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(mellow music playing)
(Anthony) IN MY BEST-CASE SCENARIO,
I WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE WARM
WITH PALM TREES, TROPICAL DRINKS,
THE SOUNDS OF REGGAE OR DON HO
SOMEWHERE IN THE DISTANCE,
SOMEPLACE WITH WARM, GIN-CLEAR WATER,
THE SMELL OF SUNTAN OIL
AND WARM, BROWN SKIN...
(rock music playing)
NOT THIS PLACE.
(man) AAH, YEAH!
I'M ANTHONY BOURDAIN.
THAT'S RIGHT!
I WRITE. I TRAVEL.
OH, LOOK OUT NOW!
I EAT, AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.
♪ OOH, YOU'VE GOT TO ♪
♪ GET LOST ♪
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(Anthony) HOW MANY PEOPLE WANT ME TO COME TO FINLAND?
(woman) IT'S 100,000 PEOPLE.
20,000--
100,000 PEOPLE?
YEAH.
AND ESPECIALLY THIS GUY,
MIKA TUOMI, CREATOR OF THE FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN
THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE THING.
"ICE CREAM MADE FROM TAR. *** MADE FROM TAR."
"ANTHONY, PLEASE DON'T COME HERE. I LOVE YOU,
"BUT WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING EXCITING TO OFFER.
"IT'S BETTER FOR US AT LEAST THAT YOU HAVE
"YOUR BAD MEMORIES ABOUT SWEDEN,
AND FINLAND REMAINS A GREAT MYSTERY."
"YOU SHOULD EAT ANTS OFF A FINN'S HAIRY ***
"WHO HAS BEEN SITTING NAKED ON AN ANT HEAP.
THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENTERTAINMENT."
"LOTS OF ***, MIDNIGHT SNACK, AND FIGHTING AT THE GRILL SHOP."
NOW THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
LICORICE LIQUOR?
BLACK SAUSAGE. MAN, IT'S LIKE, SAUSAGE, SAUSAGE, SAUSAGE.
(giggles)
"HAVE A GRANDMA COOK FOR YOU."
YES, WE'VE GOTTA FIND A GRANDMA.
GET WORKING ON GRANDMA. A "GILF."
A GILF?
A "GRANDMA I'D LIKE TO FEED ME."
OH, OKAY.
SO FINNISH STREET FOOD, SAUNA.
BLACK SAUSAGE.
BLACK SAUSAGE.
ALCOHOL, MORE SAUNA.
LIQUOR.
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR KIND OF PLACE.
YES.
YES, IT DOES.
(giggles)
LET'S MAKE SURE TO GO IN WINTER, TOO.
SOLD.
HELSINKI, FINLAND.
WHAT I KNEW ABOUT THE PLACE
WASN'T, SHALL WE SAY, ENCOURAGING.
I KNEW THE FINNS WERE TOUGH PEOPLE,
TOUGH ENOUGH TO FIGHT OFF NAZIS AND RUSSIANS.
TOUGH TO HANDLE THE COLD, HARSH CLIMATE,
THE LONG, DEPRESSING WINTERS,
THE SHORT, BINGE-DRINKING SUMMERS.
I KNEW IT WAS A PLACE
NOT LONG ON EASY SMILES,
EVEN EYE CONTACT, FOR THAT MATTER.
BUT I NEEDED A NATIVE SON,
SOMEONE FINNISH, BUT SOMEBODY I COULD RELATE TO.
SO I REACHED OUT TO THIS GUY-- SAMI YAFFA,
FORMER BASS PLAYER FOR THE BAND HANOI ROCKS,
LATER OF THE NEW YORK DOLLS,
PRESENTLY BACKING UP MICHAEL MONROE.
I'LL TAKE A FLAMING ONE.
I'LL HAVE A DARK AND STORMY.
WE'RE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING IN FLAMES.
YEAH, CAN YOU PUT ME IN FLAMES?
YEAH.
SOUNDS GOOD.
THIS MAN, I THOUGHT, WILL SURELY HELP ME NAVIGATE
THE STRANGE, DARK, AND CONFUSING CULTURAL BYWAYS
OF THIS FAMOUSLY MANIC-DEPRESSIVE PEOPLE.
MY FIRST PLACE IN HELSINKI--
TIKI BAR.
(laughing) YEAH.
IS THAT NORMAL?
NO.
SO WHAT DO WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS TOWN?
IT--IT'S A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE TOWN TO START WITH.
IT'S--IT HAS THE HIGHEST SUICIDE RATE IN THE WORLD,
THIS COUNTRY.
REALLY?
YEAH. I MEAN, GROWING UP OVER HERE, IT WAS LIKE--
I WANTED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 12.
BACK IN THE, LIKE, '80s AND '70s, MAN,
THIS PLACE WAS LIKE
A DARK, MORBID CORNER OF THE WORLD, MAN.
TO DARK AND MORBID.
THAT'S--OH, (bleep), I'M ON FIRE, MAN.
I'M HAVE A DARK AND--
I'M DRINKING A DARK AND MORBID.
(laughing) A DARK AND MORBID. EXACTLY.
THE NUMBER ONE THING
PEOPLE TELL YOU TO DO AROUND HERE, APPARENTLY,
IS SAUNA.
SAMI'S GOT A FAVORITE SAUNA, IT TURNS OUT,
A HOUSE OF PAIN CALLED ARLA IN THE KALLIO NEIGHBORHOOD.
HELLO.
SAUNA.
WHAT IS IT WITH SAUNAS IN THIS COUNTRY?
EVERYBODY SAYS, NUMBER ONE ANSWER--
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IN FINLAND.
IT'S A FINNISH WORD.
OKAY, SO IT'S A NATIONAL THING.
YEAH.
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
(Sami) THEY HAVE THE SAUNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS OVER HERE.
THE RUSSIAN GUY DIED TWO YEARS AGO.
AND THE FINNISH GUY WHO ACTUALLY ENDED UP WINNING
GOT THIRD-DEGREE BURNS
AND ENDED UP IN A COMA FOR TWO MONTHS.
YEAH, BURNS, COMA,
COMPETITIVE SWEATS--
SOUNDS LIKE A RECIPE FOR A GOOD TIME.
IT'S SMART TO REPLACE THOSE LOST SALTS
BY THROWING SOME MEAT IN TUBE FORM ON THE COALS
TO COOK WHILE YOU SWEAT.
MAKE SURE TO KEEP HYDRATING WITH BEER
AND SINISTER GRAPEFRUIT LIQUORS.
♪♪♪
(sizzling)
RIGHT. GOTTA GET OUT OF THE WAY. (laughing)
THAT'S THE KICK OF A MULE.
(sizzling)
WHAT DO YOU DO, JUST KEEP FEEDING WATER IN THERE...
(speaking indistinctly)
(laughs)
OH, YEAH, THAT-- OH, YEAH, I'M FEELING THAT.
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
SAUNA, SAUNA, SAUNA,
DRINK, SAUNA,
MORE DRINK, SAUNA AGAIN,
MAYBE SOME SAUSAGE.
YOU'RE EATING SAUSAGE.
GOD KNOWS WHERE THAT (bleep) WAS MADE.
RIGHT.
YOU'RE DRINKING GIN AND-- AND GRAPEFRUIT JUICE...
UH-HUH.
OR--OR ***.
UH-HUH.
HOW HEALTHY OF AN EXPERIENCE CAN THIS BE, REALLY?
I GUESS IT'S LIKE YIN AND YANG. IT BALANCES OUT, RIGHT?
(laughing)
(sighs) YEAH.
ARE YOU GONNA GET CUPPED?
I'M NOT (bleep) DOING THAT.
THAT'S TOTALLY MEDIEVAL, BY THE WAY.
I'M GONNA HAVE MY BLOOD...
BAD BLOOD. YEAH.
VACUUMED OUT OF MY BACK...
YEAH.
YEAH, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
OH, BOY.
(woman) WHAT ABOUT THE SAUSAGE?
OH.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IT OUT OF THERE?
YEAH, I NEED... (speaking indistinctly)
THAT MEAT CAN'T BE COOKED.
♪♪♪
SO OUR DISCONCERTINGLY CHEERFUL THERAPIST
SLIDES ON THE SURGICAL GLOVES,
PUTS ON THE CUPS, AND STARTS GETTING STABBY.
AND WE START...
THE FLESH PUNCTURED,
THE CUP GOES BACK ON TO GET THINGS...
RUNNING, SHALL WE SAY?
1/2 LITER?
(Sami speaking indistinctly)
ANOTHER BEER.
♪♪♪
(speaking indistinctly)
WHOA, LOOK AT THAT (bleep).
THERE'S A REVEAL...
THEY DID GET MY SPLEEN. LOOK AT THAT.
A VERY SUSPICIOUS, IF YOU ASK ME,
PRESENTATION OF THE CONSOLIDATED BAD BLOOD
THAT IS SOMEHOW CONGEALED
INTO A KIDNEY-SIZED PATTY OF EVIL.
♪♪♪
MY TURN COMES FOR THIS HEALTHY TREATMENT,
AND OUR TECHNICIAN GETS STABBY RIGHT AWAY...
(speaking indistinctly)
SINKING HER SHARP LITTLE HOCKEY STICK
INTO MY FLESH REPEATEDLY AND WITHOUT REMORSE.
AND NOW YOU CAN RELAX.
GOOD.
OW.
(Sami speaking indistinctly)
THAT (bleep) HURTS.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
FEEL FREE AND HEALTHY AND WONDERFUL,
'CAUSE NOW YOU ARE REALLY FREE FROM THIS BAD BLOOD.
EXCELLENT.
(indistinct conversation)
FEELING FUNKY FRESH.
IS THAT MY BLOOD?
♪♪♪
COLD, DARK--
MORNING IN HELSINKI.
WE'RE AT RADIO ROCK,
CROWD-SOURCING A DINNER SCENE.
(man) ♪ RADIO ROCK ♪
WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM, ANTHONY BOURDAIN
AND SAM YAFFA.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME. I JUST ASK DO YOU HAVE A HANGOVER,
BUT THE ANSWER WAS NO.
NO, I'M MISSING A LOT OF BLOOD,
BUT, UM, BUT NO HANGOVER.
HEY, WE HAVE HOMEMADE SALMIAKKI KOSKENKORVA.
AWESOME.
SEE, THAT'S TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT RIGHT THERE.
(Sami) ABSOLUTELY.
REALLY? YOU THINK SO?
IT'S THE DRINKING IN THE MORNING.
SALTED LICORICE.
REALLY, REALLY POPULAR IN FINLAND.
WELL...
KIPPIS.
CHEERS. KIPPIS.
KIPPIS. KIPPIS.
KIPPIS.
MMM, IT'S LIKE CANDY, BUT MORE FUN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT FINNISH FOOD?
ONE OF THE THINGS WE'VE HEARD AGAIN AND AGAIN IS
WHEN YOU COME HERE YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY'S GRANDMOTHER
TO COOK YOU, YOU KNOW, A TRADITIONAL...
HMM.
SORT OF OLD-SCHOOL DINNER,
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, BUT THE GRANDMOTHERS IN THIS COUNTRY
ARE NOT TOO ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT BEING ON TELEVISION.
WE'RE STILL LOOKING FOR ONE.
HEY, WE HAVE ONE PHONE CALLER ON THE LINE.
(speaks Finnish)
(man speaking Finnish over radio)
Grandmom for you...
GRANDMOTHER FOR YOU.
to cook, uh, to cook food.
OH, YOU HAVE A GRANDMA? YEAH?
YEAH.
AWESOME. WHAT'S ON THE MENU?
(speaking Finnish)
OKAY, IT'S A SURPRISE.
WHATEVER YOU WANT, HE SAYS.
Everything you-- what you want.
HE WANTS TO COOK HIS, UH, MOTHER-IN-LAW FOR YOU,
MAYBE, I UNDERSTOOD.
AH, PROBABLY.
(man) RADIO ROCK.
ALL RIGHT.
HE WAS OFFERING HIS GRANDMOTHER, BUT I DON'T THINK
HIS GRANDMOTHER WAS FULLY AWARE OF HIS OFFERING.
NO, EXACTLY.
WE'RE GONNA WANT DOCUMENTARY PROOF THAT GRANDMA'S ALIVE, TOO.
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW UP AT SOMEBODY'S HOUSE,
AND THERE'S, LIKE-- IT'S LIKE "PSYCHO," YOU KNOW?
PSYCHO GRANDMA.
WELL, NO, SHE'S, LIKE, MUMMIFIED OR SOMETHING.
YEAH.
PLEASE PROVIDE PROOF OF LIFE
PRIOR TO OFFERING YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
ALL RIGHT.
AND THEN, PIIA, GOOD MORNING.
(Piia) Good morning.
MORNING.
So I have a mother who's a grandmother for three,
and I think she's a professional drunk.
(laughing)
And she makes the best traditional Finnish food,
in my opinion.
THAT--THAT'S VERY ENCOURAGING.
(laughing)
WHAT IS THE MENU?
Anything you can dream of.
She can do, like, Karelian stew,
the traditional cabbage stew,
forest mushroom salad, different kinds.
CAN YOU ACTUALLY GUARANTEE
THAT SHE WILL BE DRUNK ONCE THEY GET THERE?
Uh, not when they get there, but, uh, during,
'cause Karelian stew
takes about three hours in the oven.
They will be drunk.
MY PRODUCER IS, LIKE, GRINNING IDIOTICALLY AT ME
WITH HER THUMBS IN THE AIR.
SO IT SOUNDS VERY PROMISING. THANK YOU.
Thank you.
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.
HEY, ANTHONY BOURDAIN, IT'S BEEN AN HONOR.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, SIR.
(speaking Finnish)
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
♪♪♪
(Anthony) FINLAND TO A LOT OF PEOPLE
MEANS THE SAVAGE SPLENDOR
AND NATURAL VISTAS OF LAPLAND.
BUT I'VE BEEN TO SWEDISH LAPLAND,
AND IT'S (bleep) COLD.
I ALMOST ASPHYXIATED IN A FREEZING TENT WITH MY CREW.
SO NO LAPLAND THIS TRIP.
INSTEAD LAPPI FOR THE FULL LAPLAND DINING EXPERIENCE
WITHOUT ALL THAT UNCOMFORTABLE CAMPING AND FREEZING
AND CHOKING TO DEATH ON FUMES
FROM YOUR HEATER IN AN ENCLOSED TENT.
BUT I DIGRESS.
LIKE REINDEERS?
I DO. I LIKE 'EM ON MY PLATE
WHILE SANTA LOOKS ON WITH MUTE HORROR
FROM THE CHAIR WHERE HE'S DUCT-TAPED AND BALL-GAGGED.
(Anthony) YOU EAT HERE ALL THE TIME?
(laughing)
I'M GUESSING THIS RESTAURANT'S ALL ABOUT REINDEER.
PRETTY MUCH.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I SAY LET'S GET SMOKED REINDEER
AND AN ASSORTMENT OF THINGS.
RIGHT.
AND THEN THE LAPPI'S GAME SELECTION FOR TWO?
THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
I HATE REINDEER, BY THE WAY. THEY'RE PESTS.
I HATE SANTA, TOO-- SANTA AND REINDEER.
ABSOLUTELY.
I'M A KRAMPUS GUY.
(laughs)
CHEERS.
YEAH. GOOD MORNING.
(laughs)
IT TASTES LIKE ***, TOO.
YEAH, BUT IT'S MADE OUT OF RYE.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH. KOSKENKORVA IS THE, UH, THE NATIONAL--
THEY CALL IT THE POCKET WARMER,
'CAUSE EVERYBODY WALKS AROUND WITH A HALF-DRUNK WARM BOTTLE...
OF THIS STUFF.
OF KOSKENKORVA-- THIS STUFF.
AND IT'S USUALLY BETTER WHEN IT'S POCKET WARM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
SALMON TARTARE, AIR-DRIED REINDEER,
DELICIOUS CHEESE,
REINDEER CARPACCIO,
MARINATED SOMETHING-OR-OTHER,
AND WHITEFISH ROE.
WOW.
THAT'S PRETTY COOL-LOOKING.
MMM. THAT'S GOOD.
RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
I (bleep) LOVE ROE.
YOU DO?
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THINKING THE FISH IT RODE IN ON...
YEAH.
AWESOME.
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
MM-HMM.
HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE IN FINLAND? WHAT'S THE POPULATION?
5 MILLION.
YOU HELD OFF THE ENTIRE SOVIET UNION
WITH--WITH A QUARTER OF THE POPULATION OF MANHATTAN.
YEAH.
THAT'S KINDA AWESOME.
SISU IS SUPPOSEDLY THE QUALITY IN FINLAND
THAT, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE OVER HERE
THAT, YOU KNOW, NO MATTER HOW HARD (bleep) GETS,
YOU JUST DON'T ROLL OVER AND WHINE.
SISU-- IT'S GUTS AND NOT-GIVE-UP
AND BULLHEADEDNESS ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.
IT'S AN INNER QUALITY.
WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON THAT KIND OF STUFF
AND YOU KNOW, "I CAN DRINK THREE BOTTLES OF ***, NO PROBLEM,"
OR "I CAN SKI FOR 80 MILES IN FREEZING SNOW."
ARE THESE VALUABLE EVERYDAY SKILLS?
I THINK SO.
(laughing)
BRAISED REINDEER,
REINDEER SAUSAGE,
AND A GREAT BIG (bleep) HUNK
OF ROASTED REINDEER.
WOW, THAT'S AWESOME-LOOKING.
YES.
WAIT, WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A SAUTé.
SAUTé JUICE.
RAMPS AND CARROTS AND...
RIGHT.
MMM, THAT IS GREAT.
AND WHAT WAS THE SAUSAGE AGAIN? SAUSAGE...
REINDEER. REINDEER.
REINDEER IS DELICIOUS.
MM-HMM.
IT CAN BE DONE IN MANY DIFFERENT...
THIS (bleep) IS PRETTY (bleep) GOOD.
MM-HMM. DRINK TO THAT.
♪♪♪
SISU AND POCKET WARMERS-- THE FINNS NEED BOTH
TO WEATHER THEIR LONG, PIERCING WINTERS
AND TO TAKE PART
IN ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS NATIONAL PASTIMES
EVER CONCEIVED.
(scraping)
THIS IS FOLK RACING.
MANY FINNS, PARTICULARLY IN THIS AREA,
LEARN TO DRIVE REAL EARLY,
WHICH IS WHY SOME OF THE BEST FORMULA 1 DRIVERS IN THE WORLD
HAVE COME FROM AROUND HERE.
OUR VEHICLES--
THE HOLLOWED-OUT SHELLS
OF SEEMINGLY BARELY ROADWORTHY V.W. BUGS.
BUT THESE BABIES ARE LOADED UP
WITH SOME SERIOUSLY TWEAKED-OUT ENGINES.
(engine revving)
(Sami) THAT'S GREAT. I LOVE IT.
THE IDEA--
SURVIVE TWO LAPS ON MIRROR ICE,
NO SNOW TIRES OR CHAINS.
LOCAL COMPETITION--
THIS IN A PLACE WHERE EVERY SCHOOL KID
OR GRANDMOTHER ON THE CORNER
CAN DRIVE LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL.
(engine revving)
CONTACT,
AS YOU CAN GATHER FROM THE SHAPE OF THE VEHICLES,
IS NOT UNHEARD OF.
♪♪♪
MANEUVER ON ICE, TRY TO GET AROUND TWO LAPS
FASTER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
TRY NOT TO ROLL YOUR CAR.
AVOID HEAD-ON COLLISIONS--
THIS IN ZERO-TRACTION SITUATION.
♪♪♪
ON ONE OF THE EARLY TURNS,
SAMI GETS HIT, SPINS OUT IN FRONT OF ME,
SUDDENLY COMING STRAIGHT AT ME.
I COULD'VE TURNED THE WHEEL 1/2 MILE BACK.
IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE.
(choir vocalizing)
(speaking indistinctly)
(laughs)
VICTORY IS NO LONGER A POSSIBILITY,
TO SAY THE LEAST.
BUT I CAN SETTLE A SCORE WITH SAMI IF I'M LUCKY.
♪♪♪
IN THE END, I FINISHED SECOND TO LAST,
UNREVENGED BUT UNDAMAGED.
♪♪♪
(laughing)
I HIT HIM.
IT'S FUN AS HELL.
IT'S (bleep) AMAZING. I LOVE IT.
(sighs) MAN, YOU'RE LIKE-- YOU'RE A MURDERER OUT THERE.
I COULD'VE BEEN KILLED.
OH, MAN.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
♪♪♪
APPARENTLY OUR RADIO SOLICITATION
OF THE PERFECT GRANDMA PAID OFF BIG-TIME,
BECAUSE PIIA, THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO CALLED US ON RADIO ROCK--
SHE WAS NOT KIDDING.
TURNS OUT HER MOM IS EVERYTHING SHE PROMISED
AND MORE...
(laughter)
PARTY ANIMAL,
GREAT LADY,
FANTASTIC COOK.
(speaking Finnish)
(laughing)
YEAH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE ON THIS SHOW,
OUT OF THE BLUE,
EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT.
THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
TIINA, PIIA, AND THEIR NEIGHBOR SARA
DELIVER THE GOODS BIG-TIME.
ON THE MENU--
THE FAMOUS KARELIAN STEW...
(Tiina laughs)
(Piia) TURN THEM. TURN THE FISH.
FRIED WHITEBAIT...
AHH, YEAH.
AND KARELIAN PIES,
WHICH I GET A CRASH COURSE IN HOW TO MAKE.
SHE'S JUST PRESSING THE PASTRY
AND ROLLING IT
INTO THIN.
(speaking Finnish)
IT'S GOING TO BE A BIG ONE,
A BIG (bleep).
BIG, BIG, BIG.
(Anthony) BIG.
THE SHAPE, IT LOOKS LIKE A (bleep).
YES.
IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE IT.
YOU WANT TO DO IT?
CAN I?
YES, YOU-- YOU CAN.
(speaking Finnish)
(voices overlapping)
IT NEEDS TO BE A ROUND ONE.
OH.
IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE. YOU CAN TRY IT WITH THAT ONE.
(laughing)
IT--IT'S NOT-- IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE.
AM I PATHETIC?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S FINE. IT'S FINE.
A THIN LAYER. LEAVE, LIKE...
MORE.
2 CENTIMETERS.
MORE. MORE.
A LITTLE HERE.
YES.
ALL RIGHT, AND THEN...
AND THERE. THERE, TOO.
FOLD HERE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
(winces)
THE OTHER SIDE.
ALL RIGHT, YEAH. ALL RIGHT, THEN UP?
YES.
YEAH... ♪ DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO ♪
YES. YES. YES.
YES! YOU GET IT!
YEAH!
IT LOOKS GOOD.
OH, MAN.
IT LOOKS PERFECT.
(laughing)
I LIKE--
IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
I LIKE YOURS BETTER, SO TO SPEAK.
HEY. (speaking Finnish)
IT--IT LOOKS LIKE YOURS,
YOUR...
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT.
IT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME.
I HEARD THAT BEFORE.
MAYBE IT'S NOT THE SAME KIND,
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A (bleep).
RIGHT.
SEE, THIS IS THE THING. LOOK AT THAT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A TRAIN WRECK--
PARIS HILTON MONDAY MORNING.
(laughter)
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS SHOT WAS ABOUT,
THOUGH IT'S CALLED GRANNY SLIPPERS,
DISTURBINGLY ENOUGH.
SALMIAKKI *** AND IRISH CREAM?
SURE, WHY NOT?
(Sami) CHEERS.
KIPPIS.
KIPPIS. KIPPIS.
THAT'S GOOD.
OH, IT IS GOOD.
THIS IS THE BASIC SOUP
MY MOTHER DOES.
SO MUSHROOMS SOUP, AND YOU GUYS ACTUALLY--
YOU GET THESE MUSHROOMS YOURSELVES?
YES.
SHE PICKED THEM.
SHE PICKED THEM.
WOW. THERE WE GO.
(voices overlapping)
AND WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT?
TABLE ***.
TABLE ***.
TABLE ***.
I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
IT'S VERY FINNISH.
MMM.
(speaking Finnish)
SHE SAID THERE MIGHT BE SOME PINE NEEDLES IN THERE,
BECAUSE SHE'S KIND OF SHORTSIGHTED,
SO SHE MIGHT HAVE SCOOPED SOME PINE NEEDLES IN THERE.
OH, GOOD.
HAPPY? I'M HAPPY.
I'M SO HAPPY.
IS THIS NORMAL THAT PEOPLE COOK SO WELL IN THEIR HOMES,
OR IS YOUR MOM EXTRAORDINARY?
MY MOM IS EXTRAORDINARY, YES.
YEAH, SHE'S BAD-***, ABSOLUTELY.
PRETTY AWESOME, RIGHT? WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
THE PIES, THE FRIED FISH,
AND A REALLY TASTY FORAGED MUSHROOM SALAD
ACCOMPANY THE STEW.
AND NO (bleep), THESE LADIES CAN COOK.
EGG ON TOP.
THERE'S PORK AND BEEF...
THANK YOU.
WITH LOTS OF FAT.
(speaking Finnish)
OH, WOW.
RIGHT?
OH.
THAT'S GREAT.
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU WEREN'T KIDDING. SOME SERIOUS COOKING GOING ON HERE.
MMM. SO WHAT HAPPENS IF A REINDEER
WANDERS INTO THE FRONT YARD? IS SHE SHOOTING IT IN THE BRAIN?
(laughing)
(speaking Finnish)
NO, SHE'LL CALL HER FRIEND WHO WILL COME AND KILL IT,
AND SHE WILL CUT IT TO PIECES.
ALL RIGHT, I-I FIGURED.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE SAID SOME EXTREMELY UNFLATTERING THINGS
ABOUT THE CUISINE IN FINLAND--
AN EASY JOKE.
YEAH, FINLAND--IT JUST SUCKS, AND IT'S JUST...
BUT I HAVEN'T HAD A BAD MEAL, ACTUALLY.
(speaking Finnish)
SO WHEN--OH, YEAH, OKAY, HERE WE GO,
MOVING ON TO SERIOUS BUSINESS AT HAND.
(speaking Finnish)
OH, THIS IS TABLE ***.
YES, IT IS.
SO WHEN YOU CALLED US AT THE RADIO STATION,
WHERE WERE YOU AT THAT TIME?
I WAS AT WORK.
YOU WERE AT WORK. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I DRIVE A CAB.
DRIVE--OH, AWESOME. REALLY?
OH.
YES.
VERY COOL.
(voices overlapping)
YOU SHOULD TRY THIS MORE.
OOH, THOSE ARE GOOD.
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR THE BEST MEAL THAT WE'VE HAD IN FINLAND...
WITHOUT QUESTION, NOT EVEN CLOSE...
ABSOLUTELY.
FAR AND AWAY THE BEST MEAL WE'VE HAD IN FINLAND.
(speaking Finnish)
THEY SAY THANK YOU FOR COMING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
YOU ARE MY HERO.
THANK YOU. YOU ARE MINE, TOO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY AROUND HERE?
KIPPIS.
KIPPIS, YEAH.
KIPPIS.
(speaking Finnish)
(all laughing)
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON,
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY WEB SITE AT...
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
30 MINUTES NORTH OF HELSINKI IS TUUSULA,
THE SITE OF A ROMANY GYPSY PUB
THAT SAMI'S BEEN COMING TO FOR SOME TIME.
(scatting)
SANTERI AHLGREN IS THE OWNER AND RINGLEADER OF THIS PLACE
AND A CONTROVERSIAL COMEDIAN AND MUSICIAN.
GYPSIES OR TRAVELERS OR ROMA PEOPLE,
OR WHATEVER IT'S APPROPRIATE TO REFER TO THEM BY THESE DAYS
HAVE BEEN LIVING IN FINLAND SINCE THE 16th CENTURY.
(singing in Finnish)
THE MUSIC IS ADAPTED AND IMPROVISED FROM FOLK SONGS,
AND FOOD AROUND HERE FOLLOWS THE SAME RULES.
MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT YOU HAVE.
ROMANO SOUP OR GYPSY STEW--
POTATOES, CARROTS,
ONIONS, AND PORK SHOULDER.
(singing in Finnish)
(indistinct conversation)
(Anthony) THAT LOOKS GOOD.
MMM. OH, THAT'S GOOD.
MM-HMM.
(woman) THANK YOU!
(applause)
ALL THOSE SONGS ARE, LIKE, TRADITIONAL
OLD FINNISH, ROMANIAN, OR RUSSIAN GYPSY SONGS.
MM-HMM.
(singing in Finnish)
VERY, VERY TRADITIONAL,
LIKE GOES BACK-- WAY BACK.
RIGHT.
(imitates fast-paced rhythm)
BECAUSE GYPSY MUSIC ORIGINATES FROM INDIA.
(woman) HEY!
(all singing)
(cheering)
BRAVO.
NO TOURIST! 500 YEARS.
(Anthony) THAT'S NOT A TOURIST.
(laughing)
BAND'S GREAT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU MUCH.
YEAH.
SANTERI INSISTS WE TRY SOME HORSE MEAT--
OR IS IT PONY?
AH, THANK YOU.
YEAH, THAT LOOKS GOOD. CU-CURED.
MM-HMM.
OH, RAINBOW DASH,
LOOK AT YOU NOW.
♪ MY LITTLE PONY ♪
HERE IN FINLAND, YOU KNOW,
GYPSY CULTURE IS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
THAN--THAN OTHER COUNTRIES,
BECAUSE YOU-- YOU SEE THE LADIES?
IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT KIND OF CLOTHES, YOU KNOW?
IT'S A REPUTATION FOR MUSIC AND PARTYING,
BUT IT'S A VERY CONSERVATIVE, VERY TRADITIONAL CULTURE
WITH A LOT OF RULES.
YEAH, WE HAVE A LOT OF RULES.
FAMILY VALUES.
YEAH, YEAH. WE LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
AND WE ARE NOT BEGGING PEOPLE, GIVE ME SOME MONEY.
WE MAKE BUSINESS.
DO YOU WANT TO BUY ONE GLASSES OR TWO GLASSES?
MAYBE IF YOU BUY TWO,
I GIVE YOU ONE MORE, SAME PRICE.
IT'S BUSINESS.
BUSINESS.
SOME NICE STEW, A LOT OF BEER,
AND THIS, WHICH WAS QUITE AN UNEXPECTED SURPRISE.
APPARENTLY RON'S BIG IN FINLAND,
SO TO SPEAK.
(all) HEY!
(cheering)
LIKE A LOT OF CITIES IN EUROPE,
HELSINKI HAS A TRAM SYSTEM.
UNLIKE OTHER CITIES, THOUGH,
HELSINKI HAS ADDED A UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL WRINKLE
TO THE USUAL CONVEYANCE.
♪♪♪
I BELIEVE THIS IS OUR CAR.
(laughs) IT SURE IS.
OH, YEAH. NOW THIS IS MASS TRANSPORTATION.
YES, IT IS. IT SHOULD BE UNIVERSAL.
A BEER, IF YOU PLEASE.
SURE.
WELCOME TO THE ONLY TRAM IN THE WORLD
LICENSED TO SELL ***.
CHEERS.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD, LIKE,
50 OF THESE THINGS OR 100 OF THEM
JUST CONSTANTLY MOVING THROUGH THE CITY?
(Sami) YEAH.
LIKE, THERE'D ALWAYS BE ONE PASSING THROUGH.
YOU CAN JUMP ON IT. IT'S LIKE THIS.
THEN ANOTHER TIME IT'S, LIKE-- IT'S AN IRISH THEME
OR IT'S, LIKE, BEER DISCO BUS,
TIKI TRAM.
YOU COULD TAKE IT TO WORK IF YOU WANTED TO.
YEAH, SO, LIKE, YOU SHOW UP LATE AND ALL (bleep) UP.
IT'S LIKE, SORRY, MAN, THE TIKI--TIKI TRAM, YOU KNOW?
(laughing)
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE, IF YOU PLEASE.
YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS.
YEAH, THIS IS GOOD.
YOU EVER GET IN ANY BAR FIGHTS EVER?
(man) NEVER.
NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS--
NEVER IN THE HISTORY.
THERE'S STILL TIME.
(laughing)
LET'S STAND UNTIL THE NEXT WHISKEY BAR, MY FRIEND.
THERE WE GO.
THAT IS THE MAGIC BUS.
IT IS.
GOOD-BYE, MAGICAL TRAM.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
(static hissing, man speaking Russian on radio)
THIS IS BAR MOSCOW...
BRAINCHILD OF THE BRILLIANT FINNISH FILMMAKER
AKI KAURISMAKI.
(man) SO, GUYS...
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
WE HAVE ZUBROWKA. DO YOU LIKE THAT?
ZUBROWKA?
ZUBROWKA IS THE BISON GRASS ***.
IT'S A GREAT ***.
BISON GRASS?
YEAH.
YEAH, WHATEVER. I'LL DRINK THAT, YEAH.
(laughs)
WHAT DO WE--WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOOD-WISE?
WE HAVE, UH, SANDWICHES FROM YESTERDAY.
OKAY.
SHOULD I ASK WHAT'S ON THE SANDWICH--DO WE--
YOU WILL SEE THAT.
HERE ARE SANDWICHES.
HE REALLY WASN'T KIDDING.
THIS IS SOVIET STYLE.
OH, THIS IS GOOD.
IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'LL POUR MYSELF ONE, TOO.
NA ZDROWIE.
KIPPIS.
NA ZDROWIE.
(speaking Finnish)
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
CAN I POUR ANOTHER ROUND?
(sarcastically) NO, PLEASE, NO.
(laughs)
AND THE HISTORY OF THIS PLACE IS KINDA--
TELL ANTHONY ABOUT THE HISTORY OF IT.
WE OPENED THE CORONA BAR IN '92,
AND IT WAS SUCH A SUCCESS,
THERE WAS NO ROOM FOR US,
SO WE DECIDED TO OPEN UP A BAR
WHERE NOBODY COMES.
SOVIET BAR. NOBODY COMES HERE.
AH, SO THIS WAS--
THE IDEA WAS THIS IS THE WORST CONCEPT EVER.
NO ONE WILL POSSIBLY WANT TO COME HERE.
YEAH.
FLAT BEER, LOUSY SERVICE.
LEONID BREZHNEV SPEECHES.
THAT'LL DRIVE THE CUSTOMERS AWAY.
AND WHAT WAS GREAT IS WHEN TRACY--
TONY.
GREETING FROM TAMPERE.
OH, HO.
THIS IS THE MAN WHO STARTED THE FACEBOOK PAGE
THAT GOT ME HERE...
WE HAVE THE BLACK SAUSAGE HERE.
THE NOTORIOUS MIKA TUOMI.
OH, THIS IS LIKE THE SUITCASE IN "PULP FICTION."
(laughing)
(sighs)
STILL FRESH, STILL WARM.
OH, WOW.
JUST BEFORE I CAME TO HELSINKI,
I WENT TO THE FACTORY
AND TAKE THIS CASE JUST FOR YOU.
WOW.
HOLY CRAP.
OH, MAN.
LINGONBERRY SQUEEZE.
LINGONBERRY SAUCE.
(groans)
OH!
OH, THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS.
(laughing)
OH, MAN.
THAT IS NICE, MY FRIEND.
IT'S GOOD, YEAH?
ARE YOU EXCITED BY THIS? THERE YOU GO.
AND THERE IS PLENTY OF IT.
YEAH, I THINK--I THINK WE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT.
IT DOESN'T REALLY NEED SAUCE.
IT'S LIKE-- IT'S PERFECT AS-IS.
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
SWEET AND SOUR.
THEY HAVE THIS. THAT'S MILK.
OH, YEAH.
COULD WE HAVE A FOURTH, PLEASE?
NA ZDROWIE.
OH.
FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME HERE...
YEAH, THANK YOU.
BECAUSE REALLY IT WAS YOU.
WHEN I CREATED THAT FAN PAGE...
RIGHT.
I WAS DRUNK.
GOOD. GOOD, LIKE ALL GREAT DECISIONS.
YEAH.
IT WAS YOUR SITE,
BUT ALSO A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO STARTED POSTING...
YEAH.
SAYING, "YOU SHOULD REALLY COME TO OUR COUNTRY.
"IT'S LIKE--WE'RE LIKE-- WE DRINK A LOT.
WE'RE MANIC-DEPRESSIVE."
LIKE YOU.
YEAH. THERE WAS A MAGICAL CONFLUENCE OF EVENTS,
AND THEN ADD SOME, UH, YOU KNOW, BLOOD SAUSAGE...
BLACK SAUSAGE.
YEAH.
DONE.
NA ZDROWIE.
KIPPIS.
KIPPIS. RIGHT, YEAH.
MAYBE FINLAND WASN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA AFTER ALL.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
COME ON!
HELSINKI,
SEVERAL BARS LATER.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS A REALLY GOOD DECISION,
BEST DECISION OF THE NIGHT?
NOT TO DO THAT LAST SHOT OF ***.
CAN YOU IMAGINE? IT WAS NOT--
NO, I THINK WE NEED ANOTHER ONE. COME ON.
AH, (bleep).
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN,
TIME FOR WHATEVER LOCAL SPECIALTY,
MEAT IN TUBE FORM, *** MOP, MUTANT DOG,
WHATEVER IT IS THAT LOCALS NEED AROUND NOW
WHEN FEELING, SHALL WE SAY, WORSE FOR WEAR.
(cheering)
HERE THE DRINKERS TEND TO NEED SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE URGENTLY, PERHAPS.
AND THEY ARE, AS A RESULT, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
A LITTLE MORE FORGIVING OF WHAT'S ON OFFER.
I'M ALL OVER THAT (bleep), MAN.
I'M HAVING A MEAT PIE. I'M HAVING A MYSTERY SAUSAGE.
I'M HAVING MEAT IN TUBE FORM.
JASKAN GRILLI IS A BELOVED LATE-NIGHT FAVORITE,
A LEGEND IN THE DRINKING CLASS.
OH, THERE SHE IS.
GOD BLESS HER.
OH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
YES, SHE IS.
I WANT YOU.
WOW. COME TO ME, MY LOVE.
(laughs)
SO BASICALLY, YOU CAN GO NUTS.
THEY HAVE A KANNIBAL,
WHICH IS A TURKISH PIE, WHATEVER THAT IS.
BALKAN SIDE, CHICKEN SIDE,
UH, REINDEER SIDE... (speaking indistinctly)
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
BUT I'LL HAVE IT. MEAT--MEAT PIE.
YEAH, I JUST WANT A MEAT PIE.
MYSTERY MEAT, RIGHT?
YEAH, HOMEMADE FRIES AND SAUSAGES PUT TOGETHER.
SAUSAGES WITH THE POTATO? IS THERE A POTATO ELEMENT?
YEAH.
YEAH, FRIES. HOMEMADE. YEAH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN THE MEAT PIE?
(speaking Finnish)
WHAT WOULD SHE HAVE?
SHE WOULD PUT EVERYTHING IN IT.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
START WITH A MICROWAVED PATTY-LIKE SUBSTANCE
OF MYSTERY MEAT
FOLLOWED BY A GENEROUS TUG
OF THE CONDIMENT UDDERS HANGING FROM THE CEILING.
DON'T SKIMP, MY FRIEND.
THEN PILE ON THE TOPPINGS--
GARLIC, PINEAPPLE,
MAYO, RELISH,
AND SOMETHING CHEESE-LIKE.
OH.
HERE'S THE MEAT PIE WITH EVERYTHING.
WHERE'S THE MEAT?
THE MEAT IS IN THERE. IT'S GOT RICE IN IT TO.
I'LL TAKE YOUR (bleep) WORD FOR IT.
IT'S--I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE,
BY THE WAY. IT'S REALLY ALARMING.
(laughing)
OH. OH, JESUS.
OH, TONY.
AND YOU CALL THAT MEAT.
THAT'S SOME RIKERS ISLAND (bleep).
I TASTE KETCHUP AND *** GLAND.
OH, MY GOD.
ONCE YOU GET TO THE MEAT IN THE BOTTOM,
IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD.
THERE'S MEAT IN THE BOTTOM?
OH, YEAH, THERE IT IS.
OH, THIS IS GOOD.
YOU COULD HAVE A HOT DOG IN IT, TOO.
SORRY.
YEAH. GO FOR IT.
OR A DISCERNING GENTLEMAN
WHO FINDS HIMSELF WELL IN HIS CUPS
COULD GO FOR THE ALTERNATE, SAUSAGE AND FRIES...
A SORT OF SOGGY FLOTILLA
OF HOT DOG PARTS AND FRIES
TOPPED WITH, WELL, EVERYTHING.
THE PINEAPPLE. THE PINEAPPLE'S REALLY DISTURBING, MAN.
THE PINEAPPLE IS REALLY (bleep) DISTURBING.
AND SOME POTATOES.
OH, NO.
(laughs)
OH, MY GOD, IT'S ALL SO MOIST.
OH, YEAH.
THIS IS WHY YOU REPELLED THE RUSSIANS SO SUCCESSFULLY.
UH-HUH. THEY DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
YOU REALLY-- YOU WANT THIS?
REALLY, THEY DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
EAT THIS.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
(winces)
(laughs)
IT PUTS THE SELF-LOATHING BACK INTO DRINKING,
AND GOD KNOWS WE ALL NEED THAT.
PLEASE, COME IN CLOSER.
(man) TONY, THAT'S TOO CLOSE.
LET ME GET THAT FOR YA.
(laughter)
Closed Captions provided by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.