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J.D.: EVERYONE HERE THINKS THEY KNOW ME INSIDE AND OUT.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME HELP.
[ALOUD] NOPE.
J.D.: EVEN RANDOM PEOPLE.
YOU NEED HELP, DR. DORIAN?
NO THANKS, DR. WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
FREE HELP HERE.
*** OFF, MICKHEAD.
YOU'D THINK BY NOW THEY'D KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA END UP.
DR. ***, I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP.
BEYONCÉ, YOU COULD USE A LOT OF HELP.
BUT HEY, WE ALL HAVE TO PLAY THE HAND
THE BIG GUY DEALT US,
YOU KNOW, UNLESS YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH
TO HAVE THOSE INSANELY OVER-HYPED *** EYE GUYS
SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR.
BUT I DOUBT EVEN THEY HAVE THE BRASS ONES NECESSARY
TO FIX WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
YEAH, IF YOU WANT TO USE THE APPEARANCE ANGLE
TO KNOCK DOWN MY SELF-ESTEEM,
BEST TO DO IT ON A DAY
WHEN MY HAIR DOESN'T LOOK AWESOME.
I KNOW, IT'S NEW WAX.
WHAT IS?
IT'S OK TO WANT A PIECE.
UGH!
I JUST WANT YOU TO CHECK OUT MRS. BARLOW'S CHART.
I'M ALWAYS SECOND-GUESSING MYSELF
WHEN IT COMES TO INTERSTITIAL LUNG DISEASES.
OH, THEN YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY HANDLE THIS YOURSELF THERE, BRITNEY.
I'M GOING WITH FEMALE POP STARS TODAY.
THE POINT IS THAT BACK WHEN I WAS A RESIDENT,
I HAD ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE WITH METABOLIC DISEASES.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I GRABBED EVERY CASE
I COULD GET MY HANDS ON
UNTIL I HAD IT DOWN PAT.
GOT IT.
YOU REALLY HAD TROUBLE WITH METABOLIC DISEASES?
NO. I'M A GOOD DOCTOR.
OH.
THERE YOU GO.
OH, HELLO, MR. GALLBLADDER.
DON'T YOU GET TOO COMFY NEXT TO MR. LIVER,
BECAUSE HERE COMES
DR. TURK'S ROBOT LASER.
[IMITATES LASER]
HEY, CHRISTOPHER,
I COULD DO WITHOUT THE COLOR COMMENTARY.
WHY IT GOT TO BE A COLOR COMMENTARY?
'CAUSE I'M DOING IT?
JUST KIDDING.
THAT WAS A NEAR PERFECT LAPROSCOPIC CHOLECYSTOMY.
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING ON YOUR DEXTERITY?
WELL, I'VE BEEN PLAYING A LITTLE JOHN MADDEN FOOTBALL
ON MY XBOX.
I'D LIKE TO PLAY JOHN MADDEN FOOTBALL
ON HER XBOX.
ON WHO, TODD?
THERE ARE NO WOMEN HERE.
IT'S STILL FUNNY.
THE TODD HERE USED TO BE OUR NUMBER ONE LAP-COLI GUY,
BUT THE TORCH
HAS BEEN PASSED.
THANK YOU, SIR.
DUDE, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS.
[SIGHS]
DISAPPOINTED?
I SHOULD HAVE WAITED TILL THERE WAS A CHICK AROUND
TO MAKE THAT XBOX JOKE, YOU KNOW?
HE KNOWS.
J.D.: I WAS EXCITED FOR TURK, AND GOD BLESS HIM,
HE WAS EXCITED ABOUT MY BIG HAIR NEWS.
NEW WAX DID THAT?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
NEW WAX DID THAT?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
WOW.
OH, SORRY ABOUT THE GIRL TALK.
OH, THAT'S FINE. WE WERE TALKING MAN TALK.
SOLOFLEX.
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE LATELY?
YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE ELLIOT'S.
WELL, YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE CHIMICHANGAS.
IS THAT RACIST?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
DID YOU HAVE CHIMICHANGAS FOR BREAKFAST?
MAYBE.
J.D.: I THINK WHAT CARLA REALLY SMELLED
WAS ALL THE EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR.
SEE, THERE'S A VISITING PROFESSOR COMING TODAY
WHO'S BOTH A MEDICAL ATTENDING AND A SURGEON.
2 SPECIALITIES.
AND TO US, THAT KIND OF MAKES HIM...
SUPERDOC.
[MUMBLES]
SUPERDOC.
AHH, DAMN.
FINE, A SUPERDOC
WITH OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.
OK, OK, HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR ME TO STEP IN HERE LEFT FOOT FIRST
AND SIMULTANEOUSLY EXHALE AS MY RIGHT FOOT PLANTS?
HOW HARD?
NOT THAT HARD?
EXACTLY...
SHAVED HEAD GUY.
[SNIFFS] WHOSE HAIR SMELLS LIKE LILACS?
HERS AND HIS.
THAT'S VERY PRETTY...
AND DEEPLY DISTURBING.
THE JAR SAID "UNISEX."
I KNOW.
UNISEX.
I KNOW.
♪ I CAN'T DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN ♪
♪ NO, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'M NO SUPERMAN ♪
♪ I'M NO SUPERMAN ♪
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
YOU KNOW, AT MY HOSPITAL, THEY DON'T MAKE YOU SIGN FORMS
IF YOU WANT TO CUT OPEN SICK PEOPLE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN KNIFEY THINGY.
SCALPEL.
THAT'S THE WORD! DR. KEVIN CASEY.
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING YOUR NAME?
OH, IT JUST KEEPS ME FROM LOSING MY JINKIES LATER,
THINKING I FORGOT SOMETHING.
OK. HA HA.
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
IT'S OK, YOU CAN SAY IT.
[WHISPERS] It's just that you're a doctor
with pretty severe O.C.D.
IT'S NOT A SECRET.
I know. I always talk like this.
GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME KEEPING THAT UP FOR THE WHOLE MONTH I'M HERE.
I can do it.
I believe in you.
KEVIN CASEY?
HOLY COW. GET OUT OF DODGE.
TELL ME THIS,
ARE YOU SHAKING HANDS NOWADAYS?
WELL, A LIFETIME OF THERAPY
AND A WHOLE LOT OF ZOLOFT
JUST SO I CAN APPROPRIATELY GREET YOU, BIG GUY.
ATTABOY.
I DO HAVE A 2-SECOND LIMIT.
BOY, WHO DOESN'T?
YOU REALIZE I HAVEN'T LAID EYES ON YOU
SINCE WE WERE RESIDENTS TOGETHER?
I'LL TELL YOU THIS, BIG KEV-O,
I ALWAYS KNEW I'D SEE YOU AGAIN.
HA HA!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THAT GUY AGAIN.
I MEAN, HE HAD TO DROP OUT OF A RESIDENCY CLASS
BECAUSE OF THE GOD-AWFUL SEVERITY OF HIS CONDITION.
I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU AS A RESIDENT.
COXIE.
SHUT UP, ***.
I ROCK!
WAS THE BLONDE HAIR AND THE EARRING
'CAUSE YOU WERE IN A ROCK BAND
OR 'CAUSE YOU LOVED PIRATES?
WHAT?!
[THINKING] LOVED PIRATES JUST LIKE ME.
I DON'T WANT A PIECE.
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE, OK?
DR. ***, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT
FOR A BEER TONIGHT.
I WANT TO HEAR ALL THE STORIES
ABOUT WHAT MY MENTOR WAS LIKE AS A NEWBIE.
LOOK, PINK, FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME,
NO, I WILL NOT GO OUT FOR A BEER WITH YOU.
NOW REPEAT AFTER ME.
DR. ***, YOU ARE NOT NOW,
NOR WILL YOU EVER BE MY MENTOR.
DR. ***, YOU ARE NOT NOW,
NOR WILL YOU EVER BE MY MENTOR.
YES!
[SHOUTING]
THAT OUGHT TO KEEP THOSE DAMN CROWS
FROM CRAPPING ON MY CAR ALL THE TIME.
I DOUBT THEY'LL BE BACK, SIR.
YOU KNOW, UNLESS SOMEONE WHO COMES UP HERE EVERY DAY
TRYING TO FIND THE COURAGE TO JUMP
PASSES THE TIME BY THROWING BIRDSEED
ON YOUR CAR'S HOOD.
STOP BABBLING, TED. NO ONE'S EVER LISTENING.
OH, BY THE WAY, THE ITALIAN GENTLEMEN
THAT HAUL OUR MEDICAL WASTE AWAY CALLED
AND SAID IF WE DON'T STOP PUTTING OUR REGULAR TRASH
IN WITH THE MEDICAL LOADS,
THEY'RE GONNA CHARGE US DOUBLE.
MY NEW ASSOCIATE RANDALL AND I
CAN GET RID OF THAT GARBAGE FOR YOU.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?
WE COME UP HERE ON OUR BREAKS TO WRESTLE.
AND DRINK BEER.
ONLY THE WINNER DRINKS BEER.
[BURPS]
HOW MUCH TO MAKE THE GARBAGE GO AWAY?
SAY, 20 BUCKS A MONTH.
23 BUCKS A MONTH.
DEAL.
SIR, THOSE DARN BIRDS ARE BACK.
[SHOUTING]
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
J.D.: I HAVE TO SAY IT WAS AMAZING
WATCHING DR. CASEY WORK.
OK, CAROL, LET'S JUST PUT IT OUT THERE.
YOU'VE GOT LUPUS.
BUT INSTEAD OF DWELLING ON THE NEGATIVE,
LET'S LOOK AT THE POSITIVE SIGNS, OK?
YOUR PERICARDITIS IS RESOLVING.
YOUR RENAL FUNCTION IS GOOD.
[DR. KELSO SHOUTS]
AAH!
SUICIDAL SCAVENGER BIRDS--
ALSO AN EXCELLENT SIGN, RIGHT, DOCTOR?
IT'S A GREAT SIGN.
OKEY-DOKEY, ARTICHOKEY.
YOU ARE UNFLAPPABLE.
IT'S TRUE. I CAN'T BE FLAPPED.
I'M MORE SKITTISH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE A BIG SQUIRREL.
I WISH I WAS A SWASHBUCKLING DOCTOR.
YOU KNOW, LIKE A PIRATE.
[THINKING] ENOUGH ABOUT PIRATES.
WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW HIM BETTER.
AHOY THERE.
YOU GOING TO THE O. ARRGH?
[THINKING] I SAID ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED IN MEDICINE
IF I DIDN'T EMBRACE MY O.C.D,
AND SINCE I WAS COMPULSIVE ANYWAY,
YOU KNOW, I READ THE SAME TEXTBOOKS OVER AND OVER.
I WENT THROUGH THE PROCEDURES OVER AND OVER.
I IMAGINED EVERY WORST-CASE SCENARIO
OVER AND OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AND OVER...
DR. CASEY.
AND OVER AND OVER...
KEVIN CASEY, THANK YOU.
EVEN THOUGH MY CRAZY BRAIN MADE ME DO THOSE THINGS,
IT'S STILL THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE TO ANY YOUNG DOCTOR.
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED,
AND YOU WILL NEVER BE SURPRISED.
J.D.: IT'S WEIRD. AFTER ONE DAY, IT ALREADY FELT
LIKE HE WAS THE TYPE OF MENTOR
I ALWAYS WISHED DR. *** WOULD BE.
STILL, I'VE GOT TO STAY COOL.
I KNOW I'M PRONE TO HERO WORSHIP.
MAN, THE SURGEON IN ME IS ANTSY.
I NEED TO CUT SOMEBODY UP.
THANKS FOR VOLUNTEERING.
I'M NOT REALLY THAT STRONG ON THE BRAIN.
I THINK THIS IS THE LANGUAGE CENTER.
REALLY? 'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL--
AAH!
[SLURRING] HOW COOL IS THAT?
AND THIS IS THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE CENTER.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
THE COW SAYS...
MOO!
THE SHEEP SAYS...
BAA!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MACAULAY CULKIN.
THE FRENCH WOULD HELP WITH THE LADIES.
DR. WEN,
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
WAS MY TIME ON THE LAP-COLI
EVEN FASTER THAN YOURS?
YES, IT WAS.
BECAUSE SOME OF THE GUYS WERE SAYING
I TOTALLY KICKED YOUR ***,
AND I WANTED THEM TO SHUT UP,
YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T TRUE.
BUT SINCE IT IS, I'LL JUST LET IT GO.
HA HA HA!
WHAT?
IF THERE IS ONE THING I'VE LEARNED AT THIS HOSPITAL,
IT'S THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER ANTAGONIZE YOUR BOSS
OR THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE FOOD,
BECAUSE EITHER WAY YOU END UP EATING POO.
HEAR IT, LEARN IT, LIVE IT, HUH?
ELLIOT, I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT
BECAUSE THESE ARE MAGIC. YEAH.
THESE ARE GONNA TAKE ME
WHEREVER I WANT TO GO IN LIFE.
THANKS TO THESE,
I'M KING OF THE WORLD, BABY! CAN YOU FEEL IT?!
GIVE ME YOUR PUDDING!
DOMO ARIGATO.
PAY UP.
ALREADY?
YOU CAN LOOK AROUND ALL YOU WANT,
YOU WON'T FIND ANY GARBAGE.
LET'S SEE THEM 23 SQUIDS.
IT'S ALL HERE.
COME ON,
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH ALL THE GARBAGE?
[WHISPERS] That's not part of the deal.
RANDALL, YOU, ME. ON THE ROOF.
WINNER TAKES ALL.
YOU NEVER LEARN, DO YOU?
JAM ON.
YOU KNOW, CARLA, I GOT TO SAY YOUR MAKEUP TODAY
DOES NOT IN ANY WAY MAKE YOU LOOK
LIKE A DESPERATE BOWLING ALLEY ***.
WHAT'S WITH THE SWEET TALK?
OH, MAYBE KEVIN BEING HERE IS MAKING ME REGRESS.
I MEAN, YOU REALIZE THAT BACK WHEN I WAS A RESIDENT
I WAS A KIND LAD.
YOU GET OUT.
I KNOW. BUT SOON ENOUGH, I ESTABLISHED MYSELF
AS THE BEST DAMN DOCTOR THAT EVER ROAMED AROUND THESE FILTHY HALLS,
WHICH IS A CURSE ACTUALLY,
BECAUSE NOW I'M EXPECTED TO MAKE EYE CONTACT
WITH EVERY INSULT TO MEDICINE THAT COMES INTO THIS DUMP.
HERE'S THAT C.T. SCAN YOU ORDERED.
THANK YOU.
[THINKING] EYE CONTACT. HE RESPECTS ME.
WHAT THE HELL? HE'S ANEMIC AND HE HAS BONE FRACTURES,
YET THERE'S NO SIGN OF LEUKEMIA.
DON'T TELL ME THE GREAT ONE IS STUMPED.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS NOT EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING
THAT YOU STICK YOUR HEAD IN AND FIGURE OUT.
HE'S GOT GAUCHER'S DISEASE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF TESTING HIS BLOOD
FOR DEFICIENCY OF BETA GLUCOCIDASE ACTIVITY.
OH, I JUST SENT OUT FOR ONE OF THOSE.
HA HA.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT
IF YOU HADN'T DONE THE GRUNT WORK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A JAR OF PICKLES.
YOU LOOSENED THE LID AND POP!
I TOOK IT OFF.
DR. KEVIN CASEY.
SEE YA.
J.D.: LUCKILY FOR KEVIN,
HE WAS GETTING THE CHANCE TO MEET EVERYONE AROUND HERE.
SEE, THE REASON THE XBOX JOKE SHOULD WORK
IS THAT "XBOX" IS LIKE THE PERFECT WORD
FOR A GIRL'S PARTY ZONE.
UH..."THE TODD" IS IT?
OH, YEAH.
CAN YOU GO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL FOR ME?
TO WHO?
TO ANYONE.
[CLICKING SOUND]
MAKING A PHONE CALL.
HEY, DR. CASEY,
DO YOU MIND IF I SCRUB IN ON THE LAP-COLI
YOU'RE DOING THIS AFTERNOON?
OK, I'LL SEE YOU AT 4:00.
COOL TRICK.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
IT'S GREAT FOR DEXTERITY, CONCENTRATION,
AND CONVINCING SINGLE WOMEN YOU'RE A POWER DORK.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU IN ACTION, SIR.
IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE THE BIG DOG
SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE. HEH.
I BELIEVE THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "HOLY CRAP."
HOLY CRAP!
I'M SORRY, J.D.
I JUST DON'T THINK PIRATES ARE COOL.
WELL THEN, YOU'RE NOT COOL, DOUG.
J.D., DO YOU WANT TO GET A BEER TONIGHT?
DO CHICKENS WISH THEY COULD FLY?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
I LIKE TO THINK THEY DO.
SO DO I.
OK, CLASS, WE HAVE A GUEST WITH US
AT ROUNDS TODAY.
HE HAPPENS TO BE AN OLD FRIEND OF YOURS TRULY,
SO LET'S ALL GO OUT OF OUR WAY
TO TREAT HIM WITH THE RESPECT
HE DESERVES, MMM-KAY?
HEY, GANG, MY NAME IS--
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT WE'D CHANGE THINGS UP
A LITTLE BIT TODAY.
INSTEAD OF ME FIRING QUESTIONS AT YOU,
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU ALL SCURRY AWAY
AND GET YOUR TEXTBOOKS,
AND WHEN YOU GET BACK,
YOU ACTUALLY GET TO QUIZ US.
LITTLE HARMLESS COMPETITION,
IF MY COLLEAGUE HERE WILL CONSENT TO IT.
[YAWNS]
I'M SORRY, ARE YOU DONE WITH THE SPEECHIFYING?
I'M KIDDING, YOU FRIGHTENING ***.
HA HA!
OK, BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY.
YOU OLD BUDDY, FUNNY BUDDY, FUNNY BUDDY.
GO GET YOUR BOOKS!
TRY NOT TO TOUCH ME AS MUCH.
FAIR ENOUGH.
NOW LOOK, SECURITY SAID YOUR VAN
HASN'T LEFT THE PREMISES.
SO I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE ALL THE TRASH IS GOING.
AWAY.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE SAME THING
I TOLD THE GROCER WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO BRING THE DELI SPREAD
TO HANK WEINBERG'S POKER NIGHT:
THIS BETTER BE KOSHER.
OTHERWISE, IT'S NOT JUST TED
WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR IT.
IF PEOPLE KEEP PUSHING ME
FOR NO REASON,
I SWEAR I WILL HURL MYSELF
OFF THIS BUILDING.
I'M NOT CLEANING YOU UP.
ARM.
MARK MY WORDS!
IF ONE MORE PERSON
IS MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON,
I'LL DO IT!
SHUT UP, BOZO.
ONE MORE PERSON.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE RULES.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
ONE OF YOU MINIONS SPIT OUT
ANOTHER QUESTION, WILL YOU?
YO, NERVOUS GUY,
NOW I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES
YOUR LITTLE PREPUBESCENT VOICE CRACKS,
HIT ME, BABY.
[VOICE CRACKS] OK.
WHAT IS THE DEMYELINATING C.N.S. DISORDER
ASSOCIATED WITH THE J.C. VIRUS?
[YAWNS]
PROGRESSIVE MULTIFOCAL LEUKOENCEPHALOPATHY.
SNORE.
BACK TO YOU THERE, HALF PINT.
SHORT JOKES ARE A SIGN OF DESPERATION, MY FRIEND.
AMEN, BROTHER.
Elliot: UH, UM, UM,
UH, ME.
YES, BLONDE GIRL,
YOU HAVE YET ANOTHER QUESTION?
HA! UM, WHAT IS THE PATHOLOGIC ABNORMALITY
CAUSING BERNARD-SOLIER DISEASE?
ABSENCE OF VONWILLIBRAND RECEPTOR.
LISTEN, I HATE TO BE CHILDISH ABOUT THIS,
BUT I HAVE TO MAKE,
AND FOR ME, THAT INVOLVES DRIVING HOME
AND SCRUBBING THE TOILET SEAT SEVERAL TIMES
WITH INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH CLEANSER.
SO IF WE COULD JUST CALL THIS A TIE...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
TIES ARE FOR SISSIES,
SPEAKING OF WHICH, NEWBIE,
YOU HAVE BEEN UNCHARACTERISTICALLY QUIET.
J.D.: I DON'T KNOW WHY IT POPPED INTO MY HEAD...
YOU REALLY HAD TROUBLE WITH METABOLIC DISEASES?
NO. I'M A GOOD DOCTOR.
BUT I KNEW I HAD HIM.
MY QUESTION IS CONCERNING METABOLIC DISEASES.
OH, YES.
WHAT IS THE INBORN ERROR OF METABOLISM
CHARACTERIZED BY ANGIO KERATOMAS...
PLEASE?
OK, FIRST, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD--
WE SHOULD GO OVER THE RULES,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, IF, BY SOME FREAK OF NATURE,
I'M NOT ABLE TO ANSWER A QUESTION,
THEN OLD KEV-KEV HERE
CANNOT BE DECLARED THE WINNER
UNLESS HE CAN PROVIDE THE ANSWER FOR SAID QUESTION.
OTHERWISE, WE'RE JUST GOING--
FABRY'S DISEASE, PAGE 2,098
OF HARRISON'S GUIDE TO INTERNAL MEDICINE.
IT'S A FUN GAME, BUT I--
I'LL BE BACK IN 48 MINUTES.
J.S.: IT'S FUNNY HOW ONE PERSON
CAN SHAKE ANOTHER'S FOUNDATION TO THE CORE.
HALF THE TIME, THE GUY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HE DID IT.
WATCHING DR. CASEY'S PROCEDURE AGAIN?
HE'S SO FAST.
YEAH.
HE'S OUT OF OUR LEAGUE.
J.D.: FUNNIER STILL HOW THE SAME GUY
COULD BE THE MENTOR I'VE ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR.
NICE PLACE.
IT'S GOT THAT GREAT VOMIT AND PEANUT SMELL.
YEAH. REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND.
SHE WAS A CARNEY.
YOU KNOW, I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO GET ***
TO COME OUT AND GET A BEER WITH ME. HE NEVER DOES.
YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO CARRIES AROUND PICTURES
OF HIM AND HIS ATTENDING, ARE YOU?
AH, PERFECT.
I DON'T CARRY ANYTHING AROUND.
GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THOSE LOSERS
WHO'VE BEEN PRACTICING MEDICINE FOR 3 YEARS
BUT ARE STILL LOOKING
FOR SOME KIND OF MENTOR TO PAT THEM ON THE BACK--
THEY'RE JUST PATHETIC, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
TOTALLY.
J.D.: YUP.
IT'S FUNNY WHAT ONE PERSON CAN DO.
AW, OK. I NEED ANOTHER BEER.
J.D.: NONE OF US SLEPT LAST NIGHT.
HOW I KNOW THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
WHAT DOES MATTER IS I THINK WE'VE FORMED
A SPECIAL BOND BECAUSE OF IT.
STOP LOOKING AT ME OR DIE.
WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT THE GUY WHO CAUSED IT
THINKS WE'RE HIS BEST FRIENDS.
MORNING, FELLAS.
[LUKEWARM GREETINGS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL 6 OF YOUR BUTT CHEEKS
JUST TIGHTENED UP.
SOMEONE AROUND HERE *** YOU GUYS OFF?
'CAUSE I WILL GIVE THEM SOME ATTITUDE.
UH, THAT GUY.
HEY, HAIR CLUB.
THAT SUIT--THAT COME WITH THE FLOP SWEAT?
YOU CAN DO THIS, THEODORE.
TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED.
OK.
HERE WE GO, BABY.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY THIS GUY BOTHERS HIM SO MUCH.
CARLA, PERRY IS A DYSFUNCTIONAL, UNSUCCESSFUL,
EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED OLD MAN.
NONE TAKEN.
BEING THE BEST DOCTOR HERE
IS THE ONLY THING HE HAD TO HANG HIS HAT ON.
LISTEN, JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER,
DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN YOU KNOW ME,
MMM-KAY, PRINCESS? WATCH AND LEARN.
SAY, KEV-KEV,
WOULD YOU LOVE TO COME AND JOIN US?
OH, THANKS.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE OATMEAL TODAY?
TOO MUCH MILK.
NO.
[SNIFFS]
NOT ENOUGH BUTTER.
THAT'S IT.
DID YOU JUST DIAGNOSE THE OATMEAL?
YOU CAN'T JUST GO-- [SNIFF]
AND DIAGNOSE THE OATMEAL.
HE JUST DID.
KEVIN, ARE YOU SINGLE?
YEAH. WHY? ARE YOU?
I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
JUST--
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
OK, I'VE REMOVED THE GALLBLADDER,
SEALED THE VESSELS, AND...TIME.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU CAN'T EVEN BEAT DR. KEVIN CASEY'S LAP-COLI TIME
WHEN YOU'RE IMAGINING IT.
SO?
I COULD BE JUST AS FAST IF I WAS LIKE HIM
AND PRACTICED OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON A SIMULATOR.
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T.
YEAH, WELL, I COULD SPEND MY SPARE TIME
DOING STUPID HAND EXERCISES.
I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T.
YOU DON'T.
DON'T.
COULD YOU ENJOY THIS ANY LESS?
BECAUSE OF THESE...
I DON'T THINK I CAN.
IN, GALLBLADDER, OUT, DONE.
4 SECONDS. A NEW RECORD.
WORLD RECORD!
LOOK, I DID MY PSYCH ROTATION, OK?
I KNOW MY FATHER ABANDONING US
AND ONLY SHOWING UP IN MY LIFE
WHEN HE NEEDS A PLACE TO SLEEP
OR A FREE PROSTRATE EXAM
IS PROBABLY GONNA BE AN ISSUE.
I GET IT.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I'M LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.
I JUST WANT A LITTLE VALIDATION.
IT'S LIKE WHEN KELSO GAVE YOU A CUPCAKE
'CAUSE YOU WENT 4 DAYS WITHOUT KILLING A PATIENT.
THAT WAS AWESOME.
YOU KNOW.
J.D.: I'VE ALWAYS FELT LIKE DOUG UNDERSTOOD ME.
IT'S WEIRD. AFTER KNOWING HIM FOR 3 YEARS,
I SUDDENLY REALIZED HE WAS THE TYPE OF MENTOR
I ALWAYS WISHED DR. *** WOULD BE.
WAIT.
DOUG, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
OK.
I THINK WHEN RATIONAL MEN
ARE FORCED TO FACE THEIR SHORTCOMINGS,
THEY ALL DO THE SAME THING...
BLAME KEVIN CASEY.
WHO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ME?
'CAUSE I SURE DIDN'T.
I'LL GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND,
SEE HOW HE LIKES IT.
UNFORTUNATELY,
NO ONE KNEW WHERE THE SON OF A *** WAS.
DR. DORIAN,
I'M FAR TOO IRRITABLE RIGHT NOW
TO PRETEND I DON'T HATE YOU,
SO LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE.
IF YOU KNOW WHERE ALL THE GARBAGE
IN THIS HOSPITAL IS GOING,
I'LL GIVE YOU
$8.00.
SORRY, SIR.
HUH?
WHAT?
THE CROWS ARE BACK.
THEY'RE MAKING YOUR PITMOBILE LOOK LIKE SPIN ART.
DAMN IT!
IT'S JUST ONE STEP.
COME ON ALREADY.
AW, WHO AM I KIDDING?
HEY, YOU!
UHH! UHH!
YOU DID IT, TEDDY!
IT'S OVER!
HERE COMES SWEET RELIEF!
IS THIS HEAVEN?
IT'S GARBAGE.
WAY TO COST US A CHERRY GIG, BRAH.
WHA--
I WANT MY MONEY BACK,
AND, TED,
SHOWER AND GET BACK TO WORK!
IF YOU TRY THAT AROUND THE CORNER,
YOU CAN LAND RIGHT ON THE STREET.
[THINKING] FOUND HIM.
BRACE YOURSELF, MISTER.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET AN EARFUL,
J.D. STYLE.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, HEY.
UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE, WILL YOU?
NO, KEVIN, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
DAMN IT!
LATER'S COOL, TOO.
I'M SORRY. I JUST--
I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW DAYS MEETING NEW PEOPLE
AND TRYING TO GET USED TO THIS PLACE,
AND I'M STRESSED AND I'M FRIED,
AND I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
BUT HERE'S THE PUNCH LINE.
EVEN THOUGH MY LAST SURGERY WAS 2 HOURS AGO,
I CAN'T STOP WASHING MY DAMN HANDS.
AHH!
[SIGHS]
I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
LOOK...
THIS IS A WEAK MOMENT.
NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS.
AND MARK MY WORDS, I'LL CLEAN UP THE SOAP,
PROBABLY SEVERAL THOUSAND TIMES.
EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR OWN BURDENS, J.D.,
AND I'M NOT GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
THAT DUMPS MINE ON SOMEBODY ELSE.
NOW WHAT DO YOU NEED?
NOTHING.
[WASHES HANDS]
J.D.: NONE OF US NEEDED ANYTHING.
I THINK OWNING YOUR BURDENS IS HALF THE BATTLE.
TURK KNOWS THAT HE'LL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO DECIDE
WHAT HIS PRIORITIES REALLY ARE...
BABY, COME TO BED.
AND DR. *** KNOWS HE HAS TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE
TO HANG HIS HAT ON.
YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE GOING TO BE
THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER IN THE WORLD,
WHICH WILL MAKE ME
THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER IN THE WORLD'S FATHER.
[IMITATES CHEERING CROWD]
CAN'T YOU HEAR IT, JACK?
CAN'T YOU HEAR IT?
STILL, IT'S NOT THAT DAUNTING IF YOU LOOK AROUND
AND SEE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
GOOD NIGHT, DR. CASEY.
GOOD NIGHT, J.D.
[SIGHS]