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hello well as the mc just said my name's joseph.
and to night for you all I ll be doing an authentic live amateur comedy act.
I hope you enoy
first of tonight I wana talk to you guys about superman
you know its a grwat name. it says it all. he's super, he's not actually a man thought,
but- kryuptonian, whatever. personal I get intimidated byu this guy, I
mean, he's the most powerful being-person on earth. if he wanted to he could just take
over the world if he wanted to and you know, the only reason he hasn't is
because of thw works of great men such as lex luthor. God bless LL.
and I knpw there are probably still some skeptic. those of you who are thinking, what's this
guy talking bout, he's nuts. whell, you know superman's nickname- man of
steel? you say that in Russian- you get stalin.
think I've made my point there
next off I want to talk my feelings out about the tacos they sell at Jack-in the Box.
I've never had them. I don't know how many of you've had them. quite a few of you.
well, I've never had em. I saw a picture once in a coupon. I had to just stare at that for
a moment. I see a square slice of- what is it? kraft cheese on the top f the taco. what
where they thinking? you don't put a slice of cheese in a taco. you don't put sandwich
cheese in a taco. I mean that's not even real cheese. that's artificial stuff. you don't
put that stuff in a taco. that's desecrating Mexican food. its not rreal. that fake Mexican
food. in California of all places. why would you have fake Mexican food in California,
we're onl fifty miles from the border. you got to be really bad to mess up that.sorry.
while we're on jack in the box, I like jack in the box commercials.jack is
this... humanoid being with this- large head. and... I don't know what planet he comes from.
so he's married to this tall attractive blonde woman. I'm not sure how that happened, well,
anyway they're married, and they've got a little boy, and, uh, lets juct say that he's
inherited his father's looks. i feel really sorry for rich people.
im glad im not cause if I was rich id always have to dress in a tux.
and face it, I might ook sharp, but that collar is killer.
nother thing about rich people, I mean sure they get thebest cars that look so awesome
and they drive like a dream, but do they have any fun with them? no caue they always have
to have their schuaffer drive them around. the schuaffer gets all the fun! driving red
lights and all that. and the worst part is that rich people, all
they can eat is just rich people food, that means they can't eatpizza, no ice crème,
no pop tarts. they just have all the timeall they can eat
is just escargot and caviar. and that's horrible- that's snails and fiish eggs. who would like
to eat that? not me. [jack in the box] yeah jack in the ox would
be better than snails. alright, now I want all you to use your imaginationsand
think back, back along time ago, back when we were al around this height. back when we
were all in, say, third grade.. and we all had to learn our states and capitls. so you
look in thw back of your hictory books, and ou see a map of the u.s. and in the southwest
corner, right below California, you got Alaska and Hawaii chillin in the nice tropical pacific
ocean. now sure we all understand that is all "inaccurate",
but back then, those kids... sure maybe some of them understood that wasn;t right, but
I think a lot of them were thought that was really how the contry looked like. they're
getting misconceived here. if you cant even get the map of your own country
right, how is America educating it's children? not well I imagin.
im 16 so ive been learning my drivers ed.and there was this ine section I thought was rather
bizarre. it was about bycicle safety and aws and regulations. in the state of CA, its illegal
to ride your bycicle over the speed limit.its also illegal for you to be riding your bycicle
under the influence of drugs or alchohol. the best part was their whole segment on " what
to do if a dog is chasing your bycicle. apparently dogs are attracted to the sound
of running wheels. step one read, just ignore the dog. step 2
was, if that doesn't work, yell at the dog- command it to stop, go away. ands then step
3 was, if all else fails, get off your bycicle, hold it between you and the dog, call for
help. call for assistance. call for the dog whisperer. or St. francis. ok last one for
tonignt. there's this old peanuts comic I read the other day. well I don't have a picture
with me to show you so ill just describe it best I can. you can use your imaginations
again. so its one where you've got lucy leaning over
on shrouder's toy piano. shroders playing some betooven.
and so lucy looks at Schroder , sighs romanticly and says,
"Schroder, do you think a pretty girl is like a melody?" and then Schroder looks up at lucy
and says, "I dunno. I never met one."
thank you guys, you've been a great audience! thank you. thank you!