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>> Oh! Hello, Internet people. My name is Ryan.
Today we are playing Portal 2.
I am very excited about the fact that we are playing Portal 2 today.
>> Good morning. You have been in suspension for- 50- days. In compliance with state and
federal regulations all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended Relaxation
Centre must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
>> OK. >> You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the
buzzer, look up at the ceiling. [loud buzzer]
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. [loud
buzzer]
Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of the mandatory physical and mental wellness
exercise.
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art. [loud
buzzer]
>> You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspected staring at art has not provided
>> OK.
the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music.
[classical music] >> Oh, this is lovely! [loud buzzer]
Aah. >> Good. Now please return to your bed.
>> OK.
>> Good morning. You have been in suspension for- nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nin-
This courtesy...
>> [knock] Hello? Anyone in there? [knocking]
>> ...test subject should vacate the Enrichment Centre immediately...
>> Aah! Oh god! You look terr... um, good. Looking good actually.
>> Um. >> Are you OK? Are you... don't answer that.
I'm actually sure you're fine. There's plenty of time for you to recover. Just take your...
>> Please prepare for emergency evacuation. >> Stay calm! Stay calm, "Prepare." It's all
it's saying. "Prepare." It's all fine, alright?
Don't move. I'm going to get us out of here.
Oh, you might want to hang onto something. Word of advice. Up to you.
>> What.
Aah! Oh god, everything's shifting.
>> All right down there? Can you hear me?
>> I'm very distressed right now.
>> Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after some months in suspension.
Now you've been under for quite a lot longer and it's not out of the question that you
might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
>> What. >> But don't be alarmed, alright? But if you
do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being
told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying at all? Does any
of this make any sense? Just tell me. Just say yes.
>> Yes. >> OK. What you're doing there is jumping.
>> [laughs] >> But nevermind. Say "apple." "Apple."
OK, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
>> [laughs] >> All reactor core safeguards are now non-functional.
Please prepare for reactor core meltdown.
>> What? No! No! >> I wasn't going to mention this to you but
I'm pretty hot water here.
>> Um. >> How are you doing down there? Are you holding
>> I'm uh... >> The reserve power ran out so of course
the whole Relaxation Centre starts waking up the bloody test subjects.
Hold on! This is a bit tricky.
...And of course nobody tells me anything. No! Why should you tell me anything? Why should
I be kept informed about, you know, the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test
subjects I'm supposed to be in charge of?
>> What? Ten thousand? >> It's close. Can you see anything?
Can I make it through? Do I got enough space?
>> No. No, you cannot! >> Just got to get through here...
>> You can't, no! >> I just got to concentrate.
>> This is a bad... >> Whose head do you think it's going to be
when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flipping vegetables?
>> This is very bad! >> No, I hit that one. I hit that one.
>> You are doing a very bad job!
>> OK, listen. We should get out of storage straight. Alright, if anyone asks and no one's
going to ask, don't worry, but if anyone asks tell them as far as you know the last time
you checked everyone looked pretty much alive. Alright? Not dead.
OK, almost there. On the other side of that wall is one of the old testing tracks. There's
a piece of equipment in there that we're going to need to get out of here. I think this is
a docking station. Get ready.
>> OK. Oh no. Oh god!
>> Good news. That is not a docking station. So there's one mystery solved.
I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall. Could get a bit technical. Hold
>> Oh no. Oh n... >> Almost there.
>> I would like in this bathroom please! >> In there's a gun that makes holes. Not
bullet holes. But... Don't worry, you'll figure it out. Seriously do hold on this time.
>> Oh Jesus Christ! >> Oh, there we go. Now I'll be honest. You
are probably in no fit state to run this particular type of cognitive gauntlet but... at least
you're a good jumper so you've got that. You've got the jumping on your side. Um, just do
your best and I'll meet you up ahead.
>> OK.
>> Alright, off you go. >> Goodbye. I don't know who you are.
>> Go on, just march on through that hole.
>> I don't want to stand on that glass. >> No, just go ahead... go ahead. Good luck!
>> Hello, and again welcome to the Aperture Science Computer Science Enrichment Centre.
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties under circumstances of potentially apocolyptic
significance beyond our control. However, thanks to emergency testing protocols, testing
can continue. These testing prerecorded messages will provide instructional and motivational
support so that testing can still be done even in the event of environmental, social,
economic or structural collapse. The portal will open and emergency testing will begin
in 3... 2... 1.
>> Ooh. This looks very... familiar. This is...
this is excellent. This is so excellent. I am so pleased at these events right now.
>> Cube and button based testing remains an important tool for science, even in dire emergency.
If cube and button based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening
twice are very slim. You have just passed through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation
Grill which vapourises most Aperture Science equipment that touches it.
>> Wow. What an intro. My god.
>> If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lay on your back and apply immediate
pressure to your temples. You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the material emancipation
grill may have emancipated the eartubes inside your head.
>> Er, what? But I thought it only removed my fillings and teeth. Or is that the button?
That might be the button.
This puzzle appears to be new.
Huh.
So then I want...
Oh no, I want to push this button.
I swear, Internet people, I'm not retarded today. Or most days.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm retarded most days.
Woop. Woop.
>> Good. Because of the technical difficulties we are currently experiencing, your test environment
is unsupervised. Before reentering a relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing please
take a moment to write down the results of your test. An Aperture Science Reintegration
Associate will revive you for an interview when society has been rebuilt.
>> OK. I'll take your word for it.
>> If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal king, sentient cloud or other
governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reaso...
>> Then what? Then what!? I really need to know what to do because this seems like an
entirely realistic happening in this game world!
Nothing over there.
Can I just jump through this? No I can't.
>> Hey hey! You made it!
>> Yes. >> There should be a portal device on that
podium over there.
I can't... Oh! >> Ohh!
>> Hello? Can you see the portal gun? >> There wasn't a portal gun.
>> Are you still alive? That's important. I should have asked that first.
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still
alive and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait one hour then I'll come back
and assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. Alright? Brilliant.
>> Thank you. He's so kind. >> See you in an hour, hopefully.
>> Oh, there's the portal gun. Oh god.
It's the plot of Portal I guess.
Um...
Yeah, that's... this is summin' it up pretty nicely. Got to say.
Gosh, that is a beautiful rendition. An absolutely beautiful rendition.
Woop. Wonderful.
So how do I get out of here? Do I want to get out of here.
Oh my god! I totally have this copier at work.
Is it showing me...? Oh, that's neat. It's showing me where the old portals are.
That's cool.
>> Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids.
Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and have been provided
with one copy of the laws of robotics to share. Good. If you feel that the lethal military
android has not respected your rights as detailed by the laws of robotics, please note it on
your self reporting form. A future Aperture Science Entitlement Associate will initiate
the appropriate grievance filing paperwork.
>> Killer.
Ooh. You know what, Internet people? I think that's a good little taste for today. Oh god.
Oh god.
I'm just going to watch this until tomorrow when the next episode happens.
Over and over again.
Over... and over again...