHING NO STINKIN'
VIDEOS.
THIS WHOLE THING IS A LIE.
GARY HAS NO IDEA, BUT HE'S ABOUT
TO GET AIRBAGGED.
THAT'S WHEN YOU SNEAK A CAR'S
AIRBAG UNDER SOMEONE'S CHAIR AND
YOU SET IT OFF.
WHAT HAPPENS?
THIS HAPPENS.
>> OH!
>> OHH!
>> YEP, GARY'S SITTING ON A TIME
BOMB, AND I'M ABOUT TO SET IT
OFF.
LET'S DO THIS.
SO, WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR A
VIDEO TO MAKE THE "UPLOAD" CUT?
LET'S FIND OUT.
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
GOT HIM.
GOT HIM.
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
YOU SCARED THE [BLEEP] OUT OF
ME, MAN.
IS IT GONNA GO BACK DOWN?
ARE WE GONNA FINISH?
ARE WE DONE?
OH, WAS IT?
>> YEAH.
>> OH [BLEEP]
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL THIS WAS BULL [BLEEP]?
>> YEAH.
>> OH, MAN.
[BLEEP] OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY, WHO HAS THE HOTTEST
RIDES IN AMERICA?
>> RAPPERS.
>> MNH-MNH. ATHLETES.
>> BOTH ARE GOOD GUESSES AND
BOTH WRONG.
THE ANSWER IS LITTLE KIDS.
IT'S TIME FOR "TOT WHEELS."
[ HORN HONKS ]
THE FIRST PLAYER BLEW ALL HIS
TOOTH FAIRY CASH TO BUY THE
TIGHTEST WHIP ON THE PLAYGROUND.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAN, HOW MANY SIPPY-CUP
HOLDERS DOES THAT THING COME
WITH?
>> ♪ ROLLING DOWN THE STREET,
TICKLIN' ELMO ♪
♪ SIPPIN' ON JUICE AND JUICE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE'S GOT THAT BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
IN HIS DIAPER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE NEXT LITTLE "G" GOT THE
TIGHTEST ROLL ON SESAME STREET.
>> MM.
>> ROLL, CHILD.
>> YEAH.
>> HE'S QUICK AT IT.
>> HE DOES IT ON CAMERA, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "HONEY, DID YOU REMEMBER TO
PUT ALL THE FLAMMABLE LIQUID
UNDERNEATH THE BABY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS, AND I
GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS WE'VE GOT THE
COOLEST KID IN TOWN.
I'LL TELL YOU THE BAD NEWS ON
THE WAY TO THE BURN WARD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND IT ONLY COST HIS ENTIRE
COLLEGE FUND TO BUILD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SEE, NOW, THESE KIDS HAVE
TRICKED-OUT BABY RIDES, BUT CAN
THEY ACTUALLY DRIVE?
>> HELL YEAH.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> OH, HELL, DAWG, THAT WAS
DOPE.
>> NICE PARKING, BUDDY.
>> "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS:
PRESCHOOL DRIFT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT WAS GOOD.
>> GOD, THAT KID'S ABOUT TO GET
MORE COOTIES THAN HE CAN HANDLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL IF HE
HAD A THING -- RRR-RRR-RRR!
>> HERE'S A FEW MOTORCYCLE
SAFETY TIPS FROM THE GUYS AT
"UPLOAD."
>> OH, AND, UH, FACE FORWARD.
[ BEEPING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HERE.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
OH, NO.
>> YO, HE WAS DOING FINE
BACKWARDS.
>> RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, I GOT ONE.
CHECK OUT THIS CLIP.
>> ...ADVENTURES TO THE
WIZARDING WORLD OF
HARRY POTTER...
>> UH-OH. UH-OH.
HERE IT COMES. HERE IT COMES.
>> ...ONLY AT UNIVERSAL --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "I'M SORRY, BILLY.
YOU'VE BEEN VOTED OFF THE BED."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE WANTED -- HE WANTED TO
LOOK LIKE HIS HERO HARRY POTTER,
SO THEY GAVE HIM A SCAR ON HIS
HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH!
>> HEY, GUYS, AS A KID, ANYTIME
YOU CAN GET YOUR SISTER'S
FRIENDS INTO BED, IT'S A WIN.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NOBODY CARES ABOUT THREE
DUDES DANCING ON THE TABLE.
ADD A GIRL IN A BIKINI -- NOW
YOU GOT A CLIP.
>> MM.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> "OH, WHY DOES A GIRL HAVE TO
COME AND RUIN OUR SUPERFUN
ALL-GUY TABLE DANCE?"
OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "UH, STUPID, PARTY OF FOUR?
YOUR TABLE'S READY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, SHAQ, CATS OR DOGS?
>> DAMN IT, GARY, TOLD YOU ONCE.
I TOLD YOU TWICE.
I'M A CAT MAN.
>> THEN I GUESS THIS NEXT CLIP
IS NOT FOR YOU.
IT'S FOR ALL MY "DAWGS" OUT
THERE.
[ RHYTHMIC DRUMMING ]
[ DOG SNEEZING ]
>> HE MUST BE ALLERGIC TO DOG
HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE NEIGHBOR'S
DOG PULLED THE OLD "PEPPER ON
THE ***" TRICK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I CAN JUST IMAGINE HIS JEWISH
MOTHER -- "NOODLES, DID YOU TAKE
YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATION?
YOU KNOW IT'S HAY-FEVER SEASON."
[ DOG SNEEZES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK AT THIS.
[ SHEEP SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M JUST CURIOUS -- WHAT WAS
THE SHEEP ACTUALLY SCREAMING AT?
>> LET ME SHOW YOU.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH. [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SHEEP SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Narrator: COMING UP...
COMIC ARNEZ J. DROPS BY TO PLAY
"THE WHITEST PEOPLE CLIP-OFF."
>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> Narrator: WILL THIS CHOO-CHOO
JUNKIE TAKE THE CROWN?
>> OH, MY GOSH!
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
>> Narrator: AND WE UNWRAP YOUR
"PARTING GIF"...
WHEN "UPLOAD" CONTINUES.
>> ARNEZ, WELCOME TO "UPLOAD,"
BROTHER.
THIS IS GARY.
THIS IS GODFREY.
>> ARNEZ J.!
>> WHAT'S UP, CUZ?
>> I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU
THIS QUESTION.
>> MM-HMM.
>> ARNEZ J.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT'S THE "J" STAND FOR?
JERMAL?
>> NO, MAN.
>> I GOT IT -- ARNEZ JEREMY?
>> [ SCOFFS ] NO.
>> JELLYFISH.
>> OH. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE?
>> YOU SERIOUS?
>> MM-HMM. RIGHT NOW.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH.
>> SO, WHAT DOES THE "J" STAND
FOR?
>> JELLYFISH.
I JUST DIDN'T LIKE HIM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME BACK TO "UPLOAD."
RIGHT NOW, WE'RE JOINED BY
COMEDIAN ARNEZ J.
>> YEAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S GOOD?
WHAT'S GOOD?
>> NOW, ARNEZ --
>> WAIT, WAIT.
BEFORE -- BEFORE WE GET STARTED,
LET ME -- I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL
HAVE SEEN THIS.
Y'ALL KNOW I'VE KNOWN SHAQ FOR A
LONG TIME.
YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW, I...
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS,
YOU KNOW, FOR A LONG...
[ BARKING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BARKING ]
BOY, YOU COULD *** WITH THESE
ON.
WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT YOU SAY?
YOU SAY SOMETHING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "HERE'S THE MONEY.
I HAVE IT."
>> I'VE GOT STANK ALL OVER ME
NOW.
I GOT STANK ALL OVER ME -- ALL
OVER ME.
LOOK HERE.
I'M DOING...
ALL OVER ME.
>> NOW, ARNEZ...
>> WHAT UP?
>> ...WE KNOW YOU'RE A MAN OF
FAITH.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I TRULY BELIEVE IN GOD, AND I
LOVE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, AND
WHITE PEOPLE INCLUDED, AT TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO.
>> THE WHITES ARE LIKE, "THANK
YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, ARNEZ --
WHITE PEOPLE DO THINGS JUST A
LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY.
>> ADMIT IT?
HOW DO YOU THINK I PAID FOR MY
HOUSE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, THAT'S WHY WE CALLED
YOU HERE TODAY -- TO PLAY A GAME
WE CALL THE "WHITEST PEOPLE
CLIP-OFF."
[ LAUGHTER ]
TELL THEM HOW IT WORKS, GARY.
>> OOH, BIG SHOCK YOU CAME TO
ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW THIS GOES TO GARY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, WE'RE EACH GONNA SHOW
SHAQ ONE CLIP OF THE WHITEST
PEOPLE DOING THE WHITEST STUFF
ON THE WORLD WHITE WEB --
WHITEST CLIP WINS.
>> HMM.
>> GODFREY.
>> [ Chuckling ] OKAY, MY CLIP
SHOWS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WHITE
GUY IS CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE
WORLD, BUT NOT THE LIQUOR STORE.
[ CHAIN SAW REVVING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AHH.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
>> I'LL HAVE THE *** ON THE
ROCKS.
HOLD THE CRAZY WHITE GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS THIS AN AD FOR
"ABSOLUT IDIOT"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AHH.
>> SEE, THAT VIDEO SHOWS A BUNCH
OF STUFF THAT BLACK PEOPLE JUST
AIN'T INTO, LIKE SWIMMING...
[ BUZZER ]
...HOCKEY...
[ BUZZER ]
...AND DRUNK WHITE PEOPLE WITH
CHAIN SAWS.
[ BUZZER ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GARY, GOT ANYTHING WHITER?
>> DO I?
[ LAUGHTER ]
ARNEZ, WHEN BLACK PEOPLE ARE AT
THE MOVIES AND YOU SEE SOMETHING
DANGEROUS, WHAT DO YOU GUYS YELL
AT THE SCREEN?
>> "DON'T DO THAT!
DON'T GO IN THERE!
YOU IS ABOUT A DUMB MO--"
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE
YELL AT THE SCREEN, "NO, WE
GONNA DO THAT!
I'M GONNA DO THAT!"
AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
BATMAN-ING.
>> OH, THIS GUY HAS A LOT OF
TIME ON HIS HANDS.
>> [ CHUCKLING ]
>> OHH!
>> OHH!
>> OH, OH!
OH, MY GOD, MAN.
I FELT ALL MY BRAINS GO TO MY
ANKLE.
>> RIDDLE ME THIS -- WHAT THE
HELL IS WRONG WITH WHITE PEOPLE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> "MY GOD!
ROBIN, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH MY SKULL, ROBIN.
REACH INTO MY BAT-BELT FOR MY
BAT-TYLENOL, BROTHER. OH!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YO, I DON'T HAVE NOTHING TO DO.
I'LL JUST HANG UPSIDE DOWN, SEE
WHAT HAPPENS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T DO BATMAN-ING MYSELF.
I DO BLACK MAN-ING.
>> HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
>> WHAT'D YOU SAY, GARY?
>> OH, YOU JUST...
>> OH, YOU -- NOW YOU CAUGHT IT?
MY BAD.
>> NO, I'M JUST SAYING -- HEY.
>> GARY, YOU JUST --
>> NO, I CAUGHT IT.
I JUST WONDERED WHY YOU WAS ONLY
USING ONE HAND, 'CAUSE I USE
TWO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHOA!
>> HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST --
THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST HAND
WAS ASHAMED, AND THE OTHER ONE
HELPED HIM COVER HIM UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Narrator: COMING UP...
ONE LAST CONTENDER IN OUR HUNT
FOR THE ULTIMATE WHITE PEOPLE
CLIP.
DOES ARNEZ J. HAVE THE "WHITE"
STUFF?RNEZ J. HAVE THE "WHITE"
PLUS...
WHAT WILL BE SHAQ'S CLIP OF THE
WEEK?
WHEN "UPLOAD" CONTINUES.
>> Narrator: BEFORE THE BREAK,
SHAQ ASKED THE GUYS TO BRING HIM
THE WHITEST CLIPS ON EARTH.
GODFREY CAME WITH A *** ON
ICE.
>> AHH.
>> Narrator: AND GARY DROPPED
SOME BATMAN-ING.
DOES ARNEZ J. HAVE ANYTHING
WHITER?
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> OKAY, ARNEZ, YOUR TURN.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
>> WELL, SHAQ, MY CLIP IS THE
OPPOSITE OF "SOUL TRAIN."
>> I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
MOMENT FOR MONTHS, AND IT'S
FINALLY HERE.
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
OH, MY GOD!
OH! LISTEN TO THAT HORN!
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
OH, MY GOSH!
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!
OH! OH, OH, OH!
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
OH, NO!
IT'S A BL2, TOO!
OH, THAT HORN GIVES ME THE
CHILLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IF THAT'S WHAT -- IF THAT'S
WHAT THAT DUDE DOES WHEN HE SEES
A TRAIN, IMAGINE WHAT HE'LL DO
WHEN HE SEES A GIRL NAKED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S THE SAME THING I SAY
WHEN I CATCH A CAB IN NEW YORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, NO, THEY STOPPED FOR ME!
WOW!"
>> OH, MY GOSH!
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
>> YEAH, THAT'S VERY WHITE,
'CAUSE HE KNEW THE NUMBERS OF
THE TRAINS.
>> OH, NO!
IT'S A BL2, TOO!
>> THAT'S A 589!
THAT'S A 698, TOO, MAN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO, GARY, WHAT'S UP WITH
WHITE PEOPLE AND TRAINS?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DON'T FREAK OUT OVER TRAINS.
WHO CARES ABOUT STUPID TRAINS?
[ IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!
THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NOISE
I'VE EVER HEARD.
>> I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER.
CONGRATULATIONS, ARNEZ J.
YOU ARE THE PIED PIPER OF WHITE
PEOPLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HERE'S YOUR PRIZE, MAN.
HERE'S YOUR PRIZE -- THE WHITEST
PEOPLE GIFT BASKET EVER --
ONE PUMPKIN-SCENTED CANDLE...
>> THANK YOU.
>> ...A WHEEL OF BRIE CHEESE...
>> MM.
>> ...A HOCKEY PUCK...
"SHERYL CROW'S GREATEST HITS"...
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> ...AND TWO FINAL FOUR TICKETS
TO LACROSSE.
ENJOY.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE
TICKETS.
NO.
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH! LISTEN TO THAT HORN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANKS TO ALL OF YOU OUT
THERE WHO KNOW HOW TO TURN A
CELLPHONE SIDEWAYS, SO YOUR
VIDEO ISN'T LIKE A WEIRD LITTLE
STRIP THAT'S HARD TO SEE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO, ARNEZ J., WHAT DID WE
LEARN TODAY?
>> WE LEARNED THERE'S NO CANDY
IN A 9-YEAR-OLD'S HEAD.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON
"UPLOAD."
HERE NOW ARE YOUR PARTING GIFs.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ WHOOSHING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]