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>>Hi, welcome to Mental Health Matters I'm Shannon Eliot. Today we'll be examining real
questions from real people about what stresses them out during the holidays. Alan Stein has
worked in the mental health field for more than 30 years. He holds a masters degree in
Public Health and is a licensed Marriage, Family, and Child therapist. He is also a
23-year-old veteran and is ranked as a second degree black belt in Aikido, a Japanese martial
art. BJ North is a certified facilitator for Wellness Recovery Action Planning and consultant.
She helps to foster dialogue in and between community agencies around the world. She also
pursues a lifelong learning policy of continuous self-improvement. Welcome, Alan and welcome,
BJ. Thank you for being here today.
>>Thank you. It's great to be here.
>>Thank you.
>>So we recently visited the Oakland Farmers' Market and asked people on the streets what
stresses them out during the holidays and our first question is about the seasonal task
of gift giving. Let's take a look.
>>My Name is Randall Hughes. I'm with Oaktown Beef Jerky Company and my question is how
do we avoid the stresses during the holidays of feeling as though we have to buy a gift
for someone.
>>So one of the things I think about during the holidays when I'm asked to give a gift,
or required to give a gift -- and I'm not really sure which one it is oftentimes -- is
the importance of coming together and being with the people that you care about, being
with your family, being with your friends, and be less focused on the material aspect
of how a gift makes coming together better. And so I think having that conversation with
family members or friends is a way of opening up those possibilities of thinking about the
holidays in a different way.
>>And how does that relate to the definition of a gift? We all probably have different
definitions of what a gift really is, sometimes it's material, sometimes it's something more
spiritual and from the soul. What do you think about that BJ?
>>I think that a gift, if we can just be in the present moment and think about the gift
as my family showing up. The gift is that we have this time today to share with each
other. The gift is, we're just redefining what that even means because I think when
we put material things in front of sharing with each other, that always becomes the thing
that's between us, is the materialist thing at the moment. I always just say to look each
other in the eye and be able to see who that person is at the moment.
>>And one of the other things I think about is that oftentimes when we come together during
the holidays, we are seeing either family or friends so infrequently that they kind
of helicopter in for the holidays. I'm often not sure what Aunt Phoebe or Uncle Jim really
likes. So it puts me in a position of having to guess because you really can't ask. I don't
feel comfortable asking Aunt Pheobe, "So what do you want?"
>>And then she could say, "Well how would you not know? I'm insulted by you not knowing."
>>Exactly, you've been in my life for 25 years I would expect that you would. It creates
the possibility of tension where the material object is something that creates that lack
of intimacy, I think. So my struggle always is to figure out how to make these moments
more intimate and more, as BJ said, more about the spirit of giving yourself during the holidays
to each other rather than exchanging gifts.
>>Let's take a look at another question, this time from a mom.
>>Hi, my name is Hilary. This is Stella and this is Leo. My question is how do you have
enough time for yourself during the craziness of parties and school events and just as a
busy mom setting aside time so you can relax and happy during that time?
>>I think it's really planning it out. I have a kid, and I've raised a lot of my nieces
and nephews and really thinking about the parties and learning to plan what I was doing
and making sure that the kids come along so there's no stressors. So when I'm going somewhere,
I've thought through what it's going be about for the kids and for myself at that moment,
wherever we're going. And what stresses me out during that time is mostly is that I'm
worried about what's going to happen in a space that I haven't even ventured to yet.
So if I can just be comfortable with myself, that will really help me when I go to these
parties, when I'm doing things with my kids is to really just to make sure I'm confortable
in that moment with just being with the kids whatever it is.
>>Let's say you have a spouse. How can you have a conversation with your spouse to maybe
divvy up responsibilities and duties and share some equality in that burden?
>>Well, that's a conversation that I've had often with my wife not just during the holidays,
but in general I think that how you reach agreement about what your role and responsibility
is relative to raising kids or throwing an event during the holidays, it's the degree
to which you can have an open and honest conversation and be clear about what each other's expectations
are is the degree to which I think you're less likely to fall down on the side of creating
conflict where there doesn't need to be conflict. If I'm clear about what you expect from me
and vice versa, it's easier to negotiate those times when there's more murkiness. One of
the things that I always say to my wife is let's get clear, let's get moving, and let's
stay focused, and if we can just remind ourselves of what our agreements are for getting clear,
getting moving, and staying focused it's easier to pull this stuff off, whether it's about
raising kids or convening a meeting or having 27 people sit down for Thanksgiving dinner,
and to enlist the support of other people who are coming, because it's not just about
you doing it, it's about a shared experience.
>>Just making sure that everybody has something that they are doing. Even the kids. Even inviting
those kids in to be a part of that planning, the stress, the whole business that happens
with the holidays is to make sure that everyone is on board. Having a list and asking people
to sign up, so that I'm not responsible for all of it.
>>I think with kids especially. My kids are older now, but when they were growing up,
one of the things that I always enlisted in them to do was to be in the kitchen with me
and to cook so they feel like they are giving something of themselves to whoever the guests
were who were coming. And it was also a real, from a dad's perspective, a real teaching
moment. It's like being able to say, well this is how you chop an onion. And now they
are both great cooks.
>>Now we'll hear from a time-pressed student who is always at the center of planning her
families' activities.
>>Hi, my name is Phoebe and I am a student and I am extremely busy. I tend to be the
organizer in my family and during the holidays I'm also required to organize all our family
gatherings. I would like to know how I can empower my family members to organize themselves
so that they can take some of that burden off of me.
>>I think one way that Phoebe can help herself with that is to make a list and be powerful
in what she's going to do. Like, this is what I'm doing this year, these are the things
that need to be done, and really just enlist all of everyone's help. Invite people in the
process of helping because once we are identified as a certain thing as a family member of what
we do, people will have us do that every time, and it's at some point that I have to say,
"Ok this time I want it to not only be just me." I'm going to take some if this stress
off and I want other people to do it. So how do I invite my family into doing this? You
know, pick something off the menu that you love and let's do this together. Let make
this a "we" instead of a Phoebe moment.
>>Yeah, and I couldn't agree more. Being able to say to an aunt that like "I know that you
love flowers and do great floral arrangements, so can I count on you to do that?" Really
identifying those aspects of your family or friends' lives, where they feel that this
something I do really well and then inviting that as part of the communal experience as
a way of acknowledging who they are but also acknowledging the additive quality of their
contribution to the planned experience. I think BJ is correct. The degree to which you
really can kind of break down all of the tasks and expectations and communicate those even
though Phoebe has to be the one who is pulling it together, she doesn't have to be responsible
for it all. Part of the psychology of that is actually thinking about it as a group or
community or communal experience as opposed to, this is the experience that I'm orchestrating,
and giving ownership to other people for the way in which that particular family event
unfolds, and not to do it at the last minute because if you do it at the last minute, that
could be a problem.
>>The other thing as well is something else happens when I share that experience with
other people, people maybe next year everybody says, "Ooh what can I do this year?" Because
it's such a wonderful thing that I'm not taking the whole thing on myself and relationships
might change.
>>Yes, yes.
>>Maybe there's going to be a different dynamic. Maybe there's not going to be stress. Maybe
everyone is looking forward to Phoebe coming up with the list this time to see what she's
created this time so I can be a part of it.
>>So this next question involves something that we've all probably experienced at one
time or another. Let's watch.
>>My name is Benji, and my question is how do I get along with relatives whom I normally
don't get along with when it's the holidays?
>>So I always think about this in two ways. One is I've had a long-term relationship with
relatives and on some level I tend to set up expectations in my own mind and I know
my clients as well do that when they express this kind of concern in therapy about family
reunions or family gatherings or holidays. The first thing I always think of is, what
is it about yourself that you're willing to change in order to build on or change the
character of the relationship that you've had with this person over the years.
There's an old kind of adage in family systems work that systems are created to produce exactly
the outcomes you're getting. So if you don't change your part of the system, you're going
to wind up at a family gathering and getting exactly what the system creates, which is
in your mind, this difficulty, this challenge in having relationships be more positive than
they have been in the past. So think about what are you willing to give in order to get
something different in these relationships.
>>Even identifying in the moment for ourselves: what is the trigger? Why don't I like this
person? I think we have to take responsibility for whatever we're holding, like you said.
These have happened over years and we're bringing them in to the present moment. And how do
we show up? When I am experiencing meeting one of those family members that I really
didn't want to meet, I know it's a story that I have and they have no idea about it at all
that I have this thing with them. They just notice that I pull back or whatever, and it
was about learning about what that was for me, and being able to honor that part in me
and then talk to that family member. And one of the biggest things in my life today, and
the lives of many people in my family, is to really have that connection again because
I break the ice with the people I didn't want to see. What happened is there's something
that loosened up in my family, that we're all talking, we're all excited to see each
other now. So it takes me. The change happens with me. And when I can change myself, I can
probably change the dynamics of what's happening around my family in those gatherings as well.
>>Did you ever find that having that conversation backfired on you, or has it been pretty much
an entirely positive experience?
>>It's been entirely positive because I think I go energetically. I have to change that,
too. I have to really be in that moment of yes, I want this to change because if I'm
just doing it, just...
>>Going through the motions.
>>Going through the motions, they're going to feel it. It's going to be felt in that
dynamic. So the thing for me is to really honor the person who I have not honored for
a long time. And when I honor that, it's been great because I've been real about it. You
know I've honored my son and now he talks to everybody. There's a connection that happens
now instead of him going to play basketball or being outside or just not talking to people
or not wanting to be there. He comes and he...
>>Looks forward to it.
>>That's what happened, yes.
>>So in addition to video questions, we also have e-mail questions from folks throughout
Alameda County. The first one if from Simon in Castro Valley. He writes, "I lost a member
of my family this year and my own feelings of sadness are magnified during the holiday
season. How can I get through this difficult time of year?"
>>That is a great question and I always think that used to be an anniversary trigger for
a lot of people and what I ask people now is just to remember that person, honor that
person for being in your life, and how can we change instead of that person being gone,
and having something around that, you know everyone coming over and bringing something,
some story or something about that person who is now not available in body anymore.
Because it's amazing when we can just continually bring that person, just think of all the good
things. Maybe the person isn't there anymore, but they are. I remember that person every
year. And it's kind of sad but how do we change that? How do we change it to think about it
like, "Oh my God, this is great, this is the day Aunt Phoebe or whoever it is left or isn't
with us, but I'm going to honor that person's memory by doing something special." Just changing
it around, just a little bit.
>>I think also just remembering that grieving is a process. It's not something that has
a beginning and an end, so it's not as though we kind of get through it and it's over. So
being able to remember this person that the holiday is triggering a sense of loss from
by acknowledging and appreciating those emotions, those feelings that we have, not assuming
that they are going to go away but figuring out a way in which you can acknowledge that
in celebration of that person's life. I think that marking that time is a way of both honoring
your own feelings but also honoring the spirit of the person who has passed. I have a wedding
coming up in my life. My daughter is getting married and I've been playing around with
the father's speech at the wedding and she's only known one grandparent. So part of that
is acknowledging that in this large community gathering the fact that there have been other
grandparents in spirit that are in the room with us and to be able to give them a place
in the community or at the table so that it's not unspoken getting it out in the open and
speaking about it is a way of taking that grief and holding it in a way that is positive
I think.
>>So our second e-mail question is from Renee in Oakland. My extended family is half Republican
and half Democrat, and every holiday gathering devolves into one big political debate. How
can I manage my own wellness during this time as well as the peace in my family?
>>Well it couldn't be, I mean, given what we're going through as a country and the polarization
of Republicans and Democrats, that's a really important question. Especially during this
particular historical moment, it's a question that really begs for a thoughtful and meaningful
way of understanding differences. One of the ways that BJ and I have talked about this
in prior sessions is by actually turning it to kind of a game so that Republicans can
take a Democratic position and talk about it from the perspective of a Democrat and
vice versa so that you can really proverbially kind of walk in that other person's shoes
and understand from their perspective what are the values that drive these particular
political positions. And in doing that become really curious about how that value or that
particular policy, or that particular issue is something that a relative might feel so
adamant about, and to try through that sense of curiosity to begin to unpack that a little
bit. So it's not an ideological, or it's not a polarizing conversation even though people
are going to hold different opinions, it's a way of unpacking it in a way that gets people
to get a little bit deeper in terms of why they hold it and what the purpose of holding
that position is for them. How does it create meaning in their life?
>>It's a mutual learning experience.
>>Hopefully.
>>And inviting them into a process of what you think and why you have that thought about
being a Republican or Democrat. Make it where I'm doing an invitation instead of being set
in one way or the other. Well, why are you Republican? What do you see? You know, just
really have curiosity about what the other family member is holding because I really
want to know. I really love you. I don't want this to be a line in the sand. But really
inviting them to do something like set a time where we get to do this. We get to debate
this for a half an hour and then if we can let it go so we can show up as a family, but
to say it not to just let that happen. You know it's going to happen. You know they're
going to talk about Republican and Democratic stuff, and so the thing is to say it and to
say that we're going to have this certain time we'll talk about it then and then we'll
let it go so we can visit with one each other.
>>Great. So out next question is from Chester in Berkeley. And he writes, "This year I won't
be able to return for the holidays and I'm really missing my family. What can I do to
keep myself from feeling lonely and depressed?
>>You know, we're in the age of social media. Cell phones, telephones, video casting, Skyping.
You know maybe just setting up a time that Chester can see his family doing Skype or
something like that. Or maybe sending a video home or sending him a video so that he can
plug it in, or a CD, into a computer or something like that, just setting some time aside so
that he can use the social media that's available.
>>How does seeing one's face as opposed to hearing one's voice make a difference in comfort
levels?
>>I would say, yes, seeing the person and seeing that person talk. I think sometimes
on the phone things get lost. The energy, how the person is looking, our body movements
all of that plays a part in what we're conveying in the moment. So it would be great to set
up a video and do that because I think it's great when I can see you. I really want to
see you. That's why I'm missing you because I miss seeing you.
>>I also think that doing it on a more continuous basis, setting up those times for actually
being in relationships. If the media is the method, then doing it on a more regular basis
so that it doesn't feel like there's so much pressure during the holidays and everything
is broken until the holidays, and then I'm going to set up Skype. A personal example
for me is my son just spent a year abroad in India and Vietnam and we set up a regular
schedule for him when he was traveling so that we could actually see him and talk to
him, and not just see him and talk to him, but to see who he was with and who were the
friends he was making so we felt brought along and he felt like we were still connected.
>>Like you were there and involved in his life.
>>Yeah, that we were still involved in his life, and it allowed us to be curious about,
you know like who's that person that just walked behind in your Skype? Tell me their
story. So he would start talking. I think you could do that with families as well, especially
given how much of a diaspora families have gone through. It's rare that your biological
family stays in the same place, lives in the same city over a long period of your life.
And so leveraging those new ways of social media to stay in contact instead of just thinking
about getting on a plane allows us to be connected over time as opposed to just once a year or
twice a year when it's the holiday season.
>>So our final question for today's episode is from Hueba in Oakland. She writes I'm French-Algerian
and my husband is American, both with very different traditions. How can we accommodate
different cultures both around the meal and in regards to spending during the holiday
season?
>>Ok, this is an amazing question because cultures are amazing, and just knowing that
I'm creating a culture with someone who's different from my culture just in the relationship
of the Algerian and American. Just being willing to say what my culture is and the things that
I love about it is and sharing it instead of making it a difference bring it together
and make a culture out of the family. You know that family unit, because there's a lot
of things. We meet people on the street and we have different perspectives of a lot of
different things and sharing what those perspectives are -- ones I'm willing to hold and ones I'm
willing to let go of because I'm creating a new culture with my family now. That is
how we come together instead of holding those strong beliefs that are passed down from generation
to generation instead of holding them to make this something, to make this last whatever
is between us, and not make the culture be something that separates us in any way, but
how do we come together with that, with the differences, and learn from one other?
>>I think it's just a great opportunity to have each of the members of this family, this
couple, tell the story of the holidays as they experienced it over time to each other
about their families and what about the way in which they celebrated, whether it was the
food, or the music, or the dress, or what have you that is so much a part of who they
are, both as individuals, but also they got married for probably some pretty good reasons.
They were attracted to each other. And so, learning about that culture from the perspective
of their personal narrative, and then to have them make some conscious choices as BJ was
saying. What do you want to bring forward in our family, as we begin to create a blend?
Something that is different than our individual parts, but is greater than the sum of those
parts. And so that conversation and storytelling can be a way in which they deepen the intimacy
in their own relationship, but also as their family comes together that would be reflected
in the choices they've made. And they can tell that story and that story tells another
story. It's like paying it forward. I would encourage them to talk each other in that
narrative perspective
>>Great. Well unfortunately we're out of time, but thank you so much for joining me today
Alan and BJ, it's been a pleasure and I'm going to take some of the advice that I learned
today so I thank you.
>>You're welcome.
>>You're welcome, thanks for inviting me. >>If you would like to make your own action
plan to deal with life's stressors, check out the book WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN
by Dr. Mary Ellen Copeland.
To manage your thoughts and get rid of worry, fear, and panic, check out THE MINDFULNESS
AND ACCEPTANCE WORKBOOK FOR ANXIETY by John Forsyth & Georg Eider.
For mindfulness and other videos about mental health, visit the DBT self help website at
www.dbtselfhelp.com.
If you are looking for counseling and emotional support in Alameda County, call the Crisis
Support Line at 1-800-309-2131.
To find a peer-run listening line near you staffed by people in recovery themselves,
visit www.warmline.org.
Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next time.