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DAVID WAIN: Hello, and welcome to the David Wain Show.
The imaginary talk show I do when I'm
walking around the city.
Today we're going to be looking at some historical
sites for our imaginary viewers.
Over on the right here is Walt Whitman's house.
He was a famous poet and noted ***.
Over there is an old church that was part of the
Underground Railroad.
And the train tracks over there, part of the
lesser-known above-ground railroad.
KERRI: Excuse me, are you a tour guide?
DAVID WAIN: Listen, ***, I'm married.
KERRI: Oh, I'm sorry.
DAVID WAIN: Why did I say that?
I'm not married.
I mean, yes, I'm fathering an illegitimate child, but that's
not until December.
And she seemed so nice.
Hey, wait.
KERRI: Yes?
DAVID WAIN: Oh, you're still here.
I thought you'd walked away.
KERRI: No, I was just kind of standing right here.
DAVID WAIN: So did you ask me something about whether I'm a
tour guide?
KERRI: I did.
You see, I'm trying to see as much of the city as I can in a
short amount of time.
I'm dying.
DAVID WAIN: Oh my God.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
KERRI: Yeah, it's a really rare, rare form of acne.
DAVID WAIN: Oh, that's terrible.
KERRI: Tell me about it.
DAVID WAIN: Listen, I don't normally do this, but you seem
so pathetic.
Why don't you meet me here, 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.
And I'll give you a tour of the city you'll never forget.
KERRI: Oh.
Thank you.
DAVID WAIN: $200.
KERRI: Excuse me, I'm sorry?
DAVID WAIN: Well, it costs $200.
KERRI: Oh, I thought it was a gift.
DAVID WAIN: No.
No, no, no, no.
KERRI: Well, would you mind if I gave you the money tomorrow?
DAVID WAIN: Actually, no, because then what if you--
KERRI: Because if I die?
DAVID WAIN: Yeah.
KERRI: And then where would you be without the money?
DAVID WAIN: If you could hurry it up.
KERRI: Right.
I'm sorry.
DAVID WAIN: Come on, come on.
So I'm going to meet her tomorrow morning.
MALE SPEAKER: Fantastic.
Don't forget to bring your rubbers.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I hear wedding bells.
She sounds cute.
DAVID WAIN: Where the *** you get this wedding bell thing?
You've never even met the girl.
Whatever you're on, I want a double order of it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID WAIN: Hey.
Hi.
KERRI: Where were you?
I've been waiting forever.
DAVID WAIN: I'm sorry I'm late.
I was doing a big jerk-off session, and I wanted to delay
my *** as long as possible.
KERRI: I understand.
But I really would like to get going now because I don't have
a lot of time.
DAVID WAIN: Literally.
Listen, I have a little confession to make about the
reason I was late.
KERRI: You weren't having a jerk-off session?
DAVID WAIN: I was.
It was a big one.
But what I didn't tell you is that when I was stroking it, I
was thinking about you.
KERRI: Really?
DAVID WAIN: Yeah.
KERRI: That's so sweet.
DAVID WAIN: You know, Kerri, we could go on that walking
tour and get a lot out of it.
Or--
KERRI: Or what?
DAVID WAIN: Or we could spend what little time you have left
on this earth making passionate, sweet, amorous
love with each other.
What do you think?
KERRI: I really think I'd just like the walking tour.
DAVID WAIN: Really?
KERRI: Yeah.
DAVID WAIN: Oh, I thought maybe you'd want to do the
making love one.
KERRI: No, I think I'd just like the tour.
DAVID WAIN: You want to do a 50-50 thing, like half walking
tour and half love?
KERRI: No, I'd really just like the tour.
DAVID WAIN: OK, we can do that.
KERRI: That's OK?
Should we get going?
DAVID WAIN: Yeah, let's go.
Well, let's start right here.
This is--
I was glad I got the money up front.
Because about a half hour later she died learning about
the city that I love.
And I guess in a way she became a part of its history.
I was there with her at the end.
And after she went, I took the opportunity to
feel her *** a little.
They were pretty good.