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What’s good young thugs? This week we keepin’ it church with the Lion, the Witch, and the
Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
War is RAGIN’ through the streets of London, so the Pevensie kids- Peter, Susan, Edmund,
and Lucy, gotta pack up they *** and head to the boonies to live wit crazy Professor
Kirke.
Lil’ Lucy jus’ scopin the crib and decide to hop up in a brutha’s wardrobe when ZAP-
girl in a Magical Forrest up in this magical hood called Narnia. WHOA. Lucy roll up to
a lamppost and start conversatin’ with a faun named Mr. Tumnus. Mr. T like “Wanna
po’ up some tea over at my crib?” (lucy) “Oh. Aight. Word.” Thing is, though, Tumnus
ain’t jus’ havin a girl over to do some sippin’: he break down and tell Lucy dat
he was plottin’ to turn her over to the evil White Witch. This bad *** been rulin’
over Narnia fo’ years and usin’ dem swoel powers to make it always Winter, but never
Christmas. That’s some ***. Tumnus was gonna hand Lucy over, but since she just
so damn real, he let her go.
When Lucy pop outta da wardrobe and start tellin’ errybody else bout Narnia, they
all like “Girl is you rollin?!?”- ‘specially her bro Edmond. Later, while the kids playing
Hide N’ Seek, Lucy and Edmond get all up in that wardrobe and ZOW!- back to Narnia
Edmond forgets all bout his little sistah and starts flyin’ solo. Outta nowhere, the
White Witch rolls up on him and girl slips him some magical Turkish Delight dat’s THE
DANK. He like “Lady. Gimme SUMMO’ of DAT”- but she say “nuh-uh playboy. I ain’t givin’
you *** until you bring all your brothas and sistahs to me. You do that, and I ain’t
only gonna give you all da Turkish Delight you want, but I’ll make you Prince of da
land.” Sounds pretty tight to me.
After some hardcore chillin’ with Mr. Tumnus, Lucy find Edmond and they head back home.
But Edmond keep his mouth shut bout da witch. Back at da crib, Lucy like “Guess where
we been ***? Narnia! Back me up, bro. Tell em.” But Edmund like “Psh I don’t
know what this girl talkin ‘bout”. if you ain’t figgered it out yet, Edmund’s
a ***. So Peter and Lucy hit up the Doc and ask him who to believe. Professor Kirke gets
real wit em and say: 1. Who you REALLY gonna believe? Lucy? Or Edmund? And 2. Maybe erryone
should just mind they own damn business. Nice.
Eventually all four of dem kids go through the wardrobe and head to Tumnus’s pad, but
turns out, dat *** brutha got GOT by the law for bein’ tight with humans. Later,
they hit up the house of Mr. Beaver who lay down some COLD prophecy: da only way to defeat
the white witch and her ***-*** magic is fo’ fo’ humans to take the throne. And
according to Mr. Beav, she ain’t even da legit ruler of da land. Da real dude in charge
is Aslan the Lion. Ain’t nobody seen this playa fo’ years, but word is he back in
town.
Jonezin to live the baller’s dream, Edmund sneaks out to the White Witch’s place to
get so mo’ sweets but she like “Boy didn’t I tell yo’ *** to bring da kids with
you?” She just bout *** herself when she learns dat Aslan back. AWW YEAH ASLAAAN!
Back at the Beaver digs, Lucy start lookin’ round and realize dat Edmond peaced out all
shady-like. Big Beav say Edmund musta sold they *** out to the white witch and like
“She probably know where we are so best book it out of here befo’ she come up in
here and *** my *** up. Let’s go find Aslan.”
While they on da road, they see dat the snow’s startin’ to melt, cuz the White witch’s
power over the land be SLIPPIN’. All the sudden, they run in to muthafuckin’ Santa
Claus. Ol’ Papa Christmas slangin presents like he do: Lucy get a dagger and some magic
drank that can heal da injured, Susan get a bow and a special horn, and Peter get a
pretty tight sword n’ shield.
When they lil’ crew reach the Stone Table where Aslan dun set up shop, errybody meet
da big Lion himself and agree he a pretty trill dude. But when the queen’s top dawg,
a wolf named Maugrim, drop in tryna merc Susan, Peter like “HAEEEEEEL NO” and ghosts that
pooch with his blade. A crew of Aslan’s thugs follow anotha’ wolf back to the queen
and save Edmond RIGHT before da witch was bout to ice dat boy.
Edmund gets back to Aslan’s spot but then da Queen herself roll up and say “ Yo. Aslan.
Don’t yo stupid *** know that according to some old-*** law called ‘deep magic’
dat I got the RIGHT to kill Edmund since he a lil’ snitch. Erry traitor’s *** belongs
to ME- and if I don’t get it, all of Narnia gonna get wrecked by fire and water.” Aslan
like “girl. Can I holla’ at you for a second?”
After they done conversating, da Queen decides to just chill and let Edmund live. That night,
Aslan creep outta da camp but Lucy and Susan hot on his trail. Turns out, Aslan gonna trade
his own life fo’ Edmond’s. Way to *** *** up Edmond! *** and her crew treat
Aslan like ***, call him a *** (seriously- check out p.153), And finally shank his lion
***. Woo. He dead. But don’t trip, cuz after some tears, a few rope-eating mice, and a
stone table breaking, we find out dat Aslan comes back to life. Apparently Aslan ***’
with an even DEEPER magic from way back befo’ there was even time.
So Lucy and Susan ride Aslan back to the Queen’s castle when Aslan starts healin people who
been turned in to statues. Aslan gets all these peeps to meet up with Edmund and Peter,
who tryna’ wreck shop on the White Witch with a army of they own. Afta the dust settle,
the Pevensie kids sit they *** on dem thrones and become da kings and queens of Narnia.
Swag. Aslan bout to leave when the kids like “Aslan. Don’t leave.” And Aslan like
“*** I’m *** Aslan I’ll do what I damn well please.”
Years later, they all find the lamppost and ZOOP- they back in da real world as kids.
They like “Yo professor.
You ain’t gonna BELIEVE da *** we just seen” brutha like “Word. I bet you gonna
be back there soon enough” With all this talking animals and magic jive,
it sound like ol’ CS mighta been hotboxing his wardrobe. But according to Lewis da whole
idea started with an image in his mind of a Faun packin an UM-brella and parcels cruisin’
through some snowy woods. And on the real, CS Lewis actually pulled a Professor Kirke
livin’ in the country during the war and givin’ evacuees a place to crash. Apparently
one of the kids stayin’ with him was always axin Lewis bout his wardrobe... so.
But dis book ain’t just bout saving children, but SAVING them”- straight Jesus style.
Cuz you KNOW CS Lewis like to keep it church. All da backward-*** *** dat Edmond do in
da book reppin’ da ways dat humanity can be tempted in to a life of sin; and dat even
though the man upstairs gonna forgive you, you might have to beast through some gnarly
*** to get there. The cross ain’t light. Naw mean?
Jus’ look at Edmund: after the white witch promise him a life of sittin high baller on
da throne grubbin on dank sweets all day erry day, brutha ready to backstab his own fam
like it don’t matter. Thang is, Edmund don’t even get close to livin’ dat high life.
What CS preachin here is dat a life of sin may seem like it gonna give you da life of
yo dreams, but truth is, it never do.
There’s only one hustla dat can give you legit joy in life- Aslan, da *** Jesus lion.
Just peep these similarities between dat *** and the big JC, son:
Aslan sacrifice himself to save someone else, he’s gets hated on right befo’ his death:
Plus,he gets resurrected, and wit dat ressurrection, lays down a new code- a DIVINE code that makes
magic look like it ain’t ***. Lion Jesus even use his breath to turn the White Witch’s
statues back in to living creatures, which is an analogy dat Lewis actually use in his
book Mere Christianity.
And if all dis holy rollin ain’t obvious enough, Lewis say in
“Voyage of the Dawn Treader” that Aslan got a different name in our world- someone
who arrived in our world the same time as Santa Claus, was the son of an Emperor, was
merced for someone else’s fault, came back to life, and is sometimes referred to as a
lamb. HM. I WONDER WHO HE TALKIN’ BOUT.
But look, jus’ cuz we got a bunch of similarities like deez don’t mean we dealin’ with a
straight up allegory. There are some pretty important differences.
For one, Jesus died for EVERYONE in da hood, where as Aslan died just for Edmund. As Lewis
say, the Chronicles are “supposal.” What he meant by that is this: suppose that the
Christian God had created a whole different world dat needed rescuing. How might he go
bout savin dat world like he saved ours?
Truth is, what really matters is the message: there’s a right path to go down, but fo’
some reason, we don’t always take it. Homies gonna trip, and we gonna need the love and
sacrifice of somebody else so we can get back to rollin righteous.