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♪ NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLES I FEELS ♪
♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪
OKAY, LADY, THERE YOU ARE.
OKAY, I CAN SEE YOU, GAL.
I CAN SEE YOU 'CAUSE YOU'RE BREATHING UP AND DOWN,
SO "I'M INVISIBLE" ISN'T GONNA WORK RIGHT NOW.
YOU NEED TO GO AWAY. I DON'T NEED YOU TODAY.
NO, LADY. NO, YOU DO. EDDIE CALLED ME.
I JUST AM TIRED. JUST GO HOME.
I DON'T NEED HAIR AND MAKEUP.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT, LADY, YOU CAN'T STAY IN BED
'CAUSE YOU DID THAT YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE.
BECAUSE I'M SO TIRED.
I KNOW. YOU'RE NOT TIRED, LADY, YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
I'M NOT DEPRESSED. I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
YES, YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
I REALLY THINK YOU'RE DEPRESSED, GAL.
I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT DEPRESSED.
IF I WAS DEPRESSED, I WOULD BE SITTING HERE, EATING.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. OH, OH.
WELL, WHAT'S THIS?
MY CAT.
OKAY, YEAH.
IS YOUR CAT CREAM-FILLED?
OH, JESUS.
I'M TIRED.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF, GO UP TO YOUR CABIN IN OREGON.
YOU LOVE YOUR CABIN, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T JUST STAY HERE AND LIE AROUND IN BED, EATING ALL DAY.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
I TAKE MY SPECIAL MEN TO MY CABIN.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE IT, IS TO TAKE MY SPECIAL GUY,
AND I DON'T HAVE A SPECIAL GUY!
I KNOW.
I MISS KID. I MISS KID.
I WANT MY KID.
KID ROCK IS NOT GONNA CALL.
OH, GOD, YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN.
I'M JUST BEING A REALIST, YOU KNOW?
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A GREAT GUY OUT THERE ISN'T GONNA CALL.
IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF YOU --
I DON'T WANT A GREAT GUY. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY BUT KID.
I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT ON HIM.
I'M NOT A CHEATER LIKE YOU, EDDIE.
YOU KNOW, I GOT A GREAT PLAN, THOUGH.
MAYBE KID -- MAYBE KID COULD USE A LITTLE COMPETITION, HUH?
HUH? WHAT ABOUT THAT?
AND MAYBE WE COULD FIND A REALLY, REALLY NICE GUY
THAT COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO ANYONE
THAT COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEBODY GREAT,
ANOTHER GREAT GUY.
LIKE KID?
YEAH, LIKE KID.
YEAH, OR, LIKE, A GUY THAT DOESN'T ONLY DATE
SKINNY, HOT-AS-*** BLOND CHICKS WITH HUGE ***.
OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE SO MEAN!
SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
THAT'S WHAT HE DATES.
THE POINT IS IS THAT WE WANT TO FIND A GUY
THAT KIRSTIE IS INTERESTED IN, RIGHT?
OR FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN INTRODUCE HER
TO A NICE GUY, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO DO, KIRST?
WE NEED TO FIND A RICH GUY
WHO KNOWS A LOT OF OTHER GUYS TO INTRODUCE YOU TO, HUH?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ALL OF THIS.
MAYBE MERV GRIFFIN.
MERV GRIFFIN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I DO KNOW MERV.
YEAH.
[ HYPERVENTILATING ] IF YOU CALL MERV,
IT WOULD BE GOOD BECAUSE HE WOULD UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH WITH KID.
CALL MERV AND GET HIM TO INTRODUCE HER TO A RICH GUY.
WHAT IS MERV'S NUMBER? DO YOU HAVE MERV'S NUMBER?
EDDIE, I AM NOT MY ASSISTANT.
YOU HAVE THE ROLODEX!
FETCH IT.
DON'T SAY "FETCH" TO ME. I DON'T "FETCH."
JUST *** FETCH THE NUMBER.
I'M NOT A FETCHER.
OH, MY GOD, I FEEL LIKE WE LIVE IN A NUTHOUSE!
Hi, is this Merv Griffin?
WHO IS THIS? THEY SAID KIRSTIE ALLEY CALLING.
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS EDDIE, KIRSTIE'S ASSISTANT.
I SHOULDN'T SAY "ASSISTANT."
I'M ACTUALLY AN ACTOR WHO ASSISTS KIRSTIE.
I'M KIND OF BETWEEN FILMS RIGHT NOW.
Not that I'm calling you about work or anything.
OF COURSE, IF SOMETHING CAME UP, I'D DEFINITELY BE AVAILABLE.
THAT'S KIND OF WHY I TOOK THE JOB.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Eddie Falcone, actually. Like the bird with an "e."
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, EDDIE BIRD,
let me give you a tip about show business.
OH, GREAT, I'M ALL EARS.
Are you writing this down?
THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON GETS ON THE PHONE LAST.
GOT IT. I GOT IT.
AND THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SHOW.
"ABOUT THE SHOW."
THAT'S WHY IT'S SO EXCITING TO TALK TO SOMEBODY LIKE YOU,
LIKE A LEGEND WHO KNOWS THESE THINGS.
I WILL GET HER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
I READ THAT YOU -- ARE YOU FROM CONNECTICUT?
'cause my aunt lives in Darien.
HI, I HAVE A GENTLEMAN
BY THE NAME OF MERV GRIFFIN ON THE PHONE.
GIVE IT, GIVE IT.
♪ MERV IT UP, MERV IT UP, MERV IT UP, MERV IT UP ♪
HI, MERV GRIFFIN.
OH, THAT'S THE VOICE I WANT TO HEAR.
HI, KIRSTIE.
IT'S ME. HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU?
WELL, I'VE BEEN BETTER, MERV.
I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU?
I'M DOING VERY GOOD, THANKS.
NOW, ARE YOU -- WHAT SHAPE ARE YOU IN?
ARE YOU STILL...PLUMP?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THE TABLOIDS?
Tabloids? I don't read those.
I'VE LOST WEIGHT.
I haven't lost an ounce.
MY DIET DOCTORS DIED.
REALLY? HOW'S THAT?
DR. ATKINS DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK.
DR. TARNOWER -- THE SCARSDALE DIET --
HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME HOME AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD.
Oh, it gets worse.
DR. STILLMAN -- REMEMBER THE STILLMAN WATER DIET?
HE DROWNED.
OOH.
♪ SO, I'M EATING WHATEVER I WANT, TRA-LA ♪
OH, GOD, SO AM I, MERV.
I MEAN, COME ON. LET ME BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I'M *** UP.
I JUST NEED SOME KIND OF A MOTIVATION.
THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU. I KNEW YOU COULD HELP ME.
DO YOU KNOW -- DO YOU KNOW A GUY NAMED KID ROCK?
I KNOW WHO HE IS, CERTAINLY,
but I don't think he's right for you.
Don't you need somebody more substantial
and settled down?
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
KIRSTIE, I'M HAVING A PARTY THURSDAY NIGHT IN PALM SPRINGS
FOR JUST SOME BILLIONAIRE FRIENDS.
THEY LIKE TO GET TOGETHER, YOU KNOW,
AND TALK ABOUT MONEY AND INVESTMENTS.
AND THERE'S A COUPLE GONNA BE THERE
THAT ARE WITHOUT SPOUSES.
OH, LISTEN, CAN YOU COME?
MERV, DO YOU REALLY WANT A DOWNER LIKE ME AT YOUR PARTY?
I think you should come to that party.
I think that would be great.
And bring some of your friends, if you want.
ALL RIGHT. COUNT ME IN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'LL SEE YOU THEN, MERV.
WELL, KIRSTIE, IT'LL BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU THERE.
BRING YOUR FRIENDS, AND SEE YOU THURSDAY NIGHT IN PALM SPRINGS.
THANK YOU.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT DID HE SAY?
WELL, PACK OUR BAGS
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO PALM SPRINGS
TO ATTEND MERV GRIFFIN'S BILLIONAIRES' PARTY.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
♪ FATTY, FATTY, TWO-BY-FOUR ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR ♪
♪ FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT ♪
♪ 50 BULLETS IN YOUR HAT ♪
ISN'T THAT MORE FUN THAN "HELLO"?
IT IS.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INVITING US.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A TIME.
I WANT A TIME.
OH, EXCUSE ME, I'M BEING A LITTLE BIT RUDE.
OH, LOOK, AREN'T THEY CUTE?
Both: THEY LOOK LIKE THE TOP OF A WEDDING CAKE.
A WEDDING CAKE.
HI.
THIS IS KEVYN, AND THIS IS EDDIE.
IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU. I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.
ARE YOU E--
NO, I'M KEVYN.
I'M EDDIE FALCONE. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
OH, YEAH, THE OUT-OF-WORK WAITER OR SOMETHING.
UM, ACTOR, AN ACTOR.
OH, AN ACTOR, RIGHT.
OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR.
YEAH, YEAH.
YES.
YOU'RE VERY DANCEABLE ALL OF A SUDDEN.
I AM?
♪ WE WON'T BE ALONE, YOU SEE ♪
♪ HEY, WE'RE AT A PARTY ♪
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME MEMORIES?
AM I?
REMEMBER ITALY?
OH, I REMEMBER ITALY.
SO DO I.
WAITER?
ARE YOU HAPPY?
I'M HAPPY, BUT I'M A LITTLE LONELY.
WHAT?
WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD A MAN FOR...A WHILE.
I-I-I MAY HAVE A SOLUTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I FEEL LIKE DANCING.
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MINGLE WITH THE BILLIONAIRES.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
[ LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY ]
HERE, TAKE THIS.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I HAD ONE TINY, LITTLE HORS D'OEUVRE?
THEY LOOK SO GOOD.
ARE YOU GOING TO THE BATHROOM?
NO, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE ONE LITTLE HORS D'OEUVRE.
HELLO. [GASPS] OOH! MY, MY.
OLSON. OLSON TWIN.
WONDERFUL PARTY.
JOHN, HOW GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GREAT TO SEE YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NOT BE COMING.
WE GOT A LITTLE NERVOUS THERE.
THESE ARE SOME NEW FRIENDS OF MINE.
THIS IS, UH, HEAVEN.
KEVYN.
AND FALCONIE.
EDDIE -- EDDIE FALCONE. HOW ARE YOU?
EDDIE -- JOHN McGUIRE.
JOHN, I HAVE A MAJOR SURPRISE FOR YOU.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
I WANT YOU TO MEET KIRSTIE ALLEY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
KIRSTIE -- JOHN McGUIRE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW ARE YOU? JOHN McGUIRE.
[ SMOOCHES ]
OOH, THANK YOU.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
[ PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY ]
DO I HEAR MUSIC, JOHN?
YES. THE ORCHESTRA'S PLAYING.
OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST IN MY HEAD.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE WITH ME?
You want me to dance with you?
YOU AND ONLY YOU.
I ACCEPT.
MERV?
THANK YOU.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
WHAT ABOUT KID NOW?
KID WHO?
DID YOU SEE IT? DID YOU SEE IT?
HE'S GREAT. SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S PERFECT.
I MEAN, HE'S WEALTHY, HE'S A WIDOWER.
WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK FOR?
[orchestra plays]
♪ ♪
FIVE MINUTES, AND THE BAGS WILL BE HERE.
GREAT.
I FEEL SO GOOD TODAY. I JUST FEEL SO ALIVE.
YEAH?
GOT A LITTLE [WHISTLES] LAST NIGHT, HUH?
THAT'S RIGHT.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT GUY
DIDN'T HAVE SEX FOR 11 YEARS?
11 YEARS?
THAT'S A LONG TIME TO NOT HAVE SEX.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS *** HIM.
HE LOST HIS WIFE. THAT'S A HARD THING.
HE'S GOT TWO CHILDREN.
THEY'RE GROWN NOW, BUT HE HAS TWO KIDS.
AS YOU KNOW, HE'S A BILLIONAIRE, AND HE THINKS I'M BEAUTIFUL.
HE THINKS -- HE --
OKAY, AFTER WE MADE LOVE LAST NIGHT...
HE WEPT.
I'D WEEP, TOO, IF I HADN'T HAD SEX IN 11 YEARS.
OKAY, SO, HE'S NOT CHEAP AND *** LIKE YOU.
IT MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM. IT WAS SENTIMEN-- THERE HE IS.
HI.
DON'T GET UP. GOOD MORNING.
WERE YOUR EARS BURNING? WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M TERRIFIC. HOW ARE YOU?
I'M JUST GREAT.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE THIS EARLY.
OH, DIDN'T I MENTION?
OH, NO, I WAS GONNA TAKE KEVYN AND EDDIE TO MY --
TO MY CABIN IN OREGON FOR JUST A LITTLE GETAWAY
'CAUSE THEY'VE DONE SUCH A GOOD JOB.
I LOVE OREGON.
YOU LOVE OREGON?
IT'S THE BEST THIS TIME OF YEAR.
ARE YOU -- I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO OVERSTEP MY BOUNDS,
BUT DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH US?
WOULD YOU HAVE TIME?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'VE GOT A TERRIFIC IDEA.
WHY DON'T I CALL THE OFFICE,
HAVE THEM FIRE UP THE GULFSTREAM.
THEY'LL HAVE IT READY FOR US IN THREE OR FOUR HOURS.
JOHN, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WE DON'T NEED TO TAKE A PRIVATE PLANE.
YES, WE DO.
SEE? LISTEN TO YOUR ASSISTANT.
YES, YOU DO. YOU'LL LOVE IT.
JOHN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
BUT I WANT TO DO IT. I SO WANT TO DO IT.
YOU'RE SO SWEET. THANK YOU.
[ SMOOCHES ]
EXCUSE US, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
OH, SURE.
EXCUSE US.
OH, SORRY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
I --
OH, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT LAST NIGHT
WAS ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL, MOST BEAUTIFUL,
MOST TOUCHING NIGHTS I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
OH, FOR ME, TOO, JOHN.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
IN RETURN TO EXPRESS --
UH --
TO EXPRESS MYSELF IN OTHER WAYS
TO TELL YOU HOW MARVELOUS LAST NIGHT WAS.
JOHN, THIS REALLY --
PLEASE.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO GIVE ME SOMETHING.
NECESSARY.
THIS IS A DIAMOND BRACELET, JOHN.
THIS SAYS "THANK YOU" IN DIAMONDS, JOHN.
YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO GIVE ME A DIAMOND BRACELET.
OH, MY GOD!
I'M WILLING TO GIVE YOU THAT AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.
JOHN, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, AND IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
YOU DO LOVE IT.
I DO, BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS. THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
JOHN, I WOULD NEVER BE WITH YOU
FOR SOMETHING YOU CAN GIVE ME.
PLEASE TAKE IT. YOU MUST TAKE IT.
IT'S FROM MY HEART.
OH, JOHN, DON'T CRY. DON'T, DON'T -- NO.
OF COURSE I WILL. THANK YOU.
ARE YOU *** KIDDING ME?
THAT IS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF THE POWER OF ***.
YOU SEE WHAT THAT DOES TO A MAN?
NO, MAYBE HE REALLY LOVES HER. MAYBE IT'S NOT ***, EDDIE.
WHAT DISNEY CHANNEL ARE YOU WATCHING?
MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
HEY.
WHO WANTS SOME OF MY WORLD-FAMOUS SCRATCH PANCAKES?
I DO!
COUNT ME IN.
FROM SCRATCH.
WOW, FROM SCRATCH.
SAUSAGE?
YEAH.
PATTY OR LINK?
LINK. LINK.
WELL, COME ON AND GET 'EM.
A BILLIONAIRE WHO COOKS?
WITH A BIG ***? COME ON.
I THINK I'M IN HEAVEN.
♪ TWO WERE SICK, AND THE OTHER 'MOST DEAD ♪
♪ SENT FOR THE DOCTOR, THE DOCTOR SAID ♪
♪ "FEED THOSE CHILDREN SHORTNIN' BREAD" ♪
♪ MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTNIN', SHORTNIN' ♪
♪ MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTNIN' BREAD ♪
♪ MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTNIN', SHORTNIN' ♪
♪ MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTNIN' BREAD ♪
♪ GOT THE MILK AND GOT THE EGGS ♪
♪ GOT THE BUTTER, GOT THE SALT ♪
♪ GOT THE FLOUR ♪
♪ NOW I NEED THE BAKING POWDER ♪
♪ HERE'S THE BAKING POWDER NOW ♪
HERE'S THE BAKING -- WHERE'S THE BAKING POWDER?
♪ I FORGOT TO GET YOU THAT ♪
Kirstie: ♪ HE FORGOT TO GET YOU THAT ♪
[ SOBS ]
♪ I FORGOT TO GET YOU THAT ♪
BUT I NEED THE BAKING POWDER.
I CAN'T MAKE THE -- I CAN'T.
I CAN'T MAKE IT. I CAN'T.
I NEED THE BAKING POWDER.
OTHERWISE, I CAN'T MAKE THE PANCAKES.
EDDIE, DO SOMETHING.
DO WE HAVE ANY?
I COULD ALWAYS GO DOWN TO THE COUNTRY STORE
AND GET YOU SOME BAKING POWDER.
[ Not crying ] THAT'D BE GREAT. COULD YOU DO THAT?
♪ YOU CAN GO DOWN TO THE STORE ♪
♪ AND GET ME BAKING POWDER ♪
I'LL GO, TOO. YEAH, I'LL GO, TOO.
YOU GUYS NEED SOME MORE HELP?
NO, NO, NO.
♪ I'VE GOT SOMETHING SOMETHING FOR YOU ♪
♪ I'VE GOT SOMETHING HERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ I HAVE SOMETHING HERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ TURN AROUND AND CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪
♪ HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS ♪
♪ HERE IT IS, NOW IT IS ♪
♪ HERE IT IS, AND THERE IT IS ♪
♪ AND THERE IT IS, DA, DA, DA ♪
JOHN, IS -- IS THAT THE HOPE DIAMOND?
YES, IT IS.
WORN BY ELIZABETH TAYLOR HERSELF.
ANOTHER LARGE AND LOVELY WOMAN.
OH, GOLLY.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY, MY, MY, MY!
MY, MY, MY!
[ SQUEALS ]
♪ HERE'S THE HOPE DIAMOND FOR YOU ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT ♪
♪ I CANNOT HAVE THE HOPE DIAMOND ON MY HAND ♪
I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS. I CAN'T.
JOHN, I CAN'T. NO, IT'S WAY TOO EXTRAVAGANT.
PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU MUST TAKE IT.
THIS IS LIKE A BAJILLION DOLLARS, AND IT'S WAY TOO SOON.
I MEAN, RICHARD GAVE IT TO ELIZABETH.
YOU GOT TO HAVE IT. I BOUGHT IT JUST FOR YOU.
PLEASE TAKE IT. [ SOBS ]
OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE IT.
OH, GREAT. [SIGHS] PUT IT ON, PUT IT ON, PUT IT ON.
THAT LOOKS SO GOOD.
OH, GOD.
OH, I JUST LOVE BEING OUT HERE IN THE CABIN WITH YOU,
WITH MY GREAT BIG, LARGE, LOVELY WOMAN.
[ SMOOCHES ]
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUTSIDE.
I CAN'T, EITHER.
AND FEEL THAT NATURE AND THAT FRESH AIR.
IT'S WHERE A MAN CAN FEEL LIKE A MAN.
[ GROWLS ]
[ GROWLS ]
[ THEME SONG OF "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW" PLAYS ]
I DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME OUTDOORS.
I THINK I'M GONNA START DOING IT MORE OFTEN.
HEY, YOU GUYS, WAIT UP. HOLD UP A SEC.
JOHN, WHERE ARE YOU?
John: I'M COMING.
I THINK I JUST SAW THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOLF BACK THERE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD --
OW! OW! OH, MY GOD!
OH, GOD, MY ANKLE IS BROKEN!
OH, JEEZ! IT'S BROKEN!
OKAY, LET'S GO EASY.
OH, PLEASE, DON'T LET THEM TAKE IT OFF.
STAND UP AND PUT SOME WEIGHT ON IT.
OH, I'M GONNA BE LAME! I'M GONNA BE LAME!
IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT BROKEN.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE LAME, JOHN.
IT'S NOT BROKEN.
LISTEN, IF YOU CAN PUT WEIGHT ON IT --
JOHN, IF IT'S NOT BROKEN, YOU CAN PUT WEIGHT ON IT.
WHAT?
JUST PUT SOME *** WEIGHT ON YOUR FOOT
SO WE CAN SEE IF IT'S BROKEN.
JESUS CHRIST. TRY IT.
[ SIGHS ]
YOU OKAY?
I'M FINE.
OH, IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S OKAY.
COME ON, LET'S DO SOME FISHING.
NO SORENESS? NO CREAKINESS OR ANYTHING?
COME ON, HONEY.
[ THEME SONG OF "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW" PLAYS ]
WHOA.
Kirstie: WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOHN?
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY HORSE.
WHAT IS IT, JOHN?
SOMETHING'S ALWAYS WRONG WITH MY HORSE.
[ SOBS ]
EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID,
MY MOM WOULD TAKE ME TO THE PARK,
AND I WOULD GET THE RED-EYED, CRAZY WHITE HORSE!
OKAY. HOLD ON, JOHN.
HERE, YOU CAN HAVE MY HORSE.
YOU WANT TO TAKE MY HORSE, MY SANE HORSE?
THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
OH, LOOK AT THAT VIEW.
OH, IT'S SO PRETTY.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
OH!
OH, GOD! OH! IT'S ANTS!
OH! OH!
OH, MY GOD, JOHN, JOHN, JOHN. IT'S OKAY.
OH, GOD!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THERE'S ANTS ALL OVER ME! OH, THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!
THEY'RE NOT GONNA KILL YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE MURDERING THEM!
YOU MURDERED -- OH, MY GOD!
HE MURDERED THEM!
OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN.
YEAH.
LOOK -- PINECONES.
[ THEME SONG FROM "THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW" PLAYS ]
YOU KNOW, THE THING IS THAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS A LOT
WHEN I WAS TAKING A BATH,
AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY.
JUST LET --
I'M LISTENING. I'M SORRY.
THIS IS WHAT I THINK HAS HAPPENED.
I THINK THAT HE'S TAKEN ALL THESE EMOTIONS
AFTER HIS WIFE PASSED ON,
AND I THINK HE'S JUST...
VROO! VROO!
...LIKE, PRESSED THEM DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
LIKE THIS, LIKE A PRESSURE COOKER.
AND THEN I THINK AT INAPPROPRIATE TIMES,
AND I DON'T THINK HE CAN REALLY HELP IT RIGHT NOW --
BOOM! -- THE LID FLIES OFF.
AND THAT'S WHY IT APPEARS --
WHEN THE LID FLIES OFF LIKE THAT,
THAT'S ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING HE'S ***' A CUCKOO BIRD.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
I DON'T AGREE.
I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I THINK HE'S A TOTAL WING NUT.
LISTEN TO ME. LOOK AT ME NOW.
I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
CUT YOUR LOSSES AND DUMP THIS WHACK-A-DOODLE.
I WANT TO GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY.
AN OPPORTUNITY?
I WANT TO GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY.
I REALLY WANT TO TRY AND MAKE IT WORK,
AND I WANT TO SEE IF MAYBE YOU'D TALK TO HIM.
LISTEN TO ME. HE IS A MESS.
HE'S A WHACK-A-DOODLE.
IF HE WAS A DOG, THEY'D PUT HIM DOWN.
CAN I JUST SAY ONE LITTLE THING?
HE'S A BILLIONAIRE.
LET ME JUST TELL YOU ABOUT A BILLIONAIRE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SECONDS ARE IN A MILLION?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY -- HOW MANY --
A MILLION SECONDS WOULD EQUAL WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
11 DAYS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY A BILLION SECONDS WOULD EQUAL?
NO.
33 *** YEARS.
HE IS A BILLIONAIRE,
AND WHAT I'M ASKING YOU TO DO AS A FRIEND OF MINE
IS PLEASE, EDDIE, JUST TAKE HIM OUT FOR A WALK.
IF IT'S CRYBABY McGUIRE YOU WANT,
THEN IT'S CRYBABY McGUIRE YE SHALL HAVE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
GET HIM TALKING
AND GET HIM TO SPILL HIS GUTS ABOUT HIS WIFE,
AND THEN HE'S GONNA BE THE PERFECT MAN FOR ME.
I HAVE THE *** HOPE DIAMOND!
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S WORTH A SHOT?
DID YOU LIKE THE GULFSTREAM?
YEAH, THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME ON A JET FOR ME.
SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TODAY.
YEP.
YOU KNOW, EDDIE...
I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE REALLY MET
THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS IN KIRSTIE.
THAT'S GREAT.
SHE'S -- SHE'S SWEET AND KIND.
THERE'S SO MUCH TO LOVE.
I'M THINKING OF POPPING THE QUESTION.
WOW.
THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
I'M VERY HAPPY FOR BOTH OF YOU.
THANK YOU.
BRAVO.
DO YOU THINK SHE'LL SAY YES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE THE WHOLE PACKAGE, RIGHT?
THANKS. [ SOBS ]
JOHN, DON'T DO THAT, PLEASE, OKAY?
YOU GOT TO STOP CRYING.
NO, I JUST GET -- WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
ALL THE CRYING YOU'RE DOING ALL THE TIME.
IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE.
I DON'T -- I DON'T DO IT A LOT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FIRST WIFE?
MY FIRST WIFE?
IF IT'S TOO PAINFUL A QUESTION --
OH, NO, NO, NO. HEAVENS NO.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
SHE DIED FROM FOURTH-DEGREE BURNS
FROM A TECHNICAL COMBUSTIBLE GLITCH
ON ONE OF MY EARLIER VERSIONS
OF MY SUPER SUPPER CAMPER STOVE.
I TOOK THAT TECHNICAL GLITCH.
I TOOK THAT...
AND I USED IT AS AN INSPIRATION
TO BUILD MY EMPIRE.
WELL, THAT'S AWESOME.
THANK YOU, PINKIE.
YEAH.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
I ENJOYED OUR TALK.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
I'D LIKE TO KEEP TALKING, IF IT'S OKAY.
I GONNA GET A LITTLE CHOW.
NO, NO, I THINK WE'RE REALLY HAVING A --
I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME TALKING TO YOU.
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO A MAN LIKE THIS IN A WHILE.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
NO, I THOUGHT WE WERE REALLY BONDING.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BONDING, TOO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME?
[ SOBS ]
DO ME A FAVOR. STOP CRYING.
STOP *** CRYING.
YOU'RE SUCH A *** CRYBABY.
I'M NOT A CRYBABY!
NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT A CRYBABY!
YOU'RE A BIG *** CRAZY ***!
OW!
[ SOBBING ]
OW!
OW!
Kirstie: OH, MY LORD.
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH.
A LITTLE MAN-TO-MAN TALK.
WE WERE WORKING SOME THINGS OUT.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
***.
PANSY.
***.
CANDY-***.
ALL RIGHTY.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, FINE. I'M FINE. LOOK.
I'M OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO TURN IN EARLY TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? COME ON.
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.
JOHN, WOULD YOU MIND?
I'M JUST NOT TIRED YET.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST SPENT A COUPLE HOURS READING
AND THEN COME UP.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GO AHEAD AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE THIS DOESN'T HURT?
NO, NO, NO. GO AHEAD.
REALLY? NOTHING?
NOTHING. I'M FINE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
YOU JUST RELAX, STAY DOWN HERE WITH KEVYN,
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THANK YOU. AND THANK YOU FOR THIS.
OH, THINK NOTHING OF IT.
IT WAS A GREAT DAY.
REALLY GOOD DAY.
THAT LOOKS REALLY GOOD ON YOU.
SWEET DREAMS.
YOU, TOO.
NIGHT, NIGHT.
MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT?
THEY BEAT EACH OTHER'S FACES IN.
HE WASN'T CRYING OR ANYTHING.
I PUSHED ON THAT CUT, AND HE DIDN'T START CRYING.
THIS MEANS SOMETHING HAS REALLY CHANGED.
OR IS HORRIBLY WRONG.
WHEN EDDIE GETS OUT HERE, HE'S GONNA TELL US.
I CAN TELL THERE'S A HUGE CHANGE.
John: OH! OH! OH!
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO BED WITHOUT ANY DINNER!
[ SOBBING ]
I'M HUNGRY!
I'M SO HUNGRY!
AND IT'S DARK!
OH, NO, I NEED SOME MATCHES!
OH!
[ SOBBING CONTINUES ]
Kirstie: JOHN?
JOHN?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR -- JOHN?
YES. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
NO. SEE JOHN?
EVERYTHING'S GONE.
HIS LUGGAGE IS GONE AND THE BRACELET HE GAVE ME,
THE HOPE DIAMOND.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
OH, BOY.
HELLO?
Merv: Hi.
OH, HI, MERV.
THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
John McGuire has just disappeared.
Like, poof!
WE WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME.
I FELT LIKE I WAS SORT OF FALLING FOR HIM,
AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN HE'S GONE.
YEAH, YEAH, I HEARD FROM HIM.
YOU DID? WELL, THAT'S WEIRD.
HE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ME A NOTE.
HE PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, KIRSTIE.
KNOW WHAT TO SAY?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, I'M SORRY, KID, BUT YOU BLEW IT.
HE FOUND YOU TO BE --
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.
I'M GONNA BE DELICATE.
I THINK HE FOUND YOU TO BE A LITTLE TOO EMOTIONAL --
EMOTIONAL.
TOO EMOTIONAL?
OH!
Kevyn: WHAT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
JOHN McGUIRE TOLD MERV GRIFFIN
THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS WAY TOO EMOTIONAL
AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE.
EMOTIONAL!
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE PROJECTS.
I WASN'T EVEN EMOTIONAL AROUND HIM.
NOBODY SAYING YOU WERE.
I HOPE HE DIDN'T OVERHEAR ME.
HE WAS PROJECTING.
WHY WOULD HE HAVE EVER HEARD YOU?
HE WAS PROJECTING.
IT'S NOTHING TO TAKE PERSONALLY.
WE HAD SAID HE WAS CRAZY.
HE'S JUST CRAZY.
NO, IT'S KARMA.
THE SECOND I CHEATED ON KID,
I PULLED THIS BAD JUJU UPON MY FATE.
LADY, YOU'RE NOT THAT POWERFUL.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT A SCARLET LETTER ON MY FOREHEAD
BECAUSE I AM AN ADULTERESS,
AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO CHEAT ON PEOPLE.
THEY WRECK THEIR FREAKIN' LIVES.
CAN YOU GET SOME POPSICLES, LIKE, STAT?
EMOTIONAL?
HE THINKS I'M *** EMOTIONAL?!
I'M NOT *** EMOTIONAL!
I'M IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!
I'M IN LOVE WITH KID ROCK, AND I CHEATED ON MY KID!
THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S WRONG WITH ME!
HOW ABOUT THEM POPSICLES?
♪ WE WON'T BE ALONE, YOU SEE ♪
♪ HEY, WE'RE AT A PARTY ♪
♪ AT A PARTY ♪
♪ IS WHERE WE ARE ♪
♪ ♪