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BETH HOYT: All right, Olga Kay and I are here at the YouTube
space in beautiful Playa Del Rey, the most
beautiful Del Rey--
oh, not counting Lana Del Rey.
Don't tell her.
OLGA KAY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
That was me speaking Russian.
Tonight is International Comedy Night, presented by
Comedy Gives Back.
You're going to see--
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
OLGA KAY: Yeah, yeah!
BETH HOYT: All right, yeah.
It's live.
OLGA KAY: You're going to see some of the best international
stand-ups from all over the United States.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh, man.
There is so much stuff going on this whole week.
People are ready to bust down the doors to get involved.
OLGA KAY: Yeah, I'm actually scared, all right, because I
called my mother back in Russia just to
be on the safe side.
I'm just kidding.
My mom doesn't have a phone.
BETH HOYT: It's an international joke.
That's not all.
Don't forget to check out all of the live events at
youtube.com/comedyweek.
I mean, it's all so funny, I'm scared of it.
We're very scared.
OLGA KAY: It's terrible, hilarious, and lots of
frightening stuff.
BETH HOYT: Right.
Also, last night's comedy show, it's been uploaded and
can be streamed on the Comedy Week page, so check that out.
OLGA KAY: Yeah, please.
And hey, don't forget that every day, we have multiple
Comedy Week videos being posted.
So go check out videos from Improv
Everywhere, Rhett and Link--
I'm in it-- and the new video from Tim and Eric, "Goatee,"
which also can be seen on youtube.com/comedyweek.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god, we have to get out of here and let
this show happen.
OLGA KAY: Yeah, you're right.
I'm going to go first all right?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, OK.
Oh, she's showing off.
I can do that, too.
We're going to be right back tomorrow, but right now it's
time for our international stand-up show.
ROVE MCMANUS: Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Welcome to Comedy Week on YouTube.
How is everybody here in the house tonight?
Welcome, wherever you are watching around the world.
Thank you for pausing whatever hilarious Psy video clip you
had to put aside to be here tonight.
Thank you.
We are live, so everybody in the audience, please, watch
yourselves.
I know when it's live, you go, they can't stop me.
You just want to yell "***" or something, but
rein it in.
Grow up.
I know it's YouTube.
This is where we all first saw the two girls and the one cup.
But, at the same time, there's a lot of innocent, overweight
Japanese cats just trying to jump in and out of
their boxes in peace.
Have some dignity.
I am your host for this evening, wherever you are
watching this.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
ROVE MCMANUS: That's great.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for pretending to know who I am.
That's very--
yes, your laughter gives you away.
My name is Rove McManus.
I am an Australian comedian and talk show host.
This is very exciting for me to be here.
For those of you who don't know me, yes, Rove, I realize
it's a bit of a weird name.
At least I thought so 'til I moved here to Los Angeles.
Did you know there's a person who lives in this city called
Zooey Deschanel?
That's the name of a person.
I'm like, whooey with the what now?
That can't be a real thing, surely.
But what I've also discovered is that, in this city
especially, celebrities love a crazy name.
I fit right in here.
Normally what happens is, the celebrities, they'll pair up
to get themselves a really cool celebrity fun nickname--
like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are Brangelina, Ben
Affleck and Jennifer Garner are Bennifer.
And Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are Keyhole, I think.
Listen, could we--
might have to research that, yes--
OK, cool.
I'm--
yep--
I'm being told I don't have an earpiece.
Good.
But it's now even gone even further, where--
I don't know if you've noticed, but the celebrities
are so *** up for a crazy name, they're giving all their
kids crazy names.
Yes, says the audience.
I've noticed, too.
Yeah, observant.
Because that's how you all talk to me.
You've suddenly become very well-spoken British.
I'm a YouTube audience member.
I cannot be trusted with a real candle,
however, but still.
Ah, ah.
But, yeah.
Crazy baby names, like Beyonce might be having another one.
Blue Ivy was her first.
That was great.
Other great names out there, thank you celebrities--
Apple, Shiloh, Suri, Banjo, Moon Unit, that's a name.
My favorite, though, I think, would be Nicolas Cage, the
actor Nicolas Cage, as opposed to the mechanic Nicolas Cage.
I don't know why I needed to bring that up,
but there you go.
But Nicolas Cage named his son Kal-El.
K-A-L hyphen E-L. Does anybody in the room tonight know the
significance of that name?
Yes, yell it out.
Yell out.
AUDIENCE: Superman.
ROVE MCMANUS: Superman, yes, yes.
Be proud, nerd.
He's into Superman.
Yell it out, my friend.
Sure.
You may as well yell it out because if you know this,
you're not getting laid tonight, so be proud.
Get it out there.
For those of you who don't know-- and you probably will
in the next couple of months with the movie coming--
Kal-El is Superman's birth name, from his
home planet of Krypton.
Well done, Nicolas Cage.
You've just come up with the perfect way to make sure that
your son comes home from school with his underpants on
the outside as well.
Genius.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, you have plenty of fantastic
acts coming up tonight.
You have logged on to a wonderful show, Comedy Week
here on YouTube, international night.
One more round of applause as we get into it.
Our first performer tonight, ladies and
gentlemen, Daniel Kinno.
DANIEL KINNO: Thank you.
Give a go for Rove one more time, your host.
Thank you.
It's good to be back in America.
I just got back from Canada.
Funny already, all right.
I was in Winnipeg, Canada.
When I was there, somebody goes, are you
nervous to be here?
It's the *** capital of Canada.
*** capital of Canada.
I got all scared, I Googled it--
35 people a year.
That is adorable.
I live in Los Angeles.
35 people got killed in my apartment building last year.
We didn't even call the cops.
So I kept reading.
They don't kill each other as much as we do in Canada.
Only 500 people get murdered in Canada a year.
America, 20,000.
We're number one, yay.
Pew, pew, pew pew.
So they got us beat there.
But here's something odd-- and this is true-- their suicide
rate in Canada is four times their *** rate.
2,000 people kill themselves every year.
That's weird, right?
How does that even work?
Somebody breaks into your house in the
middle of the night.
You're like, oh my god, are you think about killing me?
Me, too, me too.
What a coinkydink.
Don't even waste your bullets, I already got
the sleeping pills.
Well, it's either that or they have the dumbest cops in the
world in Canada.
They think everything's a *** suicide.
They show up at a crime scene, get off their horses or
whatever they do, I don't know.
Hey, what happened here?
Oh my god, this is the worst suicide I've ever seen.
This guy must have been so sad.
He broke into his own house, tied himself to this chair,
and then shot himself in the back of the head five times.
Some people just don't want to live, I guess, eh?
Let's go get some free health care.
More for the rest of us.
I was just in Ch--
that's a weird laugh.
I was reading an article today about China.
Did you guys know this?
China has the fastest-growing number of
millionaires in the world.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
It's got to be bittersweet for them.
No one in China can pronounce the word "millionaire."
There's a lot of L's and R's, that's all I'm saying.
Relax.
I've done that joke in China.
They hate it there, too.
Your instincts are in the right place.
But that's true. "Time Magazine" said that they spend
so much time and money in America that the entire mail
order bride trend is now reversing.
Because it used to be, American guys would go China,
get a wife, then bring her back to America.
Now Chinese millionaires are coming over here
to pick up our ***.
That's messed up.
Those are our ***.
We can't even hide these girls from the Chinese
millionaires, right?
They all have Chinese *** tattooed
right above their ***.
If you have one here, relax.
I'm sure you're not a ***.
I'm sure you're into strength and courage.
I did that joke one time.
A girl came up to me after the show.
She goes, you're an ***.
I'm spiritual.
Yeah, you sound like it.
That's a whole lot of enlightenment coming out of
your mouth right there.
Just because you put a Chinese symbol above your asscrack
doesn't bring you closer to Buddha, OK?
It brings you closer to my hotel room.
There's nothing spiritual about that experience?
It's more of a Catholic thing, really.
People get touchy about Catholics.
Don't worry.
Catholics get touchy, too.
It's all good.
I knew that Catholics were up to no good, right.
They have a room in the church called the rectory.
What did you think was going to happen to you?
I'm never a following a *** old guy into a rectory.
Can we just stay here in the hand job-ory until my parents
pick me up?
Then I can go to the shrink-ory, pretend this ***
never happened.
Tell you a little bit about myself.
I was born in Russia.
A lot of people don't believe me when I say that because I
don't sound like a James Bond villain.
I did my best to lose the accent because girls say they
like accents--
not the Russian one.
That is not a sexy accent.
You never see a Russian lover in a movie.
[RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Hello, how are you?
You are a pretty female person.
Would you like to drink *** and then complete me?
But that's true.
I was born in Russia in a small town
right outside of Chernobyl.
People find that odd.
They always go, Daniel, growing up near Chernobyl, did
that affect you in any way?
And it did.
I have a giant ***.
Unfortunately, it's right above my tiny ***.
That's a radiation joke.
That's not a *** joke.
Google Chernobyl.
It'll be funnier.
I Google everything now.
Google's amazing.
It's unnecessary for you to learn how to spell the word
"unnecessary." You can throw a U, two N's, and a C into
Google, it goes, did you mean "unnecessary?" Yes, I did.
Thank you.
Let's move this along.
I don't know how people did anything before the internet.
They went to the moon before the internet.
How did they even know there was a
moon before the internet?
Some places still don't have it.
That weirds me out.
I was checking into a hotel a couple weeks ago, and I go, is
there internet in my room?
And the guy looks at me and he goes, no, but there is a phone
in your room.
There's a phone in my pants, and it has internet.
All right, guys, that's my time.
Thank you very much.
CAT: My wife's in heat.
Let me tell you something.
There's nothing worse than being married when
your wife's in heat.
You know that voice, right?
She's always like, Mr. Sprinkles, I'm in heat.
Let's have sex.
And I'm like, I don't want to *** Garfield.
ROVE MCMANUS: You'll have to excuse our studio audience
while they go, did I just see what I thought I just saw?
You're probably all thinking the same thing.
All right, we are moving hastily along.
As wonderful as that cat in a suit was, I'm going to bring
on our next performer, a man I have had the pleasure of
performing with on many an occasion.
I think he's fantastic.
I know you will, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Kirshen.
MATT KIRSHEN: Thank you.
Thank you.
ROVE MCMANUS: Hey.
MATT KIRSHEN: Thank you.
Rove McManus, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Rove.
Rove, yeah.
This is exciting.
Geez, I didn't--
if you'd told me as a kid growing up in 1980s London
that one day I would be on youtube.com, I wouldn't've
believed you.
I'd be like, no way.
No kid like me gets on youtube.com.
Maybe President Barack Obama gets on youtube.com, but not a
little Englishman like me.
So thank you.
Thank you, people here.
Thank you, viewers at home, for taking time out of your
lazy *** to flick over to my tab.
It's what I'd be doing if I was watching this at home.
I'd have both going at the same time.
One eye on me, one on the ***-- get mixed up in your
head, good things happen.
Somewhere an association's being made, and
I appreciate that.
So this just happened to me the other day.
I still haven't processed it.
Because I work nights, this is my job.
So I finish work, and then I do normal things.
So I do things like grocery shopping in the
middle of the night.
I'll do it at 2:00 in the morning when it's just me and
drunks, all right, and the occasional nurse and the
occasional drunk nurse.
I love that.
I love a drunk nurse, not even for any creepy reasons.
It's just like, nurses have the best stories, and if
they're drunk, they share.
Nurses have stories that would put a sea captain to shame.
Stories with lines in it like, no, you have to understand.
It was a full-sized umbrella.
But I was just in this 24 hour store, just buying normal
groceries at 2:00 in the morning, like
bread, milk, cereal.
And I put my basket of food next to the register, and I
went to get a couple more things.
And I came back, and it's gone.
My basket's gone.
So I'm looking for the overzealous employee who's
putting everything back.
And then I see the most confused-looking drunk man
leaving with my stuff.
He bought my things.
He bought my--
I don't even know if that's a crime.
I don't know.
If anyone at home knows, comment in.
I don't know what the legality--
I think until you pay for something, it
belongs to the store.
And then he paid for it, so it's his.
But I selected it.
I put all the work in.
I got like a week's worth of food, and he just
waltzed off with it.
I couldn't even be mad at him, either, because he was so
drunk and so baffled.
Because from his point of view, that's just the world's
most convenient convenience store.
He's just staggered in, hammered, and the guy's like,
what do you want?
He's like, this.
Thank you.
Thank you, convenience store.
I'll be back here every night.
This is wonderful.
I don't remember having a cat.
Either that, or he was so drunk, he'd forgotten that he
hadn't already gone to the effort of selecting
everything.
Have you ever done that thing where you're really drunk and
your brain just starts to do useful things?
Am I the only one who does that?
Who's just hammered and thinking, well, I'm
slaughtered.
Everything's fun, so I might as well get some chores done.
You wake up the next morning and all the bathroom tiles are
clean, but you've vomited in the freezer.
It's a trade-off.
The entire apartment's vacuumed, but
you've killed a man.
It's give and take.
Gee, Daniel going straight in with the Catholic stuff, at a
time that we have a new pope, as well.
Of all the times to be doing that.
The pope is barely out of--
I don't know where popes come from.
He says that-- first Latin-American pope, as well.
First pope from Latin America.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
MATT KIRSHEN: I know.
Yeah, it's pretty cool, right?
I mean, don't worry.
He's still white and hates gays, so they kept it safe on
that front.
They kept the light-skinned homophobe theme
that's working so well.
It's an exciting time for gay rights.
We had the debate in the UK.
It got passed by Parliament.
The conservative prime minister voted for gay
marriage, which is remarkable.
That's never happened before.
Not everyone was for it.
One guy in the middle of the debate actually said the
words, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
He said that, out loud, knowing that other people were
listening, as well, knowing that his words were being
recorded and everything.
He thought that was a good thing to say.
That's on a par with, if it was a debate about whether
women should have equal pay in the workplace, and he'd just
stood up and gone, girls smell, and sat down again.
That's the same level of sophistication.
He is my second-favorite homophobe.
I know it's weird to have them ranked, but I do.
My number one is, and I think will
always be, Michele Bachmann.
She has to be because she's the only one I know who's that
homophobic while being married to such an obviously gay man.
He's so gay.
I know I'm like libeling someone on a livestreaming
thing right now, but he's so--
if he's not gay, he's putting a lot of effort
into appearing gay.
He is really-- have you seen?
You're on YouTube right now.
Don't do it right-- open up another tab next to my one,
and YouTube "Marcus Bachmann interview."
He is ridiculous.
I know not everyone who sounds like that is gay, and not
everyone who's gay sounds like that.
But the two of them are absurd.
In the modern era when people are becoming so much more
accepting, they exist.
Last year I was in San Francisco during Pride
weekend, and I would urge any of you to go there, whatever
your sexuality.
I was there as a straight guy with my girlfriend, and it's
one of the best celebrations on Earth of
humanity and sexuality.
It's just a massive party where the
only theme is tolerance.
And walking through the middle of this park, around which a
lot of the events are centered, were these two guys.
And they were in great physical shape, which we could
clearly tell because all they were wearing were shoes and
matching *** rings.
I hope intentionally, by the way.
I hope that was planned between the two of them.
I'd hate to think they rocked up independently and like, oh,
you as well.
Oh, well, there's no time to go home and change, either.
This is embarrassing.
But they were walking through the middle of the park
together, and it was hilarious and it was wonderful and it
was fantastic.
And it was absurdly gay, but still not as gay as Marcus
Bachmann's voice.
Thank you very much for listening to my
part of this evening.
Take care.
I appreciate it.
I've been Matt Kirshen.
Bye!
ROVE MCMANUS: Matt Kirshen.
MATT KIRSHEN: Thank you.
ROVE MCMANUS: Matt Kirshen.
Yeah.
Later, Matt and I are going to go to Six Flags with an
oversized coat.
He's going to get on my shoulders.
X2, here we come.
It's a roller coaster, for those of you not in the
Angeleno way.
And I don't know what that means.
As I say "Angeleno way," it suddenly means you're pregnant
with a Californian.
Could be a thing, you don't know.
Look it up.
This is one of the things I have found having moved here
to the States from Australia, is adjusting a little bit.
And, for the most part, it's not too difficult, but one of
the things I have kind of struggled with is tipping.
Because we don't tip as readily as you
do here in the States.
Yeah, at cafes and stuff, sure, we'll do it there.
But I had an experience when I first arrived where I was in
the men's room.
I don't know how it is for the women, but sometimes in the
men's room, there's a guy, like an attendant, there--
right guys?
Yes.
He's got cologne and little hand towels and a bowl of
mints, because that's what you want when you've just been to
the toilet.
Candy.
How many times have you found yourself in the situation
going, I just took a dump.
I could really go with some M&Ms right now.
But he's there with the towels and everything.
And I don't mean to brag, YouTube people, but I've been
able to go to the toilet by myself since
about the age of three.
And so I wasn't sure of what to do.
So I did what I needed to do, and then went
past, washed my hands.
The guy gave me a towel.
I was like, thank you.
I dried my hands, then walked out but didn't tip.
Oh, yes.
I learned a very valuable lesson that day, because let
me tell you something.
There is no worse look than you leaving the men's room
with another guy chasing you demanding payment.
Trap for young players.
It is indeed a pleasure to welcome our next act, ladies
and gentlemen.
You have seen him on "Conan." You have seen him on "Jimmy
Kimmel Live." You have seen him on "Cougar Town." He's a
MILF, the absolutely brilliant Rob Delaney.
ROB DELANEY: Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Hello, everybody.
Nice to see you all.
In keeping with the international theme, I want to
tell you a story.
I recently did a show in Belfast, in Northern Ireland,
and it's calmed down in recent years.
It's not as scary anymore.
But the city's covered with murals back from when it was
going through its Troubles.
And you can hire a cab and get a ride around and look at all
the murals.
Some of them are really beautiful, some of them are
sad, like hunger strikers and stuff, but it's just sort of
how they healed and dealt with it.
Anyway, I got a cab driver, and he was
showing me all the murals.
And as he was about to finish, he said, now I'm going to take
you, and I'm going to show you the most
powerful mural we've got.
It's my favorite mural.
By I need to tell you, as an American, there's a symbol on
this mural that you're not going to understand.
So you'll look at it, sort of absorb it, let it wash over
you, and then I'll explain the symbol to you.
So I was excited to learn about a new symbol.
He pulled around the corner, and there was this seven-story
tall painting of a British paramilitary soldier, just
firing tear gas canisters into a pile of kids.
It was upsetting.
But then in front of it was this ancient Irish symbol that
he had mentioned.
And what it was, it was a giant red circle with a slash
through it.
And so I was like, uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, OK.
And I decided to mess with him a little.
I was like, OK, so what you're saying is, you take a thing,
and then you mural up a building, and then you put
this symbol on it, and the symbol kind of means you
should do that some more?
And he's like, no, for goodness' sake.
What I meant-- no, the symbol, I knew you wouldn't
know what it is.
You take a great red, ruby red circle and you then circle the
entire building with it.
And then from the northwest to the southeast, you bisect it
with a mighty red slash.
And what we're saying is, none for me and mine.
No, none of that.
And I was like, OK, I get it.
So basically you draw something or whatever, you
take a picture, and then you put this around there and it's
saying, yeah, a few more of those?
And he's like, no, for goodness' sake!
Get the wax out of your American ears, for god's sake!
And anyway, now you guys know what that symbol is, too.
So I just wanted to share that with you guys.
It's my favorite thing that's happened to me in the last
five years.
Since this is live on the internet, I want to talk about
internet filth and ***.
I grew up in the '80s.
And when I wanted to ***, I had to write a
letter to a friend's older brother who lived in
Pennsylvania.
And he would mail me back the coordinates of where he had
buried a cigar box 11 years ago with a
rain-damaged Playboy.
I would have to take a map, and I'd have to get a friend.
And we'd have to bring like victuals and dry goods and
hike though the woods.
We would get there just as the sun was setting, and we'd dig
it up, there'd be no more daylight.
So we'd have to jerk off together just because that's
all the time that was left.
But now with the internet, it's just filth.
You open your computer, and you open your AOL homepage,
it's a gaping ***.
It's just total filth.
Why is it so gross?
I'm just so glad that I grew up in an age where, when I was
younger, I would have to jerk off to poetry.
I used to jerk off to the written word.
You should try it.
But now it just is garbage.
And people are *** each other in
their butts a lot online.
And I don't understand that.
And I'm not speaking out of school here.
I tried it.
When I was in college, I had a girlfriend, and we were like,
hey, I heard people ***.
And it wasn't even me.
I wasn't like, it's my birthday.
Can I?
Literally, it might have even been her idea.
I don't remember.
I didn't have a hankering for it.
And so we were going to do it, right?
So we're having normal ***-*** sex, and then
she's like, yeah, go ahead.
So I take it out and I just, like, started.
And she was like, oh, god, no.
And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
We'll never do it again.
I'm very sorry.
I want you to enjoy what we do.
Let's go get a falafel.
And she was like, [GRUNTS].
And she goes, no, you need to know what it was like.
And I was like, what it--
it seems awful.
I believe you.
She was like, no, you need to know.
And I was like, what does that mean?
I backed up against the wall.
I thought Navy SEALs were going to burst out of the
building and be like, time to learn.
And so, anyway, what she did is, she went to her dresser
and she got just a tiny little vibrator, a wee little
itsy-bitsy one, a tiny one like you'd use on the bus,
like nothing.
So then we started messing around again.
And then she took it and touched it to my surprisingly
cute little ***, and then she went, push.
And I immediately was like throwing up, almost, sobbing,
racked with sobs.
So anyway, I get it.
I understand that there are people in the world who don't
want a big hard *** going in out of their ***, and I'm
among them.
I am one of those people.
So I'm just saying you're the boss of your own ***, OK?
Remember that.
So if your boyfriend is like, it's Arbor Day, be like, N. So
you don't have to let him to do it.
Look, if you want me to *** you in your butt, I'll ***
you in your butt.
I'm not a monster.
But I'm saying you're the boss of your butt.
You decide what goes in and out of there.
Another thing for you youngsters out there, that
same older brother--
the friend's older brother who I called and had to get the
coordinates for the cigar box to dig up the ***-- he also
taught us what blow jobs were.
He didn't do a tutelage session, but he mentioned that
he got a ***.
And we were like, what's that?
He's like, when the *** goes.
And I was like, shut up.
I want one.
And so anyway, he was like, yeah but they got to swallow.
They can't spit.
And I was like, what does that matter?
And he was like, [GRUNTS].
Anyway, decades later, finally a Samaritan put my *** in
her mouth, and I realized that if you suck my
***, you're a hero.
You can take it, you can spit it in your hand, and you can
break my jaw, and I will drive to the florist--
I'll get my jaw wired shut-- buy you flowers, come, and be
like, thank you so much.
I love you.
Spit, swallow, it's up to you.
I don't care.
I mean literally, you could suck my ***, and then when
you're done you could peel off an expensive "Mission
Impossible" style mask and reveal that you're not a
beautiful young woman, you're Pat Sajak from "Wheel of
Fortune." And I would like, Pat, let
me take you to brunch.
I'm Rob Delaney.
Thank you very much.
ROVE MCMANUS: Rob Delaney, the king of regular
***-*** sex.
Another thing I need to point out to you is, when I first
arrived here--
I think this is going very well tonight, by the way.
Don't you think?
It's really cool to get asked to do something like this,
especially because when I first arrived here in Los
Angeles, Hollywood itself, they said if you want to make
it in this town, you're going to have to sleep
your way to the top.
I did that.
But the problem was, no one told me it had to be with
someone in the industry who can further your career.
So I just ended up nailing some
homeless guy in an alleyway.
But to his credit, he said he would put some calls in, so.
Although, it was a banana he had in his hand at the time.
So anyway, the night is still young.
Fingers crossed.
Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer.
Please welcome him now, one of the best, Mr. Jeremy Hotz.
JEREMY HOTZ: Hi.
Thank you.
Thanks.
OK, stop.
Hi, how are you?
This is my face.
Sorry.
It's just we can't all be good looking, but I still have the
odd *** experience.
This is my lucky shirt.
Do you know what that means?
I got laid while I was wearing this shirt.
And she loved this shirt because when we were doing it,
she said, whatever you do, don't take off that shirt.
I like women.
They're way better-looking than us.
They are.
But everything in the world's designed to
make them even more.
We can't compete.
You're a good-looking guy, but this is the best you're ever
going to look.
Look at her, man.
Because women wear the makeup, and they're already pretty.
You can't wear makeup.
Did you ever see a woman without her makeup for the
first time and just think, who the *** is that guy?
See, even the women have to give me that one because
they've all seen one of their friends and thought, Jane's
looking a lot like Dave lately.
This is ridiculous.
Women cheat, man.
Their underwear is way better than ours.
It is.
Are you a *** man or an *** man?
AUDIENCE: I like both.
JEREMY HOTZ: You like both, you greedy ***?
Leave some for somebody else.
He likes both.
You ever been startled by ***?
You've been fooled haven't you?
Oh yeah, because you see giant *** on a woman and then she
takes off her bra and it's two little gingerbread man eyes
staring at you.
You think, ***, I've been had.
It's true.
Women have underwear that fixes stuff.
Victoria's Secret should just be called "Lies."
Our underwear is garbage, isn't it?
It comes with a fly for no apparent reason.
Ladies, we don't use the fly.
We pull it down and flip it over the top.
And if we're at a urinal and the guy next to us is using
his fly, we punch him in the *** face.
But it's not all gloom and doom.
I'm just saying, ladies, if you've got a guy that loves
you, stay with him because he's trying, isn't he?
Seriously, it's gross, man.
We know it's tough to be a woman, it really is.
You have the period.
Good lord.
You just bleed.
You don't fall down or nothing.
It just happens.
But we didn't invent it, so quit *** yelling at us.
And we have balls.
They're not particularly attractive.
Come on, ladies, you don't like balls.
You don't.
You're like, I'll deal with that long thing, but I don't
want those bouncing all over my forehead.
These are nasty, aren't they?
If it was reversed, ladies, and you had balls, you
couldn't handle it.
It'd be like carrying a purse that never
matched your outfit.
They're horrible.
Do you know this, ladies?
We have the unique ability of being able to
sit on our own balls.
Do you know this?
Your guy'll never tell you that.
You just see this look on his face at a restaurant.
What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Tell me.
I sat on my ball, are you satisfied?
Sat on your ball?
That's ridiculous.
How *** uncoordinated are you?
I'm just saying, they're nasty, man.
You gotta find the right person who puts up with your
***, man.
You can't live your whole life by yourself.
You don't want to die alone.
Get a dog like I did, man.
Seriously, check it out.
Here he is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's 17.
I rescued him.
I got him out of someone's backyard.
I just opened a fence, picked him up, and ran
away like an ***.
I took him to Petco to be groomed.
What a *** place that is.
I said a trim.
They shaved him almost totally bald.
He comes waddling out, I don't even recognize him.
But I took him because he seemed to know me.
You know how embarrassing it is walking a bald dog in my
neighborhood?
Cats try and *** him.
I'm not a big cat guy.
I don't like them.
You never buy a cat, do you?
They just show up on your stoop, and you hear, [YOWLS].
You're like maybe I better let it in.
Thus begins a 25 year commitment with the most
standoffish *** animal on the face of the planet.
You ever call your cat?
Oh, yeah, they're right on it.
They get up and walk in the complete opposite direction,
lift their tail, and show you their ***.
How rude is that?
I feed you, you miserable animal.
Don't flip me off with your hole, gee.
Just get a dog, man.
Dogs are the best.
He's 17 now, man, like I said.
You never know.
If you've got an old dog, you don't know.
They go old like your grandpa.
Your grandpa's nuts, right?
OK, let me explain it.
You ever see your grandpa just staring at the wall?
Your mom comes downstairs and goes, leave grandpa alone.
The TV used to be on that wall.
That's the way your dog is.
He sleeps so soundly, man.
I poke him, and if he opens his eyes, I go, well, I guess
we're going for a walk right now.
Because he's old, man.
He's so old.
But dogs are fantastic, man.
Listen, honestly speaking, are you guys dating?
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah.
And you love her, right?
Do you have a dog?
AUDIENCE: We don't.
JEREMY HOTZ: You don't.
Man, have you ever had a dog in your life?
Yeah, yeah.
Remember when you used to go outside and the dog would lie
by the door until you *** came home?
She has never done that.
And if she does, get the hell out of that relationship.
You were great.
Thank you so much.
CAT: Great to be here, everybody.
As you know, my name is Professor Boyfriend.
Hey, what do you want?
My owner's a lonely fat chick.
Oh, what are you guys aww-ing?
You're not the ones who have to sit in her lap.
ROVE MCMANUS: Seriously, you're all
seeing that too, right?
That's not just me just going, wow, something just kicked in.
I'm going to give a press conference now.
I'm hoping each performer, as they come out now, are getting
more and more--
we've gone from microphones to stands.
The next person might have a podium.
And we just build a--
I don't know what.
Some huge-- it'll be like Best Buy at the end of this, but
with people in here.
Aww, what?
Best Buy, what have they done to anybody?
Nothing.
They've given us wonderful audio-visual memories for
years, and then I just feel the need to kick them for no
apparent reason.
Hey, look at that thing!
We're back.
Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer, you may know him
from the wonderful sketch group Dead Kevin.
Any Dead Kevin fans in the house?
Even just fans of people who hate a guy called Kevin and
love that idea, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Ahmed Bharoocha.
AHMED BHAROOCHA: Thanks, guys.
Keep it going for Rove, everybody.
He took the mic stand back.
It's BYO mic stand.
This is crazy.
YouTube is becoming like television now.
The only difference is, they still give the opportunity to
the viewer at home to attach their hateful thoughts to the
bottom of this video.
Parents, read your children's YouTube comments.
Recently, I went to a bar and I went to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, they had two urinals.
One of the urinals was filled with ice, which I thought was
kind of weird, so I went to the other urinal.
And as I was going to the bathroom, I started
looking at that ice.
I was like, hmm.
It would be really fun to melt that ice.
So I stopped myself, went over to the other urinal, and I
started melting the ice.
And I thought I was alone, but a voice just comes from the
stall and he's like, couldn't resist the ice, could you?
I was like, who is that?
What kind of perverted science experiment
did I just walk into?
He's like, that's three for ice.
I feel like it's not cool to like things anymore.
You can't enjoy anything.
You have to like everything ironically or hate it.
The cool people, like hipsters, hipsters have become
the two old guys from the Muppets.
At first glance, you're like, wow, these guys really hate
the Muppets.
But then on closer inspection, you're like, hey, these guys
bought season tickets to the Muppets.
They keep coming back.
[IMPERSONATING STATLER AND WALDORF]
Why do we keep coming here?
Because we're dead inside.
I basically grew up in your typical
all-American household.
My mother's an Irish Catholic woman, my father is a
Pakistani Muslim.
See you guys later.
You know, baseball, apple pie, gulab jamun, things like that.
A lot of people ask if my parents fought because of
their religions, different religions.
They didn't fight because they loved each other.
It's crazy to fight over religion.
You can't prove who's right.
Every religion has the same credentials.
It's like, how do you know your religion's right?
Oh, it says it in this book.
But it says it in my book.
Yeah, but my book says your book's not true.
So does my book.
But my dad told me my book was true.
But so did my dad.
It's just a guess, just a guess.
But it's the only guess that people will
*** each other over.
There's no one killing each other over how many jelly
beans are in a jar.
We say it's 67.
We say it's 87.
52.
It's all part of the same jelly bean.
We think the jelly bean hates gay people.
There is no jelly bean.
There might be a jelly bean.
I'm a jelly bean.
Let's kill him.
We're all jelly beans.
Let's kill ourselves.
I think the jelly bean's a woman.
That's ridiculous.
Who said that?
Yeah, shut the hell up.
I found out that there's people that
don't believe in dinosaurs.
They think that the devil put dinosaur bones in the
earth to trick us.
That is the lamest, nerdiest devil ever.
Is this just some science fiction nerd devil?
Like, hey Lucifer.
What's on the agenda for tonight?
***, genocide, plague?
Ah, no.
Actually a much more diabolical scheme.
I've created a prehistoric reptilian species.
I'm going to take their bones and bury them deep down in the
earth, as to suggest an alternate
timeline than in the Bible.
And then we'll hope that one day, someone comes along, digs
them up, and questions God's existence.
Huh?
And if that doesn't work, we still have the gays.
Hey, guys, you've been fantastic.
Thank you very much.
ROVE MCMANUS: Another round of applause for Ahmed, everybody.
I'm collecting the set.
I'm collecting the set.
Seriously, one day, we will look back at this moment when
there are no microphones left in the world, and I'll be
sitting here laughing, going, they all said I was mad!
Who is laughing now?
Me, with my booming voice!
Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a pleasure to welcome
our next performer on the stage.
Not only a very gifted stand-up comedian, but one of
the stars of one of my favorite shows on television,
"Parks and Recreation." Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Retta.
RETTA: Hi.
How's everybody doing?
So I'm the black girl.
It's OK, I'm used to it.
I've been this way a long *** time.
So I'm here to talk about race.
That's cool.
We're all a little racist.
What I can't stand is when people are boldly racist.
I prefer old school racism, where you talk *** about me
behind my back or behind closed doors.
Now, old school racism is not to be confused with
old-fashioned racism, OK?
These are two very different things.
Old school racism is passive, while old-fashioned racism, a
lot more aggressive.
A lot more in your face.
It was all the rage in the '50s and '60s with its
high-powered fire hoses and its public hangings.
Yeah.
That's the kind of racism I don't prefer because, quite
frankly, I don't like to get my hair wet.
So I accept that we're all a little racist, and I include
myself in that.
I still make generalizations about you people.
For example, I still believe that white people can't really
feel cold, which is why you can wear shorts and flip-flops
in 40 degree weather.
As a black woman who turns on her heat in September, I find
this to be a bit peculiar.
But as an old school racist, I keep that *** to myself.
It's only during high-stress situations that I find that my
racism rears its ugly head.
Like when I've been in line at the DMV for an hour and the
blonde in front of me insists on flipping her hair forward
and back, forward and back until it brushes across my
face and sticks to my lip gloss.
That is a situation where a white girl might find herself
getting snatched by a black woman.
Or at the airport when the ticket agent announces that
they will begin boarding first class and the executive
platinum frequent flyer business traveler bumps and
pushes past me because he assumes I'm flying animal
class with rest of the plebs.
Excuse you, John J McAllister the Third.
I'm assigned to seat 2D, ***.
Recognize.
But my racism is most evident when I'm driving because I
have an obscene and unrelenting case of road rage.
I am what you might call a psycho *** behind the wheel,
who's also a little racist.
But I'm here to tell you that it is a new-- what-- ***
day, people.
It is a new *** day.
Because I was in my car, headed towards a light,
towards an intersection.
Now, there's another young lady headed towards--
I'm traveling east to west.
She's traveling north to south.
Now she, too, would like to move east to west.
So my light is about to turn yellow, so all she has to do
is wait 10 seconds for the right of way.
But instead of waiting the 10 seconds for her rightful turn,
she takes it upon herself to risk my life and property by
gunning it and making the turn just as I enter the
intersection.
This little entitled ***--
I think at this point we all know what
I was really thinking--
this little entitled white *** cuts me off.
So I immediately go to my "angry black woman who has no
patience for entitled white ***" place, right?
So now I'm about to gun it so I can pull up next to her and
give her the "***, do you know who the *** you just cut
off?" face, right?
I am looking to intimidate the *** out of her when I notice
that she's got an Obama hope sticker on her bumper.
And that's when I said, you know what?
I'm going to let this one go.
Yeah.
I'm going to give you a pass on this one, Marcy, because it
is a new-- what-- *** day.
Just know that this type of *** did not fly during the
Bush administration.
Yeah, I'd have lit your *** up.
Know this.
Because normally I'd want to strangle this trick, but it
was the Obama hope sticker that convinced me to Barack
the choke and let that *** go.
That's my time.
Thank you guys for paying attention.
ROVE MCMANUS: To Retta.
Oh, she's going to take it.
That's professional.
That's professional.
Let any aspiring comics out there, either in the room or
watching this at home right now, whenever you leave
anywhere, take your microphone stand with you.
What were you doing with a microphone stand there the
first place?
You need to question your attitude.
Ladies and gentlemen, our final performer of the
evening, are you ready?
Are you ready?
Oh my god, one of my favorites, the host of one of
my favorite podcasts, "Walking the Room," ladies and
gentlemen, Greg Behrendt.
GREG BEHRENDT: Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Nice to see you.
Wow, this is exciting, guys.
Top line in the old YouTube show, ***, at 50?
That *** is awesome.
Yeah, I'm 50 years old.
Well, you look awesome.
Yeah, I *** iron my neck.
I look amazing, man.
I've had a pretty good career.
I've made some mistakes.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I had an audition for "Saturday
Night Live" years ago.
When I say audition, it didn't happen.
I was standing outside 30 Rock doing an imitation that I do.
I do voices, I do characters.
Yeah.
I've hid that, but I do them.
I do characters pretty good, Bill Cosby
explaining the Holocaust.
They put the Jews on the train.
Like, it's not a great imitation, but HoloCosby is an
awesome t-shirt.
I'm going to make that t-shirt later, if I feel like it, put
that little Michael Jordan mustache on him.
He's got the patent on that now.
How are you guys?
This is really--
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
GREG BEHRENDT: I mean, it's dope.
This is exciting.
I've had a pretty good life.
I have a family.
I've got a beautiful--
two daughters, beautiful.
One of them's nice, daughters.
Not nice, they're both nice, just one likes me.
The other one doesn't like--
the younger.
The older one likes me.
11, she likes me.
The older daughter likes me a lot.
Like, she thinks I'm the sun and moon.
She really--
well, she's not a genius, either.
She's not a bright person.
Doesn't make her a bad person, she's just not a genius.
As a parent, I wouldn't be a good guy if I pretended she
was smarter.
She's going to be the president of nothing.
That doesn't make her not--
she's lovely.
She's a lovely person.
Do you know what she wanted for her 11th birthday?
You know what's at the top of her list?
She wanted a hug.
How about that?
You know what her second favorite thing in
the whole world is?
Cartwheels.
If she could cartwheel into a hug, she
would turn into a rainbow.
She's just not a genius, that's all.
She's not a thinker, that's all.
She's just not a person who puts things together.
Let me give you an example, just so you don't think I'm
being a ***.
We're on an airplane.
She has a 7-Up in a can.
Flight attendant comes over and says, would you like to
have a cup of ice with that?
She says, yes, I would.
Flight attendant puts down a cup of ice.
My daughter looks at the cup, looks at the can, and
takes a cube and--
she's really pretty.
Like, she's super--
she's gorgeous.
She's a very, very pretty-- she's just not a thinker.
Now let me explain my younger one to you.
She's more complex.
She's seven.
She has an imaginary friend that hates her.
Hang on.
And she don't give a ***.
How weird is that?
She has a friend that she made up with her mind that
doesn't like her.
And she's like, go *** yourself.
She already knows human beings are going to be disappointing.
She was walking through the house the other day on an
imaginary phone like this, not talking.
I go, what are you doing?
She goes, I'm on hold.
That's weird.
And the other one is really--
I'm not comparing them because they're both lovely.
They're both beautiful.
But the other one sort of fell out of my wife's *** with
big brown hair and beestung lips and beautiful eyes.
And the little one came out with the-- you know like when
the babies have hair--
barely any, like you've got to push all three together and
put a bow in it so that everyone
knows, oh, it's a chick.
Like, it's not a chick, but you have to do that.
And then she has no depth perception, so she had to have
these glasses.
And then all of her teeth came through one hole at the front,
so she has to have this thing called an expander where you
have to twist--
it's like an iron maiden for your mouth.
And you put a key in there and turn it at night so that her
teeth spread.
And then we've given her a lisp.
She didn't have a lisp, but we put plastic in our mouth so
now she talks.
It just has to be like this, she doesn't have a choice.
And then when she's done talking, she has to go and
suck it back in because her mouth is filled with spit.
How about that?
Seven.
Maybe she's cynical.
She's kind of a punk.
I walked past her room the other day.
She was talking to her friend, telling what I did for living,
and she goes, yeah, I think he's a clown.
First off, you're right.
But they take care of each other.
That's the kind of cool thing, because the older one, she's
excited by outside.
Like, oh my god, outdoors.
Everything is exciting to her.
And the younger one is cynical.
They'll date at some point, which will be exciting but
weird at the same time.
Because I live in a house with just girls.
There's just nothing but *** at my house.
I don't have it in boxes.
What I'm saying is that there's a lot
of women in my house.
And I'll probably be psyched when they start dating, you
know what I mean?
I'll probably freak the dude out that comes over because
I'll be excited there's a man in the house, do
you know what I mean?
He'll knock on the door with his *** face.
And I'll be like, get in here!
What do you want to do?
Jerk off?
Watch a game?
Put a Tapout shirt on?
We can do that.
Hang on, my muffins are ready.
And then I'll go to get muffins and
explain my apron to him.
The point is.
And then the older one will--
she'll date, and she'll get her heart broken because she's
open hearted.
And she'll give her heart to a dude, and he'll
*** *** it up.
But then she'll have her little sister there to take
care of her, to watch out for her.
And I sort of like to imagine the scene, like a John Hughes
type movie where they're at high school together because
they're only three years apart.
True, that's my older daughter, she gets her heart
broken and she runs off down the hall, crying.
And then she goes to the bathroom and she's in tears.
But then she notices her reflection in the mirror, and
she's delighted by reflections.
And then my little one will just walk over to this dude
that's standing by the locker, put out her cigarette, and go,
[LISPING]
if you *** with my sister again, *** with my sister
again, I will kill you.
My imaginary friends hate me.
[SUCKING UP SALIVA]
My name's Greg Behrendt.
Thank you all very much.
ROVE MCMANUS: Greg Behrendt!
That's how you do it.
It is, it is, so I'm thinking.
That is it, ladies and gentlemen.
That is our show.
Did you enjoy yourselves?
Yeah, you did.
It was free.
And for you at home it was free, too, unless you pay
yourself to go into your own house, in which case
that make no sense.
Coming up, it is comedy week, of course, on YouTube.
This time tomorrow there will be live improv, thank you to
the UCB people, on this stage.
So be sure to be part of that.
Yes, nice.
Good reaction.
That's the one to have.
A round of applause for yourselves.
You guys have been a great crowd.
Thank you to YouTube.
Thank you to Comedy Gives Back for organizing tonight.
We are fighting malaria, people, one annoying
mosquito at a time.
We are doing it.
Thanks very much for having me.
Thanks to all our comics.
For you watching, I'm Rove McManus.
Say hi to your mum for me.
Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: This week on Comedy Week Live, it's a
week full of laughs.
Tuesday night, get ready for a show full of comedy based on
your own YouTube videos, with UCB Comedy.
Wednesday, check out the hottest up and comers in the
YouTube stand-up show.
Thursday, College Humor goes from dusk 'til dawn with their
all-nighter.
And Friday night, we close it out big, first with Set List
Live: Stand-up Without a Net, and then the big music show,
featuring all your favorite musical comedy acts, including
the godfather of them all, Weird Al Yankovic.
All this week on Comedy Week Live.